[INFP] INFPs in relationships

[PeaceBaby]

Tuscon,
Just a little judgemental are we?
Maybe if you had waited a little bit all would have unfolded. Not all people lay their cards out on the table straight away. Your rant is a good example of why people don't.

Another excellent point. The OP won't touch this thread with a 10 foot pole now, and any assistance (that could have be rendered in as limited an environment as a forum) has been compromised.

 

[Siegfried]

Another excellent point. The OP won't touch this thread with a 10 foot pole now, and any assistance (that could have be rendered in as limited an environment as a forum) has been compromised.

That was a good point about INFPs you made earlier. Any type can be healthy and unhealthy and INFPs Fi, is emotional, but that doesn't mean its not just as good a function, as the other ones.

 

[Hirsch63]

JT you put forth a sincere request for feedback. I am not an INFP, but I know that there are some helpful and insightful ones here who may and have answered you despite some distractions. Your issues seem to be pretty normal human issues irregardless of type. FWIW I offer a few comments I hope may help.

One of the things I have read about NFPs is that when they lack focus, they have a hard time maintaining long term relationships because they are always fantasizing about greener pastures.

This just seems like the human condition to me...in any relationship, romantic, professional, familial...I don't see how anyone who is at all reflective could ignore the possibility of "what if..." but when that distraction leads to self-destructive behaviour or the likelyhood of harming those we value, it is certainly worth exploring in conversation.

I have a great husband, whom I think is and ENFJ (maybe); I have no desire to leave our life together. However, I am constantly considering what it would be like if my life were different and I have on many occassions made bad judgement calls that, if it weren't for such a great husband, would have ruined my marriage.

It sounds like you may have found an understanding and mature partner who values your qualities and has had enough experience in life to know that any of us can suffer from shortcomings that may embarrass us. No need for you to detail your percieved misdeeds...I think a little reading between the lines is enough.

I recognize my lack of focus. I typically make these bad judgement calls when I don't have a "project" going that is keeping me occupied. But I can't seem to control/maintain a constant level of focus.

There may be factors here that go beyond type preferences....Are you physically healthy (i.e. how's your blood sugar? Are you being treated for any type of llness?)Would the experiences of others who test for INFP preferences lend helpful insight if you don't examine the possible health related aspects of your behaviour? There are enough dynamics beyond type that influence our actions and those we interact with. Relationship dynamics would seem to be more than the simple addition of two types sans any other external influences....we don't live in a type vacuum.

That being said, is the fact that I need focus to keep from doing things I shouldn't mean that I am using these things as a distraction from a bigger problem?

Your Husband may have much to give and the fact that you see this and value it and are reaching out to explore your motivations is a good sign. Have you discussed couples counselling with him? You both sound committed to preserving the partnership and this may be helpful...allowing you to get a beter perspective on what may underlie your distractions

Does anyone else struggle with similar relationship issues?
a
Sure, I've experienced this sort of thing and like you have also felt curious and concerned about it. It sounds like you may be ahead of the curve in addressing it though, which is great! Hang in there.

 

[Hirsch63]

... this is the most bothersome post I have read on MBTIc so far.

Then you have not read very many quotes or you have a bothersome idea of what is bothersome. Of course based on your responses as a whole to the OP it appears that your reading comprehension may be "too weak".

Honestly, this thread is just going to piss me off so I'm going to avoid it from here on out.

Hey how's about avoiding the entire forum from here on out? You bring nothing useful to the table if these posts of yours are any example.

If you have personal issues that need to be resolved, work them out on your clock not at the expense of others.

I am (still) pretty sure that Haight and Filecabinet maintain this forum (or clock, if you will) and for better or worse they are benign enough to tolerate any number of patently offensive, self-centered and frankly stupid comments within it that could cetainly be read as wasteful of time, especially when weighed against those seeking a sincere dialouge rather than gratuitous, inconsiderate rants. Fortunately, this is counter-balaned by a fair number of helpful and productive forum members who have the resources (in every sense) to help keep this forum civil, constructive and an entertaining distraction.

 

[Costrin]

Is this for real or a joke? First off, there are no people with sensibilities reading this! You're in a iNtuitive dominant forum, we've all lost our minds in here.

As for me having "issues", duh! Hello, McFly I'm an ENTP, you're pointing out the painfully obvious here!

I will say you've put the exclamation point at the end of what I'm trying to say about INFPs. Only an INFP would get in here and question the validity of everybody haven taken the MBTI test as a defense.

PS As an INFP you would completely fail to see the irony in that bold statement.

Does it make a difference if I say that I agree with the what others have said in this thread?

 

[Udog]

I'd say the tendency to dream of greener pastures is a common INFP trait, but following through and cheating is not. At least, not in myself nor the INFPs I've known personally.

Also, let's be clear that the INFPs in this thread are not condoning cheating. The arguments against Tucson are against the assumptions he is making simply because the poster is typed as 'INFP', and the judgements he makes based on those assumptions.

 

[Hazle Weatherfield]

If you have personal issues that need to be resolved, work them out on your clock not at the expense of others.

Well, I think Tucson dude might be gone and also that mostly everyone else still following is irritated by him so I needn't add any rants. But even so, I feel I must assert this. If topics like personal issues are not "appropriate" in this community, I don't see the purpose of it even existing. Isn't that why we're all here? Even our interest in our varying differences is a way in which we can better understand ourselves, not just others. If you have personal issues, you should feel safe and comfortable in sharing them and trust that you're not going to get a mouth full of thoughtless bigoted bitch-slapping.

 

[Samvega]

I'm surprised, genuinelly by your post, it just seemed so much more judgemental on anothers personal choices than most ENTP's I've seen on the board.

Maybe my sweeping judgement of ENTPs being better able to refrain from moralistic judgements was wrong.

You INFPs are sooo touchy about anything related to self, it's amazing you can function. I don't care of this woman has designed a harness for herself to ride on the bellies of elephants all day long and makes a living selling the amazing footage on her freaksofnature website, I don't care of she smokes crack, has a fetish for 90 year old men or happens to be a prostitute!

If this were an ENTP or any other NT/NF type I know of there would be a HUGE level of self reflection and understanding that had gone into the post prior to putting it up here. Mine would have read as follows:

"I'm currently struggling very much so with my life and direction. I have a wonderful partner however I'm not able to balance maintaining a healthy relationship and my personal issues. I refuse to act on these thoughts I've had because I can't do that to another human being I love but it also leaves me feeling like I'm not being myself.

This struggle is getting the best of me and I'm starting to feel very disappointed in myself for not being able to get a handle on it myself. I guess I already know the answer, this is unfair to both people involved and I should end this relationship before I do something stupid and damaging this him however that makes me feel like I'm a failure so any help would be wonderful"

Do you see how that worked? Because I'm not Fi it was posted before causing damage to somebody that has entrusted me with their love?

Now I understand you guys have a hard time thinking you could be the issue. There are how many of you having to team up on me to defend and justify the OPs implied cheating so clearly this is something you all feel very personal about defending however you think somebody would manage to see the husband, other party, the person being hurt in the situation. You think somebody would be able to point out that the OP has used poor judgement.

I'd say the tendency to dream of greener pastures is a common INFP trait, but following through and cheating is not. At least, not in myself nor the INFPs I've known personally.

Also, let's be clear that the INFPs in this thread are not condoning cheating. The arguments against Tucson are against the assumptions he is making simply because the poster is typed as 'INFP', and the judgements he makes based on those assumptions.

Thank you Udog, I will only say that those assumptions are founded in knowing INFPs in real life and well frankly, threads like this.

Edit: Actually, if we met IRL, I would probably be your boss.

Funny when you consider I've always owned my own business. Never did have an INFP working for me though. But you're right, if I got a job I bet you would be my boss, I'm happy to see you don't take offense to that as my statement would have read the same with with a very different meaning you clearly couldn't see.

Unless of course she skinned the family cat and fed it to him for dinner after shagging his friend and the milkman in a spit roast session

I truly hope you were trying to be funny because this made me laugh for about 5 minutes! That would be awesome* if she'd done this and I would have gained new respect for you INFPs!

*Provided of course it wasn't a cat but a baby as I know how many of you iNtuitives would take offense to somebody skinning a cat!

 

[BlackCat]

So uh, what was the point of coming in here and saying all of this again Tuscon? I don't get how knowing 3 unhealthy INFPs gives you a right to judge the millions of others in the world. Your posts are just steaming with stereotyping/personal attacks, most of which are just coming from your own disapproval of the three unhealthy ones in your life.

If this continues you will just be like "HAHA feelers! They are irrational because they are reacting emotionally to a personal attack!" Then there will be an endless debate that no one can win, because they are fighting false claims and you are putting up false claims.

So yeah, I'd appreciate seeing how this relates to all INFPs. I can also say that unhealthy INFPs are unreliable (anyone unhealthy is unreliable in some way usually). I sure as hell can't relate to what you are talking about here with the whole relationships thing and cheating, I would never cheat (it's a value of mine). I also make choices based on logic and how I feel, not just how I feel. There are some things in life that people simply HAVE to be logical about. The person who values feelings over logic in this situation fails as a human being.

So yeah I can't relate to your negative stereotypes and personal attacks on INFPs, so uh. Yeah, justify that.

 

[BerberElla]

You think somebody would be able to point out that the OP has used poor judgement.

Didn't the OP do that herself when she wrote "bad judgement"?

however you think somebody would manage to see the husband, other party, the person being hurt in the situation.

If he was here, saying that he was so hurt by it, if he was the OP and he was clearly expressing his pain then I would defend him against any unfair attacks on his bad judgement.

But he isn't here, he is there, with her, STILL with her, so maybe he is handling it better than you have assumed he is.

I truly hope you were trying to be funny because this made me laugh for about 5 minutes! That would be awesome* if she'd done this and I would have gained new respect for you INFPs!

*Provided of course it wasn't a cat but a baby as I know how many of you iNtuitives would take offense to somebody skinning a cat!

That's just unecessary evil.

 

[PeaceBaby]

There are how many of you having to team up on me to defend and justify the OPs implied cheating so clearly this is something you all feel very personal about defending however you think somebody would manage to see the husband, other party, the person being hurt in the situation.

All I defend is her right not to be berated on this forum. I don't need to tag-team you to do it either. And her husband isn't the one posting, is he?

Frankly I don't know why you assume she has cheated. "Bad judgement" as a euphemism could be anything from gambling, stealing, drug usage or practically any other vice you can think of. Any could destroy a marriage.

You have leapt to a conclusion here re infidelity and it clearly strikes a nerve in you.

Funny when you consider I've always owned my own business. But you're right, if I got a job I bet you would be my boss, I'm happy to see you don't take offense to that as my statement would have read the same with with a very different meaning you clearly couldn't see.

I own my own business too btw - who in this thread doesn't "get it", doesn't see. I've noted your allusion to INFP's not being capable of understanding the meaning of posts - I hear you loud and clear. Personally, I know you just throw those statements in for your own personal amusement, to cause confusion and undermine confidence.

That would be awesome if she'd done this (re berberella's post) and I would have gained new respect for you INFPs!

Again, I know you are being deliberately provocative, on the one hand defending the husband/victim, then saying this. :rolli:

I submit you are helping no one here, and in the process, making not even a single cogent point in this thread. I see no fellow NT's jumping to your rescue either. Oh, except for Costrin's gem: "INFP's suck".

And, if you had investigated the OP's other post, you would have noted where she mentions she has been diagnosed as bipolar and has stopped taking her meds. Maybe that has more to do with her post than any 4 letter combo of assumption you've offered up.

 

[Hazle Weatherfield]

T-ENTP

You are not trying to understand anything in anyone else's perspective other than your own (which if you did, you might be able to respect people more and maybe they'll respect you as well eventually) and are enforcing assumptive statements on everyone, something my INTJ friend said was very J, but I am starting to become convinced that this has nothing to do with type and nothing to do with defending anything about the OP. It has to do with those of us wanting to participate in an open discussion being tired of your stubbornly closed-minded statements.

 

[Costrin]

I see no fellow NT's jumping to your rescue either. Oh, except for Costrin's gem: "INFP's suck".

Is it bad that I laughed when I read this?

 

[PeaceBaby]

Is it bad that I laughed when I read this?

No I'm glad you did

 

[Costrin]

No I'm glad you did

OH OK. I WOULDN'T WANT TO UPSET ANYONE, YAKNOW?

 

[The Outsider]

Damage is done already!

 

[Costrin]

Damage is done already!

Shit!

 

[DigitalMethod]

Okay so no NTs?

Well I'm INTJ (since it seems types mean so much to our friend).

Anywho, TucsonENTP you're being a douche.

Your defining one type based on negative life experiences you've had.
You're seeing the person as four letters, not who they really are.
You'd probably disown your own child if they were INFP, gee.

Summarized, you're not even using logic very well. You're logic is based upon your own emotions and your own opinions that have been developed through negative personal experiences. You probably get a lot of negative experiences if you act like this in real life.

 

[Hazle Weatherfield]

Okay so no NTs?

Well I'm INTJ (since it seems types mean so much to our friend).

Anywho, TucsonENTP you're being a douche.

Your defining one type based on negative life experiences you've had.
You're seeing the person as four letters, not who they really are.
You'd probably disown your own child if they were INFP, gee.

Summarized, you're not even using logic very well. You're logic is based upon your own emotions and your own opinions that have been developed through negative personal experiences. You probably get a lot of negative experiences if you act like this in real life.

Thanks SO much for this.

 

[Valhallahereicome]

One of the things I have read about NFPs is that when they lack focus, they have a hard time maintaining long term relationships because they are always fantasizing about greener pastures.

I have a great husband, whom I think is and ENFJ (maybe); I have no desire to leave our life together. However, I am constantly considering what it would be like if my life were different and I have on many occassions made bad judgement calls that, if it weren't for such a great husband, would have ruined my marriage.

I recognize my lack of focus. I typically make these bad judgement calls when I don't have a "project" going that is keeping me occupied. But I can't seem to control/maintain a constant level of focus.

That being said, is the fact that I need focus to keep from doing things I shouldn't mean that I am using these things as a distraction from a bigger problem?

Does anyone else struggle with similar relationship issues?

I read your post in the thread about "INFPs and Bipolar" and would conjecture that your bipolar symptoms and your relationship issues are related, perhaps stemming from the same issues. You said that you tend to throw yourself into projects with crazy excitement and then become extremely depressed when you're not working on something? My guess is that your "bad judgment calls" are a manifestation of that depression. Yes, they're a distraction - they're keeping you from having to deal with your depression and the underlying issues.

NFPs may get more easily depressed when they lack focus, and then generalize that depression to other areas of their lives more readily than other types. I'm not sure, just throwing that possibility out there. But to generalize it so far that it taints things like a solid marriage - that really indicates something going on besides your MBTI type. Being an INFP may lead you to deal with issues in a certain way, but there are healthy ways that INFPs deal and unhealthy ways that they work through their stuff, and the evidence seems to point to the latter for you. Again, the main problem may not be your type so much as it is your underlying issues.

The "greener pastures" thing is human to a certain extent, and perhaps INFP to a further extent, mainly because we INFPs are such idealists about the way things "should" be. It's hard for us to be content with what is. If you say that your marriage is great and you have no desire to leave it, then I would say that it's just your idealism beckoning you on to greener pastures if you hadn't mentioned this being a real problem, with "bad judgment calls," and if you hadn't mentioned your drastic mood swings. Those tell me that there's a lot more going on.

I saw in the other thread that you're seeing a psychiatrist you're not happy with. First and foremost, I would recommend that you find a good therapist if you haven't already done so. Therapy can be at least as effective as medication. Finding a good therapist isn't easy; the first ones you try may not be a good fit, and you just have to keep looking for someone you mesh with. Second of all, can you see a different psychiatrist? All psychiatrists are not created equal and some are not very good at their jobs.

Third, how much does your husband know about what's going on? You said he knew about the bad judgment calls. Does he know about the possible bipolar? About your ongoing problems? He needs to know.

Re: TucsonENTP: If you are an INFP and you do or say anything that he does not like, he will attribute it to your type and decide that there's something fundamentally wrong with both your type and the action that he didn't like. I'm not sure why he has a little vendetta against INFPs. Haha, hell for Tucson would be a small, locked room with ten INFPs all complaining and commiserating about their problems. Everyone did a great job in this thread of telling him off, though.