[MBTI General] coping with being a "single" NFP

[antireconciler]

Sometimes I feel like I'm being held back from "the one" because there's some terrible flaw in me that I have to fix first, and I can't, for the life of me, figure out what it is.

Some days I'm okay, really, but other days the loneliness is so bad I physically feel like my chest is caving in.

I totally know the feeling, and I have that fear too.

I think though that there is some satisfaction or relief in going with your body though, because mate-selection seems very hardwired into our thinking. It's almost like the easiest way to be happy and content being single is to be actively putting yourself in situations where you are likely to meet new people your age.

People can be quite happy single and also looking, and I think it's when you loose touch with that outgoing mate-seeking aspect of yourself that things start to look like a trap, where we are never sure if we are entirely happy being alone but feel powerless to do anything about our feelings. We are either unsatisfied and pained in loneliness, or we cling to a rather frail sense of delusion about the happiness we feel in our indifference to the whole thing.

You really have to keep in mind that the human body is thoroughly programmed for mate-selection, and it will ALWAYS be trying to hook you up. It does this relentlessly! Because that's what nature has engineered it to do. If you try to defy it you will fight a battle impossible to win. But apparently nature doesn't care that much IF you have found someone, but simply that you are putting yourself out there into novel situations and encounters. It's scary as hell, but if you can appreciate that you don't have any choice and that it is what you really want anyway, then what was just scary is now also quite exciting!

Why is it exciting and freeing? It is because that is the feeling of living in harmony with your nature, whether she ends up finding someone great for you or never does. There were never guarantees. BUT, you ARE guaranteed that happiness is never a matter of contingency. That at least is your right.

 

[rainydays]

I'm comfortable with being single....almost a little too comfortable at times, I fear. I need my space, of course I do; I'm human and an introvert, after all. But lately, oh, I've been in that 'maybe I'd be better on my own, no one seems to understand me' mode. I've been reflecting on my past more and more these days and I know that's natural from time to time but most days it's difficult to feel like myself. I know I've hardened my heart a little. I can't trust. I'm not sure I trust anyone completely, sometimes not even myself. I've loved. I know he wasn't my great love but that's the beauty of retrospect. I learned a lot from the man who fucked with my heart. That was a couple of years ago and I'm only just okay. Then there was another who taught me to trust again before ripping off the band aid and pushing me back to the start again. I don't trust. I know myself, I know my needs, I know my limits, but I'm really freaked out when I think about being with someone romantically.

I'm okay with being single. As I said, maybe a little too okay.

 

[lost verses]

Though I'm not saying this to make anyone else feel bad. Sometimes it's hard to feel that kind of longing in your heart every day and not have it make you a little crazy or despairing.

Yes. This x3470357032. It's a constant need to fulfill in my soul. And when there's nothing I can do to fix it, that's when it gets painful.

 

[JoyfulRandom]

I broke up with my boyfriend several weeks ago, and have been really struggling with this issue. I want to be okay as a single person, I want to think that I don't "have" to be in a relationship, but I still desperately want to have that kind of connection again, even as I fear it. I know very well that I tend to fall in love way too easily, and have a tendency to trap myself in things that just aren't working.

I married very young and then got divorced several years later (he was NT, and it was actually a pretty amicable split -we're actually still friends, albeit distant). I think that I've yet to go more than six months without being in a relationship (if only a one sided crush . I know that I do want to make a life with someone someday, but right now, I think that I've got to figure out my own. I really don't know when I'll be ready to date again. Sometimes I think that I never will be.

How do I cope? I write a lot in a journal. I've been trying to focus more on developing a wider circle of friends. I've also been doing things like yoga and biking, and reacquainting myself with all the parts of myself that I lost track of during the last relationship.

And I figure if..well, when the next relationship happens, the pace will be ...glacial.

 

[BlueinGreen]

I was single for the first 20 years of my life, and as a teenager, I'd have to say that my lack of any sort of romantic relationship was always somewhere in the back of my mind. I often wondered what was wrong with me that nothing ever panned out in that regard. I'd find activities to distract myself; it never hurt anywhere near as bad when I was with my friends or engaged in music, etc., but that's not to say I wasn't constantly reminded that I'd never had a significant other. There was just this level of emotional support and sharing that I felt I needed and didn't have. I never talked to anyone about that at the time seeing as I didn't want to come off as an emo kid, but we're all NF's here...

In college, I just kind of stopped caring so much and I felt like I was finally happy with my life, single or not. I decided to just chill out and be myself; I wasn't looking for a relationship or expecting to find one. I was working with the psych dept., playing guitar in a local band, hanging with friends and just enjoying life. Then, at a party I met my girlfriend; we had a lot of chemistry from the start, and after four dates we were a couple. I couldn't be happier.

So what does this mean? It means that when you relax and gain some confidence in yourself as an individual, things are more likely to click, romantically or otherwise.

 

[SciVo]

I've always been single. My attempts at dating were always, I repeat always painfully awkward. To keep up hope in an endeavor, even an optimist like me still needs some occasional success, however rare it might be; and maybe I didn't try very often, so that it took many years for me to get completely discouraged, yet it happened eventually.

When I was thirtyish and still utterly alone, I finally stopped even trying, focusing instead on self-improvement; since of course, my own presence was the single most common factor in all of those failures. I've had a couple of false starts over the last half-decade where I'd fix one thing and think that I was ready to try again, only to discover that I was wrong... but I think that I've finally actually done it now.

Just this summer, I finally overcame my inherited perfectionism, which was keeping me from liking myself (since I'm not perfect) and therefore making it impossible to trust someone else liking me (since how could they if I don't). Now I just have to meet someone to ask out, so as soon as I made that breakthrough last month, I started making a point of going out and doing something interesting and social every week.

In fact, I have a date with myself to go out to a club tomorrow to listen to a band that I like. Who knows, I might even join an internet dating site!

 

[tess2008]

(I know I'm not an NFP, but I am on the border of INFJ/INFP )

I've only ever been in one relationship, and it wasn't with someone I 'loved.' Since then, I've been struggling with being single, and feeling like time is 'slipping away' and that I'm wasting it being all alone.
and the worst part is that I keep meeting people and loving everything about them, and wanting so much to be with them, but I NEVER know what to say, or how to talk to them, and I feel like I'm not good enough, and I'm delusional etcetc.
at the moment there's a guy I work with who is the sweetest, most beautiful person I've met.. maybe ever, and he's gorgeous too, and I TRY to talk to him and kind of.. hint that I like him, but I don't think I get the message across at all really.. and I don't want to be more obvious because I'm terrified of being rejected.

 

[Wild horses]

I find being single great! I have a really wide circle of friends who I love, I'm passionate about my hobbies and interests, I find I am very rarely bored and all in all life is good! What I find strange is the way lots of people react to single people, like it's a state that they need to save you from! And no matter what your age or your situation in life you MUST be on the look out for Mr. Right and your happniess is feined, a clever front to protect you from pity and BAD blind dates!? What's with everyone... why must we live in a Noah's arc state with everyone in bleeding pairs!??! Not saying I'm totally against being in a great relationship but I am TOTTALY against being in a relationship because everyone says I can't possibly be single!??!

 

[Biaxident]

Being single was never a problem. Coping with the aftermath of a failed relationship,that, has been a problem. I don't feel like I can trust anyone enough to try again.

That said, I prefer to be in a relationship, long term, with someone willing to work at it.

Time to work on myself some more.



Funny thing, once I stop trying so hard to find someone. I find someone.

Cliché, I know... But true.

 

[Queen Kat]

I don't mind being single, as long as others don't start complaining about it (and they do!). I love my freedom, and I prefer to keep it.

 

[Goatman455]

This is a question for ENFPs & INFPs that are totally single: How do you cope with NOT being in a relationship? Do you feel like you are constantly waiting to meet the next one or "the one"? Do you find every day to be painful like I do? What do you do to get through these trying times?

I have learned one thing about relationships in my life (only 1 thing, I am shitty at every other aspect). You will not find love by looking for it. Live your life, enjoy being single, and love will blindside you most likely.

 

[SillySapienne]

I have learned one thing about relationships in my life (only 1 thing, I am shitty at every other aspect). You will not find love by looking for it. Live your life, enjoy being single, and love will blindside you most likely.

o noes, how this is so very true!!!

i am so productive when i am not all wrapped up with someone else, both figuratively and literally.

I am currently crushing on a guy bad, it's scaring meeeeeeeeeee!!!!

 

[Clonester]

I'm definitely happy being single right now, though at the same time something feels missing. It's probably because I live on my own. I enjoy the freedom, but being the only one here drives me nuts sometimes. But I'm typically out doing stuff so it's often not a problem. At times it can be frustrating when it's not going to work out with a girl for whatever reason, yet you can imagine in your head that it will work out anyway. Reality is different than the ideal one creates in their head.

So being in a relationship is certainly comforting because you know, even if you are alone, it doesn't feel like you are alone because there's someone out there thinking about and who cares about you.

 

[SciVo]

I have learned one thing about relationships in my life (only 1 thing, I am shitty at every other aspect). You will not find love by looking for it. Live your life, enjoy being single, and love will blindside you most likely.

I tried that and it didn't work very well. I finally decided that the problem was that it's hard to meet people by going home and reading after work -- believe it or not, in the last year, exactly zero attractive young women broke into my apartment to introduce themselves to me! So, now I make a point of doing at least one thing every week where I'm likely to meet new people, such as going out to a show by a local band. I'm assuming that for ENFPs, such people-meeting activities are included in "live your life, enjoy being single."

 

[Laurie]

^ I like this post.

 

[Goatman455]

I tried that and it didn't work very well. I finally decided that the problem was that it's hard to meet people by going home and reading after work -- believe it or not, in the last year, exactly zero attractive young women broke into my apartment to introduce themselves to me! So, now I make a point of doing at least one thing every week where I'm likely to meet new people, such as going out to a show by a local band. I'm assuming that for ENFPs, such people-meeting activities are included in "live your life, enjoy being single."

I think you might be focusing a bit too much on the details and taking my comment to the extreme. You never go out grocery shopping, to a restaurant? How do you survive without ever leaving the house. I refuse to believe you stay indoors 24/7.

You may not buy it, but trust me, looking for love is not how you find it, eventually I think you will understand what I am saying, when you find someone you love that you didn't see coming.

 

[Clonester]

I get what you're saying Goatman. But you don't have to be looking for love when you go out and do stuff. It's just enjoying life. Love may find you, but not if you don't meet people.

 

[speculative]

I think you might be focusing a bit too much on the details and taking my comment to the extreme. You never go out grocery shopping, to a restaurant? How do you survive without ever leaving the house. I refuse to believe you stay indoors 24/7.

I have never witnessed two people who did not already know each other meeting and getting to know each other at a grocery store, restaurant, or other venue where people normally go just as part of their everyday lives.

Now a concert, or some sort of event, that's different. I went to an event for the local animal shelter this weekend and chatted with someone I had never met before briefly.

So, I do think you have to make an effort to do things and go places where people do not normally go just to function in everyday life in order to meet new people...

 

[Goatman455]

I get what you're saying Goatman. But you don't have to be looking for love when you go out and do stuff. It's just enjoying life. Love may find you, but not if you don't meet people.

I didn't say to look for it, quite the opposite. Also, most people I know who were married met in ordinary circumstances.

I can't imagine that anyone, even a large Introvert, who would be in circumstances where they don't meet people at least from time to time.


I am not saying you can't find love if you look for it, I mean in the end, if two people want love, and they are willing to accept the other person for who they are, they will fall in love and be happy.

I don't want to discourage anyone, it was just an observation I had noticed. Two people can love each other under any circumstances they choose, if they really are desperate.

I think it is more the attitude I was referring to when you do go out. If you want a one night stand, look for 'love'. If you want love, be yourself.

 

[Clonester]

I think it is more the attitude I was referring to when you do go out.

True. A strong/deep connection with a girl is not something that can be forced.