[MBTI General] coping with being a "single" NFP

[Nonsensical]

I don't know if I'm always on a hunt, but I wouldn't mind being in a relationship most of the time. I hesitate to say this because I also don't like getting in bad relationships, so it could go either way..I feel more free though, when I'm not in relationships, and I like freedom, so it's a hard decision.

 

[The Outsider]

I have never really been in a relationship myself. Like everything with me, how I feel just depends on the day I guess. There are times when I yearn for a relationship, but right now I couldn't really see myself committing myself to anyone like that. It seems restricting and a little scary to me.

 

[kyuuei]

I think I've become too comfortable too fast for my age in the mindset of potentially being single the rest of my life.

It hurts, but not all the time. Some days the day will be bad, I feel like I got no support, got into a fight with the folks, the japanese didn't win the world series, and then I go to my room and lay down and I'm alone. and on those days I generally cry myself to sleep because I don't even feel like I have anyone I could possibly call to complain about that to..

Most of the time though, I'm comfortable, and content with myself and who I am. I'm the sort who thinks people are destined for SOMETHING, but that not everyone is destined for love. I'm still trying to figure out if I am one of those people or not.

 

[Hexis]

I prefer being in a relationship as apposed to being single, but at the same time really really enjoy being single when I am. Its like what OneWithSoul said, its all about the freedom.

However i am also always looking for "the one", if you can call it that. And no matter how much im enjoying being single I will go through bouts of depression due to being single. They only last a couple of days, no more than a week at absolute most and happens about once a month or so. Im currently in one of those moods.

 

[Rachelinpa]

I sort of just am used to guys not being the right one. I try to idealize the wrong ones due to impatience, but deep down I know it's not it. I think living in the clouds a little bit helps to take whatever edge off. It keeps me fascinated.

 

[garbage]

What do I do when I'm single? Work on myself. Break into new hobbies, travel more, meet new people, completely change my lifestyle and try something different.

When I got out of my last relationship, it was also right when I graduated and was ready to head into my Ph.D. program. I decided to slow down my schoolwork, stop focusing on my career so much, and get myself out there.. not necessarily in hopes of meeting someone, but just to experience more of the world out there. Soon enough, I was out doing something different every single night of the week--without exaggeration--most of it being stuff that I'd never tried before. From pool to yoga to dancing to soccer to jazz music to social networking organizations' planning meetings.. yeah, I broke into a lot of different activities with full enthusiasm and amazingly kept them up every week. I also traveled somewhere different at least once a month.

Through all of this, though, especially at the beginning, I'd just feel like I had nobody to share my experiences with.. despite the fact that I was partaking in these activities with friends, I was meeting wonderful new people, and I had friends that I could pretty much call at any time. It was the strangest feeling, but it did get better with time.

I had started dating again, which raised questions as to when you should "give up" trying to pursue a particular individual--that is, when you know it won't work with them--or what it actually feels like when you "just know" or "click" with someone. I didn't want to just jump into a relationship or "go through the motions" with one, nor did I want to settle. And, believe me, you don't want to be in a relationship with someone you don't even like.

It came when I'd basically stopped looking.. I finally found someone I "just knew" about. Even then, I'm taking things slowly. I'm still holding onto my independence and freedom, but I'm also introducing her to this wild and crazy world I discovered while I was on my own.

Maybe this rings true to the NF perspective, maybe not.. but it certainly helps when I find someone who I feel is accepting of me, especially because it can be very hard for me to accept myself at times.


yeah.. I formally changed my type to an NF just so I can post in these threads and get a better feel for the temperament.. it might just suit me

 

[JivinJeffJones]

This is a question for ENFPs & INFPs that are totally single: How do you cope with NOT being in a relationship? Do you feel like you are constantly waiting to meet the next one or "the one"? Do you find every day to be painful like I do? What do you do to get through these trying times?

I spend far more time out of relationships than in them. I haven't been in a relationship for 6 years now (by choice), and haven't felt any desire to change this state of affairs. Women fuck me up, basically. Probably through no fault of their own. I got sick of the dizzying highs and the crushing lows, so now I avoid all women I find attractive (irl). It's not ideal, and it's probably pretty anti-INFPy of me, but it keeps me on more of an even keel and it frees up my mind to think about other things. I'm not even sure I could start up a relationship now if I wanted to -- I've gotten used to the way things are.

Actually, I was reading High Fidelity recently and the main character struck me as being an ENFP with the kind of problem you're talking about. You should definitely read it -- great book.

 

[antireconciler]

not sure, if i have dissociated this, or if i am just centered in a healthy way.

i don't think, a partner could save me from my inner deficits/weakness, as i used to, when i still had the yearning.
but i still think, a partner could save me in 'practical' ways. there can not be LIVE, alone. spirit dies.

Yes. All of the above.

I haven't ever not been single, it's like I don't think I'll meet anyone worthy of a comitment I doubt it. I'm 22 and I have yet to meet anyone I'd want to date.I think their should be a thread that says coping with being in a "relationship" aswell.

I know the feeling. Partly I haven't dated because I just have rarely been attracted enough to bother. Partly though I also attribute it to the submissive and shy attitude I've had about it.

I do enjoy dating even though I can count the number of dates I've been on with one hand, and relationships that made it past attraction without becomimg friendships, without any at all. Dating is easy to like. It's a lot of fun, and it's MUCH more fun when you do it just FOR fun and shake away the sense of being driven by yearning.

Determination to attract and play the emotions of others like strings is apparently the way to go if there is motive to create a relationship, and maybe if it frightened me less, I'd find this was my natural inclination. I don't know. But, when I say "ah, I'm just not interested, I don't care, what's the point, I'm just happy myself" what I feel is like I'm telling myself something anxious and am painting something on myself which is like oil on water. Somehow, it doesn't stick, and it leads me to suspect myself of lies.

I mean, it's odd. Why play the emotional strings of others? Am I not quite content with myself? Doesn't it feel arrogant? I don't know. It makes me feel just repelled enough that I feel called upon to press myself into it.

In short, I simply do not know who I am.

Anyway, I'll respond according to my reasoning and feelings, whatever ends up coming of that. I am confident though that I can never enter a relationship feeling as though something were at stake. If I do that, I am lost. The feeling of wanting to be someone's support or to be supported by another is something that feels yucky and sticky, and reeks of contagion and carrion, and I'll treat the feeling like a scared child if I feel it within me.

I definitely want to one day be a mother and have a family, and I am particular about what I like in a mate, and I am a freak...

I get more into myself, through exploring and enjoying who I am!

I like your attitude.

I don't understand myself though. I FEEL very particular and like I am a freak too ... and yet, from experience, I know I form bonds with people for far less. I mean, if anyone is like me in this, then we should all give up any ideas of being rejected by others because we're too different because it apparently doesn't take much similarity at all for me to form transparent bonds.

I don't know. Maybe I just want to be appreciated for who I am straight to the depth of me, and that's why I feel so much like there is no possibility of a key for this lock. But then, I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of myself. I sometimes want so much to invert myself and let all my insides show spectacularly for everyone because I feel lonely ... but then again, I feel like this is the CAUSE of loneliness, not the cure at all.

There is perhaps nothing so deep within me at all. I guess I can admit that. There is nothing deeper. Nothing to reveal. For that reason, maybe I can just form relationships without feeling like I'm not a fit or like I am alone. Maybe I only am what is before me. So much "depth" to me maybe never existed at all. I'm okay giving up that dream. There was nothing really that satisfying about it anyway. It makes me feel ... more like me, and somehow I think that is a good criterion for truth.

 

[nolla]

How do you cope with NOT being in a relationship? Do you feel like you are constantly waiting to meet the next one or "the one"?

I'm not sure. On one hand I feel like I am missing out on something, on the other hand it doesn't work for me to be with someone just to not be alone. I don't actually do anything to find "the one", except keep my eyes open, so I guess it's not like the most important thing in my life.

Do you find every day to be painful like I do? What do you do to get through these trying times?

I used to feel this way, but it made me do some stupid choices (because I was somewhat obsessed with the idea that I need someone) and now I try to keep in mind that there are so few people I love as friends that there must be very very few people I could have the kind of relationship I want. It does feel like the chances are slim for this, though...

 

[LadyJaye]

I get what you guys are saying about feeling single, even if you're in a relationship, because the "right" connection isn't there. I think we have to be deeply and profoundly in love to feel truly part of a pair. I've only been in love once in my life, and that was the only time I felt like I was in the right place, romantically speaking. It surprised me - it's not a feeling a person could contrive.

The world is such a big, exciting, terrifying place. I want to see it, taste it, touch it. I feel like that is my main goal, and it relieves me of the grind of "the one" not being there. Just greater than the sum of it's parts, you know? I feel compelled to live authentic, and that can't happen if I'm involving another human being in something ( aka romance) that isn't attaching itself to me on all levels. And in a guy, I need the spirituality, the curiosity about the world, the kindness to others that I crave for myself.

 

[CzeCze]

I think I've become too comfortable too fast for my age in the mindset of potentially being single the rest of my life.

Most of the time though, I'm comfortable, and content with myself and who I am. I'm the sort who thinks people are destined for SOMETHING, but that not everyone is destined for love. I'm still trying to figure out if I am one of those people or not.

Wow.

Is this an ENFP thing??

Because your sentiments are exactly how I used to feel for a long time and still shake off the remnants of - "I am not destined for love". For whatever reason, that was my love script even before puberty. Tragic love, harlequin romance, platonic love - it was these things that I felt intuitively were mine - not lasting, romantic relationships.

Boo.

I even took one of those pop psychology tests and it said my love script was about feeling like I can't reach love because my morals, principles, values or what have you will get in the way.

And it was true!

I had opportunities and people interested in me, but I would always turn them down or back away or turn it into friendship because I wanted to be a "good" person.

Example 1 : I didn't want to date a girl I was intensely attracted to who was making it pretty clear she was into me. Why? Because she had hooked up with my polyamorous friend who didn't take rejection well. And my friend by that time had a serious boyfriend! And in retrospect, my friend would have NEVER returned the favor or been as considerate of my feelings.

Example 2: My first year of college I was a host for high school senior orientation week. One of the women I met (who I hadn't hosted but I had met) enrolled in my college and I could tell she had a crush on me. I thought she was cute but I didn't act on anything. It seemed "wrong" to me to start dating given how we had met. Even though I had never officially been a mentor to her and even though people hook up and date their RA's (resident advisors) and other upperclass officers all the time.

I still see the reasoning for why I turned down these possibilities but I also know that my REAL problem was that I didn't prioritize myself. You must prioritize yourself and what you want when it comes to love situations or it will never happen.

My key issues:

1) Not visualizing myself in love and happy. I never gave myself or my life permission to put me in a relationship or dating situation. At all. At some deep level I was scared of it, I did not feel deserving, I did not think it would happen to me. You manifest what you believe.

2) If you want an excuse not to do something, you will ALWAYS find it.

Kyueei, I don't know what your story is and I know this sounds really cheesy, but I just want to say - you are destined for love! Everyone is. It makes me sad to think this is a fundamental truth - "I am not destined for love" - that you deal with because I know exactly how that feels like. I know everyone is different, but for myself, I finallly decided that I WANT to be happy and I can and want and deserve to be with someone and create something awesome I tell myself this, I believe this, I hope for this and I think that affects how I conduct myself in life in ways I am not aware of and helps make that reality happen.

There is absolutely at least one more love story in store for everyone. Except maybe if you're very old and have lived most of your life already, but even then there are a lot of retired and widowed people who have jumped back into dating!

 

[BerberElla]

Because your sentiments are exactly how I used to feel for a long time and still shake off the remnants of - "I am not destined for love". For whatever reason, that was my love script even before puberty. Tragic love, harlequin romance, platonic love - it was these things that I felt intuitively were mine - not lasting, romantic relationships.

Hah, I still feel that way now, probably more so than I did as a teen. Just that deep down feeling that there is no one out there for me.

Is it because I know no one will ever live up to the idealised image of love I have created? I doubt that's where it comes from, I was introspective as a young teen, but not aware enough to know subconciously that I had idealised love so much it would never fulfil me.

I just feel it so strongly.

 

[musttry]

I was in two different relationships that covered 11 years of my life. I have been single for a little over a year and it is definitely something I needed. I swore to myself that I wouldn't date anyone else until I was totally comfortable with being alone with myself. It was the best year of my life in terms of personal growth. I kept dating just to hone my skills with the ladies but I have been extremely cautious about not getting in too deep (hard for an NF).

I feel that I've almost gotten to where I wanted to be, so now I'm keeping my eye out!

 

[musttry]

oups. Apparently this was meant for NFPs, hope you don't mind. I'm borderline anyways.

 

[Bubbles]

I like being single. I do. Sometimes when I'm with friends and their boyfriends, yes, then I wish I had another wheel to latch onto, but I'd rather be in no relationship than a relationship I didn't want in the first place. Besides, being single is freeing and let's you figure out how you want to live, how you want to grow and change, what you need to fix in your life. When you've reached that point, and when someone notices you've reached that point, then I think dating becomes all that much easier.

Anyway, I'm happy as a clam to be single right now.

 

[Siegfried]

I think, I am going to accept being single, not have a relationship, figure out how I want to live.

 

[antireconciler]

I just want to say - you are destined for love! Everyone is. It makes me sad to think this is a fundamental truth - "I am not destined for love" - that you deal with because I know exactly how that feels like. I know everyone is different, but for myself, I finallly decided that I WANT to be happy and I can and want and deserve to be with someone and create something awesome I tell myself this, I believe this, I hope for this and I think that affects how I conduct myself in life in ways I am not aware of and helps make that reality happen.

There is absolutely at least one more love story in store for everyone. Except maybe if you're very old and have lived most of your life already, but even then there are a lot of retired and widowed people who have jumped back into dating!

*hissing at you ... while acknowledging the truth of what you've said*

There's no reason for this to be difficult to accept ... but I don't really have a choice ...


Sorry CzeCze, I have to completely accept and embrace what you've said. You understand. I have no choice.

I had idealised love so much it would never fulfil me.

I just feel it so strongly.

R-Right ... so what is this parasite in my mind? What is it? What is it for? Protection. I don't want what I felt when I felt love. It was like foolishness. I hated something about myself. What was it? Vulnerability. Why would I feel that and why would it be bad? Maybe it's not. How could love possibly threaten me in any way? That just sounds ridiculous. Pride. Something simple then. That at least I can give up. How absurd that I would be prideful. Mind, nothing is scary here, so why are you shivering? You're just reactive. You're not me.

Even if it's a strong feeling, it's still not persuasive enough. Isn't it funny that something should be really really strong and yet unpersuasive?

 

[OrangeAppled]

I've always gotten the impression that INFPs are not that great at finding love, as we are unlikely to "hunt" and difficult to get to know.

In some ways I am content to be single. I enjoy the "freedom", and of course I need a lot of alone time to daydream. However, I do feel the need to connect with someone, to be understood, to receive and give affection. I think I have a lot of love to give, but finding someone to give it to is tricky. I cope by retreating into my imagination.

I've also felt the fear that I will always be alone and am not "meant" to love.
Like this Smiths' lyric, "Love is natural and real, but not for such as you and I, my love."

 

[kyuuei]

Cze-chan, thank you for your post btw. Especially the part Barbarella boldened (I agree with you entirely Ella). I think that some people are destined to find love, but not everyone. Some people CAN be happy even if it isn't the true love they were hoping for though. I don't think my parents had the faint-inducing true love that I picture being the ideal way of things, but they certainly didn't divorce and stuck out all their problems and flaws just fine.

What makes it worse is that I am a very self-oriented person.. in the sense that, I blame everything on myself. ... that still isn't coming out right. I look within myself for the solutions to my problems. I'm extroverted, so I bounce situations off of people, but I generally have an idea of what I want to do or how to fix what's wrong already.

When it comes to relationships, I am constantly searching within myself for solutions, and although I let my partners know what's wrong, it's only after I've sorted out things in my head.. I don't always work on other people's schedules. This causes conflicts, I realize, because I get resentful that people aren't constantly working as hard for me in return. To me, your boss telling you you're doing something wrong is too late to realize it needs correcting. You should have the intestinal fortitude to realize it. I understand this is idealistic and sometimes people need a cue (I need these too) but I have boyfriends who literally wait for EVERY small thing to be nagged on constantly, which quickly builds to unhealthy resentment.

To update my situation a bit: I've been talking to a man, (keyword talking, little more) whom I know is interested in me.. and I know it's unreasonable, but I feel like I don't even want to give him the chance to disappoint me somehow because I feel like every relationship fails and I really don't want awkwardness with this guy.. I really like him, at least as a friend, im not sure about more tbh, and I'd rather just shut it off before it escalates instead of having another man I thought was SO cool try to leech the life out of me, change me from who I am, or get frustrated when they realized I wasn't all sunshine and butterflies 24/7.

 

[Serendipity]

Kyueei, I don't know what your story is and I know this sounds really cheesy, but I just want to say - you are destined for love! Everyone is. It makes me sad to think this is a fundamental truth - "I am not destined for love" - that you deal with because I know exactly how that feels like. I know everyone is different, but for myself, I finallly decided that I WANT to be happy and I can and want and deserve to be with someone and create something awesome I tell myself this, I believe this, I hope for this and I think that affects how I conduct myself in life in ways I am not aware of and helps make that reality happen.

You are so CUTE! Wah!

I've also gone for the tragical lovestory. Almost lived it out as well. This girl, This boy, meet have a wonderful time but I put it together as friends because I tried to be the good guy and... Wow, it's like I'm in the past every fucking time I think about it. My key issue; Regret of not taking the fucking wonderful opportunity infront of me when I was so overwhelmed by her. And still am. Which is the issue. Atm. I just can't forget. And She's still my friend. So I guess I kept in the relationship that never but did turn into a weird masochistic love/love relationship somewhere. And now she got a bf. I feel like argh. Wah.

But about 700k miles away from her has helped a lot though. Not enough but a lot. Ish.
I wish for that feeling again, so grand scale. Like every pore was sensing the existence of another total being.

I once described it as two stone statues, as large as the sky, just staring at eachother with such fierceful emotions that not either one dares take the first step; as if we did, the dream would be ruined and we would've killed eachother.

Ok, I know it sounds soooo silly but that was the way I saw it at the time. It sounds way better in Swedish though. Hence second-language difficulties.


I feel so dumbfolded. Like a fool. Argh.

Anyway, you're so cute! I love that. Weeeee!
Kēài! (cute, I think.. Not really sure about the spelling in pinyin just yet...)
Or Japanese; Kawaii!
Or Swedish: Söt!
which would be the only ones I know. More or less.

What my initial intention to writing this though was; I'm quite contempt staying single until I find someone that feels... MUCH. Grandscale. But a different one. Not the one I already would die for, even though it is very irrational, or at least so I have been told.


Ok. I'll REALLY try to hold the red line, through out the reminder of the post. (i'm having quite the difficulties with this.)


I am not unhappy about being single but I would not mind finding someone that I fit with. And that is something I find very hard as I tend to have quite high expectations.

Does any one else find it really hard to have sex with someone unless there's at least one hint of emotion behind? I do. And that is a fucking big problem. I mean, I get sexually frustrated like everyone else but I can't seek it out the same way my other peers seem to be able to. It's just too... much lack of emotions.


As long as I draw/paint/play/sing/dance/jump around, I don't find it too hard to not be in a relationship, but that might also be because I am still in the "waiting for her" place. And damn it's hard to let go.


I hope this is readable and not too much mumbo-jumbo. I've really tried my best in sounding coherent.