[INFP] Disliking people on instinct?

[Valhallahereicome]

This has been bothering me a lot:

I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?

 

[BlackCat]

I can totally relate to you on this subject, really. This is usually why almost all of my friends are intuitive. I expect too much out of people, and in the end I know I wouldn't be satisfied talking to those people who don't fall under my expectations.

I'm very glad someone else hates Meanspiritedness. It's one of the worst ways of bonding/flirting I've ever experienced, and it makes me lament anyone I see doing it. I automatically lose taste in anyone I see doing this. I thought I was weird because I didn't want to be fake mean to someone to bond, everyone else was doing it! It just never seemed right to me, never felt right to do it, experience it, or see people do it.

The trivial conversations also annoy me a lot too. It makes me think a lot of people are so simple minded.

I also love it when people open up and show me the real them. If someone tries to fake it then I will probably not speak with them again, or I will at least resist the urge.

Yeah you aren't alone in this, really.

 

[tibby]

People take on roles and want to adapt and be popular and it's all that "looking for thyself" jadajadaja. It bothered me back when I was a teen, but I've always found people to hang out with.
First I thought it was this growing up thing, but then I got my first job at 16 and what do I see Adults, as in grown up people, acting and being the same way. Well I guess the business it was in influenced the type of people that would work in the field.

I mean... I never trust first impressions, I know we do this evaluation basically in 6 seconds. It's never right, you can never tell the kind of person someone is with the first impressions. Think of yourself - how would you think you come off as ? For some people the way others see them and the social hierarchy is very important, so they try to adapt with the best way possible and since this "divide" is apparent in the way you described that's the only way to "get to the top" so to speak. So maybe it's power. Around people like you, they'd just be equal and there'd be no clear structure and status. And maybe some aren't as good at interpreting social dynamics as you are, so they stick to what seems most direct and straight-forward way.

People are not what they seem, it's a matter of trying to conform. And seeing it from their view, may help you understand.

 

[wildcat]

This has been bothering me a lot:

I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?

Dislike is not always prejudice.
Usually it is, though.
Accent is a good example of prejudice.
Or skin colour. Or triviality. Or class.

Accent, triviliality, skin colour.. is a birth right.
Trivial people have the right to be trivial.

If the other kind of people have no legitimacy in your eyes, where is your legitimacy in their eyes?

 

[BlackCat]

Trivial people have the right to be trivial.

You are right in saying this, however some people I just don't have the patience with. If I observe and someone doesn't really show any signs of going off the track of being trivial, I will most likely not be interested. They have every right to that though.

If the other kind of people have no right in your eyes, where is your right in their eyes?

Also it's funny how this statement you said works. They will most likely not approach us due to the same concepts, we will not approach them due to similar concepts. It's just how things work it seems. People don't get the right vibes from others in some cases, I experience this a good bit. Most if not all of the time when I do and I end up trying to talk to the person anyway then I am still disappointed.

Other than that all points are agreed/understood.

 

[Valhallahereicome]

Dislike is not always prejudice.
Usually it is, though.
Accent is a good example of prejudice.
Or skin colour. Or triviality. Or class.

Accent, triviliality, skin colour.. is a birth right.
Trivial people have the right to be trivial.

If the other kind of people have no right in your eyes, where is your right in their eyes?

You really can't lump in triviality with skin color and class. People are generally averse to judgments made on the latter two because race and class are things that people can't help, and that have nothing to do with who they truly are. Triviality, or lack thereof, is an actual part of someone's character. Are you saying that we can't judge people based on the content of their character? How un-MLK-ish.

Also, where did I say that they don't have a right to be trivial? Exactly what does that mean to you? All I said was that I instinctively disliked them for this trait. I certainly am not planning to start a movement to rehabilitate trivial-seeming people, or kick them out of school, or whatever. If you mean that I am too intolerant of them inside my own mind - on the contrary, I actually want to understand where they're coming from and relate to them better. I would prefer NOT to dislike them.

Glad that others do relate.

Tibby - Good point about not trusting first impressions. I doubt that I come off all that great in the first few minutes that someone meets me. It's good to keep an open mind for at least the first few interactions.

BlackCat - Definitely relate on expecting too much out of people. But I'm not sure how you see meanspiritedness? What I meant was when girls bond over saying nasty things about someone who's not present. It's probably different for guys, though.

Haha, I can actually recall times in my past when I'm pretty sure people were judging me for seeming trivial. I know I come off as loud and silly and sometimes ditzy, and if you saw me at a party you would never know I had more than two thoughts rattling around inside my little brain. Yet another reason to hold off on the judgment.

Any advice on how to force yourself to keep judgment at bay?

 

[Jeremy]

I think you see that, but also fail to realize that everyone has a deep part to themselves. They might not show it to the world, but it's there, you know? You can't dislike people for playing the social game, because the game isn't really their determination. They are doing what they perceive as "normal". Once you break through "normal", however, you start to see; these people are more than just the shells and masks that they show to the world. Even those of us who avoid such "trivial" matters are, in fact, wearing a mask that we use to protect ourselves from the perceived "fickle" world.

I'm not saying you have to like the interactions that people have, but I have learned that you can't judge people too quickly on appearances alone. There's always something beneath the surface that you can't immediately see, something that really forms the foundation of the person. Trivial conversations, valley girl accents, and meanspiritedness are facades used to overcome the trials of everyday life, but there is worth to everyone, and dismissing them on that alone is.. not right.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

...I mean... I never trust first impressions, I know we do this evaluation basically in 6 seconds. It's never right, you can never tell the kind of person someone is with the first impressions. Think of yourself - how would you think you come off as ? For some people the way others see them and the social hierarchy is very important, so they try to adapt with the best way possible and since this "divide" is apparent in the way you described that's the only way to "get to the top" so to speak. So maybe it's power. Around people like you, they'd just be equal and there'd be no clear structure and status. And maybe some aren't as good at interpreting social dynamics as you are, so they stick to what seems most direct and straight-forward way.

People are not what they seem, it's a matter of trying to conform. And seeing it from their view, may help you understand.

I appreciated reading this post. It is much easier to assume a first impression is correct than it is to actually be correct. I've made at least my share of bad first impressions. It's unfun to be on the receiving end of such things. I will admit that there are people (more often in the media than irl) that give me an annoyed or disappointed feeling, but when it happens I try to just see it as irrelevant, as being as much the result of my own baggage as it is theirs.

Disliking people on instinct is something to be wary of and it is something quite common to people in general from what I understand of it. It's the reason for having so many books and seminars, etc. on how to make a good first impression. It might also be amplified in fast-paced popular culture where a song's value is determined by its first five seconds. On the other hand, in situations that can involve danger, there is value in taking the cautious route and listening to your gut if it tells you there is something wrong with the interaction with a particular person. I guess it's about balance.

 

[wildcat]

You are right in saying this, however some people I just don't have the patience with. If I observe and someone doesn't really show any signs of going off the track of being trivial, I will most likely not be interested. They have every right to that though.



Also it's funny how this statement you said works. They will most likely not approach us due to the same concepts, we will not approach them due to similar concepts. It's just how things work it seems. People don't get the right vibes from others in some cases, I experience this a good bit. Most if not all of the time when I do and I end up trying to talk to the person anyway then I am still disappointed.

Other than that all points are agreed/understood.

I also plead guilty.

 

[Snow Turtle]

I think you see that, but also fail to realize that everyone has a deep part to themselves. They might not show it to the world, but it's there, you know? You can't dislike people for playing the social game, because the game isn't really their determination. They are doing what they perceive as "normal". Once you break through "normal", however, you start to see; these people are more than just the shells and masks that they show to the world. Even those of us who avoid such "trivial" matters are, in fact, wearing a mask that we use to protect ourselves from the perceived "fickle" world.

I'm not saying you have to like the interactions that people have, but I have learned that you can't judge people too quickly on appearances alone. There's always something beneath the surface that you can't immediately see, something that really forms the foundation of the person. Trivial conversations, valley girl accents, and meanspiritedness are facades used to overcome the trials of everyday life, but there is worth to everyone, and dismissing them on that alone is.. not right.

For most people that aren't close friends. It's extremely hard to break into 'random' topics from the start. Talking about 'trivial' things is a much safer, the draw back is that there are lots of 'boring' conversations. Lots of everybody in the world goes around thinking...

"Bah I hate small talk" - Yet they still force themselves to engage in it.

Ironically there are times when I'm listening to my N friends talk about lulcats etc and think... "Man. That's so trivial" >.<;

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I usually don't dislike people on instinct. It's when I get to know them that I begin to dislike them

1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

Yes, don't assume there is anything more to it. Some things just are, and not everyone cares to turn every conversation into a discussion on hermeneutics. I do dread such situations though. Mundane affairs like what your little cousin did yesterday or the game last night cause me to "escape" mentally, but I've noticed that others find these conversations pretty interesting and engaging. In order to keep myself balanced, I seek out others that I know enjoy the things I do and lurk forums like these in my free time

 

[CrystalViolet]

This has been bothering me a lot:

I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

I'm talking less about people I actually talk to than ones whom I overhear talking to each other. On a college campus, I overhear a lot of conversations and there are two things that bother me the most:

1) They are so TRIVIAL. No matter what the topic of conversation is, no one ever goes into real depth on it; it seems to be more of an excuse for a smiley, fake social interaction. No one ever says what they actually think, that is assuming that they do have deep thoughts on the matter.

2) The ACCENTS. This is southern California, and the Valley Girl accent proliferates. Then again, I recorded an interview the other day and listened to it afterward and heard MYSELF talking with a Valley Girl accent and using about 4 "like"s in a sentence. That was embarrassing. Guess I shouldn't judge based on accents.

These problems are almost universal and I find myself wanting to vigorously smash things after I listen to a few people talk like this. Less common but as bad or worse is 3) Meanspiritedness. I do understand that it's fun and bonding to be meanspirited with other people, but this is a tendency that should be fought against.

When I talk to someone, it's generally easier to enjoy the conversation. Still, I meet too many people that I just can't relate to. Shiny, smiley, fake people. Probably a fourth to a third of the people my age that I meet are like this. I want to dig down beneath the surface and find something real that I can appreciate in them, but it's hard to penetrate that far down.

So I end up thinking that there's something wrong with me - maybe if I were more approachable, people would be more genuine. Or maybe if I were able to appreciate people for who they are, I would like them better.

Reading this over, it sounds very INFP. Anyone else have thoughts?

The bad news first, this doesn't change with age.
Good news, you get more discerning though, and faster at wading through the rift raft .
Advice: some people are surprising, so always be open to that. One of my best friends at uni was some one I couldn't stand at first site.(I did think he was kind of harmlesss though). He had more depth then I thought. I thought he just wanted to get into my pants. He helped me out during a very traumatic time though. He was more the exception, rather than the rule, but they happen.
Though, this is important, trust your gut....I ended up with a stalker precisely because I was being "nice", and over ruled a first impression. So always trust your instincts.

My friend in the above example, never creeped me out, I think it was his lifestyle and gross aftershave that put me off (he was a man whore!)

 

[Laurie]

I used to like people a lot more.

 

[nolla]

I want to like people, I really do. I try to look for the good in people and I love it when people open up and really show themselves.

So why do I immediately dislike the majority of the people I encounter?

Majority of people never open up. That's why.

I have had the similar dislike towards the "normal" people. But, no one has the energy to dislike the majority of people forever. And if you do this, you will make it less likely that you find the people you like.

The other thing that bothers me about this attitude is that I feel like I am considering myself somehow special for not being one of "them". So, I actually need to consider most of the people as "not worthy", and by doing this I isolate myself more and create more "facts" that separate me from them. I make myself elite by evaluating people by standards I set based on what I am.

I'm not really sure how you can get over this for good. There just is so much evidence to point out that most people really don't behave the way I do, and there is no evidence to show me my way isn't the best way. But this is all subjective. Maybe all my thought about how things should go are just products of some sickness or defense or distortion. So, the subjectivity should make me at least a bit more forgiving towards them. Maybe they are right to not think about these things, maybe their way is the best kind of living. It is quite possible that we are the sick ones.

 

[Nadir]

The problem with your approach is that you equate "absence of liking" with "disliking", even though you could always take the middle road, stay neutral, and don't judge. I'm not sure how the following relates, but I just thought of it, and it probably does:

It's like going to a party, seeing a man and woman flirting, deducing that the man wants to sleep with the woman, and (here's the important part) telling the woman "the man talking to you right now wants to fuck you." Now did you need to do that? No. Did you prove anything, including how "trivial" the man is? Nope. But you probably ruined a perfectly good time.

 

[sculpting]

You really can't lump in triviality with skin color and class. People are generally averse to judgments made on the latter two because race and class are things that people can't help, and that have nothing to do with who they truly are. Triviality, or lack thereof, is an actual part of someone's character. Are you saying that we can't judge people based on the content of their character? How un-MLK-ish.

?

If that triviality iswhat they are-is it fair of you to expect more of them? Assume that the trivialness is part of thier basic makeup just like my Ne/Fi is part of my makeup, then is it fair to hate them for it?

I have had to talk myself through this one and found I judged them a little too harshly. I dont choose them as friends and I dont have a lot oif use for them in the workplace except as Cogs in the system, but I try to forgive them thier lack of depth.

When I try to hang out with my estp collegues I just end up bored and then wonder why they are so dumb, then have to reassess as they are just not deep. For them, that in the moment, spasticity defines who they are. It's not really fair of me to hate them for it.

I am with you though in the gut feeling it gives me.


On a side note sitting in the airport in LA vs sitting in the sirport in boston is a fascinating contrast. Boston is overflowing with awesome NTs, whereas LA, not so much.

 

[Lady_X]

i don't actually i can usually see beyond what they're conveying to how they really feel...and can sense how insecure so many people are and it makes me want to let them know that they can talk to me...i won't judge them...that is unless they actually are fake...then i feel bad for them kind of...but understand they have the right to be who they are...it's not my place to judge....and realize we're not supposed to like everyone all the time so it's okay, ya know?

but...i have overheard some young girls in the restroom talking about sex and they seemed to have such little self respect it really bothered me...i wanted to give them all a lil pep talk right there...or help them to find some strength...but decided that would be too weird.

 

[Valhallahereicome]

If that triviality iswhat they are-is it fair of you to expect more of them? Assume that the trivialness is part of thier basic makeup just like my Ne/Fi is part of my makeup, then is it fair to hate them for it?

That's an interesting question, and there's really no right answer. I don't believe that you can really equate triviality with MBTI functions; some MBTI types might be more prone than others to seeming "trivial," but I can't see it as a fundamental part of someone's makeup.

I tend to suspect that everyone can have a really rich inner life, and it's up to them whether they want to share it with the world or hide it inside; whether they want to cultivate it or make it wither for lack of attention. I guess I can't really judge people as making a "right" or "wrong" choice on that, and I can't put any expectations on them, but I can't help feeling that disconnect and then feeling frustrated at the way they express themselves.

This begs the question: Is it ever fair of us to judge someone else for his/her personality traits? If we can't judge people for either their genetic makeup or their choices, then we don't have much left to go on. This is a real question - I've argued it before with various people and while there's never a good conclusion, I find it very interesting.

I'd also like to hear ideas on whether most people really are capable of a rich inner life. One friend, an INFP, agreed; a couple others disagreed. If you disagree, do you think that introspection is something people can lack at birth or is it something that they stifle over time?

On a side note sitting in the airport in LA vs sitting in the sirport in boston is a fascinating contrast. Boston is overflowing with awesome NTs, whereas LA, not so much.

Haha, interesting. I was talking with a friend the other day, a relative newcomer to L.A., and I asked him if people were really more shallow here than other places. He said no - people are the same everywhere. I tend to agree with him on principle, but I guess it's possible that different types of cities attract different types of people.

 

[faith]

Wow. It went from 'dislike' in the title to 'hate' now. I certainly dislike people on instinct, but hating is a whole different category. There are plenty of people who are good and kind, and who will probably do a great deal to benefit mankind, but who just rub me the wrong way and I don't care to be around them. That's not to say I hate them, though.

 

[Von Mittendorf]

Valhalla, it's just that you live in LA. LA is bursting with the sort of vapid people that drive you crazy. Not to say they aren't elsewhere, but they've overrun LA. GET OUT OF THAT CITY!