• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[MBTI General] NFJ: Not Done Being Angry Yet

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I haven't been on in a while but had to come to say this is me in a serious argument (as you said not common tiffs) The Ni needing to sift through everything...figure out what it all means..I need that before I can discuss how I feel. I feel that if I'm pushed I will most definitely not address what is really causing my reaction.

Hey girl - long time no see. All is well?

Not to be disgusting, but it's like trying to lance a boil before it's ready to open. You just cut yourself up and bleed everywhere and the dratted thing's still there.
 

Littlelostnf

New member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
645
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Hey girl - long time no see. All is well?

Not to be disgusting, but it's like trying to lance a boil before it's ready to open. You just cut yourself up and bleed everywhere and the dratted thing's still there.

Well I've been caring for the Parental Units and running around like a chicken with my head cut off but for the most part all is well.

UGH...but yup that's about it..you lance it and there is nasty ripped flesh oozing puss and left over blood...and then it puffs back up again...

*going to eat now* ;)
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Well I've been caring for the Parental Units and running around like a chicken with my head cut off but for the most part all is well.

Ah, I see our lives are running a bit in parallel. Take some time for yourself, all right? Don't burn out.

UGH...but yup that's about it..you lance it and there is nasty ripped flesh oozing puss and left over blood...and then it puffs back up again...

*going to eat now* ;)

LOL! Sorry! :D
 

iwakar

crush the fences
Joined
May 2, 2007
Messages
4,877
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Time, time, time.

We NEED it to recover our composure. Period.

I too get tired of being accused of "grudge-holding" or "sulking" or "insert insult from someone who doesn't need time to process strong reactions." It's for EVERYONE'S benefit that we walk away because we know ourselves best and know that we need to.

:)
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
My sister says she can watch the weather changing on my face even if I don't outwardly react.

that is exactly how it feels. darkening. my mind feels the static that wants to discharge and i can sense in advance that awful comedown feeling afterward (like a phone call put on hold) when i am alone and back in my own body.

i have no control over it and it's so frustrating when you just want to forget about it but the clouds and their consequences won't go away until you are free and the toxic feeling rains itself out.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
I wish it were a choice. I can't believe how roiled by emotion I am, and I'm even talking about the good times, not just the bad. Whomever ultimately winds up with me had better like it hot because I can't control the Fe, just it's manifestations. :(

My sister says she can watch the weather changing on my face even if I don't outwardly react.
that was actually more to the people who were saying they wished they could stay angry.


Negative emotions really bother LadyJaye, especially when prolonged. I hate to see her struggling with something dark and oppressive that won't resolve itself because her natural state is to be generally optimistic and open. We run into a real problem when she can't divest herself of a bad feeling or bad experience. It makes her feel sick and upended. I'm the brooder. She's not. And I don't like it when something pushes her from PopNFresh to Godzilla. She's very tough, but it ticks me off when anything or anyone intrudes on her good nature.
Yes, very similar and it was more so when I was a child then I had a dark period, and now I'm getting back to my optomistic self.



I've been taken hostage by NFJ on a rampage many times in my life and it's pretty awful. And you'd think it would help *being* an NFJ, but it doesn't. It's just as bad for me as for anyone else.

yes, my brother seems to fight back when my mom goes on a rampage, so then it just makes the situation worse, and I'm like oh shit! because then they're both mad, though he tends to just direct his anger towards the person he's mad at because he'll be pissed at my mom and they'll be fighting but he'll let me know that he's not mad at me in some way. even if he doesn't say it he'll show it tends to be very upfront with people and even if you don't ask he'll let you know.
 

kelric

Feline Member
Joined
Sep 8, 2007
Messages
2,169
MBTI Type
INtP
i don't think I'd like being able to stay mad because the rare occasions i do it really effects me negativly I tend to not sleep and i have no appetite. I mean I can't see why anyone would want that. Also I tend to be very avoidant if I think someone's mad about something, I think this is because my mom's an NFJ and when she's mad its best to let her cool off. and in the past she'll be mad at someone and I'll be like I need this signed for tommorow and then she'll go off on me, and I'm like :shock:
I'm pretty much with Purple on this... I mean, I will get frustrated... VERY frustrated, at work, but "mad"? It just doesn't happen very often, and when it does, it doesn't tend to stick - I'm pretty easy to pull out of that state. But I am very negatively affected if either me or anyone around me is actually "mad" - no sleep, no appetite is about the best of it.

For clarification, though, how often do y'all get mad enough to have major blowouts with your friends/family? I'm not saying I never get mad or hurt, but I don't think I've had a major fight with anyone since I was a teenager. I guess I tend to avoid relationships where that's a possibility, I don't know. Seems like most of the time fires can be put out before they reach inferno proportions, no? I think it just makes me uncomfortable when someone has a big blowup out of nowhere and I don't see it coming and don't know that I did anything to provoke it.
Very much the same for me (no surprise there :D).
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
that is exactly how it feels. darkening. my mind feels the static that wants to discharge and i can sense in advance that awful comedown feeling afterward (like a phone call put on hold) when i am alone and back in my own body.

i have no control over it and it's so frustrating when you just want to forget about it but the clouds and their consequences won't go away until you are free and the toxic feeling rains itself out.

Thank goodness. That's me all over.

that was actually more to the people who were saying they wished they could stay angry.

Yeah seriously, who would *want* to stay angry?

yes, my brother seems to fight back when my mom goes on a rampage, so then it just makes the situation worse, and I'm like oh shit! because then they're both mad, though he tends to just direct his anger towards the person he's mad at because he'll be pissed at my mom and they'll be fighting but he'll let me know that he's not mad at me in some way. even if he doesn't say it he'll show it tends to be very upfront with people and even if you don't ask he'll let you know.

Sounds like he has a good grip on his anger. What type did you say he was, by the way?
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
ESTP with fairly developed F. But I'm not sure, he's not been really in my life since sophmore year of high school, except like twice a year. But he reminds me a lot of Lukepd (who is ESTP) on here. except my brother doesn't have an australian accent.
 

Kyrielle

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
1,294
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
For clarification, though, how often do y'all get mad enough to have major blowouts with your friends/family? I'm not saying I never get mad or hurt, but I don't think I've had a major fight with anyone since I was a teenager. I guess I tend to avoid relationships where that's a possibility, I don't know. Seems like most of the time fires can be put out before they reach inferno proportions, no? I think it just makes me uncomfortable when someone has a big blowup out of nowhere and I don't see it coming and don't know that I did anything to provoke it.

Once every two years maybe. It largely depends on the situation. And a lot of the "blowouts" happen in my head, in which I don't actually fight with my family directly. Instead I play it out in my head so I can go ahead and argue with them without having to scream and shout and rip up my vocal cords and then contend with the relational consequences. I should probably confront them more, though.

I think the last row I had was with my mother last summer, when she just wouldn't let me alone about not having a job eventhough I had really tried to get one. It seems like when I'm living at home, it's much more likely to happen.

I have yet to feel anywhere near angry with the friends I live with now.
 

pure_sterling

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFP
We NEED it to recover our composure. Period.

I too get tired of being accused of "grudge-holding" or "sulking" or "insert insult from someone who doesn't need time to process strong reactions." It's for EVERYONE'S benefit that we walk away because we know ourselves best and know that we need to
.

I don't realy understand why this is. I've had a couple of disagreements with friends that have gone down like this. They seem to think that the absoute healthiest way to deal with any situation is to talk about it immediatly. I seem to keep having to explian to them that I need time to sort out my thoughts for myself so I can effectivly communicate with them. Raw unfiltered emotions can be realy dangerous things, this process is realy to protect the both of us. I definatly think that when someone asks for time between an incident and trying to resolve the conflict it should be respected.
 

Dwigie

New member
Joined
Aug 25, 2008
Messages
658
MBTI Type
INFP
After a nasty argument with someone I really care about, I have to walk it off. I have to remove myself. I get accused of sulking, bearing a grudge or being a martyr which only makes me feel more marginalized. Like "calm down". Or "you're being dramatic".

I *must* be understood. And if I feel that I'm speaking to someone who doesn't care to hear me clearly, I get even more frustrated and off-balance. Being a primary F causes me to think that my feelings are less valid than other peoples', especially in a fight. Like I'm not being taken seriously.

My ENFP twin seems to be able to get out of an angry mood after a fight a LOT faster than me. I feel like I have to remove myself and let my feelings balance back out, and process what happened. That's when I'm usually told I'm sulking. I'm sort of just sitting there processing, not plotting ways to get the person back or nursing a bad attitude. I'd rather get it over with as soon as possible, but I seem to require X amount of time to settle down.

Is this an Fi vs. Fe difference? Do other NFJs need time to clear their heads, and if they don't get that time, feel resentful?

The intensity of my feelings can be almost choking sometimes.

Yes! It's so annoying sometimes. It's like you're carrying a bag of little rocks 24/7. The thoughts are just obtrusive. I could be at a party and something just rings a negative bell. I try to avoid these situations altogether because I've got a wild imagination and "connection-making" system.
Great for English reports, not so great for real life problems.
I wish I could be like my sister: easy come easy go!
(she's also an ENFP). I'm a big sulker-grudge holder-etc...
Same here I don't talk until seven hours at least after I'm in a real argument or I just "choke" in emotion. one day she got me so mad I literally "choked" in anger and she got so scared she ran away. I barely had time to say anything :laugh: Hilarious, but very ugly to see.
Do not get XFJ mad.
 

Biaxident

Charting a course
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
3,617
MBTI Type
INFP
I can't think about certain people, even years afterward. Because I get just as angry as I was the day they f**ked me over.

And I want to totally destroy them physically and emotionally, all over again. And then I walk around in a crappy mood the rest of the day.
 

Lady_X

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
18,235
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
784
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i don't think I'd like being able to stay mad because the rare occasions i do it really effects me negativly I tend to not sleep and i have no appetite. I mean I can't see why anyone would want that. Also I tend to be very avoidant if I think someone's mad about something, I think this is because my mom's an NFJ and when she's mad its best to let her cool off. and in the past she'll be mad at someone and I'll be like I need this signed for tommorow and then she'll go off on me, and I'm like :shock:

oh...i only wish i could stay mad if the situation warrants it. actually i often know...i should still be mad about something...but i just don't care anymore...i remember times where i would leave the room because i was mad and totally forget why i was even in mad in the first place...that's not cool...it let's people get away with stuff....i think i have the mind set of...is it bad enough to never talk to you again? nope? okay...well forget it then because this being mad business is wearnin me down....and...i don't believe in scoldng so much...i just evaluate something as acceptable or not...and make a decision...how weird! i'm weird! that's weird!
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
no i relate to what you said. but the way I see it is if I'm not mad, then it probably wasn't that big of a deal and life goes on and on and on and on until the next thing something happens.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Now that I think about it, ENFJ are about the only people I have got mad at, and I only get mad at them for getting mad at me. All the way up until about 20, I can only remember maybe 2 or 3 times actually getting really mad.
 

pure_sterling

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2008
Messages
27
MBTI Type
INFP
oh...i only wish i could stay mad if the situation warrants it. actually i often know...i should still be mad about something...but i just don't care anymore...i remember times where i would leave the room because i was mad and totally forget why i was even in mad in the first place...that's not cool...it let's people get away with stuff....i think i have the mind set of...is it bad enough to never talk to you again? nope? okay...well forget it then because this being mad business is wearnin me down....and...i don't believe in scoldng so much...i just evaluate something as acceptable or not...and make a decision...how weird! i'm weird! that's weird!

I have the tendency to do the same thing but I've found that sometimes letting people get away with all the small stuff that doesn't realy bother me so much can lead to people thinking that the ill-never-talk-to-you-again stuff is alright. I still havn't fingured out how to balance that.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
After a nasty argument with someone I really care about, I have to walk it off. I have to remove myself. I get accused of sulking, bearing a grudge or being a martyr which only makes me feel more marginalized. Like "calm down". Or "you're being dramatic"...
That is difficult when that happens because you can get cornered so that there is nothing you can say that is right. When people say those things, I suspect they are describing what they would be thinking/feeling in the same setting. That is actually a strangely consistent principle.

It can be a little more difficult for people who prefer closure to deal with these communication mishaps because in a way they aren't ever fully resolved. For me things are better with my loved one, but there is a little part of me that is concerned it could happen again. I don't want to hold on to a piece of it like that because i prefer to have the courage to actually forget and dive in fearlessly again with full peace. For myself or others, there is a point to just let go and realize people are complex and unpredictable and whatever is going to happen is on its way. Although I have to remind myself of that *alot*.
 
Last edited:

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
MBTI Type
GONE
Wow...I wonder how much of how I experience and process anger is more like an XNFJ than an ENFP? The responses so far have been eye opening.
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
it takes me a while. i need to get away from the person (object!) more so to free myself from their feelings than mine. they seep into me and i can't stop them. i feel how they feel so strongly and i know their view cannot encompass my own original feelings, and i get so frustrated it's like bottle up and explode. i just get tense and they start reflecting off of me and shooting out everywhere like stray bullets.

Have I seen a better immediate description of Fe?

i need to get away so i can know how i truly feel (in my silence), slowly and deliberately and without noise and corruption imagine them and how they truly feel, let it sift thru Ni, then i have a much much better chance to know what to do. as an infj Ti also helps unpack overlook details and analogies that help shed light. but if i'm really upset there's virtually no chance i'll be able to sleep that night without intoxicants.

...or Ni?


State, that was fabulous.





Ooo, now I want to back away... I'm hardly the expert, so I can't be the one to call "fabulous", but the descriptions rang out true like a bell... from this INTJ perspective.
 
Top