[ENFP] ENFPs having to do it all?

[step0nmi]

Lately I have been thinking about the fact that I feel like I have to "do it all" or be "everything" in my life. I'm not satisfied if I'm not being creative or working with my hands. I want to be a working woman and also take care of the house. I guess a lot of it has to do with looking so far into the future. I'm a college student and don't have a lot of time for myself or how to figure out the things that I "want" to do. I know this is the ENFP in me, but...

Is this you?
If this is, how do you deal with it?

 

[Nonsensical]

My dad's an ENFP and everything you stated in your post relates back to him 100%.

I guess it's the problem with us NFPs, because I kind of relate too. It's hard to think of yourself when so many other things need tending to. I think the way I would do it is to incorperate my bliss and creativity into my day to day business. Don't look at things the same, take a different stand point on naverage things, do things differently than normal people, be creative, weird, just unleash your feelings into your physical environment. I haven't really gotten to the point in my life where I've taken a step back and been in the same situation as you, so this is all I can really say. Just be creative and unique in your day to day life..it will result in less boredom, and more happiness.

That's all I can really say. Good luck, my friend! It's always going to be a struggle between self and others, I understand completely, because I feel the same way as you.

 

[BlackCat]

My ENFP mom does this, and she has such high expectations for what she needs to do. She then realizes she can't complete everything and begs for my help. When I refuse she tells me I don't love her.

If you could give me a way to let her "deal with it" then that would be great.

 

[step0nmi]

actually...not being creative right now is probably why I'm feeling this way I use to do so many things and maybe it's because of my recent moving? i dunno

I just never know how to fight it! maybe just trying to do something creative everyday IS the answer...whether i need to or not.

I'm glad others feel the same ;D I was starting to think I was alone

 

[Lady_X]

to the point of paralysis at times...not knowing what to do first or which direction to take...too many ideas swirling about it's hard to focus. it's maddening.

 

[step0nmi]

My ENFP mom does this, and she has such high expectations for what she needs to do. She then realizes she can't complete everything and begs for my help. When I refuse she tells me I don't love her.

If you could give me a way to let her "deal with it" then that would be great.

ugh...I can soo relate to that! I guess it really is the ENFP for those "high expectations". and it only comes from within ya know. It's weird like that.

How come you don't help her? which part are you trying to help her with...the actual "doing" or the "freaking out"? cuz I know when I get overwhelmed i tend to freak out...and I don't want help with that. try not to refuse once and just start doing see what happens to her then

 

[Nonsensical]

actually...not being creative right now is probably why I'm feeling this way I use to do so many things and maybe it's because of my recent moving? i dunno

I just never know how to fight it! maybe just trying to do something creative everyday IS the answer...whether i need to or not.

I'm glad others feel the same ;D I was starting to think I was alone

Never alone! when the rivers run dry, when the clouds don't shine in bright colors, us NFPs get depressed..lack of creativity, difference, uniqueness takes away from our character..

 

[step0nmi]

to the point of paralysis at times...not knowing what to do first or which direction to take...too many ideas swirling about it's hard to focus. it's maddening.

UGH! yes! that is the feeling!

why is it so hard to try and do one thing at a time in our brains?
its these kinds of feelings that I can't decide on where to go either...and I know that's the P in me, ugh

 

[step0nmi]

Never alone! when the rivers run dry, when the clouds don't shine in bright colors, us NFPs get depressed..lack of creativity, difference, uniqueness takes away from our character..

it's like you read my mind!

it's kind of like I wish someone would just hand me something creative to do without me asking. I feel like I have to work sooo hard to find what to use my creativeness for. normally I'm decorating cakes...but, that's not happening lately. and I've been eating WAY to many desserts lately...will NOT be baking cake

 

[BlackCat]

How come you don't help her?

It's none of my business. I don't ask for help with much, but when I do I will ask a friend and if they can't then that's fine. I won't freak out and hate them for it. It's the same kind of favor, asking a friend to help you and if they can't then that's fine. That's how I see my mom asking me to do something is.

Here is a situation. It's actually happened.

Mom: "Chris can you help me move this stuff? It's just a few boxes." This means it's actually about 20 boxes.
Me: "No I can't, I'm doing homework and after that I need to continue writing." I like to write stories in my spare time.
Mom: "Why don't you want to help me?"
Me: "Nothing in those boxes is mine, and none of them are heavy, and I'm busy."

Then she gets mad at me.

I tried actually helping her for the chance she might shut up, then she listed everything she needed to be done in a commanding tone and expected me to sit there all day (it would have taken 5 hours to do everything) and do these things for her. Her idea of me "helping" is me doing everything with her talking on the phone.

She says I should do these things because I'm her son. No other reasoning behind this. Nothing she wants done has to do with me whatsoever. Just because I'm your kid doesn't make me your peon.

It's ironic. When I'm with my dad (parents are divorced for this exact reason, dad got tired of her, he's an INTP) and I see that he is working on something, he never asks for help. If I see him working hard at something then I will offer to help out of pure courtesy, because I love and respect my dad and my dad does the same back to me. I don't feel any respect from my mom at all. He will never ask for much regardless when I offer, it's always "Can you hand me that tool?" or something along those lines.

My advice to you would be to pace yourself. You can't cram in everything all at once that you want to do. Make a list and do the things you want to do in order. If you try to do everything way too fast then you will just get stressed out and nothing will get done due to that.

 

[Tiny Army]

I am currently doing fuck all with my life but this is because I spent all of last year doing way too much until my health deteriorated so much that I had to take a semester off.

I'm now trying to plan my path of study for the next three years and am failing to do so because there is too much I want to do and there is no way to incorporate it all into what I am studying.

 

[step0nmi]

It's none of my business. I don't ask for help with much, but when I do I will ask a friend and if they can't then that's fine. I won't freak out and hate them for it. It's the same kind of favor, asking a friend to help you and if they can't then that's fine. That's how I see my mom asking me to do something is.

Here is a situation. It's actually happened.

Mom: "Chris can you help me move this stuff? It's just a few boxes." This means it's actually about 20 boxes.
Me: "No I can't, I'm doing homework and after that I need to continue writing." I like to write stories in my spare time.
Mom: "Why don't you want to help me?"
Me: "Nothing in those boxes is mine, and none of them are heavy, and I'm busy."

Then she gets mad at me.

I tried actually helping her for the chance she might shut up, then she listed everything she needed to be done in a commanding tone and expected me to sit there all day (it would have taken 5 hours to do everything) and do these things for her. Her idea of me "helping" is me doing everything with her talking on the phone.

She says I should do these things because I'm her son. No other reasoning behind this. Nothing she wants done has to do with me whatsoever. Just because I'm your kid doesn't make me your peon.

It's ironic. When I'm with my dad (parents are divorced for this exact reason, dad got tired of her, he's an INTP) and I see that he is working on something, he never asks for help. If I see him working hard at something then I will offer to help out of pure courtesy, because I love and respect my dad and my dad does the same back to me. I don't feel any respect from my mom at all. He will never ask for much regardless when I offer, it's always "Can you hand me that tool?" or something along those lines.

My advice to you would be to pace yourself. You can't cram in everything all at once that you want to do. Make a list and do the things you want to do in order. If you try to do everything way too fast then you will just get stressed out and nothing will get done due to that.

hmmm...I'm confused by your postings here. I am understanding that you are young and still live at home...which is rough. I've been there too with the whole divorced parents.

1st- your Dad is a T and probably doesn't want any help because he IS a T. I have a friend who's a T and she would prefer it if her friend did not ask for help because SHE never asks for help

2nd-I totally understand what is going on with you and your mom here. She feels you are her son and should "want and be willing" to help. (as an ENFP I am always wanting some help and feel not loved if I am not helped) but, you are not. IF you are willing to help then you need to say to her "I can only help you with these boxes(whatever) then I have to get back to homework(whatever)" you have to be very specific and nicely firm with ENFPs. There are sometimes where my husband says "not right now". I don't understand that concept, it's too vague and MY world is flexible! What is "right now" and what is going on that you can't talk/help me?

and the fact that you said: I don't feel any respect from my mom at all.

what is going on there? I mean, I understand that going through divorce is difficult, but you need to communicate with her. If you are an Introvert like your profile says then I know you can tend to be up in your own thoughts sometimes...really communicate to her that this is the way your are feeling. ENFPs of ALL PEOPLE don't want to hurt anyone...they put themselves through so much already that it just breaks them down to have to see another thing happen.

you are right about writing things down and pacing myself. I haven't done that in a while.

 

[step0nmi]

I am currently doing fuck all with my life but this is because I spent all of last year doing way too much until my health deteriorated so much that I had to take a semester off.

I'm now trying to plan my path of study for the next three years and am failing to do so because there is too much I want to do and there is no way to incorporate it all into what I am studying.

I am sorry to hear that you had some health situations. Its just like us ENFPs to take care of ourselves last...i really hate that about myself.

now for the studying. schools make it VERY hard to go through too many things at once. I hope you are working with an adviser to guide you through your decisions. I don't know what I'd do without mine!

 

[Tiny Army]

I've vaguely figured out what to do. I'm going to keep my options open.

This is for you, though. Honey, you have all the time in the world! You only live once! You should try to live without any regrets. I find creating a list of things you want to do and then deciding which ones would be better to pursue now and which ones later. My mother's in her 40s and still pursuing new possibilities. It is okay to cut down on what you're doing now and adding more things here and there as you go along.

 

[BlackCat]

There is plenty of communication between my mom and I. There's nothing wrong in that department. I tell her how I feel and she embraces it temporarily and then goes back to the way it was.

Just curious. Why do you expect your husband to help with your affairs? I guess this is different from an introvert-introvert relationship, we always did our own thing and never asked the other for any help. It just seems kind of silly to take so much on for yourself and then ask someone else to help you with it because you can't get it done.

EDIT: I ask this because my mom seems to expect as much out of me as she would a husband when it comes to anything that includes working, and I want to get to the root of the feeling.

The divorce happened when I was 2. I'm 18 now. I don't remember any of it, they are pretty much over the divorce. Another part of the divorce was that my mom was involved in a cult based around making you feel better through metaphysics, but in the end it was a money leech and didn't help at all. It just created more problems.

 

[step0nmi]

I don't expect my husband to help in my affairs. He just does, we help each other out like that. when I take on too much I take on too much and then I have to stop myself and reprioritize. I was trying to point out the type of communication that goes on between us. Like, he doesn't give specifics but I would like them. anyway...

I don't know what to else to say to you BlackCat...it seems that you have it all figured out. but, that issue with not respecting your mom is still bothering me. I know you don't have to love your parents for who they are or what not...but you do have to respect them because they gave birth to you and put a roof over your head and everything else they've ever been for in life. If that is not the case..then this does not apply to you.

Thanks Tiny Army! I plan on doing any and everything in my life...but NOT over extending myself anymore. I'm thinking i need to do MORE right now LOL. you know...the whole "bored with yourself so you need to find something to do" trait LOL

 

[Tiny Army]

Oh, I disagree. Loving your parents is unconditional. Respect has to be earned. I don't respect my father's choices at all but I still love him. Giving birth to and putting a roof over the head of someone is not what makes a parent worthy of respect. It is the parents' devotion to their child's unique needs (something I think you should be prepared to do if you're going to have kids) that makes a parent worthy of their child's respect. I feel like I would respect my father more if I felt like he tried to understand me as an individual. The needs of your child should always be more important than what you need from them.

 

[Costrin]

but you do have to respect them because they gave birth to you and put a roof over your head and everything else they've ever been for in life. If that is not the case..then this does not apply to you.

Maybe I only think this because I'm also a teenager myself, but I disagree entirely. For anyone, they have to earn my respect, they don't automatically start out with it. This applies even to parents. Being born isn't a choice on the child's part. He didn't choose to be born, to have these parents. And taking care of a kid is the societal norm. That's what expected of you, what your supposed to do, so you should only get respect from your child if you prove that your worth it. Generally, most parents do though, but if the parent just does the minimum, or worse, then no, they aren't worthy of the child's respect.

In BlackCat's case, it seems (though we're only hearing one side) that his mom does not have the qualities of a good parent, and thus isn't worthy of respect in that regard.

 

[BlackCat]

Oh, well that's cool your husband does that for you then. I was just plainly curious, to see another point of view on it.

I think it's required as a parent to provide for your child. If I weren't provided for I would get the authorities. As tiny said I think respect is to be earned. It makes me pretty mad when I hear people say things like that, that since they do what their duty as a parent is for me then I should do everything for them. It's usually a last resort for when they are losing an argument against me. It's very annoying. "Shut up because blah blah blah and I win automatically because blah blah blah." Children are brought into this world to teach their parents as well as the parents teach the kids. I just don't get why it can't be like a room mate relationship, you do your own thing.

EDIT: Thank you Costrin, another teen's POV.

 

[Tiny Army]

Well, I think a parent-child relationship is unique and important. But I do believe that extroverted parents owe it to their introverted children to leave them alone. My twin brother is an introvert and I learned to leave him alone. He needs alone time! I just wish my mother would do the same.