[ENFP] How do you stay angry as an ENFP?

[Laurie]

I get mad at people and within (usually) hours I forget about it.

Sometimes it seems I let people stay in my life because of this "problem" I have. So how do you remember who to keep at an arm's distance as an ENFP?

I wouldn't mind hearing how other less forgiving people/types deal with similar situations.

 

[Clownmaster]

It depends how badly you were wronged. If its a situation that really matters to me, I don't forget, and I know how to treat them. Otherwise, its mostly water under the bridge.

 

[alexx]

Generally I forgive WAY too fast.

However, there are certain offenses that will stay in the back of my head and I will never be able to forget of completely get over them. It spoils a relationship, like finding out your boyfriend of 3-4 months lied (big) to you. You forgive but damn - always there.

 

[Laurie]

Yeah thats definitely my problem too. How can I forgive constantly for everything but then "hate" someone for years over something I consider big.

 

[alexx]

O yeah. I'm thinking about it now. You are right. I mean - I would help them, if it was life or death - but other than that - F off.

 

[Amargith]

Betray me or lie to me. Then I won't forget. And you'll wish you'd never been so stupid.

 

[hjomn]

Either I forget within half an hour...

Or...

I NEVER forget (it's like a few pixels of someone's personality are forever tainted; it might be a most wonderful picture and you might even like it, but when you look closely, you'll remember exactly why those pixels are tainted and it will subconsciously bother you, however little.)

This only happens when somebody has really stepped on my personal values (and probably consists of 0.001% of the cases)

 

[CzeCze]

I get mad at people and within (usually) hours I forget about it.

Sometimes it seems I let people stay in my life because of this "problem" I have. So how do you remember who to keep at an arm's distance as an ENFP?

I wouldn't mind hearing how other less forgiving people/types deal with similar situations.

Right here! I'm an unforgiving and unapolgetically selfish ENFP. I also have had a life long struggle with anger - all consuming, on multiple levels.
I've worked through a lot of the core issues and I'm much more integrated now.

Do I get angry at people now? Sure, but I also keep good boundaries. And I have learned to value myself and my own happiness. I don't have time for energy suckers, losers, and just people who don't interest me in general. Been there, done that, moving on. I've become practical when it comes to my emotions and relationships (most of them anyway! LOL)

I don't value myself for how nice or forgiving I am, I value myself on how happy I can be on my own terms and my focus is on me and having an adventure in life. I don't hold grudges and I don't have to get 'angry' at someone to realize it's not someone I want in my life. I have no qualms about avoiding people and keeping them out of my life. You don't have to be 'angry' to cut out negative people from your life, you just have to be smart.

As an ENFP if you rely purely on your 'feelings' and 'mood' to dictate your relations and who you have in your life - you will stay on a roller coaster with toxic people and bad matches and drag on bad relationships for years.

PS My problem isn't forgiving too easily. My problem is anger. Period.

 

[Moiety]

The worse you treat me, the better for my conscience.

I go at it the other way around. Instead of fighting my natural inclination to quickly forgive other people (all depends on what it is of course) I fight the circumstances that would put me in such a position. Basically, I often make first impressions of me a bit "sweet and sour" for other people so they don't get too friendly. Most people worth hating will get the hint. Of course this only really applies to forced interaction.

The others, well...well, I hate unfinished business so I don't stay angry. I confront them until they break, either way.

 

[FantailedWall]

Shoo, impostor!

 

[kyuuei]

It's almost like I have a glass for every person I meet. Everytime I'm wronged, the little water droplets trickle in.. and for 80% of the time, it's not enough to make the glass even half-way full, so I tend to just dismiss it all.

If something big happens--like if someone were to steal from me for example. I would forgive them, mayhap, but never again would you be trusted in my house, around my stuff, etc. I cut them off of the aspects in question.

If something bigger than that upsets me, I generally find myself unable to forgive them--that is, accept their apology and get over it. I never get over it. It's not that I hold a grudge.. because I know that I allowed so much to slide prior to the straw, that when the camel falls I have no problems letting it stay fallen.

Every so often I run into a situation where the person in question would, if cut off from my life, hurt my relationship with other people. Such is the case with my sister's mother in law, who I refuse to talk to or treat with an ounce of dignity. I know that this puts a damper on my relationship with my brother-in-law, but.. I simply weigh the consequences, and if someone is worth being "at peace" with for the sake of other people, I may uphold that and be a bigger person. Otherwise, no amount of crying, begging, or anything will change my mind.

.. Suffice to say, it's not very often I have had people cut completely out of my life.

 

[Tiny Army]

Hi everyone, I'm Tiny and I am an ENFP doormat.

Yes, it's true. I am one of those too forgiving ENFPs. My roomate has emotionally abused me for years now and she still lives upstairs and is still being a manipulative bitch and I STILL forgive her.

 

[mlittrell]

i put mental red flags on some people, though i generally dont let many people close to me so i have very few red flags

 

[Lady_X]

it's just like i'm constantly adjusting my perception of people...almost always accepting but adapt to new information..like to use kyuuei's example say someone steals something...i'll confront them...resolve it understand it and then redefine them as a person with x problem that can't be trusted with x...and so we'll never be close on any deep level but...i can accept them for who they are and relate to them in this new way...just more guarded i guess.

 

[Xellotath]

Hi everyone, I'm Tiny and I am an ENFP doormat.

Yes, it's true. I am one of those too forgiving ENFPs. My roomate has emotionally abused me for years now and she still lives upstairs and is still being a manipulative bitch and I STILL forgive her.

Hahaha.
I'm so starting an "ENFP Doormats Anonymous".

Hi! I'm Xel.. and I let everyone walk over me in real life. And I cope with it by being a terrible person online.

And I wish I was like CzeCze. I can never bring myself to label someone as "negative" and effectively cut them out of my life.

It's too hard! I get thousands of "What if you're wrong and you failed to understand him? What if it could have worked out?"

....I wish I was smarter.

 

[Moiety]

Shoo, impostor!

Was that directed at me?

 

[kyuuei]

Hahaha.
I'm so starting an "ENFP Doormats Anonymous".

Hi! I'm Xel.. and I let everyone walk over me in real life. And I cope with it by being a terrible person online.

And I wish I was like CzeCze. I can never bring myself to label someone as "negative" and effectively cut them out of my life.

It's too hard! I get thousands of "What if you're wrong and you failed to understand him? What if it could have worked out?"

....I wish I was smarter.

I think it has little to do with intelligence.

This are easier when you're forgiving. Unfortunately, many people mistake this kindness as weakness.

The thing WE have to learn how to do is to build up our backbone enough to say that to them. Generally, I find if I outright say that quote.. or something along the lines of "If you think you can treat me this way because I'll forgive you.. know that I am boundless when it comes to my friends.. but nothing is without consequence."

.. And it truly isn't. I will forgive you for stealing from me. You'll never borrow something of mine again. and I don't have a problem dropping this bomb:

"Can I borrow you playstation for the weekend?" "I'm sorry, it won't be available then.." "C'mon!" ".. Do I really need to remind you why it won't be available?"

Sometimes people think that because they did something bad and it's over with, that life moves on like nothing happened. Everything has a consequence. Borrow money from me and don't bother to pay it back? You'll miss out every single time following that incident. Pretty soon.. people that walk all over me find that I'm never around for them to walk on anymore. And they miss out on me, my friendship, because there's little to no reason for me to socialize with them anymore.

..And suddenly, the kindness they were taking advantage of is their weakness.. and when they approach me trying to be brash about why I'm never there for them anymore.. I have an entire tiny army of incidents as to why I shouldn't be around them anymore.

It's only a simple "Would YOU be around someone if they did all that to YOU?" at the end will bring the friendship to a screeching halt, and I never feel guilty or regretful for any of it.. because by that time they've abused my trust so entirely, there's no room for doubt left.

 

[MattC333]

Most people don't find out I'm angry at them til they realise I've completely stopped talking to them.

This is a terrible problem of mine. I rarely lose my temper and anyone who has been on the end of it, gets the worst character assassination ever. Because I can pick up on their insecurities, I will maim them.

So I don't let myself lose my temper. I know that if I get into a confrontation, I'll resort to that as my weapon, so they just ignored. Plus, if I don't see them, I don't end up getting angry, so I never have to experience it.

That's only if what they did made me angry though. They'd have to totally violate my values to get me to that state.

I agree with you Cze, why waste energy on anger, just let those people go.

I get over 'losing' someone pretty quick, because life goes on and you meet new people.

 

[Nillerz]

How do I stay angry? I don't...

 

[kiddykat]

I don't either..

I look at the situational factors, then let go of whatever's bothering me after I confront the person about the problem. I ask myself in 20 years, will whatever's bothering me still matter? Life's short.

I forgive to let go, to move on..