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[INFP] INFPs how comforting are you (and bonus question)?

r0wo1

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Ok so I've been pondering over the description of the INFP personality (as I seem to so often do) and I picked a couple of points that Im wondering about.

First off, When it comes to comforting other people do you find yourself capable of just jumping out of your shell and helping the first person who needs emotional help in reach? In my case, I'm perfectly willing, and happy to help somebody in need, but its typically restricted to family and close friends, I have a harder time finding the emotional connection with those I hardly know. But those that I do, I'd like to think of myself as a strong emotional support.

And my second question, I'm quite a loyal person, this is something I've learned about myself more in the past couple years or so and when I consider somebody a close friend I don't want to let go of them. But I often times don't see this reflected from people that I start to become attached to. I'm thinking it is because Im wanting people to commit on the level that I, but maybe its more difficult for others? I'm wondering if any of you have also experienced this.

This is not a feel sorry thread! (I hope it doesnt read like it) what do you guys think?
 

BlackCat

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Yep I can agree on all of your points. Take the INFP description with a grain of salt if you ask me.
 

briochick

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I honestly have no idea whether or not I'm comforting. I tend to be uncomfortable with other people's intense emotions because mine are already incredibly intense. If I care I try and *do* things for them if/when I can't find the right words. I have a hard time being quiet (I know, I'm a rotten INFP :p ), that may have to do with it. If you were to ask me I'd say I'm not very good at comforting people.

Loyal? Very. Fiercely so. But I tend to be loyal to a body, not a relationship. I might not speak to my sister but I'm still gonna want to rip out the throat of the guy that hurts her. Does that make sense?
 

Udog

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Not really sure, but since so many people come to me to vent and share their problems I suspect I gotta be at least a little.

Edit: For your second point, yes I've experienced that, too. My only suggestion is that if you are becoming very attached to someone who isn't reciprocating, ring the alarms and take a breather to reevaluate. When I reflect on times I've done that, the attachment had more to do with my filling a personal need, which sadly didn't reflect on the reality of the situation.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
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Sep 25, 2008
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Ok so I've been pondering over the description of the INFP personality (as I seem to so often do) and I picked a couple of points that Im wondering about.

First off, When it comes to comforting other people do you find yourself capable of just jumping out of your shell and helping the first person who needs emotional help in reach? In my case, I'm perfectly willing, and happy to help somebody in need, but its typically restricted to family and close friends, I have a harder time finding the emotional connection with those I hardly know. But those that I do, I'd like to think of myself as a strong emotional support.

I'm the same as you, only with my close circle of family and friends do I feel at ease enough to offer comfort. With people I don't know well, or strangers on the street who are in distress I feel really ill at ease. I would still do it because I hate to see someone in pain, I would just feel really awkward whilst comforting them.

And my second question, I'm quite a loyal person, this is something I've learned about myself more in the past couple years or so and when I consider somebody a close friend I don't want to let go of them. But I often times don't see this reflected from people that I start to become attached to. I'm thinking it is because Im wanting people to commit on the level that I, but maybe its more difficult for others? I'm wondering if any of you have also experienced this.

Same here, it pains me to see an unequal loyalty display from the people I have committed myself to, and sadly I often see it. It is of course more to do with them not being made the same way I am, and they place a different value on friendship than what I do, so I try not to take it personally.

However I often find myself wondering if I should be understanding of how they do things, or if they should be understanding of how I do things? do I accept the lesser committment they are offering just because I better understand why they are different, or am I selling myself short and settling for something unsatisfying?
 

scantilyclad

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I'm not very good at comforting. I never know what to say, ever.
 

Chris_in_Orbit

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However I often find myself wondering if I should be understanding of how they do things, or if they should be understanding of how I do things? do I accept the lesser committment they are offering just because I better understand why they are different, or am I selling myself short and settling for something unsatisfying?

Don't sell yourself short. You both should be understanding of each other. If you think the playing field is uneven you should tell the other person.
 
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I get compliments above, around and behind me very often for my diplomacy and no bullshit but kind nature. I wish I could comfort myself as often and as easily as I can others.
 

BlackCat

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I get compliments above, around and behind me very often for my diplomacy and no bullshit but kind nature. I wish I could comfort myself as often and as easily as I can others.

SOOO true. Wow... basically took the words out of my mouth right there.
 

CrystalViolet

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I'm broken, no-one comes to me for comfort. Oh wait sorry, that's dirty lie. I don't like comforting people, I do it badly, but people still like me to try.
Do you guys have strangers come up to you and tell you their life story?
 

Orangey

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I'm broken, no-one comes to me for comfort. Oh wait sorry, that's dirty lie. I don't like comforting people, I do it badly, but people still like me to try.
Do you guys have strangers come up to you and tell you their life story?

Hmmm...that's interesting. Why do you think that you're bad at comforting? Is it just because you feel awkward when you're doing it?

I think I've seen this before. Some INFPs that I've known (only a couple) are outwardly very good at comforting...they just have this effortless tenderness that soothes people, even if they don't intend to be doing it for that reason. Any other type (especially Ts) both feel awkward AND behave awkwardly while attempting to comfort. This leads people to never come to them (read: me) for comfort again, or at least not very often.
 

heart

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Do you guys have strangers come up to you and tell you their life story?

Yes, everyone tells me everything and there's a place in my brain that stores it all long term. I can remember the things I want and NEED to remember but I remember about someone I once worked with's cousin who grew up in a barn with five other kids etc.
 

CrystalViolet

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Hmmm...that's interesting. Why do you think that you're bad at comforting? Is it just because you feel awkward when you're doing it?

I think I've seen this before. Some INFPs that I've known (only a couple) are outwardly very good at comforting...they just have this effortless tenderness that soothes people, even if they don't intend to be doing it for that reason. Any other type (especially Ts) both feel awkward AND behave awkwardly while attempting to comfort. This leads people to never come to them (read: me) for comfort again, or at least not very often.

Orangey, I think that the above describes the process very well. I also tend not to like doing it because it sort of casts me in a mother-type role. Some thing I rather painfully aware of, having no kids.
 

Anja

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There truly is no "comfort" for deep emotional pain. It needs to be recognized and expressed for a person to grow/heal. I've become able to separate my emotions from those of others and so I can sit with people in pain without my own personal discomfort.

I really believe that that is a gift. To bear witness to someone else's pain. And that's what I do. My gift to them.

I now volunteer at a care center for the ailing, elderly and dying and have sat with many of those for whom sorrow has no end. They seem to appreciate it.

But, in the day, when I was raising my own children, I had no idea where their feelings ended and mine begain. When they'd come to me for comfort I always felt that my efforts were so meager, feeble. And their pain was my pain. It never felt like I had done enough.

Enough is being there and paying attention.

______________________________

Yes, I don't know what it is, but people seem to sense something about me and zero right in. Everywhere. In the mall. In restaurants. Nearly anywhere. They open up and start telling me the most amazing things. And I listen.

Oddest thing. Guess it's what I'm supposed to be doing.
 

r0wo1

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Loyal? Very. Fiercely so. But I tend to be loyal to a body, not a relationship. I might not speak to my sister but I'm still gonna want to rip out the throat of the guy that hurts her. Does that make sense?

Perfectly, I think I attach myself in both ways, although Im sure that is different for everybody. Sometimes I will misjudge a situation and attempt to tear out somebody's throat for an unkind word to one of my "people" (or so I will call them ;P) even when their intent was not malicious. (Call it a poor J function I suppose :p)

However I often find myself wondering if I should be understanding of how they do things, or if they should be understanding of how I do things? do I accept the lesser committment they are offering just because I better understand why they are different, or am I selling myself short and settling for something unsatisfying?

Yes! Thats my question exactly! Or I wonder if "sincere" words are truely sincere. Its a very american thing to throw big words/phrases like "I love you", "You're the best!" around when they don't really mean a thing (something I've noticed during my time in Germany). I often wonder if there is real depth behind such words or if it is all superficial. And then I wonder if they are truely committing at all. tsk tsk, that sucks.

Do you guys have strangers come up to you and tell you their life story?

I thought I was the only one! (What an idiotic assumption now that I think about it) I've always found it bizarre. And its not just strangers, I seem to leak a crazy person pheromone because they tend to approach me too (on the street even) and attempt to talk my ear off. (but that is not altogether common)

There truly is no "comfort" for deep emotional pain. It needs to be recognized and expressed for a person to grow/heal. I've become able to separate my emotions from those of others and so I can sit with people in pain without my own personal discomfort.

That wouldn't be a bad thing to work on. I feel the drive to comfort others outside my circle (not always but not seldom either) and if I could learn to forget myself, figuratively speaking, maybe I could be a better help to those that need me.

Thanks you guys your answers were great! Goodness I feel a bit whiney now though.
 
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