[NF] My error

[Athenian200]

You are still in the middle of growing up, it is not at all too late. You could learn it even if you were ten years older. It is only the practical implication, how to do it.

Yes, that's it. The only reason I thought it was too late was because I kind of thought I had lost all my opportunities to learn it, not the ability to learn it.

You know many people in the Internet. It would be a good idea to exploit the source you already have: Your Internet connections. A half thing done. If you have working realtionship with your parents, ask them if you can invite an Internet friend to come to stay in your house as your guest. Somebody you know well and who is more extraverted than you, and lives quite near by, and has the opportunity to come. Then you can make the Internet relationship a real life thing. He or she will extravert you. You do not need more than one person to extravert you. After that you can function in the society at large.

I've had fantasies of something like this several times. Except that the houseguest thing wouldn't work, because for one thing... we live in a messy apartment that barely has enough room for us, is in a bad neighborhood, my mother wouldn't go for that, I doubt any potential friends would go for it, and I kind of don't think that would help me much anyway. In the fantasies I've had, though... they invite me to their place or something in order to pull me out of my situation and rut, and help me get into functioning in society at large. If that happened... well, that would be wonderful.

Of course, I know that in real life, people don't put themselves out for people they've only known online. Even though I'm an INJ, I still know where the line between fantasy and reality is. Fantasy is a place with shared emotions, thoughts, and dreams... reality is materialistic, complicated, dangerous, lonely, and meaningless piles of dirt and dust.

If I could get them to meet me somewhere every once in a while, though... maybe that would be enough to show me how to interact over a period of time. I don't really know.

Sigh. Here I am indulging this fantasy yet again, right after I promised myself I'd quit it and focus on reality.

Xander is right. All you need is a little action.
There is no way around it.

I know... that's what I'm trying to get started on. I suppose I just have to decide on my first step and pursue it... then see what happens.

 

[Anja]

She's not going to do that. If anything, she gets nervous and tries to talk me out of it when I suggest something. Besides... I'd probably die of malnutrition or something within a week if she did that without my having any preparation, and she knows that. She couldn't live with it. Not to mention that she's in almost the same situation as myself, and I'm pretty much the only thing that keeps her going. She doesn't really feel like there's any point to her life except me. Kick me out of the nest? Ha. I'm kind of worried she won't let me leave.

I'm am trying to see this as more than "cut and dried." Are you saying that you are impaired in some way? Or that she is? Or that the relationship you have with your mother prevents you from independence?

Guess I'm assuming that you are old enough to leave the house and maybe you aren't?

 

[Athenian200]

I'm am trying to see this as more than "cut and dried." Are you saying that you are impaired in some way? Or that she is? Or that the relationship you have with your mother prevents you from independence?

Guess I'm assuming that you are old enough to leave the house and maybe you aren't?

I'm old enough to leave, yes. But my mother doesn't treat me like I am. When I suggest something that I want to do, she just keeps harping that I haven't proven that I'm responsible enough to handle it. Whenever I try to do most things, she just tells me I'm doing them wrong and runs in to do it for me. My father, when I went to work for him... pretty much treated me like a kid there, too. He and his workers made sure I was only assigned the kind of tasks that I could have done when I was 10. My parents really don't treat me like an adult at all, and I have a feeling they'd pull out all kinds of stops in order to keep me from leaving.

The only way I'm going to get out of here is if I push my way out. And I hate to fight. Especially knowing that I'm fighting to lose something very comfortable and predictable, like being fed regularly, never having to go outside, endless time to play on the computer, and not having to worry about when I have to fall asleep.

I'm beginning to realize that I probably would have done well to rebel as a teenager. Because I didn't... my parents don't see any adult in me at all. It's almost like, unconsciously, they can't acknowledge me as an adult because I didn't rebel enough. Thus I'm still a child. They're so certain of it that sometimes I can hardly believe I'm 20 and not 15.

 

[wolfy]

I'm old enough to leave, yes. But my mother doesn't treat me like I am. When I suggest something that I want to do, she just keeps harping that I haven't proven that I'm responsible enough to handle it. Whenever I try to do most things, she just tells me I'm doing them wrong and runs in to do it for me. My father, when I went to work for him... pretty much treated me like a kid there, too. He and his workers made sure I was only assigned the kind of tasks that I could have done when I was 10. My parents really don't treat me like an adult at all, and I have a feeling they'd pull out all kinds of stops in order to keep me from leaving.

The only way I'm going to get out of here is if I fight my way out. And I hate to fight. Especially knowing that I'm fighting to lose something very comfortable and predictable, like being fed regularly, never having to leave the house, endless time to play on the computer, and not having to worry about when I have to fall asleep. I'm beginning to realize that I probably would have done well to rebel as a teenager. Because I didn't... my parents don't see any adult in me at all. It's almost like, unconsciously, they can't acknowledge me as an adult because I didn't rebel enough. Thus I'm still a child.

You have to take it. It's often in others best interest for you to remain that same. Even while deriding you for being the way you are. The only way is to take control and push through.

 

[file cabinet]

this topic dwells heavily on the 'problem' which isn't as solutions oriented...

what helped me at one point was to figure out a plan of what I wanted to do. I wrote a 10 year plan of just some really high level ideas of what I would like to accomplish. on that list was to go to school and get a degree (still in progress).. by having an idea of what I wanted to do, it helped me focus on something specific and take steps toward reaching my end goal. for getting into school, I first had to figure out how to apply, do fafsa and other crazy stuff I never really wanted to learn about... but, as a result of that process I now have those basic skills to do that elsewhere (your difficulties may be something else).

so, my question is, what do you want to do?.. and, what steps do you need to take to get there? if you don't know what the steps are you, you should ask somebody (here, on the phone, in emails, etc). for example, when I was figuring out stuff for school I had to ask questions on their help line (even if my questions sounded dumb). if I didn't ask the questions then I wouldn't know the answers.

forward, upward & beyond!

(does this help at all??)

 

[Xander]

I'm beginning to realize that I probably would have done well to rebel as a teenager. Because I didn't... my parents don't see any adult in me at all. It's almost like, unconsciously, they can't acknowledge me as an adult because I didn't rebel enough. Thus I'm still a child. They're so certain of it that sometimes I can hardly believe I'm 20 and not 15.

Father's saying regarding power tools
"You learn by doing."
My response.
"Can I have a go then?"
The punchline
"No. These are MY tools and you don't know how to use them."

Catch 22.

Sometimes you just have to break a few eggs on a few people's faces before things run right.

Oh and one trick I learn't from my oh so ballsy sister is that sometimes to get respect you have to treat people with none. Do what you consider is best, ignoring all opposition, prove them all wrong and sit comfortably at the top of your hill looking superior.

 

[INTJMom]

Dear Athenian,

I meant to answer before now, but haven't had a chance.

Firstly let me say I can SO RELATE to everything you've said about how you feel about your situation, and I'm sorry you feel that way. I used to be in your shoes, I think, so let me offer you hope that you can still learn and grow and change and have your life become what you want it to.

I love what file cabinet just said about the 10 year plan. I think it's a great idea. If 10 years is too much, maybe a 5 year plan would be better? I was just about to ask you something similar... I was wondering if you have a lifelong dream that you've been afraid to pursue?

I also love how Xander got to the crux of the problem with this comment:

What you mean is "you can't succeed at something without knowing how to do it". That's different.

When he said that and then I read your response, I felt like I could have been reading my diary from when I was your age!

It's possible that you might be suffering from a thing called "perfectionism". I'm sure if you Google it, you'll find lots of self-help sites on the internet. I used to think if I couldn't do something perfectly the first time, it meant I wasn't meant to do that thing. There was no allowance for making mistakes and learning. (btw: your mom sounds like mine)

I have to go cause I'm on my lunch break, but I'll keep watching the thread.

 

[wildcat]

Yes, that's it. The only reason I thought it was too late was because I kind of thought I had lost all my opportunities to learn it, not the ability to learn it.


I've had fantasies of something like this several times. Except that the houseguest thing wouldn't work, because for one thing... we live in a messy apartment that barely has enough room for us, is in a bad neighborhood, my mother wouldn't go for that, I doubt any potential friends would go for it, and I kind of don't think that would help me much anyway. In the fantasies I've had, though... they invite me to their place or something in order to pull me out of my situation and rut, and help me get into functioning in society at large. If that happened... well, that would be wonderful.

Of course, I know that in real life, people don't put themselves out for people they've only known online. Even though I'm an INJ, I still know where the line between fantasy and reality is. Fantasy is a place with shared emotions, thoughts, and dreams... reality is materialistic, complicated, dangerous, lonely, and meaningless piles of dirt and dust.

If I could get them to meet me somewhere every once in a while, though... maybe that would be enough to show me how to interact over a period of time. I don't really know.

Sigh. Here I am indulging this fantasy yet again, right after I promised myself I'd quit it and focus on reality.


I know... that's what I'm trying to get started on. I suppose I just have to decide on my first step and pursue it... then see what happens.

People do put themselves out for people they have known only online.
I know this for a a fact. For example, my close relative, who lives in Ireland, invited an online friend over to stay in her place, and he stayed with her for a week or so.

Is it possible for you to get a scholarship and continue your studies? There are people also in the college! A job now would only veer you from a straight path.
Expertice in science is a good option for the future. Biology, physics, chemistry.
How about architecture? And there are other options. Engineering?

Special knowledge is the key. In a specialised field people get really close. I saw this in the university. In those fields you also get close to the teachers. Because they need you. In a good school the student body is a part of the game.

Life is wide, and there are options. You can solve all your problems in one move.
It only has to be the right move.