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[INFJ] INFJ - unhealthy traits

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
Messages
945
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
It's the effort an unhealthy INFJ makes to make themselves and others think they don't care that fuels many of their bad traits.

Random Ness, I think this is very well said. And, I try to always remember this with my INFJ friends. But reading this again is a good reminder.

INFJs care. They C-A-R-E soooooo much about [insert whatever here] that they can sometimes get persnickety about it. Are defensive about it. And, are overly sensitive about it.

Furthermore, they are not transparent in their thinking. In other words, other people don't see the caring part. All they see is the defensive action the INFJ takes to protect that which they care about.
 

BalanceFind

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
144
I tend to believe that I can suck up minor frustrations or irritations and also that the other person would feel as badly as I would if I brought it up. I'm also usually pretty easy-going and so don't push for my way on something unless it really matters to me.

Ts tend to process decisions very differently. They more often only do what they can without feeling resentful and assume that others do the same. They bring up their annoyance if it's a big deal (sometimes in a very blunt way) or else suck it up what they really aren't going to care about in the long run.

Most of my accommodating comes because I care about the other person and want to be good to them, and I also feel safer dealing with my reaction to something irritating rather than leaving it to the other person being annoyed because I don't like emotional surprises. However, over time if the other person doesn't notice that I often am making allowances for them and I finally make them aware of it (when I'm already nearing the end of my patience) and then they still push their luck, I will bring up many minor unresolved frustrations all in a flood, but the other person assumes I'm making a big deal over one little minor tiny incident. They dismiss my reaction as overemotional, thereby creating more new problems and still not resolving the initial one. Another reason I don't bring things up till later is that I want to be sure that I'm not being oversensitive, hasty or misinterpreting a situation. That's why it really bothers me to be called oversensitive or overreacting. When I finally have checked and double checked that I see an underlying negative theme in all those sources of annoyance (eg being taken for granted etc), I will say something. Usually by then, I've realized this has serious implication for our relationship and I truly am hurt by then, so it gets presented in a more emotional way than most Ts prefer and they are more likely to dismiss it.

I finally am learning that it's better to bring things up a little earlier (without being stupidly nitpicky) so I don't feel that emotional and so I establish better boundaries. I also realize it's important to push a little more for my way more often because the other person really won't feel that inconvenienced and will respect me more in the long run.

Old thread...yes I know. But I saw this.

Delivery matters. What do I mean by delivery? I mean how you say it. If you say it nicely, no problem. If you say it snappy, problem. If you say it privately, no problem. If you say it publicly in front of others, problem. If you bring up things more often as they happen or shortly after they happen, often times you'll get the productive resolution you seek. It's not going to work if you say nothing, wait and wait a long time then under durress mention many things in a row that happened months, or even years later. The other person will not feel that you have the right to bring things up waaaaay later. That was then, this is now. However, if you do so in a good delivery and say something has been bothering you for a long time, can we discuss it, you'd be surprised at how many people would be fine with that. Other people want you to be happy, and other people want you to help you.

Sometimes in my experience with infj's, there is an old crutch that others don't understand the depths of the infj, or the caring, or the romanticism, etc...and so on....and sometimes that is true, but sometimes that is not true. Reality is a combination of facts and feelings, not just one or the other. Even the most deep special person in life is not going to be able to read your mind all of the time. Not.gonna.happen.

Delivery delivery delivery.
 

BalanceFind

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
144
Oh there is so much I could share after being in a relationship with an unhealthy INFJ...

The thing that bugged me the most was how manipulative he was, and how gullible I was.

~He always made himself look like the victim whenever we had a fight and guilted me into whatever he wanted.
~When he had his mind set on something that he wanted, he refused to listen to reason. It's like everything I said blew over his head.
~When I wouldn't give in to him, he'd call my dad and try to get my own father against me.
~He lied and over-exaggerated about everything. (He would call me, crying his eyes out saying that his friend, that no one else knows about, died...the 3rd friend that week...and he never even went to any funerals.)
~He had some sick pleasure of doing anything to make me feel bad for him. (He told me he was 50% autistic, then at the end of the day told me he was just kidding...sad part is, I wasn't surprised when he told me.)

The breakup was a messy 1 month process...involving many angry emails from him, followed by an apology email full of, "You don't know how I feel..." and "I want to think that you're a nice girl, but..." and "Remember back when we were happy?" stuff in there, begging me to meet with him to talk just "one more time"....because "just 5 minutes could solve everything."

Nice guy...just a little psycho...and stalkerish...

This. Except my infj was female.
 

BalanceFind

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2011
Messages
144
What's pathetic is if an INFJ who is not that intelligent doorslams another while truly clueless to the real happenings around them/self-deceives oneself into a false 'reality' spewing details that are out of context and didn't happen then projects the details of their 'findings' onto another.

Garbage.
Very appreciative I found this old thread. You've walked in my shoes.
 

demvamerica

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Joined
Aug 28, 2012
Messages
1
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
3w2
I can speak on the martyr thing, infj's have a tendecy to convince themselves that their bad decisions really come from some sort of mystical deeper insight, and that the suffering that comes from these bad decisions is like this cross that they bear for being right in spite of the world being against them- rather than them just being wrong
 
A

A_priori

Guest
I assumed that the poster meant that INFJs can have a really hard time saying "No" to people - this is part of the martyr complex. They don't set boundaries for themselves regarding how much they can really handle, and they'll take on the world's problems as if they are the only ones that can help.

This is very true as I catch myself doing this all to often.. Good insight, will coment on some traits later when I have some time.
 

Froody Blue Gem

Necromancing Scapelamb
Joined
Dec 19, 2018
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1,141
MBTI Type
INTP
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954
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sp/so
With the martyr complex, it's doing things for others that you know would be harmful to you. Making sacrifices and wanting people to think of you as a great person. Unfortunately I do relate to this. Some other prominent unhealthy traits are worrying a lot and often not saying what's on my mind, holding back are unhealthy traits of my fe. People end up not seeing the true me when I am to worried to show it.

Also being stuck in my own little world. Having trouble saying the word "no" and feeling really bad saying it. Also, passive-aggression when things get extreme and holding grudges. Just being generally disorganized and cluttered, both mentally and physically would fall under that category as well. I can also be cold especially at my worst. While I want to see the best in people, I can only see bad when I am in full unhealthy mode.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Infjs are kind of terrible at explicitly explaining their feelings, wants, or needs to other people, and sometimes at understanding them themselves. They also tend to over accommodate, sometimes because they want to avoid being surprised negatively emotionally, rather than appropriately learning to be honest with the other person, or share feelings as information to throw in the mix, rather than seeing them as inconveniences or as something that will automatically place blame and obligation somewhere. They also seem to have more difficulty expressing small frustrations along the way and are not always aware of when it will suddenly be too much. I think if you are close to one, you have to invite them explicitly to say what they feel, and to also take equal responsibility for decision making along the way. They will be reluctant to share negative stuff about you, but ultimately, making it safe to do so helps them to avoid acting like a martyr, you getting unexpectedly doorslammed, or them placing responsibility for what to do next on you, plus they'll get better at paying attention to their emotions so they can more easily communicate them in real time.
 

Earl Grey

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Dec 3, 2017
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sp/so
Not INFJ, and no martyr complex, but I wonder if martyr complex is an INF- thing in general. Back when I typed as INFJ, I noted that INFPs also have their own brand of martyr complexes, albeit as a willing-but-unwilling doormat. Less swooping-in-and-saving and more "Here, I am here for you if you want to open your heart to me even if it hurts me." Thinking about how they are so nice and so kind and no one appreciates their presence, and trying to be as good and as accepting as possible. A megaton of "Why can't everyone just be kind and nice?" sentiments.

Yeah, sounds general INF-.
 

neko 4

New member
Joined
Apr 13, 2017
Messages
437
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp
I'm an INFJ who scored high on I, N and J, and moderately high on F. I would say most of these flaws apply to me, except the one about being a pushover.
 
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