[INFJ] INFJ - unhealthy traits

[Wyst]

'Martyr complex', huh? Haha, that's just a glorified way to say 'victim complex'.

Tied in with what elcare was saying, the unhealthy INFJ that continuously plays the victim card will try to drum up self-esteem inside themselves by thinking they're martyrs.

Ex. - INFJ helps all of their friends with their respective love problems, but feels completely alone in their own struggles with love and focuses on how no one seems to care or notice (there goes the victim card). But they also don't like to think negatively, so they give the situation a make-over be repainting themselves in the light of everyone's cupid in shining armor but each arrow that is shot drains a little of their life and they have no energy left for themselves.

 

[Vasilisa]

So many good an honest comments.

If I'm in a bad way, I definitely have the tape of my greatest hits of mess ups, mistakes, and embarrassing moments playing full blast in my mind. Stupid trivial things going back years and years and years. Its oppressive. This creates a lens through which I start to see all reality as variation on a theme. And yet I am loathe to communicate about it to others, because then I feel like I am burdening them, and also because it is hard to show weakness. Especially when a lot of their remedies (go out, be with the people) just tax my reserves and exacerbate the isolated feelings. I want people to reach me, but they can't really. I want them to give me what I need instead of what they need. But now I realize that is kind of impossible for them to know, and I'm not sure I can even say what that is. I'm more grateful to them when they accept me back without punishment or weirdness, since a lot of times they take it personally as if I'm having problems with them rather than with me. And that just overloads an already overburdened spirit.

So, I'm not sure if that describes martyrdom exactly. In my mind martyrdom says "See, how I suffer for you!" But I'm not suffering for them. Acting a martyr is totally unappealing to me, but I can definitely see how INFJs present that way with all the counsel we give and don't receive.

 

[quietmusician]

Correct tibby. ESTP is our shadow.

Yoinked from TeamTechnology:

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness, the INFJ's shadow may appear - a negative form of ESTP. Example characteristics are:

* acting very impulsively, making decisions without thinking them through
* doing things to excess - e.g.: eating, drinking or exercising
* being critical of others, and finding fault with almost everything
* being preoccupied about unimportant details and doing things that have no meaning
* acting in a very materialistic and selfish way
* cutting corners, breaking the rules, and even contradicting the INFJ's own values

The shadow is part of the unconscious that is often visible to others, onto whom the shadow is projected. The INFJ may therefore readily see these faults in others without recognising it in him/her self.

Yes all the way. That describes how I have been behaving as of late. Stress sucks ass and I hate being in that "mode". I say stupid things when I'm stressed out and there is never any hesitation in the matter. For example, if I'm stressed out and in public I might not realize until after the fact that I've somewhat quietly made a comment to someone behind the register. But do I like being sarcastic, though. If I'm asked "Would you like (whatever) with that?", sometimes I'll say out loud partially to myself "Didn't ask for any, dick".

I need to learn how to control myself when I tap into that 'uncaring' side. Not always a fun place to be..

 

[rogue1]

So many good an honest comments.

If I'm in a bad way, I definitely have the tape of my greatest hits of mess ups, mistakes, and embarrassing moments playing full blast in my mind. Stupid trivial things going back years and years and years. Its oppressive. This creates a lens through which I start to see all reality as variation on a theme. And yet I am loathe to communicate about it to others, because then I feel like I am burdening them, and also because it is hard to show weakness. Especially when a lot of their remedies (go out, be with the people) just tax my reserves and exacerbate the isolated feelings. I want people to reach me, but they can't really. I want them to give me what I need instead of what they need. But now I realize that is kind of impossible for them to know, and I'm not sure I can even say what that is. I'm more grateful to them when they accept me back without punishment or weirdness, since a lot of times they take it personally as if I'm having problems with them rather than with me. And that just overloads an already overburdened spirit.

Acting a martyr is totally unappealing to me, but I can definitely see how INFJs present that way with all the counsel we give and don't receive.

I am always a work in progress. I have a desire to become a well rounded person, so when I see my flaws (or have someone point them out) I am glad to break out of the chains that keep me prisoner in a life that suffocates me... even if I don't see it at the time.

 

[Fecal McAngry]

What are some other unhealthy traits to look out for with INFJs?

Not being comprehensible. To INFPs, anyway.

I currently am taking a class taught by an INFJ. Most of the time I do not know WTF he is saying...

 

[Bamboo]

i'm amazed this thread is still active.

wow, lots of responses. thanks.

 

[Quiet]

So many good an honest comments.

If I'm in a bad way, I definitely have the tape of my greatest hits of mess ups, mistakes, and embarrassing moments playing full blast in my mind. Stupid trivial things going back years and years and years. Its oppressive. This creates a lens through which I start to see all reality as variation on a theme. And yet I am loathe to communicate about it to others, because then I feel like I am burdening them, and also because it is hard to show weakness. Especially when a lot of their remedies (go out, be with the people) just tax my reserves and exacerbate the isolated feelings. I want people to reach me, but they can't really. I want them to give me what I need instead of what they need. But now I realize that is kind of impossible for them to know, and I'm not sure I can even say what that is. I'm more grateful to them when they accept me back without punishment or weirdness, since a lot of times they take it personally as if I'm having problems with them rather than with me. And that just overloads an already overburdened spirit.

So, I'm not sure if that describes martyrdom exactly. In my mind martyrdom says "See, how I suffer for you!" But I'm not suffering for them. Acting a martyr is totally unappealing to me, but I can definitely see how INFJs present that way with all the counsel we give and don't receive.

+ 1

 

[Lightyear]

+ 2

I can very much relate to the whole "I want people to reach me, but they can't really" bit. It's very isolating, I would love deep connections but on the other hand put up a front because I am very hesitant to open up my personal messes, my biggest fear is that I tell someone about what's really going on and then realise they just don't care, that would make things doubly painful. And even if people care I am very particular about how I want people to help me. It all gets so bloody complicated so I think: "It's better to deal with my problems on my own."

 

[Sniffles]

+ 2

I can very much relate to the whole "I want people to reach me, but they can't really" bit. It's very isolating, I would love deep connections but on the other hand put up a front because I am very hesitant to open up my personal messes, my biggest fear is that I tell someone about what's really going on and then realise they just don't care, that would make things doubly painful. And even if people care I am very particular about how I want people to help me. It all gets so bloody complicated so I think: "It's better to deal with my problems on my own."

+3 that's certainly the ideal I tend to strive for. It's often hard acknowledging when you actually do need help from others.

 

[Phantonym]

+ 2

I can very much relate to the whole "I want people to reach me, but they can't really" bit. It's very isolating, I would love deep connections but on the other hand put up a front because I am very hesitant to open up my personal messes, my biggest fear is that I tell someone about what's really going on and then realise they just don't care, that would make things doubly painful. And even if people care I am very particular about how I want people to help me. It all gets so bloody complicated so I think: "It's better to deal with my problems on my own."

Sheesh. This thread just makes me cry.

 

[scortia]

Hmm, I'm such a perfectionist that I'm either all gungho being productive and my best or I hit one small failure and say "oh well I'll try again tomorrow." - I've been doing the last one for about five years now.

When people close to me fail in some way I shut off to them or blow up out of nowhere. It can be a build up that I let go too long, or something inconsiderate that most people wouldn't recognize,.. .but in the end on the rare occasion I get upset it's rarely interpreted properly by the other party. So shut down mode is usually my top choice. I've seen this issue mentioned a lot in this forum.

 

[scortia]

+ 2
I would love deep connections but on the other hand put up a front because I am very hesitant to open up my personal messes, my biggest fear is that I tell someone about what's really going on and then realise they just don't care, that would make things doubly painful.

Can definitely relate. I don't have much baggage to speak of, but with my old friends, from time to time I've tried to speak from the heart and deep from within my own sense of ethics and philosophy. No one gets me at all beyond a friendly level and it drives me crazy at times. I enjoy my isolation and all but I'm tired of only showing half of myself. I'm quite aware that I'll be single for the rest of my life, likely, because I can't be involved with someone who I can't relate with on THAT level. And the older I get, the less likely I think that person exists.

We INFJs are a dangerous combination of being empathetically fragile, unique, and yet closed off to others enough that they don't realize how easily we break through normal interactions.

 

[the state i am in]

-the dirty negative Fe charge that we don't know we have until it's gone
-terrible indecisiveness
-being way too hard on ourselves, but worse yet, acting as if it's others being hard on us when really we're just projecting our own insecurities
-expecting others to lay out their emotional histories for us and then shying away from our own emotional outpourings in the moment (when they actually exist fully)

 

[rogue1]

Can definitely relate. I don't have much baggage to speak of, but with my old friends, from time to time I've tried to speak from the heart and deep from within my own sense of ethics and philosophy. No one gets me at all beyond a friendly level and it drives me crazy at times. I enjoy my isolation and all but I'm tired of only showing half of myself. I'm quite aware that I'll be single for the rest of my life, likely, because I can't be involved with someone who I can't relate with on THAT level. And the older I get, the less likely I think that person exists.

We INFJs are a dangerous combination of being empathetically fragile, unique, and yet closed off to others enough that they don't realize how easily we break through normal interactions.

The point of becoming truly vulnerable with someone never even reached the surface of my psyche. I had no desire. As I only revealed half of myself my views on relationships became distorted, and I became lost inside of myself.
To me when I became truly vulnerable with someone I open myself up to *being loved*. I believe that INFJ's can be blessed/cursed with a tremendous amount of passionate feelings that run deep in our core. I think it can be frightening to become vulnerable enough to receive a love like that in return. The power of it can be overwhelming, so if I nip it at the bud I can remain in my self made cocoon.
Mature INTP with a developed F has mad magic powers ...Just a thought.

 

[scortia]

Mature INTP with a developed F has mad magic powers ...Just a thought.

My T function is pretty strong and I must admit I'm attracted to NTs in general. I don't personally know any NTs who aren't unhealthy, unfortunately. Unhealthy NTs can be so callous that I have had a few bad situations with them over the years. Just, so incredibly callous and opinionated. It's a shame really. Wish I knew more healthy NTs because before my past NT friends showed their true colors I really felt a connection.

 

[Tiltyred]

What other people have said about being misunderstood, combined with what FMcA said about us being unintelligible -- I feel sometimes like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from, wherein I am sure I'm speaking English, but nobody can understand a word I say. It makes me so tired I don't even want to get up. I know it's from too much time spent around people not my kin, so to speak, but man, it's exhausting when nobody ever gets you. It's hard not to isolate. Or just say any damn thing, because what difference does it make.

My INFJ friend has impossibly high standards for herself and I have had similar thoughts, for example things like "I want to be the person who never ever lets him down," "I want to be the person who will not leave him no matter what," and it's not even because the person deserves such allegiance -- it's for the sake of the purity of the goal. It's admirable, I guess, but it's also just dumb sometimes. This maniac desire to be good.

 

[NightSkyGirl]

I've recently discovered I'm an INFJ thanks to several tests I took recommended by a friend(INTP) some days ago. He also suggested this forum which I've found very helpful and I've just been lurking around but decided to join today. I was rather shocked to see that I wasn't alone after all. I've always felt like other people can't really understand me despite the fact that most of the times I can somehow sense what they're feeling/thinking.

Anyhow, this thread really caught my attention because I think lately I've been exibiting many negative traits of an INFJ. I've had to deal with a lot of stress in the past three years and I think it's brought out the worst in me. After the death of my brother I completely shut off from the world. I became agoraphobic and I was in so much constant stress that I became physically ill. I stopped caring about the world outside of my bedroom door and stopped communicating with basically everyone I knew. I dropped out of college and stopped attending church. I stopped seeing my friends and wouldn't even talk on the phone because it was too stressful for me to socialize in any way.

I think certain stressful situations including the sudden death of my brother really took me to extremes. I've been trying to fight this for a year now and I've made some progress, but it is still hard for me to deal with stressful situations. Part of me is slowly going back to who I use to be, but I dont think I will ever be the same. I've managed to be able to leave the house recently with no panic attacks and that's been very rewarding and I'm hoping I can continue this way to full recovery. I'm starting to re-connect with my friends and I'm suprised to see some are still there for me despite how long it's been. Reading about the things I should look out for as an INFJ is really helfpul though. I'm really glad I found this site.

Aside from what I have mention I can relate to some of the stuff people have mentioned regarding INFJ traits. I too seem to expect too much out of people I'm not in a relationship with and then become disappointed and hurt. I give everything of myself to the point of being completely drained and realize that other people don't share my ideals of what a friendship should be. I have a hard time opening up to others and or accepting things from other people(including help).

I was wondering whether other INFJ's have been taken to such extremes as me. But even if it wasn't the case I no longer feel as alone as I use to. It's good to know that there are others who can understand my pain and what goes through my head.

 

[Phantonym]

I've recently discovered I'm an INFJ thanks to several tests I took recommended by a friend(INTP) some days ago. He also suggested this forum which I've found very helpful and I've just been lurking around but decided to join today. I was rather shocked to see that I wasn't alone after all. I've always felt like other people can't really understand me despite the fact that most of the times I can somehow sense what they're feeling/thinking.

Anyhow, this thread really caught my attention because I think lately I've been exibiting many negative traits of an INFJ. I've had to deal with a lot of stress in the past three years and I think it's brought out the worst in me. After the death of my brother I completely shut off from the world. I became agoraphobic and I was in so much constant stress that I became physically ill. I stopped caring about the world outside of my bedroom door and stopped communicating with basically everyone I knew. I dropped out of college and stopped attending church. I stopped seeing my friends and wouldn't even talk on the phone because it was too stressful for me to socialize in any way.

I think certain stressful situations including the sudden death of my brother really took me to extremes. I've been trying to fight this for a year now and I've made some progress, but it is still hard for me to deal with stressful situations. Part of me is slowly going back to who I use to be, but I dont think I will ever be the same. I've managed to be able to leave the house recently with no panic attacks and that's been very rewarding and I'm hoping I can continue this way to full recovery. I'm starting to re-connect with my friends and I'm suprised to see some are still there for me despite how long it's been. Reading about the things I should look out for as an INFJ is really helfpul though. I'm really glad I found this site.

Aside from what I have mention I can relate to some of the stuff people have mentioned regarding INFJ traits. I too seem to expect too much out of people I'm not in a relationship with and then become disappointed and hurt. I give everything of myself to the point of being completely drained and realize that other people don't share my ideals of what a friendship should be. I have a hard time opening up to others and or accepting things from other people(including help).

I was wondering whether other INFJ's have been taken to such extremes as me. But even if it wasn't the case I no longer feel as alone as I use to. It's good to know that there are others who can understand my pain and what goes through my head.

Welcome aboard, it's good to have you with us. I'm sorry to hear about what you've had to go through. I can somewhat relate to your situation, although I haven't been through such extremes to the extent that you have, but you are definitely not alone.

 

[NightSkyGirl]

Welcome aboard, it's good to have you with us. I'm sorry to hear about what you've had to go through. I can somewhat relate to your situation, although I haven't been through such extremes to the extent that you have, but you are definitely not alone.

Thank you, I appreciate it. It's good to be here. I want to learn more about how to become a better person.

 

[Fidelia]

I tend to believe that I can suck up minor frustrations or irritations and also that the other person would feel as badly as I would if I brought it up. I'm also usually pretty easy-going and so don't push for my way on something unless it really matters to me.

Ts tend to process decisions very differently. They more often only do what they can without feeling resentful and assume that others do the same. They bring up their annoyance if it's a big deal (sometimes in a very blunt way) or else suck it up what they really aren't going to care about in the long run.

Most of my accommodating comes because I care about the other person and want to be good to them, and I also feel safer dealing with my reaction to something irritating rather than leaving it to the other person being annoyed because I don't like emotional surprises. However, over time if the other person doesn't notice that I often am making allowances for them and I finally make them aware of it (when I'm already nearing the end of my patience) and then they still push their luck, I will bring up many minor unresolved frustrations all in a flood, but the other person assumes I'm making a big deal over one little minor tiny incident. They dismiss my reaction as overemotional, thereby creating more new problems and still not resolving the initial one. Another reason I don't bring things up till later is that I want to be sure that I'm not being oversensitive, hasty or misinterpreting a situation. That's why it really bothers me to be called oversensitive or overreacting. When I finally have checked and double checked that I see an underlying negative theme in all those sources of annoyance (eg being taken for granted etc), I will say something. Usually by then, I've realized this has serious implication for our relationship and I truly am hurt by then, so it gets presented in a more emotional way than most Ts prefer and they are more likely to dismiss it.

I finally am learning that it's better to bring things up a little earlier (without being stupidly nitpicky) so I don't feel that emotional and so I establish better boundaries. I also realize it's important to push a little more for my way more often because the other person really won't feel that inconvenienced and will respect me more in the long run.