re kyuuei, Sytpg, FantailedWall, BerberElla, Amargith, and others
Me too!
I can be so personal, and yet in a way that's so direct that it's not personal at all.
As a matter of retaining a sense of dignity in the face of things about me I'm not comfortable with, I can't just hide stuff away because it would be a liability. People would find out, and it feels yucky to keep a secret. So I bite the bullet and trade the liability of a part of me for the isolation of the whole of me, because between social bonds and self bonds, I'll take the self bonds, and preserve my sense of self-integrity. Of course, it doesn't really solve anything in reality because I'm still keeping a secret but am pretending not to. Instead of hiding the fact, I'm quite enthusiastically hiding the shame I feel about it. But it can't disappear. What I hide from myself only becomes projected, and I expect to be rejected or turned away for what I say, again, because of my OWN perceptions which I don't recognize. That's why it has to appear as such an either-or choice between self and others. It's very dishonest, and is hardly self-integrity, despite my efforts. It's a stoical-like movement, I think.