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[ENFJ] advice about ENFJ guy

bearette

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Hi, I am an INFP gal and new to this forum.

I have had a "situation" with an ENFJ guy that I am trying to process...hope some of you have some insight :)

well, I am an American living in China now and in a graduate program. I met a fellow student, an ENFJ male, early on in the semester (I am guessing his type, but pretty confident I'm right.) Anyway, he was very friendly and attentive to me kind of right off the bat. We wound up talking for a long time on a small group outing (well, he did most of the talking, hehe). He also directly said to me that we should spend more time together. (not in an off-handed way, it seemed very thought-out and deliberate). After that, he'd ask me a few times a week if I wanted to study with him in the library. While there, we'd sit by ourselves and wind up having long conversations that flowed wonderfully, with other people asking, later, "just what were you two talking about??" (he especially would get very animated).

So, we were getting closer but at the same time, there were times when he seemed a little cool and distant. However whenever I'd think that, he'd warm up again later, giving me silly little presents (like a stuffed animal he found), or helping me with random stuff, etc.

We had known each other almost 2 months and were becoming good friends, but he never "made a move" so I mustered up courage and told him via text message that I liked him as more than a friend. He wrote back that he could feel that we were "more than just regular classmates", but that he needs to focus on studying now. He also said that "when two people get too close, they wind up hurting each other; I have experienced that and don't want to experience it again."

After that message exchange however he became even more friendly to me, and became more proactive in asking me to do stuff. He also shared lots of personal things with me, and invited me to his house for the Chinese new year (he's Chinese). Physically I noticed a difference too- once when I was in his room he fed me some food from some leftovers we were eating, and he started sort of leaning against me when we were in close proximity.

So, I felt that this was ambiguous and so directly asked him if he had feelings for me other than as a friend. He said that he did not, but I was just his closest classmate. He also told me that he wanted to get to know me better initially because I seemed shy, but like a really nice person.

I don't think he is lying about his feelings but I wonder if anyone can lend any insight into the "ENFJ mind". Do ENFJ's normally act like this with people they are not interested romantically? If so, why? Any insight into his motivations or thoughts?

note: He is Chinese, so I am sure that affects his behavior and motivations in different ways too.

thanks for reading!
 

Kalach

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I can't possibly answer for an individual ENFJ, but I believe I may answer for the entire Chinese nation...

Physically I noticed a difference too- once when I was in his room he fed me some food from some leftovers we were eating, and he started sort of leaning against me when we were in close proximity.

So, I felt that this was ambiguous and so directly asked him if he had feelings for me other than as a friend. He said that he did not, but I was just his closest classmate.

"Classmate" in China is a deeper relationship than immediately seems normal to me having grown up in Australia. Classes stick together, they believe in unity, they're inclined to believe it is right and suitable to remain in contact for the rest of their lives. There's a fairly substantial whack of mysterious culture going on in the classmate relationship which doesn't seem to me to have an easily identifiable western counterpart.

So, there's that.

And there's personal space. You've been in China a while now, yeah? So you've noticed how Chinese personal space boundaries are much, much smaller than for Americans?

And lastly,

He also told me that he wanted to get to know me better initially because I seemed shy, but like a really nice person.

Straight up ENFJ, sounds like.


Which doesn't mean it isn't a pretty great relationship you've got there. Definitely friendship. Plus some different cultural background.


Ask him to talk about the "classmate" relationship as a cultural item. If nothing else, you'll have something pretty neat to discuss and discover.




Moi? I live in China too. Doesn't mean I know a lot. I'm oblivious to a lot of it a lot of the time.
 

bearette

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hey, thanks for your response. it's pretty cool too encounter other non-Chinese living in China...

And there's personal space. You've been in China a while now, yeah? So you've noticed how Chinese personal space boundaries are much, much smaller than for Americans?

yeah, have definitely noticed this. However, generally speaking only friends of the same sex will actually touch each other (otherwise, it's a boyfriend-girlfriend thing). Plus, I noticed him starting the physical stuff after I told him my feelings. one possible explanation is that he felt relieved that I knew he only saw me as a friend, so he felt comfortable being a little physical. but then that begs the question of why he wanted to touch me at all?
 

Kalach

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Well, this is where other NFs will have to take over and say what an ENFJ really means by his or her actions.

One thing I think I might be aware of: ENFJs don't much like to be touched when they're not ready for it, but they're okay with touching other people. (My sample size for this claim is, like, 2, maybe 3.)



But Lord, the number of times in China I've been touched unexpectedly by people who didn't seem to know any better...


INTJ now bows out of discussion because he is painfully aware of how little expertise he has in NF matters and feels a little weird posting in the Idyllic...
 

Laurie

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Chinese in a restaurant I used to frequent would ALWAYS touch my kids on thieir heads. Sound right?
 

The Third Rider

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Well I can be real warm sometimes and may be too warm to the point that I have someone fall in love with me but that is our friendly, charismatic, loving, parent-like nature. Sometimes I do it willingly other times I don't but it does seem like he likes you and may be slowing developing feelings toward you. It has happened to me before, were I had one girl fall in love with me and I eventually started to develop feelings for her as well, eventhough I tried not to (she was taken). Well me having had my heart ripped out a few times I have also put up "walls" so that I don't let someone else hurt me emotionally again, that might explain the "when two people get too close, they wind up hurting each other; I have experienced that and don't want to experience it again." and why he isn't eager to jump the gun with you. He seems to be very cautious and I can definitely see why.
 

bearette

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Well I can be real warm sometimes and may be too warm to the point that I have someone fall in love with me but that is our friendly, charismatic, loving, parent-like nature. Sometimes I do it willingly other times I don't but it does seem like he likes you and may be slowing developing feelings toward you. It has happened to me before, were I had one girl fall in love with me and I eventually started to develop feelings for her as well, eventhough I tried not to (she was taken). Well me having had my heart ripped out a few times I have also put up "walls" so that I don't let someone else hurt me emotionally again, that might explain the "when two people get too close, they wind up hurting each other; I have experienced that and don't want to experience it again." and why he isn't eager to jump the gun with you. He seems to be very cautious and I can definitely see why.

thanks for reply:)

hmm, so you can see yourself acting in those ways (or you have) toward a girl while only seeing her as a friend? well, I guess that's a hard question to answer as you didn't see exactly how my "guy" acted. guess you enfj's have people swooning over you left and right then, huh? ;)

i guess it's hard as an introvert to see though cause we generally don't act effusive unless we really, really have feelings (that's not an insult to E's by the way).

as for him developing feelings, well, things have changed since then. i got kinda weirded out by the whole "just friends" things, and kinda hurt, and tried to talk to him about it one too many times i think. he got more distant after that:(
 

The Third Rider

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thanks for reply:)

hmm, so you can see yourself acting in those ways (or you have) toward a girl while only seeing her as a friend? well, I guess that's a hard question to answer as you didn't see exactly how my "guy" acted. guess you enfj's have people swooning over you left and right then, huh? ;)
Well I wouldn't go that far may be one girl per year.:blush:

i guess it's hard as an introvert to see though cause we generally don't act effusive unless we really, really have feelings (that's not an insult to E's by the way).

as for him developing feelings, well, things have changed since then. i got kinda weirded out by the whole "just friends" things, and kinda hurt, and tried to talk to him about it one too many times i think. he got more distant after that:(
Well sorry to hear, perhaps he did just want to be friends. I just can't tell I don't know him.
 

chris1207

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I've gotta go to work but I will just say that he totally wants you! :) I'll explain when I get home in a couple hours. Let me think it over!
 

bearette

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I've gotta go to work but I will just say that he totally wants you! :) I'll explain when I get home in a couple hours. Let me think it over!

awww.....you left me hangin':blushing:

i have a specific question for you, when you get back...why would he said, "I don't have feelings for you other than as a friend", if it weren't true?

I know he does not want/is not ready for a relationship...but i can;t figure out if he is just trying to be nice about it or if he does have some kind of feeling he's trying to supress.

another thing- he is also friendly with my roommate (but not close) and he flirts with her in a major, obvious, way. he kind of acts like a horn dog around her. but with me, no. he just acts really nice, and kind of intimate.
 

chris1207

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awww.....you left me hangin':blushing:

i have a specific question for you, when you get back...why would he said, "I don't have feelings for you other than as a friend", if it weren't true?

I know he does not want/is not ready for a relationship...but i can;t figure out if he is just trying to be nice about it or if he does have some kind of feeling he's trying to supress.

another thing- he is also friendly with my roommate (but not close) and he flirts with her in a major, obvious, way. he kind of acts like a horn dog around her. but with me, no. he just acts really nice, and kind of intimate.

I'm back! Woohoo! :)

ENFJ's, I think are, like a lot of EXXJ's, planners. We like to set up a system of expectations and basically play every relationship like it's a game of chess. He's just studying up on you and your guys' (hopefully) future relationship.

The thing is is that these expectations set the relationship up for failure to begin with. We end up getting this magical, mystical idea of what the relationship should be and forget how it is. Eventually, you get these feelings that you can't live up to the picture he's painted and either he gets bored and breaks up with you or you get upset and break up with him. I've had a lot of relationships end this way. :cry:

More than anything, you should tell him that you like him and that you sure as hell know he likes you and that you understand that jumping right into a relationship is scary but that maybe together you two could turn it into something exciting. I know that I as an ENFJ would respond really well to that. It shows that you really care for him and that your "like" of him isn't a "ho-hum this tuna in the fridge looks good" kind of thing.

As for the whole innuendo thing, that's kind of what we do. Is she attractive (even remotely?) We think about sex when we get around the opposite sex and rather than letting that eat us up in side we let that come forth as innuendo because we know it will elicit a pleasant reaction from the person it's directed at. He's really just trying to be nice and trying to maintain his integrity by not hiding the feelings that every guy has for every attractive girl on the streets.

I hope you don't think that he's trying to make you jealous or test you or anything! It's just how we do "nice" with the opposite sex. He just doesn't do that with you because you and he have plans, so to speak and he wants it to be perfect.

Oh and we aren't "kind of horndogs" we are "massive horndogs" btw

:yay:
 

Kalach

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Oh and we aren't "kind of horndogs" we are "massive horndogs" btw

You are?

That's upsetting. (Long story.)

Because I read somewhere in some type description that ENFJs aren't much interested in sex where it does not express love and intimacy.





Yeah, I know, who really is interested without there be love and/or intimacy... but golly gee willikers, there's a fair few definitions of love and intimacy that don't fit Fe restrictions.
 

chris1207

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You are?

That's upsetting. (Long story.)

Because I read somewhere in some type description that ENFJs aren't much interested in sex where it does not express love and intimacy.





Yeah, I know, who really is interested without there be love and/or intimacy... but golly gee willikers, there's a fair few definitions of love and intimacy that don't fit Fe restrictions.

LOL! You're just upset because it doesn't fit your paradigm of what it is to be an ENFJ. Maybe you have more to learn! :) "Horndog" doesn't necessarily mean humpy the leg of any girl that happens to catch my eye. For me, it means being very sexually conscience much of the time and choosing not to restrain that side of you. You really don't have to go all the way to be a horndog so you don't have to be in a loving/intimate relationship.

It doesn't mean oodles and oodles of casual, no-strings-attached sex, if that's what you're thinking...

I dunno, it's just what I do. In all fairness, I've had girls that I've "horndogged" describe me as a gentleman and as being courteous to them and not sarcastically either, so there! HA HA :D
 

bearette

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More than anything, you should tell him that you like him and that you sure as hell know he likes you and that you understand that jumping right into a relationship is scary but that maybe together you two could turn it into something exciting. I know that I as an ENFJ would respond really well to that. It shows that you really care for him and that your "like" of him isn't a "ho-hum this tuna in the fridge looks good" kind of thing.



:yay:

thank you so much for your reply!!

but....I told him I liked him! and he said he only likes me as a friend- he even said he wouldn't lie to me about that!

so, isn't it possible he doesn't think of me romantically?
 

The Third Rider

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thank you so much for your reply!!

but....I told him I liked him! and he said he only likes me as a friend- he even said he wouldn't lie to me about that!

so, isn't it possible he doesn't think of me romantically?

Than I would take his word for it. I know that I like to flirt and tease and he provably does it for the attention. I sometimes flirt just for the attention and have no intentions of a relationships, if I were you I would not waste more emotional energy on him than. Once he stops receiving that type of attention from you watch him change and look a little confused.
 

bearette

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Than I would take his word for it. I know that I like to flirt and tease and he provably does it for the attention. I sometimes flirt just for the attention and have no intentions of a relationships, if I were you I would not waste more emotional energy on him than. Once he stops receiving that type of attention from you watch him change and look a little confused.

thanks; i think you are most likely right.

the sad thing, though, is that we (were) good friends. I'm just not sure how I stop wasting emotional energy while at the same time maintaining a friendship. (I guess a start would be for me to stop obsessively discussing the situations on online forums:huh:)

we just had the start of our month-long break, the one during (part of) which he invited me to his house. i wrote him a note thanking him but saying i could not come after all because the situation was difficult for me. Honestly, he was probably relieved as I had sensed he had been a little distant the past several days; in all fairness I keep questioning him about this situation when we are together:doh:
 

Siegfried

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thanks; i think you are most likely right.

the sad thing, though, is that we (were) good friends. I'm just not sure how I stop wasting emotional energy while at the same time maintaining a friendship. (I guess a start would be for me to stop obsessively discussing the situations on online forums:huh:)

we just had the start of our month-long break, the one during (part of) which he invited me to his house. i wrote him a note thanking him but saying i could not come after all because the situation was difficult for me. Honestly, he was probably relieved as I had sensed he had been a little distant the past several days; in all fairness I keep questioning him about this situation when we are together:doh:

Heey, I'm like in a situation like yours except I'm the guy. Being worried about it is ok, hehe. I get worried too, I wanted to meet her, but she was unsure, so I was abit confused if I should keep trying. I really miss her, so I tried being more direct, but I think it comes across as too blunt. :doh:
 
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