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[NF] questions for/about INFJ and ENFJ men

curiousjane

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
2
A question for all you INFJ men out there: do you flirt openly with people?

A question for all you ENFJ men out there: can you be shy in certain situations?

I ask because I have a person who seems to be either ENFJ or INFJ throwing out indicators of interest and I can't figure him out. I could do things the hard way by talking to him, but being the socially anxious nerd that I am, I'm too nervous.

Anyway, this one guy (forgive the sappy teenage romance, look away if you want no part of it) keeps looking at me with this intense, protracted stare whenever I wait on him at the place where I work. Were he not cute I would say that his stare was creepy (it's a little too intense for me). He says a few things to me from time to time, none of which I can remember since I'm such a nervous wreck, and comes across as confident, upright, calm, and sensitive. Occasionally he'll rush. He's apparently an overachiever at school and is very dedicated to his work.

The reason why I'm confused as to whether he's ENFJ or INFJ is because he demonstrates elements of both types (INFJ - sensitive, understated; ENFJ - confident, initiates conversations). I can't see him being INFJ because I can't see INFJ men flirting by staring down their prey and I can't match him to any INFJ man I currently know. I can't see him being ENFJ because he's not in-your-face and high-octane and I can't match him to any ENFJ man I know. One day I didn't respond to his subtle overtures and he walked away looking timid and dejected. Questions, questions, questions.

The issue for me is that MBTI overly dichotomizes things: behaviors are either all E or all I, rarely in between. I also come from a Socionics background (ask if you're not familiar with it), so I'm all confused about whether :Fe: with strangers (open displays of emotion, initiating conversations) is INFJ territory or not.

So yeah, at this point I have no clue what he's about. The logical step would be to talk to him at some point, but seeing that I get so nervous in these situations I wouldn't be able to carry on a conversation.

Thanks in advance for reading my blabber; situations like these obviously don't happen too much in my life.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
I'm an INFJ and I flirt openly with women all the time, and initiate conversations even when I'm with a girl on a date, I can't help but flirt with other girls, and most of the time that helps to create some jealousy and friction with the girl I'm with, then in turn inflates my ego because she either leaves confirming she's an idiot or tries harder to impress me. (Here's the shoulder and here's the chip.....go ahead....) LOL, said for everyone's amusement.

INFJ's are: IN then EF
ENFJ's are: EF then IN

Remember INFJ's have Introverted intuition and able to read people like psychics almost, especially women, and being counselors, we are social diagnosticians....doctors of relationships and social behaviour, and those secondary extroverted feelings confuse the INFJ with the ENFJ. ENFJ's are going around trying to help people taking on too much and neglecting themselves.

Again, it's how something is said, that seperates the two. The ENFJ will express feelings intuitively and because of that, they're really fun, and the INFJ will express intuitive things by how those intuitive things feel to them, which comes from a place of importance and belief or ideal. As well, the INFJ will put you on a pedestal as his ideal that stands apart from the crowd as the INFJ is looking for his "one" or I guess, his "Trinity" if you get the Matrix reference, and the ENFJ will continually try to meet your needs and smother you and usually they are one with the crowd as though no distinction exists.

Here's some links:

INFJ: INFJ Relationships
ENFJ: ENFJ Relationships
 

jaku

New member
Joined
Dec 18, 2008
Messages
65
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4,5?
it's the intense staring that leads me to believe it's not infj magic being worked. my Fe is pretty well developed, i flirt with everyone in a sense i suppose, but i would never staaaaaare someone down in a manner that could be perceived in any way as creepy.

the dedication/studying thing has me leaning more toward the enfj side.
but he slinked away when not being attended to?

how about an unconventionally soft entj?
smart studious and assertive. potential for refined staring tactics.
passionate and caring as well.
but also misleading and rather mysterious until conversed with

The issue for me is that MBTI overly dichotomizes things

yep.
i'd like to get with socionics program. the focus on intertype relationships is behhhhhdy behhdy intelesting
 

ArchAngel

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
I flirt openly today, but I've only recently learned to do it. For most of my life, I was pretty reserved and shy around women, and I suppose I sent signals very below-the-line.

There's plenty of book-learning on the subject, and I studied it with great interest and amusement. Once I learned that there are lots of interactions that work well in almost any situation, I loosened up and lost all the shyness. But it didn't come naturally.

Not sure is an intense stare is necessarily creepy or even necessarily part of your particular contact. INFJ men are pretty intense, period. It could just be his way of being intense.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
What does he say after he stares you down? What is the topic? Just food? Maybe he's just weird, and want's his coffee NOW!! I just realized not too long ago I was caught staring at a women I later spent the evening with, then again, I knew the women before hand, although staring at someone is pretty creepy. INFJ's tend to gawk at things we admire I guess, remember, INFJ's are about finding their ideal and putting her on a pedestal. We also like thinking about interesting people, and when we've summed a person up and there's more than the summation, we probably stare for a while. The guy you're talking about Curiousjane, has to be defined beyond the staring. The method of how things are expressed is what needs to be defined about this guy, to properly define his myers briggs.

Oh, and with the socionics, I'm an EIE, Ethical Intuitive Extrovert, aka, actor, but for the most part I enjoy dabbling with MBTI much more jakuwhat, I find there's more to discuss.

Archangel, you are more of a true introvert than I am, shyness has never been problematic for me as I was too talented as a kid to be shy...."look what I've built" or "listen to what I found out" and the classic, "look what I can do", defines me. None of which is done because I need to be around people, but strictly to showcase the talents I already have, to someone other than myself. LOL! But I'd be quite fine never showing anyone how awesome I am. Bahahaha! :)
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
A question for all you INFJ men out there: do you flirt openly with people?

I don't because I know the attempts sound stupid in my head. I'm not a good speaker unless I just let it flow, but that's just silly jokes or banter or more likely, a confused mumble of words. Usually pretty off-color, too. I find my niche among the open-minded dorks :B

Around people I'm attracted to, I'm hesitant and work hard not to stare. I basically try to hold back my strange side until they've acclimatized (I never know exactly if they do, but I sorta guess) and a slowly bring it out.

The issue for me is that MBTI overly dichotomizes things

I don't use type except as a label for the flavors of personalities, enneagram helps a lot too. (Ive even spent some thought about 'if x type were an object... what would it be?)
 

ArchAngel

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
The correct eye-contact rule is: Hold her eyes until she looks away, then avert. Do NOT hold your gaze beyond her disengagement.
 

Brendan

Guerilla Urbanist
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
911
MBTI Type
ENFJ
A question for all you INFJ men out there: do you flirt openly with people?

A question for all you ENFJ men out there: can you be shy in certain situations?

I ask because I have a person who seems to be either ENFJ or INFJ throwing out indicators of interest and I can't figure him out. I could do things the hard way by talking to him, but being the socially anxious nerd that I am, I'm too nervous.

Anyway, this one guy (forgive the sappy teenage romance, look away if you want no part of it) keeps looking at me with this intense, protracted stare whenever I wait on him at the place where I work. Were he not cute I would say that his stare was creepy (it's a little too intense for me). He says a few things to me from time to time, none of which I can remember since I'm such a nervous wreck, and comes across as confident, upright, calm, and sensitive. Occasionally he'll rush. He's apparently an overachiever at school and is very dedicated to his work.

The reason why I'm confused as to whether he's ENFJ or INFJ is because he demonstrates elements of both types (INFJ - sensitive, understated; ENFJ - confident, initiates conversations). I can't see him being INFJ because I can't see INFJ men flirting by staring down their prey and I can't match him to any INFJ man I currently know. I can't see him being ENFJ because he's not in-your-face and high-octane and I can't match him to any ENFJ man I know. One day I didn't respond to his subtle overtures and he walked away looking timid and dejected. Questions, questions, questions.

The issue for me is that MBTI overly dichotomizes things: behaviors are either all E or all I, rarely in between. I also come from a Socionics background (ask if you're not familiar with it), so I'm all confused about whether :Fe: with strangers (open displays of emotion, initiating conversations) is INFJ territory or not.

So yeah, at this point I have no clue what he's about. The logical step would be to talk to him at some point, but seeing that I get so nervous in these situations I wouldn't be able to carry on a conversation.

Thanks in advance for reading my blabber; situations like these obviously don't happen too much in my life.
Telling the difference between these two types is often difficult. We share all the same functions, we almost reciprocate each other. Fe, Ni, Se, Ti and Ni, Fe, Ti, Se. When I find someone attractive, I immediately clam up. And while I can be confident and boisterous among those I know and am familiar with, I very rarely interact with an established group without observing... for a while. Anyway, a good way to tell if someone is NFJ, regardless of E vs. I is an appearance of "reserved candor." That was the description provided of Paul Atreides in the book Dune. It seemed to fit well.

That being said, does it matter to you whether he's E or I? Sounds like he's into you either way.
 

lorkan

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2008
Messages
260
MBTI Type
INFJ
CuriousJane: The answer to your question is problably yes, that he is INFJ. Both INFJ and ENFJ's stare with intense glare and it's sometimes conscious and sometimes they are really lost in their head. An ENFJ would very soon go and talk to you, ESPECIALLY if your shy. An INFJ would probably need some strong efforts and self-development to go and talk to another shy girl. The thing is when INFJ's stare that much on you, there's probably no thinking involved and its not ment to be hostile but It's just curiousity. And If he is flirting with you, then at that very moment, it is probably real. Even if it seems like he isn't taking things to seriously, it is anyway (at that moment).

A dealbreaker for you, if you really got the balls for it, would be to initiate a conversation with him. He WILL lighten up and feel that a burden has left his heart. And his intense staring will probably change to a more friendly stare, and he will have the guts himself to initiate future contact.
 

The Third Rider

New member
Joined
Sep 12, 2007
Messages
763
MBTI Type
ENFj
Well I am an ENFJ and I would not be up in your face I am more reserved than that so he mifght be an ENFJ.
 

quietmusician

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Joined
Nov 29, 2008
Messages
320
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
I don't think that I openly flirt with girls. I would say that I'm more discreet. And that's only if I know for sure they like me too.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
Haha, me too, I'd probably decide against flirting en masse, especially with an introverted girl who's on a date and appears to be in a serious relationship. However, I will flirt with highly personable girls, introverted or extroverted, doesn't matter. I use my intuition to figure out if she's going to be personable and easy going so I can let my guard down around her and joke with her, spontaneously, out of the blue. Usually small, intuitive comments about some stupidity around us. Again, only if it's natural, and there's not going to be any harm to my person after the gesture. I read the world around me to make my move, and time it correctly.
 

curiousjane

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
2
Thank you all for responding. I probably won't figure this one out for a while, seeing that I've barely spoken to him and that I gave you all the equivalent of a shadowy police sketch, but my greatest area of difficulty is determining whether certain behaviors are characteristic of one type or another.

My idea of an INFJ is more resonant with people like quietmusician and skyward: reserved, cautious, and stoic (but with an underlying sweetness). I also know some who are flirtatious in an endearingly nerdy way, but not so much in a direct way. Perhaps I've just determined these people to be INFJs and overlooked the INFJs who don't conform to this description. Ahh, stereotyping.

The whole difference between Socionics and MBTI is also difficult for me to wrap my brain around. I'm used to looking for outward expressions of :Ne: from INFJs and not :Fe:. This is one aspect of Socionics that I prefer over MBTI: the functions are more clearly delineated and discrete (read: ENFP and INFJ have complementary functions, not ENFP and INFP), so the types are easier to identify. But what do I know?

Happy trails!
 

Alpha Prime

New member
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Jul 18, 2008
Messages
250
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XXXX
Enneagram
XXXX
Want my advice? Here it is anyway :p

It seems to me that you're spending more time trying to type him than getting to know him. Try the latter instead. If you're compatible, good! No? Well, then it doesn't even matter what "type" he is.
 

IEE623

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2008
Messages
196
MBTI Type
NeXx
The whole difference between Socionics and MBTI is also difficult for me to wrap my brain around. I'm used to looking for outward expressions of :Ne: from INFJs and not :Fe:. This is one aspect of Socionics that I prefer over MBTI: the functions are more clearly delineated and discrete (read: ENFP and INFJ have complementary functions, not ENFP and INFP), so the types are easier to identify. But what do I know?

Happy trails!

INFJs in MBTI are not necessarily INFj in Socionics. INFJs in MBTI use Ni as dominant functions and Fe as auxiliary function while INFjs in Socionics use Fi as base functions and Ne as creative function. Check INFp description in Socionics to see if it's fit, since INFps use Ni-Fe like INFJs do.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Lets make him INFJ! :D
 

MrME

New member
Joined
Jan 9, 2009
Messages
383
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
I'm not even sure I know how to flirt properly ...
 

quietmusician

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Nov 29, 2008
Messages
320
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4
MrME - I don't think I know either. Like I said above, I guess I could call my behavior discreet because I don't try to flirt. I've had people tell me that I'm flirting when I'm just being friendly and warm. So no, I don't have any "game" or whatever, lol.
 

Lily flower

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Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
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INFJ
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2
I'm an INFJ and I definitely do the staring thing. I don't usually realize that I'm doing it until the person sees me and noticies and then it is kind of embarrassing. If he is staring at you that much, then he definitely likes you. I would take the first step - he might never do anything because he is too shy.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I'm not a male and am a borderline E/INFJ, but I feel the need to clarify some points.

1. No way am I talking to you first if I really like you. I'll be too shy to do it and will be spending all my time sizing you up and trying build up the courage just to walk past you without visibly shaking/sweating/freaking out.

If I think you might be easy to blow smoke on, I may tease you first, after determining that you'd rather die than look at me - that's strictly reserved for the INTPs. I want to see if you have any fight in you. I won't have you receding from me. You better look at me before I eat you.

If you're ENTP, you will already have flipped me on my shell and will be tugging, biting, poking, taunting me. I won't have to make the first move. You will tell me that I'm your girl now and I best accept it, and I'll say "You're right" and you'll say brightly "Well, of course I am!"

2. I don't "flirt" if I'm already interested in someone. With the girls, chatting each other up is a matter of bonhomie, camaraderie and a display of affection. I like to joke and kid around and goodness knows, Fe is like a man-eating vine when it's feeling frisky, but I don't pit men against each other for my amusement or to suit my ego. Yes, I want him to myself, but not at the expense of my self-respect. Either he's with me or he isn't. I had a date practically lean across the table to flirt with our waitress once and it really killed me. What an immature stupid thing to do.

3. The "E" doesn't mean you're more outgoing, louder, wilder, or more inclined to talk. It just doesn't. It means Fe comes first. That's it. My INFJ father is frequently found at the center of things cracking jokes and being social. Perhaps paradoxically, I hold back a lot, and might not ever have blossomed if not raised with my ENFP sister or my ESFP and ENTJ best friends.

4. EVERYONE does the staring thing.

5. EVERYONE finds their groove ultimately. You'll gain your cadence if you want to be in sync with the object of your affection. Otherwise, what's the point.
 
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