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[MBTI General] Idealist Thoughts on INTP Romance

A Schnitzel

WTF is this dude saying?
Joined
Jun 4, 2008
Messages
1,155
MBTI Type
INTP
Whiny or whiney, not 'whinny'. ;)



I've never understood how this is a 'bad thing'. What's so bad about wanting people to be forthright? I shouldn't have to decode some abstract subtlety that's meant to mean you want something: if you want something just come out and say it! I think some people tend to imply wanting something instead of explicitly asking in order to save face, to get it without actually asking, which frankly I find it rude and petty.



All these years and I never understood why "Hi, I'm 93JC; wanna fuck?" didn't work...

Sounds like her unappealing list hit a little too close to home.
 

chatoyer

New member
Joined
May 1, 2007
Messages
122
MBTI Type
eNfP
Enneagram
7w6
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Whiny or whiney, not 'whinny'. ;)

Ooh, ouch! But very INTP of you! Good demonstration. :yes:


I've never understood how this is a 'bad thing'. What's so bad about wanting people to be forthright? I shouldn't have to decode some abstract subtlety that's meant to mean you want something: if you want something just come out and say it! I think some people tend to imply wanting something instead of explicitly asking in order to save face, to get it without actually asking, which frankly I find it rude and petty.

It's not bad, it's just not ideal, you're talking to a bunch of idealists! We revel in subtlety, flights of imagination, unpredictability in the area of romance, come on! Why be so reactive? What do you want from me, unhampered by my request?

I don't want a memo! I don't want to give a memo that spells out exactly to the letter what I want. I want a mesmerizing painting of you and me, what do we create together that's unique and magical? I want a dance where I don't always lead and you respond!


All these years and I never understood why "Hi, I'm 93JC; wanna fuck?" didn't work...

Good luck with that! ;)
 

93JC

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
3,989
Sounds like her unappealing list hit a little too close to home.

Damn right it did. I have had people get frustrated with my lack of ability/willingness to appreciate subtleties many times, and most of the time I come away frustrated in return.

Family, friends, colleagues: lots of them have tried to 'suggest' I do something for them rather than being up front. And they often have the gall to try and make me seem like a jerk for not picking up on it, whether by action or inaction.

People who don't have the balls to flat-out ask me to do something don't deserve whatever they're 'not-asking' for.
 

g_vartan

New member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
61
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Whiny or whiney, not 'whinny'. ;)

lol. Oh intps...

I've never understood how this is a 'bad thing'. What's so bad about wanting people to be forthright? I shouldn't have to decode some abstract subtlety that's meant to mean you want something: if you want something just come out and say it! I think some people tend to imply wanting something instead of explicitly asking in order to save face, to get it without actually asking, which frankly I find it rude and petty....All these years and I never understood why "Hi, I'm 93JC; wanna fuck?" didn't work...

Haha. I dated an immature INTP who I needed to explicitly state what I needed, especially in regards to feelings / emotions. He really had low EQ and had difficulty "decoding" emotions and social cues hence, sometimes unable to provide the appropriate emotional / social reciprocity that the moment required. For example, when we first started going out, he didn't understand that kissing/hugging your partner before one departs is expected, or providing a comforting word/gesture when you're partner is having a bad day is required (he would just stare at me). But to be fair, once you provide the INTP with the "requirements", they make it a point to upload them to their "system", and then not to forget it.

I recently realized that most of my issues with my INTP were due to miscommunication, than incompatibility. Communication is the oil that keeps the NT-NF machine going.
 

WieldingTheSword

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
My $0.02-

Appealing
  • Beautiful mind - full of wisdom, intelligence, and (untapped) talent;
  • A sense of wonder and childlike enthusiasm - like to share the interesting things they've come across with during the day;
  • Funny, quirky, dorky, and kind - if you are one of the lucky few, they strive to make you smile / giggle *all* the time;
  • Honesty and integrity - walking the walk, even when times get tough; first person to "warn" of possible issues, but also the first person to offer to help out in difficult times and also rejoice in your success;
  • Sweet - like to create a few "special" moments full of inside jokes, silly smiles, and meaning;
  • Loyalty - if they promised you something, they will try their hardest to keep it; and
  • Protective (i.e., worries about the silliest things that have a low probability of happening - though very sweet)

Unappealing
  • Could sometimes be immature - i.e., hard to change their mind (if they think they're "right" :rolleyes:), whinny, selfish, and insensitive;
  • Detachment - i.e., hard to follow sometimes (they just give you the conclusion and save you the "calculations"), process emotions or events like a science experiment, but with time held constant - thus, leaving their partner out in the dark and feeling unsupported and ignored;
  • Like an absentminded professor - forgets events, anniversaries, etc.....if you want something, you have to explicitly ask for it - subtlety isn't their thing...also hampers "romance"; and
  • Restless - seem to be always unhappy with something and tend to have a pessimistic PoV.

I found this list really funny since we both are ENFJ's and did our format near identically. ;)
 

WieldingTheSword

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
Damn right it did. I have had people get frustrated with my lack of ability/willingness to appreciate subtleties many times, and most of the time I come away frustrated in return.

Family, friends, colleagues: lots of them have tried to 'suggest' I do something for them rather than being up front. And they often have the gall to try and make me seem like a jerk for not picking up on it, whether by action or inaction.

People who don't have the balls to flat-out ask me to do something don't deserve whatever they're 'not-asking' for.

Since we are talking about what is or is not appealing to NF's about INTPs (and since we're on the subject of being straight-forward), I'd say this kind of attitude above is one thing that NF's find quite unappealing about them. :dry: Sorry. Just saying.
 

g_vartan

New member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
61
MBTI Type
ENFJ
...

I don't want a memo! I don't want to give a memo that spells out exactly to the letter what I want. I want a mesmerizing painting of you and me, what do we create together that's unique and magical? I want a dance where I don't always lead and you respond!

Exactly. ENFJs, in particular, *love* romance and there is an "artistic" - je ne sais quo quality to developing/sustaining romantic relationships....that deconstructing it into explicit variables or formulas too often sometimes takes out the "magic" from the moment.

I found this list really funny since we both are ENFJ's and did our format near identically. ;)

lol. My NT trained me well. Simple and concise, I strive to be :)
 

LostInNerSpace

New member
Joined
Jan 25, 2008
Messages
1,027
MBTI Type
INTP
  • i.e., hard to change their mind (if they think they're "right" :rolleyes:), whinny, selfish, and insensitive;
Not guilty
  • Detachment - i.e., hard to follow sometimes (they just give you the conclusion and save you the "calculations"), process emotions or events like a science experiment, but with time held constant - thus, leaving their partner out in the dark and feeling unsupported and ignored;
Guilty
  • Like an absentminded professor - forgets events, anniversaries, etc.....if you want something, you have to explicitly ask for it - subtlety isn't their thing...also hampers "romance"; and
Guilty
  • Restless - seem to be always unhappy with something
Guilty
  • and tend to have a pessimistic PoV.
Not Guilty
  • Could sometimes be immature -
Fif.jpg
 

Anja

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Joined
May 2, 2008
Messages
2,967
MBTI Type
INFP
That is a stumbling point for me as well, Wielding. I don't know if it's more common in INTPs than other types. But anyone who says something of the nature "That's just that way I am so adjust to me." doesn't seem willing to have an equal relationship with me and I find it difficult to invest interest in them.
 

WieldingTheSword

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
That is a stumbling point for me as well, Wielding. I don't know if it's more common in INTPs than other types. But anyone who says something of the nature "That's just that way I am so adjust to me." doesn't seem willing to have an equal relationship with me and I find it difficult to invest interest in them.

Yeeeep. Heh. Nothing to add here, really. From my experience, at least, INTJ's do it more than INTP's.
 

93JC

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Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
3,989
Ooh, ouch! But very INTP of you! Good demonstration. :yes:

lol. Oh intps...

Just trying to make sure we're all on the same page. Horses whinny, people are whiney. ;)

It's not bad, it's just not ideal, you're talking to a bunch of idealists! We revel in subtlety, flights of imagination, unpredictability in the area of romance, come on! Why be so reactive? What do you want from me, unhampered by my request?

I don't want a memo! I don't want to give a memo that spells out exactly to the letter what I want. I want a mesmerizing painting of you and me, what do we create together that's unique and magical? I want a dance where I don't always lead and you respond!

You're just talking romance though: I'm talking about it in a greater sense. I'll feign an ability to read subtleties in the interests of romance, because even if the relationship isn't emotionally or intellectually stimulating or gratifying there's an outside chance I'd get laid.

But for instance if you want me to take out the garbage I'd rather you politely asked "93JC, will you please take out the garbage?" once than said something like "You know 93JC, that garbage can seems to be getting quite full..." Don't try to weasel me into doing it, just ask!! :ranting:

Haha. I dated an immature INTP who I needed to explicitly state what I needed, especially in regards to feelings / emotions. He really had low EQ and had difficulty "decoding" emotions and social cues hence, sometimes unable to provide the appropriate emotional / social reciprocity that the moment required. For example, when we first started going out, he didn't understand that kissing/hugging your partner before one departs is expected, or providing a comforting word or two when you're partner is having a bad day is required.

Low 'EQ'? I guess that's somewhat nicer than saying "The guy was a complete boob." :laugh:

But to be fair, once you provide the INTP with the "requirements", they make it a point to upload them to their "system", and then not to forget it.

I recently realized that most of my issues with my INTP were due to miscommunication, than incompatibility. Communication is the oil that keeps the NT-NF machine going.


:yes: Exactly!

In some way you must appreciate the simplicity and honesty. You don't have to play psychological games to get something you want out of a relationship, any relationship, with us.

I know where you're coming from: eventually you get close enough with someone that you come to expect you don't need to ask for something anymore, and would rather your need was satisfied with mere suggestion. Point being we (or at least I) feel you don't have to jump through hoops inventing a way of implying to get us to do something: all you have to do is ask.

Surely somebody can appreciate that...?
 

WieldingTheSword

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Messages
79
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INFJ
Enneagram
2
Just trying to make sure we're all on the same page. Horses whinny, people are whiney. ;)



You're just talking romance though: I'm talking about it in a greater sense. I'll feign an ability to read subtleties in the interests of romance, because even if the relationship isn't emotionally or intellectually stimulating or gratifying there's an outside chance I'd get laid.

But for instance if you want me to take out the garbage I'd rather you politely asked "93JC, will you please take out the garbage?" once than said something like "You know 93JC, that garbage can seems to be getting quite full..." Don't try to weasel me into doing it, just ask!! :ranting:



Low 'EQ'? I guess that's somewhat nicer than saying "The guy was a complete boob." :laugh:




:yes: Exactly!

In some way you must appreciate the simplicity and honesty. You don't have to play psychological games to get something you want out of a relationship, any relationship, with us.

I know where you're coming from: eventually you get close enough with someone that you come to expect you don't need to ask for something anymore, and would rather your need was satisfied with mere suggestion. Point being we (or at least I) feel you don't have to jump through hoops inventing a way of implying to get us to do something: all you have to do is ask.

Surely somebody can appreciate that...?

I think I appreciate it; I don't mind being blunt and straight-forward when I want certain things done. I've come to see, though, that if I am NOT like that, it is usually because I do it to soften a blow and make it sound less harsh in my mind. Even though I know an NT won't mind (and would even PREFER) the blunt statement, I seem to soften it for my own sake.

This still doesn't eliminate the way NF's tend to feel when we have to deal with NT's constantly being blunt with US.
 

93JC

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Dec 17, 2008
Messages
3,989
Since we are talking about what is or is not appealing to NF's about INTPs (and since we're on the subject of being straight-forward), I'd say this kind of attitude above is one thing that NF's find quite unappealing about them. :dry: Sorry. Just saying.

And INTPs will never understand why.

Oh well, guess we'll just have to agree you're wrong and move on. :D

What was that thing you were saying about being stubborn?

That is a stumbling point for me as well, Wielding. I don't know if it's more common in INTPs than other types. But anyone who says something of the nature "That's just that way I am so adjust to me." doesn't seem willing to have an equal relationship with me and I find it difficult to invest interest in them.

More like "That's just the way I am so take it or leave it." Actually, not so strongly worded. More of a subtle (;)) "This is the way I am, just trying to give you fair warning, get out now if you expect wholesale change."

I would never be as presumptuous to expect someone to 'adjust to me'. That's just rude.
 

Jack Flak

Permabanned
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Jul 17, 2008
Messages
9,098
MBTI Type
type
My $0.02-

Appealing
  • Beautiful mind - full of wisdom, intelligence, and (untapped) talent;
  • A sense of wonder and childlike enthusiasm - like to share the interesting things they've come across with during the day;
  • Funny, quirky, dorky, and kind - if you are one of the lucky few, they strive to make you smile / giggle *all* the time;
  • Honesty and integrity - walking the walk, even when times get tough; first person to "warn" of possible issues, but also the first person to offer to help out in difficult times and also rejoice in your success;
  • Sweet - like to create a few "special" moments full of inside jokes, silly smiles, and meaning;
  • Loyalty - if they promised you something, they will try their hardest to keep it; and
  • Protective (i.e., worries about the silliest things that have a low probability of happening - though very sweet)

Unappealing
  • Could sometimes be immature - i.e., hard to change their mind (if they think they're "right" :rolleyes:), whinny, selfish, and insensitive;
  • Detachment - i.e., hard to follow sometimes (they just give you the conclusion and save you the "calculations"), process emotions or events like a science experiment, but with time held constant - thus, leaving their partner out in the dark and feeling unsupported and ignored;
  • Like an absentminded professor - forgets events, anniversaries, etc.....if you want something, you have to explicitly ask for it - subtlety isn't their thing...also hampers "romance"; and
  • Restless - seem to be always unhappy with something and tend to have a pessimistic PoV.
Yeah, true except the "Unappealing" section. That's just me though, I dunno about other INTPs. *eats apple* I didn't read it, by the way.
 

93JC

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
3,989
I think I appreciate it; I don't mind being blunt and straight-forward when I want certain things done. I've come to see, though, that if I am NOT like that, it is usually because I do it to soften a blow and make it sound less harsh in my mind. Even though I know an NT won't mind (and would even PREFER) the blunt statement, I seem to soften it for my own sake.

I never did figure out how or why NFs made themselves feel bad by saying something in a too-matter-of-fact manner. "Softening the blow" is fine, I do it too, but you'll tend to soften every blow even if it doesn't matter.

Somehow it ends up being another reason why we like you mushy, feely types sometimes. :wubbie:

This still doesn't eliminate the way NF's tend to feel when we have to deal with NT's constantly being blunt with US.

The more adept among us (NTs) learn to moderate it, I think. Unfortunately INTPs seem to be least adept of the NTs. :D
 

93JC

Active member
Joined
Dec 17, 2008
Messages
3,989
Yeah, true except the "Unappealing" section. That's just me though, I dunno about other INTPs. *eats apple* I didn't read it, by the way.

You didn't miss much: they hate that we're right all the time, something about forgetting stuff... I don't remember exactly.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
Joined
Nov 21, 2008
Messages
7,708
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
738
Yeah, true except the "Unappealing" section. That's just me though, I dunno about other INTPs. *eats apple* I didn't read it, by the way.
That post was totally awesome. :wubbie:
 

WieldingTheSword

New member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
You didn't miss much: they hate that we're right all the time, something about forgetting stuff... I don't remember exactly.

LOL! ^_^

And there go the INTPs being cute all over again! Ugh! It's such a predicament to be so adorable and so annoying simultaneously like you are! :)
 
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