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[MBTI General] Hurting feelings of other people

Virtual ghost

Complex paradigm
Joined
Jun 6, 2008
Messages
19,723
I have one question for NFs (and SFs) I know that I made one similar thread here not so long ago but I think this one will be more to the point.


I know that it is not OK to hurt peoples feeling, especially on purpose.


But to me it looks that there is a fear or even paranoia that you will hurt someone. I know that when I talk to someone, they can say things like "But that could hurt his/her feelings!" about the third party.


Why do you so much care not to hurt someone, that you will even put some bigger things in a risky situation?

Do you do it because you know how would you feel in their situation and base desicion on that?

Why would you find nonemotional reaction in highly emotion situations disturbing? From what I have seen Fs have this tendency and exactly in this kind of situations you can see how much T I am.
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
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INTJ
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5/8
While not within the type parameters you're looking for, I can tell you that I would prefer to not hurt the feelings of others -- irrespective of their relationship to me.

Empathy is a description of the psychological extent to which the individual recognizes the suffering of others. Compassion, the description of physical behavior one enacts as a result of empathetic pain. The difference is in how one decides to act.

I dislike feeling pain. I imagine others share this perspective. Therefore, I will work to avoid unnecessarily inflicting pain on others, as I desire others to avoid unnecessarily inflicting pain upon me.
 

runvardh

にゃん
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I'm finding less and less reason to apologize and my incidence of causing acidental spills are staying about the same. I figure the less I bow the less people will expect me to. I still need to work on myself though; I still have too many emotional knee jerk reactions for my liking.

When it comes to a highly emotional situation and someone is seemingly non-emotional, I think it would be a comfort for me than anything else. It's when they start ribbing on the other people who are worse off than me that gets me mad; but that's typically out of not wanting to hear about it. Got enough drama in the air, don't need more, and it tends to be both parties that draw my ire, then.
 

quietmusician

New member
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Nov 29, 2008
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INFJ
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When it comes to a highly emotional situation and someone is seemingly non-emotional, I think it would be a comfort for me than anything else. It's when they start ribbing on the other people who are worse off than me that gets me mad; but that's typically out of not wanting to hear about it. Got enough drama in the air, don't need more, and it tends to be both parties that draw my ire, then.

Same here. I loathe drama.
 

Lady_X

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i'm usually pretty concerned with hurting someone's feelings and i don't like to witness others getting their feelings hurt either and really can't help but stick up for someone if i feel they were hurt or treated poorly in any way...i can't explain that. it's just instinct. i am unbelievably polite to everyone always. it doesn't matter how well or how long i've known you. it's important to me to treat people with respect and consideration and to communicate effectively...but...the opposite of that is my sense of humor...i can play mean or talk shit or whatever with my friends..and i don't worry about hurting their feelings in this context nor do i easily get my feelings hurt....and i joke a lot.

so...situations where i would be concerned about someone's feelings getting hurt would be first miscommunication...was i joking and they didn't get it and just thought i was being mean? so...i would try to clear that up and aplogize.

another one would be...if someone was talking down to someone else...that bothers me quite a lot. i think people deserve to be talked to as equals.

or..if someone was being dismissive...that feels disrespectful and i think everyone deserves better then that.

or...someone not being open and listening as much as talking...discussions should be two way.

so basically for me it just comes down to basic manners and treating people respectfully.
 

Nighthawk

New member
Joined
May 23, 2007
Messages
423
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INTP
Same here. I loathe drama.

Likewise. Drama shuts me down like a light switch. All I can think about is escaping. I no longer think of not hurting feelings, only of getting away. Other than that, I am often cautious to a fault not to hurt people. I've learned through extensive trial and error what is, and what is not, appropriate ... usually in terms of the spoken word.
 

runvardh

にゃん
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Well, the other thing is, I don't want other people to deal with my drama either! I actually get bitched at for disapearing to keep everyone from having to deal with it. At that point I let them know to either deal with it or get their nose out of my business. Problem solvers are great afterward, but that's afterward.
 

Nonsensical

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I always feel that I'm hurting someones feelings one way or another..but people tell me that others aren't always as sensative as me. It drives me crazy..
 

Sunshine

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Why do you so much care not to hurt someone, that you will even put some bigger things in a risky situation?


Anyone with a brain looks at the whole pictue and acts accordingly.


As for the other things you said... it's called consideration, compassion, sympathy, and empathy. Most of us would see that as beautiful, admirable and generally a good thing.
 

redacted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 28, 2007
Messages
4,223
Any mature person would know not to sacrifice the long-term for a short-term illusion of contentment.

I could say "Ts are too unconcerned with feelings; they sacrifice potential good relationships (defined by mutual benefit) because they resent the reality that all people have feelings."

Gotta find a balance. Too blunt and you push people away (which is really just being scared of relationships). Too gentile and you create false relationships (which is also being scared -- scared of getting too close to someone).
 

Sunshine

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lol. Yeah Eavan said it better.

Any mature person knows to do what's best in the long run even if it requires sacrifices in the present.
 

Cenomite

Systematic chaos
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Likewise. Drama shuts me down like a light switch. All I can think about is escaping. I no longer think of not hurting feelings, only of getting away. Other than that, I am often cautious to a fault not to hurt people. I've learned through extensive trial and error what is, and what is not, appropriate ... usually in terms of the spoken word.

Just joining all the people who hate drama. That's a sure-fire way to set me off.

I'm usually not necessarily worried about hurting others feelings, but worried that they'll take something I say the wrong way. I don't like hurting people's feelings unless I mean to (which isn't very often). I always try and make sure that people know I'm joking so they don't take it the wrong way.
 

nozflubber

DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
Joined
Mar 30, 2008
Messages
2,078
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Hype
But to me it looks that there is a fear or even paranoia that you will hurt someone.

I've had this happen to me before and quite frankly it pisses me off. An INFP I used to have a thing for absolutely refuses to tell me that she's not moved on cuz she "doesn't want a relationship right now". highly unlikely as she's the cutest, ditziest blonde you could ever meet!

And it's like i've told her straight up, yanno its great if you did find someone... and it's true because she's just the kind of woman that almost NEEDS to be in a relationship to be stable at all. (bipolar and really up and down)

Way, way overprotective (I like how you say even Paranoid) about the emotions of others.... just hit me with the truth we both already know! shit :p
 
G

garbage

Guest
Echoing what others have said.. but from a purely practical perspective :)

If I disregard someone's feelings just so that I can enjoy the convenience of being able to communicate directly with them, they're not going to be around me for very long. If they've got potential to be a long-term resource in my life, I'm going against my greater goals if I just communicate bluntly to them all the time without personalizing what I say first.

Thus, I can imagine being afraid of losing someone and overcompensating when trying to take their feelings into account.. a certain paranoia. I've certainly been there before.

Don't get me wrong.. empathy also plays into it for me, but to a lesser degree.
 

Virtual ghost

Complex paradigm
Joined
Jun 6, 2008
Messages
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Anyone with a brain looks at the whole pictue and acts accordingly.


As for the other things you said... it's called consideration, compassion, sympathy, and empathy. Most of us would see that as beautiful, admirable and generally a good thing.

Any mature person would know not to sacrifice the long-term for a short-term illusion of contentment.

I could say "Ts are too unconcerned with feelings; they sacrifice potential good relationships (defined by mutual benefit) because they resent the reality that all people have feelings."

Gotta find a balance. Too blunt and you push people away (which is really just being scared of relationships). Too gentile and you create false relationships (which is also being scared -- scared of getting too close to someone).

This is interesting since I think that sacrifice of other persons feeling is a good thing if by doing it you are moving toward a long term objectives.


What I am tring to say it that sometimes this is the only way to get a job done. Yes it is brutal in a way but both sides will have some benefit in the end. I prefer not to be too blunt since that could decrease the chance of sucess and create long term problems.
 

BerberElla

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Sep 25, 2008
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infp
Why do you so much care not to hurt someone, that you will even put some bigger things in a risky situation?

Do you do it because you know how would you feel in their situation and base desicion on that?

Yes, I do it because I know how I would feel in their shoes, I hate feeling emotional hurt and if I can protect someone against that I will try my hardest, even so far as putting myself in miserable situations that cause me emotional pain, I mean less so now because now I try to protect myself first, but I used to be overly sacrificing to protect anothers emotions.

At least now I know that some people can handle it better than I can, so I can step back and place more value on my own feelings these days.

Why would you find nonemotional reaction in highly emotion situations disturbing? From what I have seen Fs have this tendency and exactly in this kind of situations you can see how much T I am.

I have to admit, before type awareness I did used to think "how can that person be so cold about this" in a situation that was emotionally charged. I wish I knew then what I know now because I would have kept some freinds who came off as cold, because I would have understood why they did it better.

Now I find myself explaining their behaviour to others who are baffled when they see it, and making them aware that some people process emotions differently.

It has really helped me to understand that behaviour which actually protects me from feeling unnecessary emotional hurt myself.

This crazy world of feelings huh? :cry:
 

redacted

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Joined
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Messages
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This is interesting since I think that sacrifice of other persons feeling is a good thing if by doing it you are moving toward a long term objectives.


What I am tring to say it that sometimes this is the only way to get a job done. Yes it is brutal in a way but both sides will have some benefit in the end. I prefer not to be too blunt since that could decrease the chance of sucess and create long term problems.

If it's the only way to get the job done (and the job is important), you're weak not to do it.

I don't think any NFs will disagree with this.

I think we have the same stance, just a bit of a different strategy. I probably try much harder than you do to cater to the feelings of others because I know that it puts me in a better situation in the long term (it makes them more likely to want to do things for me).
 

BlueScreen

Fail 2.0
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Nov 8, 2008
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YMCA
I believe NFs are actually better at hurting feelings than Ts. Ts tend to hurt feelings by being insensitive and stuff, but with NFs feeling is more their domain. It's like comparing a knight approaching with a sword to a child approaching with one. The child might be scary because they aren't used to wielding a sword, and have little respect for the rules of battle, but if the knight is angry I know which one I would rather.
 

redacted

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I believe NFs are actually better at hurting feelings than Ts. Ts tend to hurt feelings by being insensitive and stuff, but with NFs feeling is more their domain. It's like comparing a knight approaching with a sword to a child approaching with one. The child might be scary because they aren't used to wielding a sword, and have little respect for the rules of battle, but if the knight is angry I know which one I would rather.

True true.

Although I wouldn't use such a strong analogy...
 
G

garbage

Guest
I believe NFs are actually better at hurting feelings than Ts. Ts tend to hurt feelings by being insensitive and stuff, but with NFs feeling is more their domain. It's like comparing a knight approaching with a sword to a child approaching with one. The child might be scary because they aren't used to wielding a sword, and have little respect for the rules of battle, but if the knight is angry I know which one I would rather.

Not only can you actually control your sword and aim straight for the heart, you can also get the opposing knight to shed his armor to make the job even easier.

You guys know how to get people to become vulnerable and open up to you instantly, somehow.
 
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