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[NF] Feeling terrible whenever I make a mistake

Silence11

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Nov 17, 2008
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This happens to me sometimes. I think it's because we have an idealized vision of ourselves, and whenever we do something that conflicts with that image, it calls everything into question: "If I am not that image of perfection, I must be something else... something lame and bad." When other people see our non-ideal self, you've got an additional layer of embarrassment to go with it along with corroboration for the conclusion that we're not ideal. That's my theory, at least.

You can overcome this by accepting yourself for the imperfect being you are.
...good luck with that. :alttongue:

NF's are the perfectionists of the world as I understand it. I agree with what's being said here. It's the dark side of demanding perfection... that nothing quite measures up, including yourself. Therefore I think NF's in general probably tend to be hard on themselves, though I think that it's more likely to be found in INF's who are naturally more reflective.

This strikes a cord for me personally just because I have been an awful critic of myself in the past - totally, unrealistically intollerant of shortcomings. It's something that I have tried to work on.
 

Nonsensical

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I guess I'm kind of use to making mistakes, because I make quite a bit of them, but I think that they don't hurt me, and I don't mind being wrong or making mistakes. I feel that it will help me to become more wise.
 

faith

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Apr 25, 2007
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Sometimes I do something that isn't technically a mistake, but after I do it, I learn that other people wish I'd have done it differently. Then I feel guilty that I didn't please the other person/people, and annoyed that they didn't tell me HOW to please them from the beginning.

I have to keep reminding myself that I must allow people to disagree with me and be okay with it. We aren't all the same, celebrate the differences, etc., etc. In other words, the effect of not someone not being pleased is a result of our differences (which can be a good thing), not of my general insufficiencies.
 

kiddykat

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I think it's b/c we tend to expect a lot from ourselves, and feel REALLY guilty when we let others down because of our own mistakes.

It's good to say: "It's okay. I'm only human. We're imperfect."

If we were perfect, we would be robots. Even robots have malfunctions, deviations and shelf life. :laugh:
 

dee

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That video was great.. . absolutely funny.


NF's are the perfectionists of the world as I understand it. I agree with what's being said here. It's the dark side of demanding perfection... that nothing quite measures up, including yourself. Therefore I think NF's in general probably tend to be hard on themselves, though I think that it's more likely to be found in INF's who are naturally more reflective.

Totally, I am such a perfectionist, I hate it, I just want to be happy with me, and all of me, ok so I can get angry sometimes, this problem with myself makes me hate me sometimes...
I just have to be more tolerant of myself, and I'm sure it would help me be more tolerant of other people's (especially close family's) shortcomings....
I think when I see shortcomings in my family, I feel like it's my fault they are this way.

I mean it's true to a certain extent, especially with our children, but besides conditioning we have to realize that kids have their own personality, and he or she would have been (for example) more tend to pessimism no matter how we would have raised them..

Anyway, Lets all try to"embrace" our imperfections or mistakes, we are still great!

To whoever that sounds ridiculous, thats especially for you (and me) ! :)
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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I think it's VERY VERY normal to feel all of what you described. I think it would be called shame, which is common too. One way I have started to work with shame is to assess what led to the deficiency in character objectively, to see that there were factors beyond my control that led to who I today. Maybe it'd work for you too.
 

dee

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I think it's VERY VERY normal to feel all of what you described. I think it would be called shame, which is common too. One way I have started to work with shame is to assess what led to the deficiency in character objectively, to see that there were factors beyond my control that led to who I today. Maybe it'd work for you too.

Thanks, Yes that would seem to work.
But I don't understand this well enough, what can cause shame?

Can I be ashamed because I haven't lived up to being the good person I want to be??
The good mom, wife, friend, contibuter to society, etc, etc, ?




All the Best, dee
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Thanks, Yes that would seem to work.
But I don't understand this well enough, what can cause shame?

Can I be ashamed because I haven't lived up to being the good person I want to be??
The good mom, wife, friend, contibuter to society, etc, etc, ?

I think of shame as taking something you don't like about yourself and blaming yourself in a global way - global meaning "I'm defective" rather than "I have this defect but I'm otherwise in tact". You can feel shame about anything you don't like about yourself that you turn onto yourself.

What causes shame? I really don't know. Maybe it has something to do with the strength with which feelings of failure or despair are felt. Maybe it has to do with the language parents use with their children (assigning global attributes) or maybe it's something that builds over time when people start selling themselves out and give up on themselves and their integrity.

Do you think you might be feeling ashamed for having shame? It could get pretty twisted.
 

dee

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Do you think you might be feeling ashamed for having shame? It could get pretty twisted.

Lol, yes it can!, ;) I have found that on my journey to understanding myself and trying to become a better person, that the more I analyze myself the worse I feel!!
I mean when I try to be less self-absorbed it is usually better for me.
But, if I can learn something about myself, then step back and see things in the bigger picture, that can be good.

My main defect being - I think (in the back of my mind) that I am defected.

So if I can just get over that... :cheese:

Also I just expect more of myself, it's hard for me to just be happy with my likes and the things I do.

All the Best, dee
 

Lozzy

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Dec 22, 2008
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dee said:
What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

I recently made a mistake with someone close to me. I was insensitive with her, and she totally flew off the handle. She didn't talk to me for over a week. Looking back on the situation *rationally*, I can see it as an overreaction on her part, and everyone I know tells me the same thing. But I still can't shake the feeling of guilt and shame that I wasn't a better person. I am awful with conflict, and it really tore me apart. It's really tough to move past that stuff sometimes (I still play it over in my mind now, a month later :(), but I guess I can only echo what other people have said earlier in the thread: we are all imperfect. :yes:

Silence11 said:
NF's are the perfectionists of the world as I understand it.

Oh God yes! :D
 
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ThatsWhatHeSaid

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I'm reading an awesome book now called Radical Acceptance. I think you'd like it. If anything, just read the first chapter at Barnes & Noble. It's a quick read, but really profound and illuminating.
 

The Third Rider

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Ah yes the perfectionist syndrome I suffer from this sucker myself.:D Over the years i have worked to not have such irrational standards for both me and other people, heck even for "things" but its not easy. There are times that without really noticing it reality sort of slaps me in the face and I then realise "I did it again".
 

Anja

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I was such a perfectionist in my thirties that I actually made it the theme of an approximately six week mini-therapy to try to get a handle on it.

It was a failure!!!! I tried to rid myself of perfectionism perfectly, of course.

Presently I've racked up enough mistakes in my life that I have been forced to let them go more easily or by now I'd have a pretty big bag of garbage on my shoulders.

Yet, if I make a mistake, usually with my mouth, which causes hurt to someone that mistake still is difficult to accept.
 

lillyofthevalley

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Thanks everyone,
yes I think I look to others to feel validated, as if without others approval I am not worth anything...

So if I ever make a mistake, which of course I do from time to time, as I am human, I feel extremely vulnerable, as if the whole world or at least anyone that knows I have done this mistake, is now having a major conference, if what "they" have thought all along is true- i.e- dee relly is worthless!!! "Proof" so to speak...

Ok, weird..., now that I realize that on a deeper level, what do I do, how can I stop the "viscious cycle?"

I just want to be happy as myself and not need the validation of others ever.

Advice for the first little step I (or others with the same problem) can take?

'Freedom From The Ties That Bind' by Guy Finlely. Check it out at your library. This book helped me sooooooo much! I don't suffer like I did before when I make mistakes, and I don't beat myself up anymore.
 

Skyward

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I definitely feel this, but really only when it's when I'm working with another person or their items.

The time I remember the best, for obvious reasons, is when I accidently completely ruined the passenger side door and passenger rearview mirror on the car my dad lets me use all the time. I felt so bad about it, thankfully my parents are the silly supporting type: "Well your cousin ((ENTP)) totaled his first car." or "Well at least you did this at home with one of our cars and not out and about or with someone else's car."

Come to find out that when we got to that cousin's house, his new car had both rearview mirrors broken (one by him, the other by his mom). I finally felt complete relief over the incident. It doesn't help that my INTP friend doesn't trust my driving anymore...
 

lillyofthevalley

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Yet, if I make a mistake, usually with my mouth, which causes hurt to someone that mistake still is difficult to accept.

I've become so careful about this, and I'm not likely to gossip as well, but I'll be damned for doing it yesterday...jeeze!! I was in a store and I know a few people that work there. I inquired if someone I knew was still working there but was told she had quit. I knew she didn't like her boss, so I asked if she had quit because of the boss. Who do you suppose was right behind me when I said that!
 

LightSun

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#9
feeling terrible

Yes, I feel terrible when I make a mistake. I am INFP. I suppose I could psycho analyze
myself. My dad called me an idiot. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I just got negative
reinforcement. I was never positively praised, good job, your smart et al. Why does the
original thread in my life have to then keep replaying over and over in my lifetime.
Has any NF come from a nurturing, & positive reinforcement family?
 

Sparrow

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I feel like crap when I mess up too. I thought to myself one day, why do I care so much about what other people think, I guessed that it was a learned behavior from my child hood. I remember playing outside as a child, coming home with a scraped arm, i got no kisses to make it better...instead I got a scolding. Made me not want to screw up anymore....I wanted to please my mom.
 
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