[NF] Feeling terrible whenever I make a mistake

[CzeCze]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

Bah, me too.

I'm gonna read over this thread to mull over the responses.

 

[musicnerd93]

I always feel bad about messing up. :/ And no matter how many times I apologize or the person forgives me, it still upsets me.

 

[Vasilisa]

Thanks everyone,
yes I think I look to others to feel validated, as if without others approval I am not worth anything...

So if I ever make a mistake, which of course I do from time to time, as I am human, I feel extremely vulnerable, as if the whole world or at least anyone that knows I have done this mistake, is now having a major conference, if what "they" have thought all along is true- i.e- dee relly is worthless!!! "Proof" so to speak...

Ok, weird..., now that I realize that on a deeper level, what do I do, how can I stop the "viscious cycle?"

I just want to be happy as myself and not need the validation of others ever.

Advice for the first little step I (or others with the same problem) can take?

It doesn't even have to be a mistake. I wrote a post in this thread where I basically express a feeling similar to this except about my appearance. But for me it is not always about others, its within. I do feel really bad if a choice is up to me and I choose poorly (um, not as bad as this guy, but just about). Perfect example: restaurant choice is up to me, we go, and it sucks for whatever reason. I feel tore up inside about something so inconsequential and have to watch myself to keep from apologizing so profusely to the point that its annoying people. In that case, most likely nobody else is blaming me. It is coming from inside, this feeling of guilt about having made a poor choice. I feel like I should just know the right answer, should always just choose right naturally. I often do, but when I don't... it's tough.

 

[*poke*]

I grew up in a very supportive and nurturing family, which was pretty forgiving of mistakes although frustratingly quick to try to teach lessons from them without much acknowledgment that of course I regretted them and decided not to do it again.

 

[cfs1992]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

Think "Every human being makes mistakes, I'm not perfect nor anyone else!" and try to forget it!

 

[Pixelholic]

I have the same problem, no matter what I do I feel like an abject failure at whatever.

I could win a nobel fucking prize and I'd be up at the podium apologizing for every bad thing that ever happened to anyone as though I was personally responsible.

 

[skylights]

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

argh people making fun of me when i mess up on stupid little things is one of my biggest pet peeves ever. so i pulled the zipper the wrong direction, or i left my hair dryer at home. seriously, it's not that big of a deal. i give myself a hard enough time already, why you gotta be judging me too, and on things that, in the long run, are not going to matter?! :steam:

i think part of it is being an NFP and always having my thoughts on the not-practicalities, which causes me to err in the detail realm more often.

anyway, also, i grew up in a loving family but my dad (INTP i think) is very critical. he thinks he's doing a you a favor and that objective "constructive" criticism is always welcome. he was much better about not doing this when i was really little, but as soon as i got to be a teenager he became more critical. i dunno if he understood that if you are telling a teen - ESPECIALLY an NF - about how they are wrong all the time and need to change, while assuming that love and pride are tacitly understood, you are not going to help that teen's self-confidence. especially when it relies so much on what others think of her already.

i am good friends with a person (also NF) who is rather critical now and i used to get rather pissed off at her for critiquing me all the time. the thing i didn't realize for quite a while was that she's even more critical of herself than she is of me. so more for her and less being annoyed for me

 

[garbage]

ugh

Yeah, I can't help the mindset that my mistakes portray me in a negative light and that I'm just an incapable person whenever I mess something up. As much as I'm loathe to admit it, I'm a perfectionist when it comes to myself and most anything that I do. I've only recently been able to let the smaller 'mistakes' slide.

I feel like my life is my responsibility, and anything that I do or take on is an extension of myself. It doesn't matter whether something is difficult, or if I've never done it before, or if it's the result of an unforeseeable circumstance--I've got to do it, and I've got to do it right. Often, I go without asking for help or advice, because, well, I'm the one who has to take control for my own well-being.


The worst kinds of mistakes, in my eyes, are: (a) repeating the same mistake a second time, (b) making mistakes that affect other people, and (c) making mistakes that other people have to help 'clean up'. I can absolutely never forgive myself for those kinds of mistakes, as there's 'no excuse' for them.

 

[Alchemiss]

I've experienced this a lot as well. I remember beating myself up for not loading the dishwasher "right" many years ago. What helped me tremendously is the book "What You Think of Me is None of My Business" by Terry Cole-Whittaker. It's a little, inexpensive paperback published in 1979 (no typo) that's still relevant decades later. I read it for the first time earlier this year and have read it a few times since then. This book is partially responsible for me being able to quit my job of nineteen years in order to pursue a career that speaks to me on a soul level.

Also, trying holding either ring finger while breathing consciously. This finger harmonizes grief and guilt and I've found it powerful when I've felt remorse over something I've done.

Many blessings,
Alchemiss

 

[mochajava]

I'm reading an awesome book now called Radical Acceptance. I think you'd like it. If anything, just read the first chapter at Barnes & Noble. It's a quick read, but really profound and illuminating.

So happy you brought this up -- I was just thinking of it. The author is Tara Brach, and she has a fantastic weekly podcast. It's meditation, accepting yourself, and a lot of it helps you deal with being extremely self-critical (which most of us are, to varying degrees, and I am seeing that notion affirmed in this forum). The podcast is her weekly Dharma talk given to a group in Bethesda, MD and it is part Buddhism with some psychology thrown in. You might like it -- it's not cheesy and (just my opinion) feels more authentic than anything self-help and is free from new age lingo (again, adding my opinion in).

 

[mochajava]

Yes, I feel terrible when I make a mistake. I am INFP. I suppose I could psycho analyze
myself. My dad called me an idiot. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I just got negative
reinforcement. I was never positively praised, good job, your smart et al. Why does the
original thread in my life have to then keep replaying over and over in my lifetime.
Has any NF come from a nurturing, & positive reinforcement family?

Anyone want to discuss guilt over mistakes in the context of family? I came from an incredibly UNsupportive family who would (sometimes literally) beat you up for mistakes you made, then a few that you could possibly make / might have made, and in my Dad's case, that he imagined you'd made.

Specific question to you all: has anyone (NF types, especially) experienced and overcome this? Or at least made some progress? What helped? What helps?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

So happy you brought this up -- I was just thinking of it. The author is Tara Brach, and she has a fantastic weekly podcast. It's meditation, accepting yourself, and a lot of it helps you deal with being extremely self-critical (which most of us are, to varying degrees, and I am seeing that notion affirmed in this forum). The podcast is her weekly Dharma talk given to a group in Bethesda, MD and it is part Buddhism with some psychology thrown in. You might like it -- it's not cheesy and (just my opinion) feels more authentic than anything self-help and is free from new age lingo (again, adding my opinion in).

I listen to them too on occasion. Her voice is a meditation tool itself. So soothing and light. Who else do you read/follow/learn from?

 

[mochajava]

@xNTP - I hope I wrote this message such that it appeared as a reply for you. I'm new, so do feel free to give me pointers/tips about technically working this forum.

Your question - reading/following/learning:
-I love Robyn Posin and her writings. I've posted the link before, and it's Welcome to For The Little Ones Inside - Home Page I have a feeling she might be an INFJ with a very emotionally damaged Mom. Definitely a big old "I" and "F", oh, and she is a psychotherapist. She writes in a way that you can understand and relate to how she processes her experiences in a constructive way (difficult for me).
-SARK - sarkplanet.com Her web presence doesn't offer much at all, but her books are motivating and happy and a good pick-me-up. She's a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and - you guessed it - does therapy/workshops as well.

How about you xNTP? Who do you keep up with? I find this forum very helpful too

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I read buddhist texts, sutras, taoist writings, and books by meditation teachers like Kornfield and Ajahn Chah and lately Kapleau.

 

[mochajava]

@xNTP Do you have a meditation routine?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

@xNTP Do you have a meditation routine?

Yes. I sit and see what's happening and look out for any urges to make "progress" and recognize them. I just try to be honest with what's happening with my body and feelings. When thought come up I know they're trying too distract me from honesty, so I tell them too STFU. 25 minutes every morning. You?

 

[mochajava]

I keep starting and stopping. Earlier this summer I had one, now I just do "check-ins" during the day to look inward and see what needs tending to. I'm very into exercise though.

And to remind myself to be honest. Too often I want to like someone/something and just DON'T -- that type of honesty with myself.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

It's really annoying to sit down because my mind is usually racing at 130 mph, but I always feel grateful afterwards. You should try it for a week straight. I do the check-ins too pretty constantly. I'm glad you do too.

 

[mochajava]

I think I will get back into meditation. Maybe it's just an area where I need externally-imposed discipline (that is, a group).

 

[KLessard]

What can be the deep rooted reason for an NF to feel terrible whenever they make a mistake?
Why do I feel the need to be perfect or else...

I get such a bad feeling whenever I make a mistake, especially if someone is being hostile to me because of it.

It's the worst feeling, I just feel like "I am a terrible person" mantra going through my head. What is that?

How can I get rid of that automatically coming up and feeling that way?

I don't know if this will be any help, but this quote from Hermann Melville encourages me:

"He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great."

Making mistakes leads to greater maturity and wisdom. Mistakes have taught me so much. They teach you what theory cannot teach you. They also break your self-rightousness and lead you to true humility if you accept your responsibility.