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[NF] NFs & Displays of Affection

Wild horses

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Joined
Oct 25, 2008
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1,916
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ENFP
I am quite a tactile person but it sometimes gets me into trouble when people get the wrong idea which is sad for me cos I feel that I have to hold myself back and be cautious :(
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
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595
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INFJ
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1w2
With the people I am comfortable touching/showing displays of affection to (not romantic or sexual), I feel so awkward doing it. I worry how people will react to it. I know it'll probably catch them by surprise to suddenly have this reserved, quiet INFJ suddenly hug them out of nowhere. I'm not talking about people I'm really familiar with and normally hug and they reciprocate. Sometimes in my friendships, there will come a point when something just "clicks" and I'll suddenly feel close enough to them that I'm comfortable touching them. At that point I just have this urge to hug them tightly. :hug: Also, since these particular friends aren't expecting me to hug them (b/c they haven't seen that side of me), it's difficult to initiate a hug.

Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.

Am I ever glad I am not the only one feeling like this ! I really hate it when people see hidden sexuality in NF profound affection, because that is not what it means to me either. I even get to wonder if I am doing something wrong feeling so loving. I often feel this urge to hug certain people, as to let all my love and empathy out, and yes, I wonder how they will have it (depending on the person's type -I've made friends with a couple NFs lately, and I hug them no problem). I've had the hugging experience with an NT lately. She was a bit puzzled and unresponsive at first, but now she's got used to it, and she feels okay about it, I think.
 

aufs klo

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Dec 11, 2008
Messages
191
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ENFP
No, I'm not good with the PDA's. I wish I was. I even feel weird hugging my family. I step out of my comfort zone in order to appear more 'regular' from time to time.

Yeah, I'm like this too. I've really only started doing the whole hug thing this past year, and there're only a few people I'll hug.

But there's nothing like a nice firm handshake! Makes a good impression, especially when the other person does a wussy handshake!
 

Neo Genesis

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Oct 7, 2008
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322
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InFp
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4w5
I always need to prep myself before anyone hugs me. And it ALWAYS feels weird. Not so much with girls I like, but when that happens it feels like I'm putting too much into it.
 

LindseyLadybug

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Oct 18, 2008
Messages
202
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INFJ
Am I ever glad I am not the only one feeling like this !

Aww, yay!! :hug:

I really hate it when people see hidden sexuality in NF profound affection, because that is not what it means to me either. I even get to wonder if I am doing something wrong feeling so loving.

Perhaps it is society sexualizing everything. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling so loving. We've believed the lies and become a bunch of robots! JMHO

I often feel this urge to hug certain people, as to let all my love and empathy out

Yes, you just described exactly what it feels like!! If we keep it all inside, they may never know...and we could miss out on connecting with friends.


By the way, the person I was hesitant to hug ended up receiving it warmly. She welcomed it as if she had been waiting this whole time for me to initiate it so she wouldn't invade my "INFJ emotional wall". She hugged me tightly for quite a while. It was nice not to feel rejected and/or feel like I was being "over-empathetic/loving/emotional" There is still hope for people like us! :D Don't give up! Spread the love! lol
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
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Nov 21, 2008
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Some scary stuffs about the 'urge to hug' in here.
I think it's the right time to unveil my project to the world: The Anonymous Hugers, They can help you!

Guys, to me this is like a horror movie, and I'm sure my socially akward little friends will agree (I didn't say intp, You have no proof ANYWAY!).
I can do the whole 'display of coolness' hug, but the real affectionate one makes me feel like I'm being assaulted by a bunch of hungry orphants.
 

briochick

half-nut member
Joined
Dec 14, 2008
Messages
633
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eNFP
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;)
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sx
I don't usually touch/hug people who I'm not close with. I've known someone for over six months and I've just recently started to hug her. I've gotten used to physical affection from my students (loads of hugs and hand holding) but I was really uncomfortable with it at first and each new student has to kind of break through my discomfort (like I'm thinking 'why is this kid hugging me?'). That being said, there are exceptions to the rule, like this guy holding a "free hugs" sign hugged me and it was nice, but really not many. I tried to do a lot of pda with an ex because I thought he wanted it but just ended up feeling exposed and guilty and more "stuck" with him than I ever wanted to be. That being said I am super affectionate with people I am really close with: hugging them, bumping into them, patting their cheek or snuggling or sitting on them, but in total that's about four or five people out of the whole planet.
so....yeah...
 

LindseyLadybug

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Oct 18, 2008
Messages
202
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INFJ
:hug: Thanks, friend.

Some scary stuffs about the 'urge to hug' in here.
I think it's the right time to unveil my project to the word: The Anonymous Hugers, They can help you!

Guys, to me this is like a horror movie, and I'm sure my socially akward little friends will agree (I didn't say intp, You have no proof ANYWAY!).
I can do the whole 'display of coolness' hug, but the real affectionate one makes me feel like I'm being assaulted by a bunch of hungry orphants.

I can usually tell if someone isn't down with hugging...they usually give off a "don't-touch-me" vibe. Previously, I mentioned that the people I feel comfortable hugging are the ones I form a "connection" with. But don't get me wrong, making someone uncomfortable is something I like to avoid. I myself was never into hugging until high school....IDK why. That being said, I'm not the expert so I don't usually initiate hugs. With this particular person, I've seen her hug many people before....she is very generous with her hugs. Otherwise, I probably wouldn't have risked rejection.
 

EcK

The Memes Justify the End
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I can usually tell if someone isn't down with hugging...they usually give off a "don't-touch-me" vibe. Previously, I mentioned that the people I feel comfortable hugging are the ones I form a "connection" with.

ok, just so we're clear, you're not going to hug me.. right ?:huh:

The thing is that when you're straight forward, joking alot and so on, the NF people will tend to do their usual 'meh I'm a psychic' thing and do something like that anyway.:doh:
I use jackets, ppl never hug somebody in a jacket.
 

aufs klo

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Dec 11, 2008
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what a coincidence, i use jackets with razors on them for the same purpose!
 

briochick

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what a coincidence, i use jackets with razors on them for the same purpose!

*grins* just be careful not to fall down or you'll be in a world of pain.
 

Tiltyred

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We open up your jackets so we can get our hands around you inside the jacket ...

*giggles while they run screaming*
 

aufs klo

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*grins* just be careful not to fall down or you'll be in a world of pain.

you mean the ground is in for a world of pain!!! this one's for all the skinned knees and little kids' ruined ice cream cones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *belly flop*
 

briochick

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you mean the ground is in for a world of pain!!! this one's for all the skinned knees and little kids' ruined ice cream cones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *belly flop*

*throws head back and laughs* Yeah, cuz the earth's gonna have some issues with a few little pieces of sharp metal. Ah, but it's the thought that counts. I'm sure it feels sufficiently contrite now.
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
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In emotionally intimate relationships I have no problem with displaying affection physically. In fact, I can't get enough!

But other than that, I don't really see a point in touching. The only person I am always touching in a non-romantic way when I see is my granny. I am either putting my hand on her back while talking to her.. or kissing her on the head.. or holding her hand.

I think that when you love and trust someone, the physical displays of affection come naturally. When you don't trust the person on some level.. and fear rejection or fear coming near to them in general.. as in being vaguely disgusted by the idea.. then you should listen to your instincts and just not do it.
 

phoenix13

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Something gloomy-optimist posted in an INFJ thread once got me thinking about a problem/dilemma I constantly run into.



With the people I am comfortable touching/showing displays of affection to (not romantic or sexual), I feel so awkward doing it. I worry how people will react to it. I know it'll probably catch them by surprise to suddenly have this reserved, quiet INFJ suddenly hug them out of nowhere. I'm not talking about people I'm really familiar with and normally hug and they reciprocate. Sometimes in my friendships, there will come a point when something just "clicks" and I'll suddenly feel close enough to them that I'm comfortable touching them. At that point I just have this urge to hug them tightly. :hug: Also, since these particular friends aren't expecting me to hug them (b/c they haven't seen that side of me), it's difficult to initiate a hug.

Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.

Heh, my INFJ mom is also uncomfortable with hugs. Strangely enough, so am I (my friends get uncomfortable when I hug them because I almost never do).

For the times you want to hug someone but are afraid to, just remember that most people don't view hugs as that big of a deal. It probably won't elicit a strong response, good or bad. Your friends that know you might be caught off guard, but they're your friends, so you can do anything to them and they'll still love you (really... they're surprisingly durable :alttongue:).
 

Desperado44

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Jun 14, 2008
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I just take their lower lip in my mouth and suck :)

Enh...seriously, be yourself...there is only one you....and if you want to hug...HUG...affection is very UNDER rated.....
 

tibby

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Nov 22, 2008
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It is very hard for me to understand why someone really, deeply, at the core --- wouldn't like hugging (and now I'm talking this in CLOSE relationships), cause even though someone is giving off that "a hug, eeeek"- vibe, I just kinda take it as the person is just very guarder, has their walls up or just isn't used to it. The only way to get used to hugging your close ones is by actually doing it, a lot. Someone could even say that some sort of "hug" therapy is in place there :wubbie:

I think I feel this way because I'm extremely guarded, and definately have my own private space so that I can seem very remote physically. I don't like touching or hugging people I don't know well, in order for me to enjoy it it needs to have a true meaning - my way of showing how much I care. I extremely dislike those all polite cheek kisses and hugs with people you barely know :shock: . It would take hell of a lot for me to take the iniative - as I still, despite all this, respect the other persons space too much, and of course there's the fear of rejection.
 

Wild horses

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Oct 25, 2008
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I do like giving people hugs and I am quite a tactile person all around really.... And it's bizzare cos most people respond really well to it even those who profess to being uncomfortable with physical displays of affection.... I have a male friend who is ISTJ and I hugged him the first time he met even after he told me that he "didn't do hugging!" I just couldn't help myself he is the only person who has actively tried to warn me off but it didnt work and he seems to have warmed up to them...
 
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