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[NF] NFs & Displays of Affection

LindseyLadybug

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Oct 18, 2008
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Something gloomy-optimist posted in an INFJ thread once got me thinking about a problem/dilemma I constantly run into.

Does anyone else have this thing with how comfortable they feel with touching people? I get pretty uncomfortable with people I'm not familiar with, but the people I truly care for I sometimes practically smother...
If I am holding hands, leaning on, or hugging someone often, that's almost a sure sign that they're really close to my heart....

With the people I am comfortable touching/showing displays of affection to (not romantic or sexual), I feel so awkward doing it. I worry how people will react to it. I know it'll probably catch them by surprise to suddenly have this reserved, quiet INFJ suddenly hug them out of nowhere. I'm not talking about people I'm really familiar with and normally hug and they reciprocate. Sometimes in my friendships, there will come a point when something just "clicks" and I'll suddenly feel close enough to them that I'm comfortable touching them. At that point I just have this urge to hug them tightly. :hug: Also, since these particular friends aren't expecting me to hug them (b/c they haven't seen that side of me), it's difficult to initiate a hug.

Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
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May 22, 2008
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I'd say yes and no. There are very few people I want to hug but the ones I hug, I hug them wholeheartedly. Sometimes I hug people who aren't my usual huggees (ha! I made up that word) but this usually happens when 1) I am drunk 2) There are some of my huggees around to start a hug-fest.

If I feel the click kind of thingy, I might first try to soften the oh-my-god-he-is-hugging-me effect by touching the person some other way. It might be weird if I just hug someone since I don't even shake hands with people. And the culture here isn't all that touchy so... I don't want to freak people out.
 

Tiltyred

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You can hold your arms out and say "Hug goodbye?" and see if you get a real hug back. If they just humor you, then you know not to offer next time.
 

Lauren Ashley

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Yeah, like gloomy optimist, I'm uncomfortable touching people I don't have a close relationship with. Even then, I still feel awkward unless I initiate the contact. But if you are truly special to me then I go all out.
 
V

violaine

Guest
Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.


Yes, do this. I can't imagine the person you're wanting to hug in the moment would do so but if you don't get the response you want, don't feel you were wrong to try. Or overanalyze their response. It's only by doing those things that INFJ can be free of the fear of rejection. (Which is the nicest freedom. :)) Honestly, I can't imagine a reserved INFJ causing great offence by giving someone a hug.

My NT friend does this when we've bonded over something - he holds his arms out wide and I will give him a hug. So it works. (Otherwise we don't really touch, lol.)

I prefer to hug or be in close physical contact only with a certain vibe. i.e. We are close or the other person is friendly and well intentioned or, as per your example, we bonded over something. I like when a hug or close physical contact really means something. I don't like someone hugging me when they're trying to 'pull' something out of me if that makes sense. Like a friend trying to turn it into more than friendship.
 

LindseyLadybug

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Yes, do this. I can't imagine the person you're wanting to hug in the moment would do so but if you don't get the response you want, don't feel you were wrong to try. Or overanalyze their response. It's only by doing those things that INFJ can be free of the fear of rejection. (Which is the nicest freedom. :)) Honestly, I can't imagine a reserved INFJ causing great offence by giving someone a hug.

Haha! I'm kinda freaked out that you can read my mind like that. lol Well, she is an ENFJ so I probably shouldn't be so worried. I just feel like such a robot when it comes to hugging people for the first time so I'd hate for it to seem like I'm being forced to do it. I think my greatest challenge will be catching her when she's not talking with people....I swear, sometimes it's like trying to catch a fly in a butterfly net!

I prefer to hug or be in close physical contact only with a certain vibe. i.e. We are close or the other person is friendly and well intentioned or, as per your example, we bonded over something. I like when a hug or close physical contact really means something. I don't like someone hugging me when they're trying to 'pull' something out of me if that makes sense. Like a friend trying to turn it into more than friendship.

I agree, I think it has to do with INFJ's need to be authentic...or at least feel like we're authentic.
 

kiddykat

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I know. Those awkward moments, right?

When the situation calls for it, I just dive in and give the person a hug. Even if they're not a real touchy feely person, I'll at least show some sign of support by just being there.

I personally dislike it when people touch me, not unless if it's a "hello" "hi" hug from friends, family and acquaintances. Other than that, I don't mind putting my head on a close friends' shoulder. When it comes to a significant other, I especially Dislike PDAs. Really dislike it. I like private displays of affection much better, and I really don't dig kissing,, holding hands with guys I'm casually 'just seeing.' That's just how I am tho. I like it that way.
 

Silent Stars

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Aside from a few rather disparate hugs, I have yet to really display any physical affection toward anyone. That should be remedied within the next few years, though.
 

cherchair

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NFs and Displays of Affection

Something gloomy-optimist posted in an INFJ thread once got me thinking about a problem/dilemma I constantly run into.



With the people I am comfortable touching/showing displays of affection to (not romantic or sexual), I feel so awkward doing it. I worry how people will react to it. I know it'll probably catch them by surprise to suddenly have this reserved, quiet INFJ suddenly hug them out of nowhere. I'm not talking about people I'm really familiar with and normally hug and they reciprocate. Sometimes in my friendships, there will come a point when something just "clicks" and I'll suddenly feel close enough to them that I'm comfortable touching them. At that point I just have this urge to hug them tightly. :hug: Also, since these particular friends aren't expecting me to hug them (b/c they haven't seen that side of me), it's difficult to initiate a hug.

Do I hold my arms out? Do I say, "I just wanted to give you a hug goodbye?" I hate this awkward feeling because at times I want so badly to reach out to someone (perhaps b/c it's rare to find someone who truly understands, appreciates, connects with, and accepts me) but I have this fear that they'll reject me or it will make them uncomfortable. IDK how else to explain it.

I was wondering if any of the other NFs have this problem and if so, how you deal with it.

Initiating a hug is logistically complicated by the fact that I'm seated and therefore have to reach up. There's also a greater chance of rejection because my wheelchair/disability make some people uncomfortable, so I usually wait for the other person to initiate any displays of affection no matter how I feel.
 

BerberElla

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Sep 25, 2008
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No, I don't like to hug people, even my drunk hugs are distant ones that have ben initiated by other people.

Doesn't matter how close we might be either, my ISFJ friend has been trying to get me to loosen up with the hugs for 5yrs now and she is no closer.

I can't even comfort people who are in distress very well, unless I force myself to give a hug, which I feel really uncomfortable doing the entire time.

The only hugs I give that are not stiff and awkward are to my kids, and my pets, and then I can go all out squeezing them to death in a rush of repressed affection that I can't show the outside world lol.
 

Amargith

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Irl I only hug friends and my bf. And I really need to be comfortable with the person. I have to know them quite well (in order to know that they're ok with this for one) and I have to trust them implicetly, otherwise it's a no go. PDA tend to be more silly and used as a greeting, whereas in private it can sometimes be a tender moment that causes me to hug the person.
 

Midget

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I'm physically affection with really close friends and family...other than that, meh. :p But I do thouroughly enjoy giving and getting hugs from the right people. :)
 

beth21

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It's funny I always assumed that there was something wrong with me as I'm not very affectionate at all... but how can that be ???
 

Lady_X

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i'm really affectionate in relationships and with a few friends that i have that sort of relationship with...but i'm not with people who are more reserved...like my sweet but not especially cuddly infj mom.
 

Simplexity

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Damn it, it seems like all the Fs I know LOVE to give me hugs. I'm always cringing and hiding when it comes time for family get togethers. Especially my NF sisters. Love to overload on the emotions on me because they absolutely love seeing the "WTF is wrong with you, you crazy fool. Get away from me." me look. It makes their day. :dry:
 

Anja

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You know what we're secretly doing, don't you, Aimahn?

We notice you aren't using all the feelings of love and joy you carry so we're sureptitiously stealing them from you. Hee. ;)
 

quietmusician

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No, I'm not good with the PDA's. I wish I was. I even feel weird hugging my family. I step out of my comfort zone in order to appear more 'regular' from time to time.
 

Simplexity

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You know what we're secretly doing, don't you, Aimahn?

We notice you aren't using all the feelings of love and joy you carry so we're sureptitiously stealing them from you. Hee. ;)

Yes you're right I frequently do feel violated... And strangely naked. What sorcery are you guys up too? :thelook:
 
V

violaine

Guest
i'm really affectionate in relationships and with a few friends that i have that sort of relationship with...but i'm not with people who are more reserved...like my sweet but not especially cuddly infj mom.

Awww, E.A. you seem sooo 'huggable'.

I think I would be a 'huggy' mom. I am a 'huggy' aunt.
 
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