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[INFJ] INFJs: Not interested in him

Cimarron

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(This topic has probably already come up before. And I'm not sure if this is the right spot for it.)

INFJs, especially ladies, but anyone's welcome to answer: How do you treat someone who is interested in you, but you're not interested in a relationship with them, assuming that you have to interact with that person in a group setting?

When you see them and talk to them, how do you react? What do you say and do?

This question isn't worded well, is it? I may have to give the situation. :doh: I've noticed that she (INFJ, I think) treats me differently, and doesn't really try to avoid it or cover it up. Another girl who I think was INFJ did the same thing a few years ago.
 
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redacted

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I am careful not to give any positive signs, and also careful not to talk about other people I'm attracted to out of fear of hurting their feelings.

Basically, if I don't talk about having a crush on anyone, I might have a crush on you! AAH!

(switch him with her for me :))
 

A Schnitzel

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INFJs I know that have noticed some chemistry, but aren't interested currently i.e. some other thing is holding them back. What happens is they stay quite psychologically distant. It's like they put up an invisible wall. They often use one word answers to reply to questions that often deserve more of a response and stay especially quiet.

I find it quite irritating and a little rude.

On the other hand they treat everyone else normally.
 

Cimarron

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Oh and this is way before anything would have gotten serious. Less serious than it sounds like Evan is talking about, though thanks for the help. In other words, we were just acquaintances, and then she realized I kind of like her. It's not like we know each other well.

The other girl (the one in the past) I knew a little better, and I'm more sure that she's an INFJ. We had become friends somewhat, and then she treated me completely differently after I asked her out and she turned me down.

Of course, I may be mixed up on their type. :mellow: But that's the kind of situation I'm wondering about.
 

redacted

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Oh and this is way before anything would have gotten serious. Less serious than it sounds like Evan is talking about, though thanks for the help. In other words, we were just acquaintances, and then she realized I kind of like her. It's not like we know each other well.

The other girl (the one in the past) I knew a little better, and I'm more sure that she's an INFJ. We had become friends somewhat, and then she treated me completely differently after I asked her out and she turned me down.

Of course, I may be mixed up on their type. :mellow: But that's the kind of situation I'm wondering about.

Don't worry, my post made no sense anyway.
 

Eileen

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INFJs I know that have noticed some chemistry, but aren't interested currently i.e. some other thing is holding them back. What happens is hey stay quite psychologically distant. It's like they put up an invisible wall. They often use one word answers to reply to questions that often deserve more of a response and stay especially quiet.

I find it quite irritating and a little rude.

On the other hand they treat everyone else normally.

heh.

guilty!

It always *feels* like the most compassionate thing to do--to maintain distance, to put up the wall. Maybe it isn't. But I do it.
 

Cimarron

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Well, the wall seemed a little more pro-active. Once they realized I liked them, they would become a lot more blunt and straightforward when talking to me. This is usually kind of embarrassing, (since they often like to do this in front of other people) and I get the feeling they do it that way on purpose. From some angles, you might even say it looks like they're being playful in a mean way. The girl from the past liked to use it as a wild card, like she had some dirt on me now.

Now that probably sounds worse than it actually is, but that's the general situation.

Does this sound like an INFJ? More importantly, does this sound familiar to anybody?
 
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A Schnitzel

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Well, the wall seemed a little more pro-active. Once they realized I liked them, they would become a lot more blunt and straightforward when talking to me. This is usually kind of embarrassing, (since they often like to do this in front of other people) and I get the feeling they do it that way on purpose. From some angles, you might even say it looks like they're being playful in a mean way. The girl from the past liked to use it as a wild card, like she had some dirt on me now.

Now that probably sounds worse than it actually is, but that's the general situation.

Does this sound like an INFJ? More importantly, does this sound familiar to anybody?

Really?

That doesn't sound like any INFJ I know. Maybe she doesn't like you.
If she's rude it's not your problem. It's hers. So far from what you've said you didn't do anything wrong so you shouldn't need to worry about her.
 

Cimarron

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I figured she didn't like me, and in the past-girl case, I know it. They act a lot alike, which was weird, too. But I was just wondering why they started acting like that when they found out I liked them.

And maybe she doesn't see it as rude. Maybe she sees it as playfully picking on someone, like you might do to your younger brother....you know what I mean? That's another thing I'm wondering, how else they could see their own actions.
 
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G

Glycerine

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Sometimes I act distant like that because I feel awkward and don't want acknowlege that tension. It does not mean that I don't necessarily like the person though.
 

A Schnitzel

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Sometimes I act distant like that because I feel awkward and don't want acknowlege that tension. It does not mean that I don't necessarily like the person though.

Well maybe if you were nicer to Cimarron he wouldn't have to start a thread about it.
 

Lauren Ashley

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I am careful not to give any positive signs, and also careful not to talk about other people I'm attracted to out of fear of hurting their feelings.

Ditto.

I'm never rude to them unless they persistently invade my space after I have made it clear I am not interested. I'm not naturally a rude person unless you have violated me in some sort of way, so I see no need to be rude to a person who is romantically interested.

But I'll attempt to answer your questions...

When you see them and talk to them, how do you react? What do you say and do?

I treat them like everyone else as long as they are not acting awkward or making obvious signs (like pulling out chairs, excessive attention, making googly eyes, etc) that they like me. If they do, I might become aloof and less nice just so they get the picture -- leave me alone.

I've noticed that she (INFJ, I think) treats me differently, and doesn't really try to avoid it or cover it up. Another girl who I think was INFJ did the same thing a few years ago.

Hmmm, I just read about the ways she treats you differently. And it doesn't seem like INFJ at all. Besides the natural reserve of INFJs, the ones I know (including myself) would never be rude to someone like that unless the person disrespected their values. Are you sure these girls are not ISFJs or ISFPs? That sounds more like something they would do.
 

Cimarron

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I'm never rude to them unless they persistently invade my space after I have made it clear I am not interested.
Good, I don't do that.
I treat them like everyone else as long as they are not acting awkward or making obvious signs (like pulling out chairs, excessive attention, making googly eyes, etc) that they like me. If they do, I might become aloof and less nice just so they get the picture -- leave me alone.
I see what you're getting at. I'm not even close to aggressive about this, especially this time. But I had a thought: I do get nervous and awkward, so maybe I end up acting in a way that she thinks is obvious and embarrassing to her. Kind of like, she thinks I'm doing to her exactly what I've been saying she's doing to me. ...? Awkward situations only end up happening when we cross paths, and I stop and let her go first or something. And maybe people can tell by the awkward way I do it that I like her. But that's about it.

The girl from years ago used to point out any mistake or stupid thing I said, and make fun of it, when before those times she would have just let it go. It was kind of funny, too, but after enough times I started to think it was more than just kidding around.
Are you sure these girls are not ISFJs or ISFPs?
No, I'm not sure about their type. The recent one acts like the first one, and the first one I guessed as INFJ...maybe INTP, strangely enough. Thanks for the help, though.

Edit: New theory--She's an INTJ. I'm looking into it.
 
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raz

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I have a similar problem, except it's quite a different story. The INFJ in question is one that I work with. As I started working, we became friends so naturally that it was like I wasn't even trying. Then, one day I noticed how much I really cared about her, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I bought a thinking of you card for her and wrote in it what I liked about her. She took it really well, nothing hostile at all, just warm "thank you, I think you're sweet too" from her. I made it clear in the card that I wasn't implying anything romantic. I just wanted her to know what I thought about her.

The thing is, she's 10 years older, and has a boyfriend, so it's like a brick wall. I've pretty much accepted that it's impossible. She's always really friendly to me, and talks to me about anything I tell her about, but I think that's just the INFJ thing to do. She jokes around a lot with me, but sometimes she just feels psychologically distant. She has a weird sense of humor. I told her the other day that I went to the meet with other MBTIc people and that it was really awkward. She said, "just punch them, they're not worth it."

She's one of those rare people that I feel like I'd instantly drop anything I'm doing for. It's just weird feeling something like this for someone who's so out of my league. I'm very capable of working with her and that's completely fine. I just can't help but admire her every time I see her. I try not to look obsessed, though. :p

Another friend of mine that I felt just as close to, I had take the MBTI, and they tested INFJ, too. I seem to find myself liking INFJs, apparently.
 

Cimarron

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Cimarron said:
Awkward situations only end up happening when we cross paths, and I stop and let her go first or something. And maybe people can tell by the awkward way I do it that I like her. But that's about it.
Wait, I just remembered. Later that same day, she talked to me in a more friendly way when we "ran into" (not literally) each other again. I'd forgotten about that. Hmm...
 

Lauren Ashley

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The girl from years ago used to point out any mistake or stupid thing I said, and make fun of it, when before those times she would have just let it go. It was kind of funny, too, but after enough times I started to think it was more than just kidding around.

I'm trying to think if there is any situation at all in which I would do this. Hmmm...no, only if I was sure the person would know I was just joking.

But I am only one INFJ and she could be different. Or not an INFJ.
 

Lauren Ashley

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Then, one day I noticed how much I really cared about her, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I bought a thinking of you card for her and wrote in it what I liked about her.

Awww, I would like this.

She jokes around a lot with me, but sometimes she just feels psychologically distant.

How so?
 

Lauren Ashley

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I don't know if it's the N or the age or both. She just feels like she's on a different level.

Well, when I seem distant with a person, it's usually because I'm not sure of them and our relationship for some reason. It may be that I don't know them that well, they've said or done something to put me on guard, etc.
 
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