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[INFJ] INFJs: Not interested in him

ArchAngel

New member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
79
MBTI Type
INFJ
A question for INFJ men:

How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?


INFJ male here.

MAJOR confound: when I am attracted to a female, I have (more most of my life) acted almost exactly like I act with anyone new ... I self-disclose much of my surface stuff, and some hints of the not-so-surface stuff, show authentic interest, and indulge in learning as much about them as I can. I am very open, very interested.

DOWNSIDE: most women are programmed from high school onward to interpret this as "needy" or "desperate" or some other b.s. interpretation that is self-flattering when one is a teenager, but often completely invalid later in life.

I have learned, the hard way, to do that which women say they despise in men, but which women themselves motivate us men to do: now I go dark, and reveal only a little. Amazingly, embarrassingly, dishearteningly --- this totally works. And it is totally not who I am. And it even hurts. But it totally works. :sad:
 
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ReadingRainbows

Cat Wench
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Messages
1,885
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I make myself scarce and I get really akward...because I don't want to hurt his feelings or lead him on, and I find its best just to leave.
 

jackandthebeast

New member
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
115
MBTI Type
IXFX
Enneagram
tert
INFJ male here.

MAJOR confound: when I am attracted to a female, I have (more most of my life) acted almost exactly like I act with anyone new ... I self-disclose much of my surface stuff, and some hints of the not-so-surface stuff, show authentic interest, and indulge in learning as much about them as I can. I am very open, very interested.

DOWNSIDE: most women are programmed from high school onward to interpret this as "needy" or "desperate" or some other b.s. interpretation that is self-flattering when one is a teenager, but often completely invalid later in life.

I have learned, the hard way, to do that which women say they despise in men, but which women themselves motivate us men to do: now I go dark, and reveal only a little. Amazingly, embarrassingly, dishearteningly --- this totally works. And it is totally not who I am. And it even hurts. But it totally works. :sad:

I'm sorry. I'm pretty much the same with my self-disclosure, except I don't know how welcome it is, as I haven't dated anyone yet. But it's a shame that you have to censor yourself like that.
 

jackandthebeast

New member
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
115
MBTI Type
IXFX
Enneagram
tert
I've seen two INFJ girls be attracted to someone, and they aren't subtle. The try to be but they fail. Here's a test. Ask them if they want to do anything like go to a book store or movies or just anything. If they say Yes everytime, that's a big sign. And if they say No, and they sound like they genuinely have a reason not to, don't worry about it. But if they say Yes more than No, and they say Yes frequently, it's a very good sign.

Ha. It's funny because it's true.
 

newby

New member
Joined
Oct 9, 2008
Messages
2
MBTI Type
INFJ
This is my first reply to the group so howdy folks. I do not think type can explain certain behaviors. As an INFJ I think this has more to do with maturity than anything. As all people develop social skills and we become less focused on ourselves and more considerate of others these awkward encounters should cease pretty much. We are just not that important in the scheme of things. I think as young inexperianced men and women in the world there is alot of drama. NF needs to connect with others so avoidance of hurting other people is a primary intention with them. This not to say that they do not cause harm however. I have always appreciated people being direct and honest with me, being a healthy mirror and ask questions in a non-threatening way.
 

something boring

New member
Joined
Feb 9, 2009
Messages
278
MBTI Type
nnja
Enneagram
4w5
INFJs I know that have noticed some chemistry, but aren't interested currently i.e. some other thing is holding them back. What happens is they stay quite psychologically distant. It's like they put up an invisible wall. They often use one word answers to reply to questions that often deserve more of a response and stay especially quiet.

I find it quite irritating and a little rude.

On the other hand they treat everyone else normally.

I do that sometimes because I know I'll give myself away otherwise. Sometimes total avoidance seems like the only option. If I'm fresh out of a relationship and still trying to recover, I'll get like that when I like someone already. Or if they're taken, I get like that until I adjust.
 

amelie

New member
Joined
May 23, 2009
Messages
110
MBTI Type
XNFJ
Like I said, she reciprocates anything I start with her. She'll be super friendly and want to talk to me, but she never says anything about her personal life unless I find a way to inquire about it and then she tells me. The only things I've found out about her, I had to observe and then question. It just makes me wonder if I didn't have to talk to her for work-related matters, if she'd even seek me out for conversation.

She could like you - maybe even a lot. I am guarded for a really long time - I don't like to talk about my personal life with anyone who is not "inner circle" which is a very select few people who have earned my trust (though I have a big circle of friends that I have casual relationships with, I don't share my inner self with them). I'm also not big on initiating plans with people, but I only accept invitations from people I really want to be with. I don't like to risk being rejected, because it's really painful to me. If you really like her, keep spending time with her and try and draw her out. You have to show that you are trustworthy before she lets her guard down.
 

Skyward

Badoom~
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,084
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
9w1
I dig into her psyche like i'm trying to find the needle in a hay stack.
I initiate and am very direct. But its quietly aggressive.
I am not good at setting things up though, but its because of me being very anti-social. I have placed myself in the right place at the right time. As for the friend zone, i get to know them first ; after digging into her psyche, it either turns into something or nothing ; My girlfriend will be my best friend.

Basically the same here. When I get attracted, though, the friendship-building is more awkward for me because I'm impatient.
 

Winds of Thor

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Jan 11, 2009
Messages
1,842
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ENTP
Enneagram
3w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
heh.

guilty!

It always *feels* like the most compassionate thing to do--to maintain distance, to put up the wall. Maybe it isn't. But I do it.

Compassionate. Is that out of respect for the other person-so they don't feel rejected by the expectations? So like them and keep them out...this feels like offering them something to feel better?

Loyalty. If the other person does nothing to hurt you. And you see this in their heart. Why not acknowledge this person is worthy and treat them accordingly...He or she may be a kind considerate, genuinely loving person.

Valuing loyalty is important. INFJs aren't the only people who have sensitive feelings and can hurt deeply.

It is my hope that INFJs don't see that they are isolated and assume they are the only ones so sensitive. It is my greater hope they will learn this. So as to understand that while people hurt because of other's aggressions, they may hurt as well by other's inactions. This in spirit, is an action itself.

Because the perception is a hurtful void. And that hurtful movement of emotion inside feels sharp. I'm just sayin' :)
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
When I was younger I would usually go the avoidance route or just feel really awkward around people that liked me that I wasn't interested in. I finally realized it is much kinder (to men anyway) to end the suspense and let them know where they are at. As long as it is done respectfully, privately and matter-of-factly, it seems to work pretty well. Eg. I was at an acquaintance friend's house. He's a nice person I work with and live next to among a neighbourhood of teacher's houses in an isolated community. Sometimes we'll go walking, but that's about it. After we walked one night he invited me to watch my favorite TV show. While we were watching, he put his arm around my shoulder and kind of started stroking my shoulder/hair despite no previous physical contact or signs of interest on my part other than friendliness (I had just broken up with a long term boyfriend). I moved away a bit and left before too long. The next day I emailed him and said that I know he wasn't asking me out, but it also is unpleasant to be unsure so I wanted him to know I am leaving the community and also not interested in dating anyone right now. We have been able to continue being friends, although I am a little more on my guard.

With people who don't get the picture after a talk like that, I make a point of being rude (one word answers, no volunteered info about myself, formal manner etc). I'm not likely to volunteer a whole lot spontaneously (unless I'm really comfortable around you) or approach you, but if someone wanted to get to know me better I do throw out enough hints of depth they could follow up on if they are interested. If they don't bother, I will conclude disinterest on their part or I will shut the last door they didn't choose to walk through. I am bad at hiding my feelings for too long so if they ask me to go somewhere and I say yes consistently, they're doing just fine. Sometimes I am still deciding though what kind of relationship with them I could envision. Better to err on the side of waiting than proposing a relationship too soon. I take awhile to get used to new ideas. If they catch me before there has been enough time to mull (if I have not decided what I think about them) I will probably decide against the whole thing. I really dislike pushiness and if it also seems like the stakes are so high I'd break his heart if things didn't work out, it's too much pressure and I will quickly lose interest. Very low key persistence on the other hand is fine as long as it is respectful.
 

r.a

meat popsicle
Joined
Jul 4, 2009
Messages
496
MBTI Type
STFU
A question for INFJ men:

How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?

flirting is never really a problem with me. in the right mood i don't mind shelling out sexual energy to whom i see fit.

the difference is when i actually, really like someone.

this is just an observation how i act and/or have acted in the past:

when i really like someone, my shyness comes out full force. first, eye contact.

eye contact with me is pretty intense. again, in the right mood, i dont mind making a point to make penetrating eye contact with whomever i deem, but usually with benevolence unless they are asking for it. (my tolerance for assholes and their bullshit is pretty high so someone really has to push the wrong buttons for me to fire gamma-rays into their soul).

when i like someone and i look into her eyes i am the one who feels vulnerable. painfully vulnerable. my adolescent shyness returns and i immediately look away and act as if i give the flyingest fuck in the world she exists. i also might project that her beauty means shit to me.

my feelings, of course, are the exact opposite. for that first moment of acknowledgment i've already delivered unto her, a solid, loving, lifelong marriage with a constant supply of transcendent orgasms and three beautiful, over-achieving and multi-talented children. i even know their names. i am hoping she is 'psychic' like me and reading what i am reading.

now the rest depends on if i know i am going to see this person again.

if i know i might not see that person again, i will act much more boldly and might lay the cards on the table early, maybe even bringing out the A or high-B game to ensure that even if i don't succeed, i still made an impression. OR, i may send her love through the ether, marry and divorce her in my mind and wish her soul well through its journey to the next plane of existence. my imagination runs wild and i daydream of all the wives from past lives i may have had and how perhaps these women i encounter may be past wives visiting from other lives, just saying "hello" and maybe "you were amazing".

if this is a girl i know i will be seeing again (school, work, out in the world etc) my approach is much more methodical and prolonged, unless our personalities click really well from the beginning and it just becomes. the latter situation is always what i would rather have. a mutual initial interaction. or, god forbid, she actually has the ingenuity to come and initiate conversation with me. that is the most attractive shit ever, a girl with the audacity to approach such a rare bird as myself.

i hate the societal norm that the guy has to initiate everything. i also hate that we have to buy the drinks. i got a cat to feed, i cant be spending money on some frivolous courtship dance that's going nowhere.

how i handle the meticulousness of the prolonged introduction depends on her personality. if i understand how her mind works early on, i just take control of the situation and might prolong things to see if she really is the right one for me. if the girl is a mystery though, then we are both in trouble.

yes, i will usually arrange 'schedules' and such (consciously or subconsciously) to be around her at opportune times.

i will play the cold game for a while, usually until i know for SURE she is single. if this is a girl from class or somewhere i am at often, i dont want to find out too late she is taken. the shitty thing is that alot of times they flirt back and send me sexual energy BEFORE they mention their boyfriends. its not like i cant handle the situation, i just prefer it not to happen, at least for the sake i have to see them again. so i wait.

my patience rivals that of siddhartha guatama himself when it comes to meeting the right girl. i keep our interactions polite and even professional. the eye contact is usually of a surface recognition of her as another human being. i am warm, friendly and i periodically let my sense of humor out for her. i test the waters, throwing things out there and gauging the reactions. i dont want it to seem obvious that i like her because, remember, she is supposed to be 'psychic' and madly in love with me.

the eye contact becomes more frequent. and with the advent of the increased eye contact and the cutesy smiles comes the sexual energy. at this point i am comfortable enough with her to 'give it out'. that part is always fun and i like fucking with her in that way and i like it when she fucks with me in return.

i was raised a gentleman and i kind of like that about my formative programming. the underlying current throughout all this is that if it is the real thing, i want it to be PURE, and do my best to keep my intentions as pure as i can, even if she looks like ALOT of fun in the sack. again, i dont want her to think her beauty means shit.

after i find out she is single its only a matter of the peripheral situation, unless things are so cosmically aligned that i dont give a fuck and just dive in regardless of the peripherals. but, once i get the environmental green-light if i deem it necessary, all bets are off. its just a matter of whether or not i decide to make a move and when. it will be as simple as bullshitting her number out of her or even arranging a time to meet. i can be charming when i let myself.

if i make her a mix cd, i REALLY like her. like, she'd be a DUMBASS to reject me at that point.

one thing i have realized is that when i talk to a girl i really like, my words feel jumbled and silly. they kinda just pour out without much finesse. once i am comfortable with her it goes away and i become articulate as a motherfucker. mostly. unless i have to talk about my feelings. fuck that shit. shes supposed to know!:newwink:

if she is just looking for a friend (usually cause she JUST got out of a relationship with some schmuck) then i will play the game, but only to a certain point. im getting older and weary of the mind-games of the courtship dance. id rather things just be up front. i need a yes or no. im sick of wasting time once i am in the game.

once the mutual attraction and desire is fully verified, i have no problem telling her i like her and that she is heartbreakingly gorgeous. but once we start seeing each other, that is a whole other story...
 
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thats.mana

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2009
Messages
12
MBTI Type
infj
r.a that is a really good description, I can relate so much to it, from the shyness to the stumbling of words in conversation all the while day dreaming of the relationship from beginning to end.

I find it so much easier to have a conversation with a women I have no interest in dating, even if I find her attractive. For example I meet a women that is unavailable, I can be the most charming, witty, intelligent man you've ever spoken to. Now put me into a conversation with someone I can picture myself dating and it is the most awkward conversation ever. It's almost as if I'm intimidated by being attracted to someone. Like being attracted makes me a stumbling fool.
 
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