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[INFJ] INFJs: Not interested in him

raz

Let's make this showy!
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Well, when I seem distant with a person, it's usually because I'm not sure of them and our relationship for some reason. It may be that I don't know them that well, they've said or done something to put me on guard, etc.

You edited your post...err...sorry, SJ coming out.

Like I said, she reciprocates anything I start with her. She'll be super friendly and want to talk to me, but she never says anything about her personal life unless I find a way to inquire about it and then she tells me. The only things I've found out about her, I had to observe and then question. It just makes me wonder if I didn't have to talk to her for work-related matters, if she'd even seek me out for conversation.
 

Lauren Ashley

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You edited your post...err...sorry, SJ coming out.

Like I said, she reciprocates anything I start with her. She'll be super friendly and want to talk to me, but she never says anything about her personal life unless I find a way to inquire about it and then she tells me. The only things I've found out about her, I had to observe and then question. It just makes me wonder if I didn't have to talk to her for work-related matters, if she'd even seek me out for conversation.

It's nothing personal, I think. Ni dominants live in their heads, so sometimes it doesn't hit them to initiate things with others instead of it always being the other way around.

Maybe you should tell her that you've noticed this. INFJs really like to improve relationships (and themselves) and it will help in getting to know her better.
 

Ardea

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A question for INFJ men:

How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?
 

lane777

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How do you treat someone who is interested in you, but you're not interested in a relationship with them, assuming that you have to interact with that person in a group setting?

I make a conscious effort to come off as indifferent (this is hard) - even though I may be very interested in their friendship.
 

Lexicon

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Often I don't pick up on whether or not someone's romantically interested in me. Usually it's because we're already friends. See, my brother was my best friend growing up; we moved around most of my childhood. As a result, I've always been more comfortable having friendships with males as opposed to females. Sometimes it evolves into something more on their end and I don't realize it right away, and it's usually not reciprocated on my end. When this happens, I try to maintain the dynamic of our friendship and not treat them differently from any of the other guys, and hope that it dawns on them that I'm not interested in them romantically, without them realizing that I even picked up on their being interested all, and then they can just move on. Far less awkward that way. At the risk of being presumptuous, I'm not apt to approach them about it. However, when they address the issue directly, I don't have any problem with telling them how I do or don't feel, and that I hope we can remain friends as we had been. More often than not, we can, and for that, I'm truly grateful.
 

Cimarron

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On the topic of making sure everything appears normal...treating the guy as "normally" and neutrally as possible:

Suppose that before he made his feelings known to you, the two of you weren't really close friends, though you knew each other and liked hanging out together. Maybe after the "turning point", treating him "normally" isn't as easy because now he's drawn your attention to him, whereas before this you wouldn't have "noticed" him. And this means to treat him as an equal with the other guys you know, you're actually paying more attention to him, even though it's neutral attention, not positive attention. You get what I'm saying? Does that sound like it could happen, or is it a little too far-fetched?

This was something strange I noticed happening after I asked that girl out.

(Thanks again for the replies.)
 

briochick

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When a guy likes me and I don't like him back I tend to become very aloof, sometimes even rude. If I've decided I don't like him like *that*, in my mind, it's a sealed deal, and I don't want him going for me again. So, I'll do what I feel needs to be done to make sure I'm not made that uncomfortable again as to have to hurt him by turning him down. If he feels dissuaded from asking again I figure it can't hurt as much as me turning him down twice.
 

Lexicon

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On the topic of making sure everything appears normal...treating the guy as "normally" and neutrally as possible:

Suppose that before he made his feelings known to you, the two of you weren't really close friends, though you knew each other and liked hanging out together. Maybe after the "turning point", treating him "normally" isn't as easy because now he's drawn your attention to him, whereas before this you wouldn't have "noticed" him. And this means to treat him as an equal with the other guys you know, you're actually paying more attention to him, even though it's neutral attention, not positive attention. You get what I'm saying? Does that sound like it could happen, or is it a little too far-fetched?

This was something strange I noticed happening after I asked that girl out.

(Thanks again for the replies.)


I guess I could see how that could happen.. as if she were making more of an effort to spare your feelings through treating you "neutrally/normally." Is that what you mean? I could see a lot of different types of people, not necessarily just INFJs, taking that route.
I don't think that I've experienced that sort of social situation yet. I strive for total sincerity in all of my interactions with people. I couldn't waste the effort trying to make an acquaintance with an unrequited crush on me feel like a closer friend, well, for any reason. Unless I actually wanted to become better friends with him. Even then, I'd have to be sure to make it abundantly clear that friendship was all I was after, and if they were still hoping for something more, well, it ain't happening..
 

Cimarron

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I guess I could see how that could happen.. as if she were making more of an effort to spare your feelings through treating you "neutrally/normally." Is that what you mean? I could see a lot of different types of people, not necessarily just INFJs, taking that route.
Yes, that's what I was trying to say. But I wanted to add in the nuances to give the full picture, just to make sure.

Lexicon said:
I don't think that I've experienced that sort of social situation yet. I strive for total sincerity in all of my interactions with people. I couldn't waste the effort trying to make an acquaintance with an unrequited crush on me feel like a closer friend, well, for any reason. Unless I actually wanted to become better friends with him. Even then, I'd have to be sure to make it abundantly clear that friendship was all I was after, and if they were still hoping for something more, well, it ain't happening..
That makes sense, and it's why I doubt my little "explanation" above is very likely. Also, she didn't seem to want to become any better friends after that.

At first, she avoided the question, I guess figuring I would get the hint, and to spare my feelings. It's hard to believe she would go that far to spare my feelings, though. She's usually pretty straightforward about her opinions.

Like I said, I don't know if she's an INFJ really. I'm only talking about type at all to try to figure out the general thought scheme she might have had.


briochick said:
When a guy likes me and I don't like him back I tend to become very aloof, sometimes even rude. If I've decided I don't like him like *that*, in my mind, it's a sealed deal, and I don't want him going for me again. So, I'll do what I feel needs to be done to make sure I'm not made that uncomfortable again as to have to hurt him by turning him down. If he feels dissuaded from asking again I figure it can't hurt as much as me turning him down twice.
Is that true even when you're still fine with him being your friend? Or is that your point, that this is for guys who you wouldn't want to be friends with anyway?
 
Last edited:

Lexicon

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At first, she avoided the question, I guess figuring I would get the hint, and to spare my feelings. It's hard to believe she would go that far to spare my feelings, though. She's usually pretty straightforward about her opinions.

Ehh, sometimes even the most straightforward chicks will take the indirect route in those situations, especially if they think you're a Nice Guy. No one likes to hurt the Nice Guy's feelings.:rolli:
(I realize I'm being terribly general here.)
 

briochick

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Is that true even when you're still fine with him being your friend? Or is that your point, that this is for guys who you wouldn't want to be friends with anyway?


This may sound odd but growing up I was taught that men and women *can't* be just friends. I've worked really hard to get over that but I think a good part of it is still lodged in me. That being said I've never had a situation where a guy I was friends with liked me, at least not that I knew of. And those that have expressed interest during a budding friendship pretty much killed any chance I'd want to continue a friendship. But then I also tend to attract guys who are a little stalkerish and socially awkward, so that could also be a major contributing factor...
 

batumi

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(This topic has probably already come up before. And I'm not sure if this is the right spot for it.)

INFJs, especially ladies, but anyone's welcome to answer: How do you treat someone who is interested in you, but you're not interested in a relationship with them, assuming that you have to interact with that person in a group setting?

When you see them and talk to them, how do you react? What do you say and do?

This question isn't worded well, is it? I may have to give the situation. :doh: I've noticed that she (INFJ, I think) treats me differently, and doesn't really try to avoid it or cover it up. Another girl who I think was INFJ did the same thing a few years ago.

Kindness when meeting, avoidance at all times otherwise, so that I don't end up in a situation where I may have to say something that would hurt the person. Hugs to you, Cim.
 

batumi

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INFJs I know that have noticed some chemistry, but aren't interested currently i.e. some other thing is holding them back. What happens is they stay quite psychologically distant. It's like they put up an invisible wall. They often use one word answers to reply to questions that often deserve more of a response and stay especially quiet.

I find it quite irritating and a little rude.

On the other hand they treat everyone else normally.

And the same holds true in the beginning when the chemistry is welcome.
You have to keep working at it to get beyond that doorway.
 

batumi

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On the topic of making sure everything appears normal...treating the guy as "normally" and neutrally as possible:

Suppose that before he made his feelings known to you, the two of you weren't really close friends, though you knew each other and liked hanging out together. Maybe after the "turning point", treating him "normally" isn't as easy because now he's drawn your attention to him, whereas before this you wouldn't have "noticed" him. And this means to treat him as an equal with the other guys you know, you're actually paying more attention to him, even though it's neutral attention, not positive attention. You get what I'm saying? Does that sound like it could happen, or is it a little too far-fetched?

This was something strange I noticed happening after I asked that girl out.

(Thanks again for the replies.)

You've got it nailed.
 

batumi

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I have a similar problem, except it's quite a different story. The INFJ in question is one that I work with. As I started working, we became friends so naturally that it was like I wasn't even trying. Then, one day I noticed how much I really cared about her, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I bought a thinking of you card for her and wrote in it what I liked about her. She took it really well, nothing hostile at all, just warm "thank you, I think you're sweet too" from her. I made it clear in the card that I wasn't implying anything romantic. I just wanted her to know what I thought about her.

The thing is, she's 10 years older, and has a boyfriend, so it's like a brick wall. I've pretty much accepted that it's impossible. She's always really friendly to me, and talks to me about anything I tell her about, but I think that's just the INFJ thing to do. She jokes around a lot with me, but sometimes she just feels psychologically distant. She has a weird sense of humor. I told her the other day that I went to the meet with other MBTIc people and that it was really awkward. She said, "just punch them, they're not worth it."

She's one of those rare people that I feel like I'd instantly drop anything I'm doing for. It's just weird feeling something like this for someone who's so out of my league. I'm very capable of working with her and that's completely fine. I just can't help but admire her every time I see her. I try not to look obsessed, though. :p

Another friend of mine that I felt just as close to, I had take the MBTI, and they tested INFJ, too. I seem to find myself liking INFJs, apparently.

It's a nice pairing, I do believe. Keep posting...
 

tenINsFJ

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(This topic has probably already come up before. And I'm not sure if this is the right spot for it.)

INFJs, especially ladies, but anyone's welcome to answer: How do you treat someone who is interested in you, but you're not interested in a relationship with them, assuming that you have to interact with that person in a group setting?

When you see them and talk to them, how do you react? What do you say and do?

This question isn't worded well, is it? I may have to give the situation. :doh: I've noticed that she (INFJ, I think) treats me differently, and doesn't really try to avoid it or cover it up. Another girl who I think was INFJ did the same thing a few years ago.

Hey Cimarron.
If someone is interested in me, and it's not mutual, and I know they are attracted to me, I pretend like I don't even know. I still act normal like how I usually would, and like Evan said, I don't mention any other girls or anything so I don't hurt their feelings or make them feel bad.
I've seen two INFJ girls be attracted to someone, and they aren't subtle. The try to be but they fail. Here's a test. Ask them if they want to do anything like go to a book store or movies or just anything. If they say Yes everytime, that's a big sign. And if they say No, and they sound like they genuinely have a reason not to, don't worry about it. But if they say Yes more than No, and they say Yes frequently, it's a very good sign.
 
B

ByMySword

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A question for INFJ men:

How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?

Yes to all of the above. ;)
 

93JC

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I have a similar problem, except it's quite a different story. The INFJ in question is one that I work with. As I started working, we became friends so naturally that it was like I wasn't even trying. Then, one day I noticed how much I really cared about her, and I wanted to tell her so bad. I bought a thinking of you card for her and wrote in it what I liked about her. She took it really well, nothing hostile at all, just warm "thank you, I think you're sweet too" from her. I made it clear in the card that I wasn't implying anything romantic. I just wanted her to know what I thought about her.

The thing is, she's 10 years older, and has a boyfriend, so it's like a brick wall. I've pretty much accepted that it's impossible. She's always really friendly to me, and talks to me about anything I tell her about, but I think that's just the INFJ thing to do. She jokes around a lot with me, but sometimes she just feels psychologically distant. She has a weird sense of humor.

She's one of those rare people that I feel like I'd instantly drop anything I'm doing for. It's just weird feeling something like this for someone who's so out of my league. I'm very capable of working with her and that's completely fine. I just can't help but admire her every time I see her. I try not to look obsessed, though. :p

Ha, reading this post is like looking into a mirror. I have a ridiculous crush on the girl who sits next to me at work. She's about six-and-a-half years older than I am, INFJ, we slowly became friendly at work, and one day a couple months ago it just dawned on me that I love everything about her.

At first I quickly dismissed the possibility of a relationship: I don't want things at work to get screwed up. I resigned myself to never bothering to pursue it until a couple weeks ago when a friend asked "So, when are you going to ask her out?"

I said, "I don't know, I don't think it's a good idea to get involved with someone at work." He said to me, in one of the more frank expressions he's ever had, "No. You're wrong. You're thinking about this the wrong way. The worst that could happen is that things around the office are weird for a few months. But what if it turns out she says yes? What if you marry her? Not asking could be the biggest mistake you'd ever make in your life."

Okay, agreed. I phoned her the following weekend and she brushed me off, and last week she threw up an emotional wall and didn't talk much. She doesn't bother answering e-mails anymore either. I get the impression she knows what's up, isn't interested, and just doesn't want to deal with it in order to spare me embarrassment and hurt feelings. At the same time we're still fairly friendly around the office, but no more or less so than in the past few months.

I want a simple, straight answer out of her as to whether she's interested or not, but I don't think I'd get one unless I threw all my cards on the table and flat out told her I'm madly in love with her. I don't want to because I think she'd be devastated with guilt if she said no, and at the same time if she said yes would feel guilty for leaving me to see her parents over the Christmas holidays. Either way I think she'll feel awful about the whole thing and all I can think of doing in order to spare her from somehow feeling bad about the situation (she has the uncanny ability to evaluate a situation and somehow work it around in her mind in such a way as to make herself feel bad because she made someone else feel bad... INFJ trait?) is not bothering to ask until sometime in the new year. :doh:

Meanwhile I'm still sitting across from her every day, casually glancing over her computer monitors at her while my mind races about all the what-ifs. Sometimes I want to profess my feelings so much I'd scream, but frankly I just don't know what the hell I'm doing!! :steam:
 

Erudur

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Good, I don't do that. I see what you're getting at. I'm not even close to aggressive about this, especially this time. But I had a thought: I do get nervous and awkward, so maybe I end up acting in a way that she thinks is obvious and embarrassing to her. Kind of like, she thinks I'm doing to her exactly what I've been saying she's doing to me. ...? Awkward situations only end up happening when we cross paths, and I stop and let her go first or something. And maybe people can tell by the awkward way I do it that I like her. But that's about it.

The girl from years ago used to point out any mistake or stupid thing I said, and make fun of it, when before those times she would have just let it go. It was kind of funny, too, but after enough times I started to think it was more than just kidding around. No, I'm not sure about their type. The recent one acts like the first one, and the first one I guessed as INFJ...maybe INTP, strangely enough. Thanks for the help, though.

Edit: New theory--She's an INTJ. I'm looking into it.

I don't think she's an INTJ. As an INTJ, I think I react to unrequited interest similarly as an INFJ would. I'm not at all confrontational on issues of love. Now issues of politics or science -- yes I can be very confrontational. My tendancy would be to avoid. I don't think a woman INTJ would be that different either.
 

Thursday

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A question for INFJ men:

How do you act when you're attracted to a female? Do you initiate conversations? Do you ask her to "hang out"? Do you decide to be where she'll be? Do you tell her that you want to be friends, even if you're doing ALL this?

I dig into her psyche like i'm trying to find the needle in a hay stack.
I initiate and am very direct. But its quietly aggressive.
I am not good at setting things up though, but its because of me being very anti-social. I have placed myself in the right place at the right time. As for the friend zone, i get to know them first ; after digging into her psyche, it either turns into something or nothing ; My girlfriend will be my best friend.
 
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