[INFP] I need some help with an INFP...

[Nadiar]

So, a girl I know is an INFP, so her entire way of thinking about her emotions is a bit contrary to how I think about them. But I think I can at least grasp where she's coming from.

Basically her boyfriend for the past few years was kind of a dick, and would hang out with another woman. No one thinks anything was going on with those two, but it causes her a bit of extra pain that he spends more time with the other woman than he does with her, and he's pretty insensitive to her needs.

In September her father was given a month to live, as he'd had some cancer cross the border into his brain. She took a bunch of time off to spend time with him, and he ended up dieing in late October. That, coupled with her boyfriend not really paying her any attention lead them to breaking up.

The problem now is that she's still completely breaking down, and I'm not sure what she needs for help. (Yeah, sorry, as an INTP, Emotions might as well be Aramaic). And she doesn't really have any friends other than me who aren't friends of her ex.

Instinct tells me she needs someone to connect with and talk about how she feels, but I don't know if that's really what an INFP needs. She told me she had gone to counseling, but I've now found out she probably didn't (since her story didn't match up with how their process works--and I swear I didn't go behind her back to find this out). I've got several hours before I have a chance to talk with her, so I thought I'd look for some feedback.

 

[Synarch]

Just listen.

 

[Jack Flak]

The following is my personal opinion.

INTPs and INFPs are useless at advising one another because we each see "our methods" as superior, and see one another as slightly misguided, taking a less-effective approach to just about everything. If you can stand back, and at least act like you respect the INFP's methods, you may receive some respect of your own. If you have it, the INFP may ask you for help in your areas of confidence, such as impersonal analysis. Feel free to give it.

 

[Nadiar]

Just listen.

See Jack's response.

And, I do listen, but its difficult to think clearly when I'm with her.

 

[Synarch]

The following is my personal opinion.

INTPs and INFPs are useless at advising one another because we each see "our methods" as superior, and see one another as slightly misguided, taking a less-effective approach to just about everything. If you can stand back, and at least act like you respect the INFP's methods, you may receive some respect of your own. If you have it, the INFP may ask you for help in your areas of confidence, such as impersonal analysis. Feel free to give it.

Good advice.

 

[Anja]

I think the best thing you can do for anyone is be there. That's it. Pay attention and be there. Really there.

 

[The Third Rider]

See Jack's response.

And, I do listen, but its difficult to think clearly when I'm with her.

Why is that? Any specific reasons?

 

[bronte]

I think the best thing you can do for anyone is be there. That's it. Pay attention and be there. Really there.

I think this is great advice.

If you can do this for her - be attentive, listen carefully - dont try to give advice - dont criticise in any way - everybody handles grief differently (I dont think this has much to do with type - grief can make us weirdly different to how we may be most of the time)

If you can do this and be accepting of her then she might have the confidence to seek out that counselling that she needs - perhaps you could gently suggest that she do this - but dont be pushy

Also offer to be on the end of a phone if she wants to talk (don't worry about what you say - most of the time people want to feel that they are being listened too - making generally supportive statements/noises will do alot of the time.

And you sound like a good friend to have.

 

[raz]

What everyone else said, be there. Even if you're just standing there next to her, or sitting down next to her in complete silence, that's enough. Just knowing she can trust you to just sit there while she's trying to process everything does a lot more than you'd think.

 

[Colors]

Just listen.

Also, things like "I'm here if you need to talk." or other supportive phrases (like "I'm glad we're good friends."*) that seem to go without saying are still sometimes very nice to hear.

*hard to think of good examples without more knowledge, but you get the idea.

 

[Nadiar]

Her coworker decided to be an asshole last night and she spent most of the night crying, and today she worked herself up into a deeper depression, and has gone incommunicado.

 

[MissMurder]

Her coworker decided to be an asshole last night and she spent most of the night crying, and today she worked herself up into a deeper depression, and has gone incommunicado.

The worst thing you could do right now is try to force her to talk. As the others have said, just be prepared to listen.

 

[BerberElla]

I went through a bit of a personal break down, people who tried to get to close or "help me" made me feel worse even if their intentions were good.

I wanted to talk but knew no one would really understand how I felt. Honestly I just needed to be alone because that is how I felt.

The person who helped me the most was just there for me emotionally when I needed her but never too invasive or pushy when I went quiet.

So my advise would be the same as Anja's, just be there, don't try to be helpful with advice or suggestions, just be a friend who doesn't expect her to get better as quickly as they would in that situation because it could take her awhile to process all the pain she is feeling right now.