You know that's really twisted. But I completely understand what you mean. That's the way it is sometimes between an INTJ friend of mine. We both used to like each other, never admitted to it, the time has passed, but there are residual feelings left that get expressed in other ways. Sometimes we do what you describe to each other, but since it still has a playful edge to it I think it's fun. I understand how it's not so fun too.
Why are you still with this person? Do you like this?
To a degree, yes. When we've both been away from each other for a while and rested, it's like sparring. Gearing up for a demonstration of strength and meaning. (And if we're not in the same room, just chasing each other around the city by cell phone, then it can take all day to decay into true anger and frustration.) It manifests in different, exciting, these days increasingly dark ways: randomly once I came up with the idea of tying her arms, and the practice genuinely excited her; we fought in the street one night, for I refused to have her come to my house and found myself blindly dragging her away from the gate of my house; oral sex works, on her, not on me; anger, deep, passionate, righteous anger that disappears as soon as she leaves... The raw power of experiences like these and the fact that they're uncommon to me is... was...attractive.
These days... (and with a more roseate filter on my presentation...)
Two people, future-oriented, positive, inclined to planning and given very much to offering other people direction... being able to call "fail" on this thing asks of me a mature strength I am unaccustomed to exercising. Whatever strengths I have, mature or otherwise, I want to say of anything I invest in, "succeed."
And she's always there, always back again, always spinning positive. It's easy to be weak and get lost again, me trying or just wanting somehow to express something life-affirming, and she always seeming to be offering that chance.
These days I don't think of myself as "with" her. I never really did think of myself that way, in fact. There was so little to hang that tag on. And I can't imagine letting her into my house ever again. But there's still that spark, that little fire that comes from the sheer volume of human learning I do because of her.
If it helps any in understanding, prior to this girl, the most significant woman in my life had been an ENTJ. We were together for three years. And looking back, the first girl I ever had sex with was E*FJ. It seems to me I learned somewhere along the way that human relationships really are meant to be inadequate. They are, it has often seemed to me, meant to engage drives and not satisfy them.
My ideas are changing. I'm aware now of two ENFPs in my life. One's a flaky buddy who lives in another city. He's currently seeking, of all people, my advice, because he knows I'm INTJ and he's found this girl who's INTJ too. That aside, he currently likes knowing he's ENFP and wants to explore what it means. In true ENFP fashion he's combined the MBTI with horoscopes and believes he can do facial recognition tests on people to work out their type, but whatever. The other ENFP is a young woman, early twenties, who I like and who likes me. I like that she's my friend.