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[ENFJ] E/INTJs interacting with ENFJs

Jack Flak

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Also, are ENFJ's typically seen as "mild" in relationships? As an E/INTJ, when I fall in love, it's kind of explosive and almost overbearingly intense to not only me, but I would assume to him as well. My ENFJ just seems so "mild" and laid back about things between us and I guess it's because he's used to feeling all the time so he knows how to control his emotions?

So if I feel that sometimes his language and demeanor seem kind of mild, I kind of freak out and think crazy thoughts like, "omg it's over!!!" and realize it's far from over. Am I just insane?
Have you considered the possibility that the feelings in question aren't as intense as you would perhaps like them to be? Not to be a wet blanket, but life's a drag.
 

Harlow_Jem

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Have you considered the possibility that the feelings in question aren't as intense as you would perhaps like them to be? Not to be a wet blanket, but life's a drag.

Yes, I've definitely considered that but when someone says something like, "I can never stop thinking about you" I usually assume that their feelings are just as intense as I'd like them to be. Or am I wrong.
 

Jack Flak

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Yes, I've definitely considered that but when someone says something like, "I can never stop thinking about you" I usually assume that their feelings are just as intense as I'd like them to be. Or am I wrong.
If that's the only kind of thing he says, I would estimate everything's fine. But if that is alternated with statements like "I just don't know, Harlow Jem...I just don't know...", it may be a good idea to stay realistic.
 

Harlow_Jem

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If that's the only kind of thing he says, I would estimate everything's fine. But if that is alternated with statements like "I just don't know, Harlow Jem...I just don't know...", it may be a good idea to stay realistic.

You are indeed being a wet blanket...

:thumbdown:

Haha, no but really, I suppose it is best to stay realistic.
 

Sunshine8

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Who's wearing the pants?

Hi guys,

I think it is very possible to get on well - my father is an ENTJ and my manager (who I work very closely with) is also an ENTJ. I have a good relationship with both of them.

I wouldn't really say our types are opposites. ENFJs and INTJ/ENTJ have a lot more in common than they do differences:

an immense curiousity for life
strong passion and intensity
high energy levels
a desire for the authentic
a hunger to develop our intelligence and understanding
strong opinions and ethics, and
a creative approach to problem-solving, etc.


I think you could be a great match but would have quite a few arguments at times. But who doesn't in any intense or intimate relationship?

In my experience, the hardest thing I find about hanging out with my dad is that a lot of the time he appears to underestimate my importance and intelligence and expands out his own...to fill the entire room. He is very passionate about his work but sometimes I feel like waving a flag that says 'Hi, yes, I am in the room'!!

I know a lot of ENTJs have to fight the tendency to come across as arrogant and that is probably the one trait that sends me backing out the door - exhausted from 'not existing' in his eyes except as his audience.

But back to you - I find it a little odd that your ENFJ is coming across as 'mild' in love. We are usually too far the other way and need to remind ourselves to chill out and take things as they come. Perhaps if he is a very self-developed ENFJ he might be on a personal journey learning to balance intimacy and solitude - in which case you could have a very sound base there.

Has he been reading a lot of self-help or spiritual books lately?

Here is a stab in the dark - could he feel as though you are wearing the pants too much in the relationship? ENFJs really want things to be equal and it is a big grate to feel like the underdog long term.

Perhaps ask for his help on a few things (I am just guessing here - so please disregard if this sounds like irrelevant crap!) or try asking him about opinions on things without passing judgement or cutting him down. A lot of ENFJs have super srtong opinions about current affairs and government policy etc, but will not share them unless they believe they have an open-minded audience.

In summary, relationships and intimacy are pretty much what a lot of ENFJs tend to live and breathe for. If you sense that he is not fully present then he might be emotionally 'hiding' to protect himself. Observe how he is around friends with whom he is fully relaxed and silly with. He might be feeling inadequate around you.

Just some thoughts and good luck!!
 

Littlelostnf

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Yes, it's the same guy. And I know, I thought the bridge was demolished, trampled on, and then burned too. But the bridge has been scotch-taped back up and I'm trying to tip-toe as softly as I can on it.

I'm not quite certain why after all of this you'd want to tip toe over such an unsteady, seemingly unsafe bridge as this one seems to be. Could you tell me why you're still trying? Scotch tape can only hold so much wait..and tip toeing can be soooo tiring.

btw INTJ make me giggle too. I truly like the one I know.
 

Littlelostnf

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Apr 23, 2007
Messages
645
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ENFJ
Hi guys,

I think it is very possible to get on well - my father is an ENTJ and my manager (who I work very closely with) is also an ENTJ. I have a good relationship with both of them.

I wouldn't really say our types are opposites. ENFJs and INTJ/ENTJ have a lot more in common than they do differences:

an immense curiousity for life
strong passion and intensity
high energy levels
a desire for the authentic
a hunger to develop our intelligence and understanding
strong opinions and ethics, and
a creative approach to problem-solving, etc.


I think you could be a great match but would have quite a few arguments at times. But who doesn't in any intense or intimate relationship?

In my experience, the hardest thing I find about hanging out with my dad is that a lot of the time he appears to underestimate my importance and intelligence and expands out his own...to fill the entire room. He is very passionate about his work but sometimes I feel like waving a flag that says 'Hi, yes, I am in the room'!!

I know a lot of ENTJs have to fight the tendency to come across as arrogant and that is probably the one trait that sends me backing out the door - exhausted from 'not existing' in his eyes except as his audience.

But back to you - I find it a little odd that your ENFJ is coming across as 'mild' in love. We are usually too far the other way and need to remind ourselves to chill out and take things as they come. Perhaps if he is a very self-developed ENFJ he might be on a personal journey learning to balance intimacy and solitude - in which case you could have a very sound base there.

Has he been reading a lot of self-help or spiritual books lately?

Here is a stab in the dark - could he feel as though you are wearing the pants too much in the relationship? ENFJs really want things to be equal and it is a big grate to feel like the underdog long term.

Perhaps ask for his help on a few things (I am just guessing here - so please disregard if this sounds like irrelevant crap!) or try asking him about opinions on things without passing judgement or cutting him down. A lot of ENFJs have super srtong opinions about current affairs and government policy etc, but will not share them unless they believe they have an open-minded audience.

In summary, relationships and intimacy are pretty much what a lot of ENFJs tend to live and breathe for. If you sense that he is not fully present then he might be emotionally 'hiding' to protect himself. Observe how he is around friends with whom he is fully relaxed and silly with. He might be feeling inadequate around you.

Just some thoughts and good luck!!


Very good advice Sunshine...From one ENFJ to another..."Well done!" :hug:
 

Harlow_Jem

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Apr 18, 2008
Messages
219
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Hi guys,

I think it is very possible to get on well - my father is an ENTJ and my manager (who I work very closely with) is also an ENTJ. I have a good relationship with both of them.

I wouldn't really say our types are opposites. ENFJs and INTJ/ENTJ have a lot more in common than they do differences:

an immense curiousity for life
strong passion and intensity
high energy levels
a desire for the authentic
a hunger to develop our intelligence and understanding
strong opinions and ethics, and
a creative approach to problem-solving, etc.


I think you could be a great match but would have quite a few arguments at times. But who doesn't in any intense or intimate relationship?

In my experience, the hardest thing I find about hanging out with my dad is that a lot of the time he appears to underestimate my importance and intelligence and expands out his own...to fill the entire room. He is very passionate about his work but sometimes I feel like waving a flag that says 'Hi, yes, I am in the room'!!

I know a lot of ENTJs have to fight the tendency to come across as arrogant and that is probably the one trait that sends me backing out the door - exhausted from 'not existing' in his eyes except as his audience.

But back to you - I find it a little odd that your ENFJ is coming across as 'mild' in love. We are usually too far the other way and need to remind ourselves to chill out and take things as they come. Perhaps if he is a very self-developed ENFJ he might be on a personal journey learning to balance intimacy and solitude - in which case you could have a very sound base there.

Has he been reading a lot of self-help or spiritual books lately?

Here is a stab in the dark - could he feel as though you are wearing the pants too much in the relationship? ENFJs really want things to be equal and it is a big grate to feel like the underdog long term.

Perhaps ask for his help on a few things (I am just guessing here - so please disregard if this sounds like irrelevant crap!) or try asking him about opinions on things without passing judgement or cutting him down. A lot of ENFJs have super srtong opinions about current affairs and government policy etc, but will not share them unless they believe they have an open-minded audience.

In summary, relationships and intimacy are pretty much what a lot of ENFJs tend to live and breathe for. If you sense that he is not fully present then he might be emotionally 'hiding' to protect himself. Observe how he is around friends with whom he is fully relaxed and silly with. He might be feeling inadequate around you.

Just some thoughts and good luck!!

Sweetnesss... makes complete sense!

Hell yes! INTJ's make me giggle like no other!
It's true.. I can see that. He seems to think I'm the strangest bird he's ever met and thinks I'm hilariously fascinating to observe.

I'm not quite certain why after all of this you'd want to tip toe over such an unsteady, seemingly unsafe bridge as this one seems to be. Could you tell me why you're still trying? Scotch tape can only hold so much wait..and tip toeing can be soooo tiring.

Why? I suppose I have no rational answer for that. Love is insanity and causes one to take on completely irrational endeavors.
 

mlittrell

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my two best friends are those types (ENTJ and ENFJ) and they get along quite well indeed.
 

Harlow_Jem

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my two best friends are those types (ENTJ and ENFJ) and they get along quite well indeed.

I agree that any types can get along fantastically as friends provided there are enough shared interests and mutual respect for the fostering of a friendship; however, I think (especially for me) the dynamics of a romantic relationship and a friendship relationship are completely different. I can be friends with anyone but cannot fall in love or take on just anyone as a lover.

Thus, there is a lot at stake in love. It's always a black or white/ all or nothing/do or die for me in love. I probably have a completely old fashioned and idealistic idea and attitudes towards love but that's just how it is for me.

On a cosmic level, it seems as though he and I are not meant to touch on any sphere but I would fight the forces of the universe to the death for him. Either that, or I never want to see him ever again.
 

Nonsensical

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I was just reading something today that said that said that ENFJs and ENTJs are like mixing oil and water, not that are opposites, but that the ENxJ part of both of them makes them the dominant leader, which doesn't go well, because in their eyes, only one person is the leader..it's sort of like when two dogs meet, and they try to find the dominant male or female..well, maybe the same concept here, towards who the dominant leader is.

Also, the T and the F don't mix, necessarily, because their leading values are set of different levels.
 

Harlow_Jem

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I was just reading something today that said that said that ENFJs and ENTJs are like mixing oil and water, not that are opposites, but that the ENxJ part of both of them makes them the dominant leader, which doesn't go well, because in their eyes, only one person is the leader..it's sort of like when two dogs meet, and they try to find the dominant male or female..well, maybe the same concept here, towards who the dominant leader is.

Also, the T and the F don't mix, necessarily, because their leading values are set of different levels.

Yes, I read a relationship dynamic explanation between an ENFJ and ENTJ which said that both types are inclined towards the same types of aspirations and goals but it's hard to find a niche that either can fit into in the other's world/grand plans. When I read it, it just kind of blew me away at how accurate it portrayed my situation.

Both of us are tend to naturally take the lead/dominant positions in most things, especially in social settings so in the past there used to be a sort of silent battle for domination whenever we hung out with other people in groups. But now we're both learning how to accommodate one another in our respective lives and it's kind of awesome how we now consciously/subconsciously take on a team mentality and rule situations together as if we've acknowledged that we support one another in ruling our universe as king and queen.
 

Harlow_Jem

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There are a lot of things that I'm learning about these complex individuals that are ENFJs. Just a thought I had from thinking about my personal situation is that their mode of interpersonal interaction is somewhat of a paradox as they desire/demand genuineness but won't accept it unless it's packaged in a nice box; genuineness that is sincere but blunt is rejected or seen as cold and insincere. Thus, if I try to explain myself in the ideal way that I think would clear up a situation, he'll just simply get defensive and angry; but if I reword things around and make sure it doesn't sound too "blunt" or "straightforward" he seems to take it better.

It just seems to me like he's just asking for a manipulation then which really frustrates me.
 

Nat

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There are a lot of things that I'm learning about these complex individuals that are ENFJs. Just a thought I had from thinking about my personal situation is that their mode of interpersonal interaction is somewhat of a paradox as they desire/demand genuineness but won't accept it unless it's packaged in a nice box; genuineness that is sincere but blunt is rejected or seen as cold and insincere. Thus, if I try to explain myself in the ideal way that I think would clear up a situation, he'll just simply get defensive and angry; but if I reword things around and make sure it doesn't sound too "blunt" or "straightforward" he seems to take it better.

It just seems to me like he's just asking for a manipulation then which really frustrates me.

I think the key is to be honest but tactful at the same time. You shouldn't need to sugar coat everything you say or be dishonest, but being blunt with someone who takes things to heart will lead them to feel under attack.

I hope it all works out!
 

Brendan

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You would get along fine with him if you spent as much time talking to him about this stuff as you talk to us about it.
 

Harlow_Jem

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You would get along fine with him if you spent as much time talking to him about this stuff as you talk to us about it.

Believe me, I try. Whenever I try to talk to him about these things he just gets pissed and replies with either one word answers and doesn't seem to want to confront any conflicts. I think that whenever I try to bring these things up with him, he immediately gets defensive about everything because he can't get past the resentment and anger underneath it all (but I don't think he realizes this, which is a big problem because if I point it out, he'll most likely just get enraged).
 

proteanmix

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Believe me, I try. Whenever I try to talk to him about these things he just gets pissed and replies with either one word answers and doesn't seem to want to confront any conflicts. I think that whenever I try to bring these things up with him, he immediately gets defensive about everything because he can't get past the resentment and anger underneath it all (but I don't think he realizes this, which is a big problem because if I point it out, he'll most likely just get enraged).

Harlow, I find this doubtful. Relationships for ENFJs are practically our reasons for being. I cannot see myself acting like your bf is acting. I will talk and ruminate a relationship to death before I just clam up. I'd rather have a knock down drag out fight then run away from it.

When I realize those communication barriers are too high to leap or maneuver my way around I just end it. It wouldn't be this melodramatic soap opera that is your relationship with this guy. And honestly, I'd really like to hear what he has to say about this. I'm wary of these one-sided, whoa is me, relationship problems. It's so easy to put the blame on the other person when they're not around to defend themselves or tell their side of what happen which is why I'm doubtful of the events surrounding your relationship with this guy. When I've been able to hear both sides of a relationship problem it takes on a completely different tone and the supposed victims create just as much drama as the perpetrators.
 

g_vartan

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Harlow, I find this doubtful. Relationships for ENFJs are practically our reasons for being. I cannot see myself acting like your bf is acting. I will talk and ruminate a relationship to death before I just clam up. I'd rather have a knock down drag out fight then run away from it.

When I realize those communication barriers are too high to leap or maneuver my way around I just end it. It wouldn't be this melodramatic soap opera that is your relationship with this guy. And honestly, I'd really like to hear what he has to say about this. I'm wary of these one-sided, whoa is me, relationship problems. It's so easy to put the blame on the other person when they're not around to defend themselves or tell their side of what happen which is why I'm doubtful of the events surrounding your relationship with this guy. When I've been able to hear both sides of a relationship problem it takes on a completely different tone and the supposed victims create just as much drama as the perpetrators.

QFT.
 

Valiant

Courage is immortality
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My best friend is an ENFJ. I know a few more, and they stink, but he's fine. We talk a lot about life and the meaning of it, etc. And space exploration... Well, a lot. Computer games, weapons. He's a bigger gun-nut than I am...
 
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