This topic and the type INFJ in general is a sure way to exercise one's mind indefinitely...
I won't chime in, as my type is 'only' INTJ. Though, foreseeing for myself, the key would be for an INFJ to be straightforward to me. Now I have to guess a lot, and it takes time and effort to maybe see what's going on (what their need is). If I would hear simply explained, I would probably make no deal of it and understand it. Now it's this awkward guessing. I would believe especially related types (like INTJ - how can it be much closer) would be able to take some. And I notice it doesn't help a bit to say to an INFJ (well, the one I have i mind) to be wondering why they are you so ashamed (about a particular thing) - no one notices it, or if they did, they wouldn't mind.
So then it doesn't feel exactly as being trusted... Seems almost the shame is there for itself - Is it somehow adding to the feeling special? (I'm aware that might sound insensitive).
Sometimes it seems the INFJ has their reactions made up already, and nothing can help or come in between.
Anyway, what I've learned is that whatever one says will be mostly - say at least 90% - about themselves, so that holds for what I say here as well.
Also, said INFJ has same complaint, that I'm not being straightforward. But, somehow I think the laws are just kept separate, so that no true exchange or mutual understanding can develop.
i think you're very close. to say no, it's not a problem, don't worry about it just gives us this impression that you don't see it and that you don't see us. 4s feel envious of others and their simplicity, their naturalness, their lack of image consciousness. it's the oscillation between beauty and ugliness, feeling like goddammit that ugliness is what makes me me, that beauty is what makes me me, that beauty is arbitrary, false, deceptive, fake, that ugliness is what's real, that ugliness isn't me, this jekyll and hyde experience isn't me, i don't know what came over me, nothing can save me, i'm too wretched, i'm broken, i'm fundamentally defective, from the beginning i was destined to destroy myself. this is happening while intensely overidentifying wtih the feelings of others (e2) (worst for the sx types) while managing the hypercritical inner voice of e1 (being situated between e2 and e1). the sx just intensifies it, wanting to be dominant, to be the most powerful, to be the most beautiful, iconic, etc. the w5 also creates these schizoid tendencies, it's a double dose of withdrawing tendencies, situated in the most nihilistic space in the enneagram, feeling not only fundamentally defective but fundamentally cut off, isolated, unable to to be fully present, to be able to let go and just BE (including the inability to do this to fully BE with others).
it creates an extreme defensiveness, especially when someone might see part of you that you were not ready for them to see. because even if they do not mind, if they accept you, you feel like you can see yourself in this disfiguring light through their eyes, through this kind of projection, and you just become ashamed, you get angry for feeling ashamed, so much bitterness and hostility and sharp-edged hatred, based in the e1 kind of resentment way, just feeling disgusted, layers and layers pointed at the self and then when that starts to crumble, losing the equanimity gift to see others beyond what the social expectations placed on them, to truly see them fairly in light of their real experience.
anyway, these are just critical points of conflict. most of the e4s i know learn to handle it, but to sympathize with this actual experience of conflicts helps so much, to recognize what specific insights, authenticities, creative articulations, aesthetic richness, equanimity, ability to reconcile the beautiful with the ugly apart from whatever preconceived notions others have. these are some of the reasons why this conflict, solving this system of conflict, adds something great to the world.