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[NF] NFs and Letting go

Kungpowish

New member
Joined
May 7, 2009
Messages
103
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
two
Not low self esteem, just plain loyalty will keep me in a bad relationship.

I know what you mean, I feel like leaving someone is a betrayal, not logically, just on a gut level.
 

jcloudz

Yup
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
1,525
MBTI Type
Istj
turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices
inside my head
lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don't patronize
don't patronize me

chorus:
i can't make you love me if you don't
you can't make your heart feel
somethin' it wont
here in the dark,in these final hours
i will lay down my heart
and feel the power if you wont
no you wont
cuz i can't make you love me
if you don't

verse:
i'll close my eyes
then i wont see
the love you dont feel
when your holdin' me
morning will come
and i'll do whats right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and i will give up this fight

(chorus)

Raitt Bonnie
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
I hate that song.

Not a personal attack on you - but the lyrics of that song just make my skin crawl. It's so unpleasant.
 

Biaxident

Charting a course
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Messages
3,617
MBTI Type
INFP
Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked. I have to try to bring out what I see as a possibility in them. That, combined with loyalty, kept me in two bad marriages long after I should have left. You'd think I'd learn, and maybe I have, at least to a degree.

The bolded, and only one was like that. The second one I think perhaps I was used to make her life easier, and when I was no longer useful. *BAM* dump me, and move on to the next sucker. All in less than a week.

The longer I think about it, the more warning signs I recognize.

I've learned all right. I've learned that relationships take work from both people, and if the other doesn't want to, run like hell, it's not worth the stress and heartache. Or the financial consequences.
 

Phenix

New member
Joined
Apr 28, 2009
Messages
40
MBTI Type
INFP
I never know when to leave and then I take much too long to do it. Sad to say, I have to feel that the other person must by ok with it in some way before I can drop the hammer. Working on this.
 

erthta

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2009
Messages
1
MBTI Type
INFJ
I am needing to let go.. and it is so hard.... I was with someone for 5 years, had a baby.. he wasn't there.. didn't care... and then he had another baby with someone and named that baby after him... and the whole time blaming me..and then saying he loves me.. and I haven't done anything since we first broke up over a year and half ago..and he's done all this stuff and I feel bad if I would even talk to a guy... and I know I should let go... but I still feel that I love him.. but I don't want to let go..and then he is serious about being with me...

How have others who had problems with letting go let go??
 

Aimee

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2009
Messages
28
MBTI Type
ENFP
5 years and a kid is a lot of history to have with someone. I have successfully ended several relationships through the aid of having the person go see a therapist with me. A detached third party can do wonders to bring perspective and healing to a relationship. You have a child that binds you to him. A therapist can help you and he to clarify where your relationship is currently and where you would like it to go. This helps people to be on the same page. Another component of this process is laying out ground rules so that you are both clear about what is and isn't behavior that facilitates a future together. But sounds like you've got to get clearer about what you want this future to look like. I think this would help your man to be more considerate of your feelings (whether that means stepping up or down for your sake).

A change of scenery can be good. Can you move or at least go out of town someplace else to get some perspective?

Or join a group for single moms trying to get over their exes? You can probably find one on meetup.com. There's also support groups for single parents where you could meet men and women experiencing similar plights.

Prozac helped me get over the nastiest breakup I've had. The most toxic relationship I've ever had was also the hardest to end. Everytime I started to get over it the guy kept coming back. Last time he did I told him there was nothing left for me to do but kill myself for him. I had given him everything and he knew how crushed I became with his on again/off again flights of fancy. I told him if he loved me and cared for me then to please keep his pecker in his pants around me, so to speak. Prozac helped me to gain the distance necessary to be able to envision a future where I could live without this person as a romantic partner in my life. The couple's therapist also helped to get him to fess up about his lack of clarity (and commitment) towards me), and for us to end it amicably, so that we were both able to move on.

Hope this helps.
-Aimee

Best of luck.


I am needing to let go.. and it is so hard.... I was with someone for 5 years, had a baby.. he wasn't there.. didn't care... and then he had another baby with someone and named that baby after him... and the whole time blaming me..and then saying he loves me.. and I haven't done anything since we first broke up over a year and half ago..and he's done all this stuff and I feel bad if I would even talk to a guy... and I know I should let go... but I still feel that I love him.. but I don't want to let go..and then he is serious about being with me...

How have others who had problems with letting go let go??
 

jtanSis1

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2008
Messages
291
MBTI Type
INFP
Easiest way to get over someone is to act as if you don't know them, as a complete stranger. They are back to square 1. As for your own emotions, you have to return to how your life was before you met them, obviously you've changed some but emotions can go back to a more lower level. This is how you leave rebound period.
 

pyramid

New member
Joined
Feb 21, 2010
Messages
101
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w1
Letting go is one of the few things I'm good at: no matter how much I love something, I love everything so I will choose the healthy route over the unhealthy. I also respect others' decisions about what is best for them and try to come to a mutual conclusion that sees a positive light for both people.

Luckily in romantic situations I have mostly been left in the dust vs of me dumping others-- so I'm pretty good at coping by now!!
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
I am needing to let go.. and it is so hard.... I was with someone for 5 years, had a baby.. he wasn't there.. didn't care... and then he had another baby with someone and named that baby after him... and the whole time blaming me..and then saying he loves me.. and I haven't done anything since we first broke up over a year and half ago..and he's done all this stuff and I feel bad if I would even talk to a guy... and I know I should let go... but I still feel that I love him.. but I don't want to let go..and then he is serious about being with me...

How have others who had problems with letting go let go??

It's really draining if you're the person with both feet in, and the other person is dipping their feet in and out. If you have a child together, it makes it even more difficult to deal with because of the represntation of what you both created. As an INFJ you need consistence, security, deep connection and matching commitment from your partner. It must be really hard for you I'm sure, especially with Fe, but it's crucial to make the best decision for yourself and your child. Emotions are hell to live with when they run so deep and painfully. Remember to take care of yourself first, especially when it feels impossible to do so. It's good that you're sharing it here, discussing it can often help. Good luck.
 

jamisloan

New member
Joined
Mar 3, 2010
Messages
13
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
I know for me it's that I try to always see the best in every situation... no matter what. So I always forgive people no matter what (if I have stong feelings about them). I haven't been able to let go of someone for 7 years now and we aren't even together... but I can't let go of it. It feels like it's something inside of me that won't let me. Also, I always think if I do let go... what if something could have happened had I not. I look at things like it would suck way worse regretting something that you didn't do as opposed to something you did do. So I'd rather just keep on and see what happens than to let go and never know.
 

nicola.kirwan

New member
Joined
Mar 28, 2010
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I know what you mean, I feel like leaving someone is a betrayal, not logically, just on a gut level.

Me too. For some reason, no matter how unhappy I am, I feel like it would be wrong to walk away from someone. I also will invariably put their desires above my own. So if I know my cutting things off will hurt them, I'll choose to be miserable myself rather than hurt them by ending things. And guess what, it's made me miserable...:doh:

What would need to happen is some big moral infraction, and then I could chalk it up to incompatible values and not have a problem at all.

Easiest way to get over someone is to act as if you don't know them, as a complete stranger. They are back to square 1. As for your own emotions, you have to return to how your life was before you met them, obviously you've changed some but emotions can go back to a more lower level. This is how you leave rebound period.

I agree, and this really is the only way I'm able to do it. I can't re-adjust so much as I have to end the whole thing and start completely anew.

I know for me it's that I try to always see the best in every situation... no matter what. So I always forgive people no matter what (if I have stong feelings about them). I haven't been able to let go of someone for 7 years now and we aren't even together... but I can't let go of it. It feels like it's something inside of me that won't let me. Also, I always think if I do let go... what if something could have happened had I not. I look at things like it would suck way worse regretting something that you didn't do as opposed to something you did do. So I'd rather just keep on and see what happens than to let go and never know.

I am also plagued by thoughts that if I give up, what if the breakthrough was just around the corner? I feel that in walking away, there's always that possibility that things would have been different had you stayed. Perhaps the solution is to just hone in on presently-available good things to want.
 

Pandar

New member
Joined
Mar 28, 2010
Messages
77
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think I will always have that problem...My dad and I used to have a great relationship. And absolutely wonderful father-daughter whatchyamacallit. When I was fifteen my father hurt me emotionally, essentially damaging our relationship forever. He allowed my stepmother to yell at me for three hours and about halfway through I tried to leave. He told me to sit down, because I needed to hear what she had to say. Apparently what I needed to hear was a drunk woman raving about how her relationship with my father is more important than my relationship with him....

I pretended to understand. Went along with the flow. I was halfway through a month long visit cross country, so I couldn't just up and leave. I was only fifteen. When my high school graduation started to come around the corner I notified my dad. Thinking that he would remember all the good stuff and put aside the negativity, from wherever it came from (I still don't know why he allowed the incident to occur or what I had done to offend my stepmother). I thought he would fly out here and be proud of me, I am his only child and my stepmother can not have children. No. He didn't respond to my first email. He responded to my second with 'I will not be attending'. No 'I apologize' no 'I'm sorry'. I didn't even receive a card from him.

I've tried emailing him off and on. About my accomplishments or whatever was going on. No responses. I receive my American FFA Degree in October. Something that takes an average of five years to complete and is the highest honor in the National FFA Association.

I will be lucky to get a congratulations and yet no matter what my dad is the one I cry for when I am saddest. He always will be.

So yeah. That is my never let go story.
 

gigi_xo

New member
Joined
Mar 4, 2010
Messages
376
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w3
I stayed in one of the world's worst relationships for 2 years

and even now, looking back knowing all I know, I doubt I would have left him.

stupid "love"
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I just see the possible potential in everything and everyone,not just the good but also the bad.
Good and bad exist in everyone and being one does not cancel out the other.
So this makes me very understanding of inappropriate behavior in others.. even hurtful behavior.. and by understanding even in situations when I can't empathize, I eventually forgive, especially if I love the person.
This can make letting go very difficult.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
I just see the possible potential in everything and everyone,not just the good but also the bad.
Good and bad exist in everyone and being one does not cancel out the other.
So this makes me very understanding of inappropriate behavior in others.. even hurtful behavior.. and by understanding even in situations when I can't empathize, I eventually forgive, especially if I love the person.
This can make letting go very difficult.

Yes, I can relate.
 

Falling Snow

New member
Joined
Aug 29, 2009
Messages
13
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
3&7
Once I see potential in someone--even, maybe especially, if it's unrealizable--I'm hooked.

This has been my pattern and I am actively working to change this!! I read this site every day!


It's funny that what you are is often what you get. At least for me it has been that way. It seems like I attract exactly the type of people who are messed up in the same ways as I am.

I sound like a cynic, maybe. But the thing is, as someone pointed out, that the media has created a huge myth around romance and it's not easy to not be obsessed about wanting all of those things. A bit like it is not easy not to want that bigger house or a bigger car.

I do think it's to do with one's own unresolved stuff - it's certainly something worth investigating if one wants to have more successful relationships I think. I liked that last para - I hadn't ever quite seen it that way! I was aware of the media influence, but not that it was 'selling' something just as much as other adverts. I guess the whole cosmetic, beauty, therapy and other industries are fed by romantic films...

I think I will always have that problem...My dad and I used to have a great relationship. And absolutely wonderful father-daughter whatchyamacallit. When I was fifteen my father hurt me emotionally, essentially damaging our relationship forever. He allowed my stepmother to yell at me for three hours and about halfway through I tried to leave. He told me to sit down, because I needed to hear what she had to say. Apparently what I needed to hear was a drunk woman raving about how her relationship with my father is more important than my relationship with him....

I pretended to understand. Went along with the flow. I was halfway through a month long visit cross country, so I couldn't just up and leave. I was only fifteen. When my high school graduation started to come around the corner I notified my dad. Thinking that he would remember all the good stuff and put aside the negativity, from wherever it came from (I still don't know why he allowed the incident to occur or what I had done to offend my stepmother). I thought he would fly out here and be proud of me, I am his only child and my stepmother can not have children. No. He didn't respond to my first email. He responded to my second with 'I will not be attending'. No 'I apologize' no 'I'm sorry'. I didn't even receive a card from him.

I've tried emailing him off and on. About my accomplishments or whatever was going on. No responses. I receive my American FFA Degree in October. Something that takes an average of five years to complete and is the highest honor in the National FFA Association.

I will be lucky to get a congratulations and yet no matter what my dad is the one I cry for when I am saddest. He always will be.

So yeah. That is my never let go story.

[hugs Pandar tight]

that is one of the saddest stories I've heard. What a terrible betrayal. All I can say is that your Dad has made a mistake - adults do. How you respond to this is your business of course, but just know that it is NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Get on and live your life and never let this hold you back. Find other people to encourage you and to be proud of you. Hell, I'm proud of your achievement and I don't even know you.

[goes away shaking her head and muttering]
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
I end up staying too long because I just rack my brain trying to make it work...
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I end up staying too long because I just rack my brain trying to make it work...

When you consider the investment you put into relationships, emotionaly, financialy and spiritually it is disheartening to face that they payoff will be a broken heart and a balance of zero or even a deficit.
This is another reason to cling on or to rack your brain looking for solutions.
I find it very difficult to just give up on someone, give up on the dreams and aspirations that were once shared.
The idea that despite you best efforts, You cannot prevent what seems inevidble is crushing.
I find those moments worse than facing the idea of death.
 

Quiet

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
282
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5
When you consider the investment you put into relationships, emotionaly, financialy and spiritually it is disheartening to face that they payoff will be a broken heart and a balance of zero or even a deficit.
This is another reason to cling on or to rack your brain looking for solutions.
I find it very difficult to just give up on someone, give up on the dreams and aspirations that were once shared.
The idea that despite you best efforts, You cannot prevent what seems inevidble is crushing.
I find those moments worse than facing the idea of death.

Well I always ask myself what did I do wrong. Relationships are complicated and emotionally investing, so it is natural to hold back to some degree until one is sure. I have let go of everything and just opened up before but trust was broken and I passed huge judgments but still remained with the person...

I have my needs, and I always hope that my needs will be in synch and compatible with another's.
 
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