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[ENFP] Depressed young ENFP?

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
Help, my 17yr old ENFP brother is unbelievably depressed and I can't seem to help him get out of it.

He has made some really bad judgement calls in the last year (of the criminal kind) and has really messed up his life. He is homeless and is now living with me and I can't motivate him in the slightest to try to take back some control in his life.

He has no idea what he wants to do with himself, but he has to do something because I can't afford to keep him in the style he has become accustomed to (thanks to criminal activities). He is really depressed and everything sounds unappealing to him.

If he screws up again he will end up in prison and I really don't want to see him end up that way.,

He seems to have no patience on obtaining things the old fashioned way, which I understand via the peer pressure he is under, but I need him to snap out of it for his own sake.

What works in motivating an ENFP to grab control back at that age?

What would you as an ENFP need, or you as someone dealing with an ENFP say or do to help him balance out?

Of course I don't want to meddle or seem controlling, I want to give him free reign in his own life to make mistakes and learn from them, but then again there are some mistakes, like the ones he is making now, that he will not be able to bounce back from so easily. Like a criminal record and what that could do to his future career.
 

Lady_X

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oh...i am so sorry.
the best i can come up with is that he may just need help visualizing where he wants to be in a couple of years time....how does he want to see his life....what things is he good at...if he can translate his skills in whatever criminal activity he was involved in to something positive...like was he good at sales...good with people...research...can he work towards a career that will utilize those skills....??

if he has a drug problem though...he's going to need rehab....don't try to do that on your own...i'm sorry i wish i could be more help...maybe one of the younger guy enfp's will come along and answer in a bit.
 

BerberElla

12 and a half weeks
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,725
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infp
oh...i am so sorry.
the best i can come up with is that he may just need help visualizing where he wants to be in a couple of years time....how does he want to see his life....what things is he good at...if he can translate his skills in whatever criminal activity he was involved in to something positive...like was he good at sales...good with people...research...can he work towards a career that will utilize those skills....??

if he has a drug problem though...he's going to need rehab....don't try to do that on your own...i'm sorry i wish i could be more help...maybe one of the younger guy enfp's will come along and answer in a bit.

Yes, I was talking to him about trying to visualise himself a few years from now, and he said he couldn't see anything apart from a crap life waiting for him, so I tried to get him to visualise himself 6 months from now, then 1 month from now, but again he is really depressed and he can't see anything.

Infact the whole conversation seemed to make him even more depressed and stressed out about things.

If I could afford to I would cover his costs and give him more time to make a decision, since the pressure to make the decision is stressing him so much, but I honestly can't.

He seems to think that if he commits to one course, ie a job or back to college (which he would get paid for) then that is what he will be stuck as forever, so I tried to get him to see that whatever he chooses need only be a taster and that he had nothing to lose if he changed his mind and opted for something else after, and that still didn't work lol

My brother is normally so bubbly, charming, funny and kind to people, seeing him like this is upsetting. :cry:

Thanks for replying :)
 

Lady_X

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hmm...
i know that for me...a lil inspiration goes a long way so
if you could find a book about someone who overcame the same situation that might help...or a movie even...pursuit of happiness with will smith was really good :)
and maybe a meeting with a career counselor
i would also suggest he see a dr. to make sure he doesn't need medication...if he doesn't...he may still benefit from some mood elevators like st. johns wort or b12 or something
and a lil company and some laughs...i'm sorry that's the best i can come up with....good luck to you. :)
 

BlueScreen

Fail 2.0
Joined
Nov 8, 2008
Messages
2,668
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YMCA
Yes, I was talking to him about trying to visualise himself a few years from now, and he said he couldn't see anything apart from a crap life waiting for him, so I tried to get him to visualise himself 6 months from now, then 1 month from now, but again he is really depressed and he can't see anything.

Infact the whole conversation seemed to make him even more depressed and stressed out about things.

If I could afford to I would cover his costs and give him more time to make a decision, since the pressure to make the decision is stressing him so much, but I honestly can't.

He seems to think that if he commits to one course, ie a job or back to college (which he would get paid for) then that is what he will be stuck as forever, so I tried to get him to see that whatever he chooses need only be a taster and that he had nothing to lose if he changed his mind and opted for something else after, and that still didn't work lol

My brother is normally so bubbly, charming, funny and kind to people, seeing him like this is upsetting. :cry:

Thanks for replying :)

I got depressed at this time in my life also. It was maybe one of the best things that happened to me because it drove the transition from being just bubbly, charming, funny and kind, to being a fully developed ENFP. We actually need to make that transition. You get to a point where you are self aware enough to realise you aren't doing the rest of yourself credit by just being that nice guy. I can tell you I went close to going over the edge quite a few times but never really wanted to take the easy way out, still by no means take it lightly. Depression is a serious thing.

Only things I'd say are help him think through it (it works with ENFPs), and lots of hugs. I've never minded anyone wanting to care or be closer. If he pushes you away it might be because he knows it is a fall he needs to take. In the years following it, I had the most productive session of my life. Between 18 and 22 I set the ground work for all the things I love now, which before that age I had nothing to do with.

If he doesn't see the future as positive, it is because it is closed. We hate just walking the path to where we are going. It, control and detail are probably our most common causes of stress. I've just come out of doing physics and engineering that drove me almost completely insane. And a few months ago I had the same thoughts. I really couldn't be bothered anymore and I wasn't doing my normal switch into overdrive and dig myself out thing. I found what i needed was to fill in details so i could see the positives and to have an escape route. A break at the beach worked well and helped my mind switch on enough again to realise where I was at.

Oh yeh, the bad calls are related to the stress. When stressed we start neglecting details, and when we start doing that all the information from the Ne has no firm reference to judge on. We pretty much bash at whatever is holding us in place to try to get out, whether that is school, work, society, our image. In the end the only goal is escape. When he gets that escape, whatever form it comes in, he will settle more to being himself again. At that age for me with hormones and everything, it took a few years though.
 

r0wo1

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Nov 4, 2008
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Not being an enfp, I can only give advice from what I have seen in enfp friends, that have kind of made poor choices as well.

For my enfp friends, they tend to be very influenced whether for good or for bad from their peers. It would probably be very positive for your brother to have some friends who want to influence him for the good.

He needs positive support from his family as well. Somebody to encourage his good decisions and openly (but carefully) discourage the poor ones.

And a goal :), something to look forward too. As an N he has to spend at least sometime focusing on the future. He needs something positive in the near future he can get himself excited about. A hobby that could turn into a career? A fun night class at a college? Depends on the person I think.

Thats off the top of my head, I dunno if it helps at all, but I'll think about it some more and see if I have any good ideas. :)
 

BlueScreen

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Not being an enfp, I can only give advice from what I have seen in enfp friends, that have kind of made poor choices as well.

For my enfp friends, they tend to be very influenced whether for good or for bad from their peers. It would probably be very positive for your brother to have some friends who want to influence him for the good.

He needs positive support from his family as well. Somebody to encourage his good decisions and openly (but carefully) discourage the poor ones.

And a goal :), something to look forward too. As an N he has to spend at least sometime focusing on the future. He needs something positive in the near future he can get himself excited about. A hobby that could turn into a career? A fun night class at a college? Depends on the person I think.

Thats off the top of my head, I dunno if it helps at all, but I'll think about it some more and see if I have any good ideas. :)

Nah, they are good points. With the wrong friends our evil side comes out. We normally won't join them in the worst stuff, but our ideas inspire a lot of it.

The future one is difficult. If he sees the future can go anywhere, which as an ENFP it probably can then he will be fine. One goal might not be enough, we really love openness and adaptability in things.
 

r0wo1

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Maybe not so much a goal then but rather the hobby then? Something constructive? Something that would pick him up when he's down and something he can look forward to?
 

Lady_X

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^^^ agreed
if you can really zone in on a special talent that he has and help him figure out some of the exciting ways in which he can utilize them...i think that should help...a lil ego stroking and inspiration :)
 

mlittrell

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encourage him as a person. the best way, for me at least, to pull an ENFP out of a funk is to a) encourage them, as a person. point out all of their good qualities and tell them how those qualities will help them in the future, and point out the bad qualities and how to eradicate them (also try to downplay those bad qualities a little). b) try to lend some logic to the situation. it gets them out of the emotional funk and back into the real world. truthfully an ENTP would be excellent at getting them out of this, but you are an INFP so you should be able to associate with them

so be kind and caring but use logic to bring them back and encourage them as a person. got it :)?
 

Nillerz

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Nov 3, 2008
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You have no control over the past, it's a cancelled check. And you have no control over the future because you don't know what's going to happen. The maximum point of power in your life is NOW.
 

GZA

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I can't really offer much advice, but I sympathize with this a lot because one of my good childhood friends is in a similar situation -he's 18, he has a criminal record (assult), he has no direction in life, and I would guess he's depressed (I can only guess the depression based on his lack of direction, drug habit, and the way his older brother talks about him. I'm not emotionally close to him any more). He might be ENFP, too, lives with his parents and sells weed... My childhood friend's older brother went through a similar, but less consequential depression (less consequential in that he never got a criminal record), and he's just sort of naturally out growing it now on his own.

I was more depressed and sad and angry when I was a younger kid/preteen and I believe what got me out of that and in a way greatly prevented depression and drug abuse now (I'm 17) was getting a good hobby. For me it was playing guitar. It gave me an emotional and creative outlet, it gave me something to work very hard on that also came naturally, and it showed me that I was worth more and improved my self esteem when I realized I was actually getting better at it. Giving him something outside of himself to identify with could be helpful, but I realize it's easier said than done.

I'm rooting for you though, I feel very concerned for kids like your son and my friend, I care about their problems and I always hope they get better. I'm rooting for you 100%.
 

Twixt

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Oct 12, 2008
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I'm sorry to hear that.

One suggestion i have is... (if you're Christian) get him to talk to God more? Reading scripture/going to church/getting support from church friends etc. I understand this may not be possible though. Might not even be effective if your brother feels patronized. But this is something that's REALLY, REALLY worked for me and I thought it could help :)

I think the main thing is that he needs to believe in himself again. I agree with noigmn that this depressed 'stage' is probably something we all need to go through (ENFPs, i mean). After we get through this terrible, horrid dark unhappy excruciating period, we learn a lot. At least, that's what I feel/think.

I think he's lacking a lot of confidence right now and is feeling really hopeless, so he doesn't think he can accomplish anything. He thinks he lacks the ability/drive to do anything remotely positive. I agree with the others here; you could help by just encouraging him, emphasizing his strengths and firmly, honestly believing in him and his abilities, believing in him as a person, telling him that he can do it. Be logical and realistic when you tell him this because if not it will seem like you are being patronising/unrealistic, and he will close up and not listen. I agree that giving him logic and facts will help him get out of this emotional wreck - snap him outta it.

Then from there, see what educational courses or work his strengths can lead to. Try to get a list of ENFP careers (there are quite a few on the internet) as well as ENFP education majors, run through that with him, it may help? And help him to IDENTIFY WHAT WENT WRONG, what triggered all this, what brought on everything and his bad decisions and his unhappiness. Every minute thing that could have contributed to this, help him run through it/think through it. Maybe once you guys realize the main reason (or was it a combination of reasons?), you can figure out how to tackle this problem better. Was it a rejection? A failure that led to low self-esteem? A strong need to be socially accepted? It could be anything; I found that for me personally it was an event - I was rejected from a school sports group I really wanted to join. Once you figure out what the problem is you can see how to do damage control; fix the original problem.

Just my two-cents worth, I'm not sure it really made sense (i think i could be going round in circles here) but anyway i hope this helps :):):)
 

Into It

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I'm a 20 year old ENFP who has been depressed for approximately 5 years. It's very difficult for you to logically appeal to this ENFP when he has his own visions of what to do and his Fi telling him it is ok. His Fi must be worked on, so anything that is causing that unhealthiness needs to be realized as unhealthy by him. How do you make this happen? I don't know. An ENFP can be a very stubborn type to deal with as far as making them change their minds about things. For instance, I don't agree with following laws set forth by a state that I don't agree with, written by people I do not know and voted on by people who do not represent my interests. I would never follow the law just because it's "the law," that is, I would commit any crime within my own moral code provided that I was sure I would not get caught. Your brother doesn't seem to be very good at not getting caught when violating the law. Therefore, his behavior is going to have to change or else he's going to find himself in serious trouble. I would propose that a radical overhaul of his self is the only thing that could save him, since past behavior is such a good indicator of future behavior. This could mean recommending he see a doctor. Perhaps if he were more content or less lethargic, he could carry out routine tasks more easily and get himself on the right track to doing something he could excel at and enjoy. In short, if he didn't get so much displeasure from working in a typical manner, behaving in a typical way, working for some time at a typical job, he would not resort to theft anymore. Theft is the product of laziness, and laziness is a product of depression. Maybe he needs to be treated, these underlying factors may be the cause of the behaviors. Focusing on fixing the behaviors themselves will not work.

Edit: Possibly insert "dealing drugs" in place of "theft," but this guy is certainly trying to fast-track the money if he needs it, because he isn't going to survive in a typical work atmosphere.
 

Nonsensical

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I would just give him my whole heart..give him my full attention, love for him, in any way you can, because in one way or another, he will benefit from it; rethnk things, start over, after a while..and he will pass it on to others, he will understand..one simple act of love triggers a chain reaction, and it's the technique for the healer..we love, and it goes farther then we ever expect it to go..
 

soleil

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encourage him as a person. the best way, for me at least, to pull an ENFP out of a funk is to a) encourage them, as a person. point out all of their good qualities and tell them how those qualities will help them in the future, and point out the bad qualities and how to eradicate them (also try to downplay those bad qualities a little). b) try to lend some logic to the situation. it gets them out of the emotional funk and back into the real world. truthfully an ENTP would be excellent at getting them out of this, but you are an INFP so you should be able to associate with them

so be kind and caring but use logic to bring them back and encourage them as a person. got it :)?

That will definitely work. I agree with mlittrell. Hope your bro gets out of the funk. :hug:
 

Roflcopter

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Apr 15, 2009
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Actually, I think a good solution is to get him involved in music (as in learning an instrument). It is a great venting tool, a guitar or bass would be a great start. Plus, all that songwriting inspiration! :cheese:
 

hard_rain

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I can't really think of anything else to add. Being an 18 year old myself, I think what would help me the most would be seeing the potential for change. He should be around people that motivate him and inspire him, but still interest him. What he needs to see is that change is possible and within reach.
 

Thalassa

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I know you say you don't want to meddle, and that's understandable, but he's 17 and is accustomed to a certain lifestyle from criminal activities? I don't know too many people who would blame you for "meddling". It sounds like he needs some SERIOUS guidance in his life right now, and it might come more easily from a sister (who is closer to being a peer) than a parent.
 
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