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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2020

    Question Getting back with an INFJ ex girlfriend

    Greetings everyone!
    I am very new to this forum, and forums in general for that matter.
    I am here to ask the INFJ's if it is possible to get back with them after they broke up with you.

    Let me give you a quick overlook on my relationship with my INFJ ex girlfriend:

    We had a 3,5y relationship.
    I am now 27 she is 23.

    We met at the university. I had two prior relationships before her (3m and 1y) and she just one (3y).
    Because I am very picky and not at all into casual flings and I am very ambitious about my profession, I was never seeking actively to get into a relationship with someone.

    But the first time I saw her, it was love at first sight. I never had such strong intense feelings for anyone before. It was like time slowed down and everything was more colorful when she stepped in the cafeteria.
    As INFJ usually are, she looked cold on the outside, which later I discovered to be her defense mechanism. But despite all that, and my enthusiastic and fast paced nature, I was able to take it very slowly with her and persevere.

    We had our first amazing date in February, then another in March, and finally, on our third date in April, I invited her to stay over, and she accepted. We talked all night, and we fell asleep holding each others hands. The funny thing, is that the next day we would have our very FIRST KISS (I know, I took it real slow, but I had a hunch and I knew that it was worth it) and it was out of this world. Then slow but steady, she opened up to me and I discovered her most colorful world. She was sensitive, she was intelligent and funny, she was very empathetic, she was everything and more.

    Fast forward into the relationship, we had our ups and downs. She showed me her more independent side that came in conflict with my more "needy" side, and that was the main issue of our relationship (It came out mostly when we were long distance, as she is a very in the moment person, and if I was not there, she would just focus on her life and didn't fulfill my need for attention). But I stayed strong, and she as well.
    For the first time in my life, I was ambitious about a relationship as I was about my career. She brought out the best in me. I was trying to be the perfect man for her. And I had the same effect on her. I became more independent myself, thus respecting her needs more. She became more attentive to my "needy" side and gave me the love I wanted. She was on my mind, every day for the duration of the relationship. She was the voice of reason in my head and the whispers of love in my heart.
    After 3 years, I knew I wanted more. I was ready to move in with her and continue to build this amazing relationship. But she was very clear about it, she was not ready and she did not want to. I fully accepted her wish, as I knew that forcing someone won't lead to anything good. Yet in my head I knew I had to brace myself.

    In the country where I finished my uni, I started being unhappy, as I had a dilemma about where should I settle. Either I settled there for her and for my professional future, or maybe go back in my own country to be close to my family. I knew if I go back, I had to break things up with my girl (she was a local). So the thought train was running at full speed, for a long time, thus making me sometimes depressed, inadvertently damaging the relationship (that is true for the last year of the relationship). So I decided to go back home for a short period of time and try to figure things out and then come back with new fresh energy and determination and work on my life and on the relationship.

    So I left for a total of 5 months. I know it seems a lot, but it was not that bad. First of all we handled the long distance way better than before (especially me, I was very assertive and I knew how to respect her independence). The first month she was super busy with her final project at the uni, so the space was welcomed. I was already preparing to visit her at the beginning of July. But when I talked to her about that, she seemed off and not very happy about me coming. We had an argument, and I let it slip that we might end things (I don't know why I said that, maybe I was preparing myself for the worst and I had to anticipate things). Anyways, I still went to her and we had long conversations about our future together.
    Then she visited my country in August and we had a great time together, and finally I came back for real in October 2019.

    The destiny works in funny ways, but because I had to wait a month to get my new flat, I lived with her for that period. I was very happy and content with myself, I was focusing hard on my work and on her. But, unfortunately she did not feel the same way about this experience, at least not at the end. She started being very irritated by me and I knew that it was time to have a final talk. We sat down, and like we would always do during the relationship, I started asking her questions, inquiring, and slowly she opened up. I clearly asked her if she wants to break up and while she did not say it explicitly, she was leaning towards this. We had long discussions, for about two weeks, she had moments of doubt, even asking if we do the right thing(I was mature enough to know that if we want to build something truly magnificent, her doubts and my doubts need to be handled in a very individual manner, and the breakup would give us exactly that. Either we love enough to get back or we don't).

    At the time I felt like this was shaping up to be a mutual break up, as I did empathize with her and I wanted to protect myself as much as possible. We did say the words in the end. We were broken up, but it took us another two weeks to really "break it off". Everything was done amicably, full of sweet words and understanding (she even cried a few times). I went No contact directly, but as it was Christmas and New Year time she kept sending me best wishes and some more casual texts. Also I knew I needed moral support from my family so I bought a plane ticket for January.

    The first weeks were very hard on me and I knew I have to get closure before my departure, so I prepared her a beautiful present with a letter of "acceptance", for her birthday that was in the beginning of January. I went to her parents house and left if on her desk, as I knew she would come there to celebrate with her family.
    Well, she was super touched by that and felt the need to give me a letter as well. It was a farewell letter, where she wished me the best things and saying how amazing our relationship and I were and how much it changed her for the better.

    Since then, I am back in my country, full No Contact, as I know that it's the best thing to do for both of us. I still didn't kill the hope just yet, but it's slowly coming to it, as detaching and refocusing on myself and improving is my top priority at the moment.

    Now my question is, is there any way my INFJ ex girlfriend would want to get back with me? I know this is highly unlikely for her personality, but I felt the urge to ask the community.
    For me this relationship was very special and not something you come across easily in life. But maybe it was not the same for her.

    You can be honest, as I prefer to kill asap my hopes rather than linger.

    Thank you very much for reading this long-ass thread and especially for taking time to reply!

    Wish you the best,

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden Fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    I think it depends on why the breakup occurred. Sounds like you were just in different places. 23 is still very young. Are you willing to wait for a couple of years, or no? If it were me, as long as it didn't seem we were fundamentally incompatible or that we'd hurt one another irreparably, I think I'd consider getting back together with someone. You seem to understand a lot of the usual infj tendencies and considerations. Did you feel like you understood why she was irritated when you lived together, or no?

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