[NF] Are people drawn to us NF's when they need emotion??

[Desperado44]

I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?

Is it the NF's emotional/passionate make up?? Are they drawn to that when they are feeling unhappy??

By the way, I have NOT pursued any of them....but I'm starting to get a complex.

 

[pippi]

Fe is pretty attractive when you are starved for affection. I seek it out in the people I surround myself with. Plus the George Clooney thing is hard to resist.

 

[sarah]

I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?

Is it the NF's emotional/passionate make up?? Are they drawn to that when they are feeling unhappy??

By the way, I have NOT pursued any of them....but I'm starting to get a complex.

Yeah, Fe is a very powerfully attractive function (I'm married to an ENFJ...)

Healthy NFs are very empathic, so people who are going through a personal life crisis such as an unhappy marriage on the verge of breaking up will tend to seek relationships with a person who won't judge them and who will make them feel good about who they are, apart from their social and physical assets. In my experience, some NFs are wonderful at making people feel truly valued as human beings. Sometimes friendly gestures can be misinterpreted as romantic if the other person is actively looking for that kind of thing and is doing a lot of wishful-thinking. But I don't think it's your fault, and I think the problem is with these women who don't respect your boundaries.

Sarah
ISFP

 

[disregard]

If a shark smells blood, it's gonna pursue the source.

If you don't want to be a target for emotional leeches, stop being so receptive to their woes.

 

[Anja]

I have pretty good boundaries when it comes to this kind of stuff and haven't had any serious problems with the sexual approach for years now. My age helps some. Yet this can happen at any age, I think.

But, when I am feeling particularly strong and healthy, it isn't unusual for strangers to approach me with something troubling them. And I've become accustomed, and sometimes, receptive to it.

For me it's a matter of intuiting what may be problematic or not.

In your case it sounds like it would be worth calling it out pronto if you genuinely aren't interested.

 

[speculative]

If a shark smells blood, it's gonna pursue the source.

If you don't want to be a target for emotional leeches, stop being so receptive to their woes.

I stopped being receptive and saw a drastic change within a week.

Just be sure not to take an "attitude" while you're turning off the faucet. Keep a smile on your face, and then when you ignore they're emotion needs they'll rightly think it's them, not you...

 

[cascadeco]

I agree there are people who can abuse the general goodwill of the NF, and who start leeching off of it, and it becomes more of a chronic pattern - and that's where it's important to set boundaries.

But let's face it, sometimes life really sucks, and people just need to dump their issues onto someone who listens and can empathize. Someone who won't judge, and someone who will just let them be vulnerable and 'broken'.

To the OP, that's rather unfortunate, especially in a dicey situation where it's the wife of one of your friends. I'd kindly but firmly set some boundaries regarding that.

I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.

 

[Desperado44]

I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.

Wow...does that ever describe me. I'm in an unhealthy pattern of this now....and have been for some time.

I appreciate all these responses. I'm contemplating each of them.

Its strange, I can walk into a room and the most vulnerable person in the room will somehow find me. This is especially true of women......and I tend to be VERY attracted to them....

Its unhealthy.....

 

[Edgar]

I am currenty dealing with a serious issue.

I have the THIRD married woman in the past year pursuing me.....unhappy in her marriage....and this time its a buddy's wife....we've always been attracted to each other...and now she is coming on a like a freight train.

I don't get it. What do I put out there that makes these married women interested?

I have an answer, but it is not related to Myers Briggs or you specifically: Married women want to feel appreciated when their husbands take them for granted. Hence they look for that appreciation outside of marriage and start "coming on like a freight train" to men that show even a small bit of interest in them.

Also, on a related topic, recently divorced chicks are really easy to pick up.

 

[CzeCze]

I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.

Amen!



The interesting thing I have found are NF's (or FJ's?) who tend to be super caring and supportive of their partners and end up feeling taken advantage of or dissatisfied with their relationship(s)

Then they find me and I guess I make them feel better because I don't use them like their previous partners, I inject laughter and fun in their lives, and basically "make them feel good/better" I'm kinda like them, but I do the job they usually do. I make them into a taker and not a giver.

OMG, stop using me to make you feel better!!!

I think as an ENFP particularly, I have to avoid the trap of trying to make the person feel *happy* because you often try to make people feel good as a way of attracting them to you or just because you like them. Sometimes people interpret my actions for more than they are.

The irony is once this dynamic is set up, it can (and usually?) totally backfires for you. The romantic partnership and connection can't really grow because you set up a pattern of basically supporting/making them feel good and this is your function. You're not so much an actual romantic partner. Basically the whole 'ego repair' thing Casc. mentions.

So you're giving and giving, thinking this person is really into you and wants to be with you, but really they just need something you offer and something that other people could offer. You just happen to be good timing or do it better.

Does that make sense?

What further complicates it is that even when you don't love someone or aren't in love with them or even attracted to them, you can truly care about them or develop attachment or a sense of intimacy.

Egads.

I just turned myself off to relationships.

Thanks. LOL.

 

[animenagai]

i think i used to play this role more back when i was more quiet. hey, i was a good listener. now, i sorta just spill my own stuff out willingly, and sometimes this comforts others and lets them open up. i'm still an emotional go-to-guy, just less so.

 

[Moiety]

I can somewhat relate to this topic, as a few times in the past I tended to get involved with men who were emotionally unavailable, but ones who wanted to be...comforted/cared for. So I helped to heal and comfort them, so they'd be in tiptop shape for the next woman who they *really* wanted to be in a relationship with. :rolli: I've learned to not play that role anymore.

You gotta be positive about it - you get to satisfy your urges and do a good deed at the end of the day. You've helped make a better world, and you've learned a little more about relationships in the process


I never served as a listener to a woman in all my life, in part because I don't have that many lady friends and in part because I like to subtly instill the notion that, I'm tough guy and nothing in life gets to me, when I'm around them. I don't get that many girls so maybe that says something about the whole thing (being a listener).

 

[jtanSis1]

Ah the dreaded friend zone. "Oh, thanks for being a friend for me but now I don't see you in a romantic way." Then they go off, and come back when something new is wrong or we become the standby person they will be interested in when noone else is then leave again when all's well. Just because I treat you like a friend doesn't mean I don't want you to take me seriously. We might be good at counseling but understand why we might be helping you. We're not your private therapist for free for no reason. Sorry if that's harsh but I like to help but I like to know that I'm appreciated for it.

 

[BerberElla]

We're not your private therapist for free for no reason. Sorry if that's harsh but I like to help but I like to know that I'm appreciated for it.

+1

Mind you according to the advice of this poster : "judgemental post" that's about all we are good for.

 

[mlittrell]

like everyone is saying, she is probably drawn to the Fe. she might also be drawn to (if your the traditional ENFJ) your charisma and social smoothness. i know a lot of very charismatic ENFJs that interest a lot of women just on that trait.

 

[The Third Rider]

It seems like people always came to me when they had emotional issues, but I am personally sick of that role. I had a friend (a girl) that I had known for several years and we used to talk a lot and hang out. Than she started to have A LOT of issues and she practically called me just about every day to get emotinal support from me, which I provided for her and I tried my best to help her out. This went of for like a year and I even ended up getting into some arguments trying to defend her ass. So after a ton of crying, bitching, sobbing and me being there to help her out with anything and everything I could she moved on to college away from all her issues. So, as all her issues went away she completely ignored me, she never called me or contacted me in any away until a year later when she called. Wouldn't you know it, she only called me because she needed a favor from me and didn't even ask me how I was doing. Interestingly enough I found out through her mother that she was also getting married and I was not even invited to her wedding. I never even intended to have a romantic relationship with her or anything but I was there for her during all her freaking issues and gave her all the emotional support she wanted, at least a fucking "thank you" would have been nice to hear for being there for her sorry ass. The fact that she stopped calling me after her issues were solved and I wasn't even invited to the wedding was a huge slap in face to me. I am never doing the whole emotional support shit ever agian, people only use you and never appreciate all that you do for them.

 

[Anja]

I say this a lot because it's something that works for me -

Never give anything away that you wouldn't want taken from you.

Solves the problem of ending up feeling used.

 

[BerberElla]

It seems like people always came to when they had emotional issues, but I personally sick of that role. I had a friend (a girl) that I had known for several years and we used to talk a lot and hang out. Than she started to have A LOT of issues and she prectiacally called me just about every day to get emotinal support from me, which I provided for her and I tried my best to help her out. This went of for like a year and I even ended up getting into some arguments try to defend her ass. So after a ton of crying, bitching, sobbing and me being there to help her out with anything and everything I could she moved on to college away from all her issues. So, as all her issues went away she completely ignored me, she never called me or contacted me in any away until a year later when she called. Wouldn't you know she only called me because she needed a favor from me and didn't even ask me how I was doing. Interestingly enough I found out through her mother that she was also getting married and I was not even invited to her wedding. I never even intended to have a romantic relationship with her or anything but I was there for her during all her freaking issues and gave her all the emotional support she wanted, at least a fucking "thank you" would have been nice to hear for being there for her sorry ass. The fact that she stopped calling me after her issues were solved and I wasn't even invited to the wedding was a huge slap in face to me. I am never doing the whole emotional support shit ever agian, people only use you and never appreciate all that you do for them.

I feel you, been there, done that, wearing the T shirt as I type lol.

It sucks when people do that to you.

 

[Siegfried]

Ah the dreaded friend zone. "Oh, thanks for being a friend for me but now I don't see you in a romantic way." Then they go off, and come back when something new is wrong or we become the standby person they will be interested in when noone else is then leave again when all's well. Just because I treat you like a friend doesn't mean I don't want you to take me seriously. We might be good at counseling but understand why we might be helping you. We're not your private therapist for free for no reason. Sorry if that's harsh but I like to help but I like to know that I'm appreciated for it.

Aww, you're appreciated, hehe.

 

[jtanSis1]

It's great to be the martyr and help the ills of the world, but not so you can make the same mistake again. I'm starting to see how God feels about unrepentant sinners. Society has made us believe in instant intimacy, that only good feelings are involved. Instant intimacy only hurts them since it doesn't fill the entire void. Intimacy is about getting close, being hurt, and still loving them and persevering. It's other-person focused, not being self-centered and about ourselves, but with an open heart that can stand the pain just to be closer. That's what makes us so vital is our preference to have an open heart to others. Sorry If this is preachy or too deep, probably wrong topic for this.