[ENFJ] what to do about this confusing enfj. (super guarded and not an open person)

[Pengola]

I've dated an Enfj once before and its the same thing. Very guarded and hard to get to know. Is this usually the case with Enfjs?

Anyway, i'm in the early getting to know you phase with this new Enfj and ive run into the same roadblocks. We met on tinder he 3 weeks ago. He is in Germany, i'm moving there in 2 weeks hence we havent eactly met yet. Like i know he was interested because he messaged me everyday, when he says "im going out now but ill message you when i get home" he always does. Butttt I'm the one constantly having to lead the conversation and think about what to talk about.

I try to bring up funny stories and i get a "haha lol" then he goes silent and doesn't know what to say. I ask him a ton of questions to get to know him better which he seems to like but most of his responses are quite shallow in the sense that he never opens up to have deeper conversation. I even tried to start by opening up first and talking about my insecurities but his response has been pretty lacking when it comes to that too! I just cant figure him out and its doing my head in. He doesn't seem to like it either when I bring up heavier topics too.

I recently had a confrontation with him where I was like "why do you always refuse to call me over the phone?" And his response is "im just not a calling type of guy. I prefer sending snaps and texting" I also mentioned that its bothering me he isn't getting to know me better by talking about deeper things but his response is "I just cant get deeper than this over text when you are not in front of me because how can i see your feelings or know if what you say and convey is true?" And I was like then just effing call me cos its so much more personal in a call than in a text. This frustrated the crap out of me because my previous ex we met on tinder the same way, called over the phone before we met in person and ended up dating for over a year.

Am thinking perhaps I should perhaps do one of the following:

a) play hard to get (though I am not sure if this works well on ENFJs or if it will even work on him because he seems to have some experience with girls ignoring or dropping him and losing interest once the conversation dies down)

b) tell him he is frustrating the crap outta me and why (but I don't know if this will change anything. I just worry he will think this is too much drama and shut off completely. Also im not sure but arent ENFJs very bad at handling conflict/confrontation?

Any advice Enfjs reading this? I thought ENFJs are very head over heels with someone they like unless he just isnt that into me? Or is it the whole us not meeting in person thing that limits him? Nowaways I'm the one messaging him first ever since we had that confrontation.

 

[The Cat]

It very well could be the lack of an in person connection. Which might not be an issue when you move there, but you could have also come on too intense? Either way it seems like y'all are moving at different speeds. Rather than trying to leverage the relationship towards a certain outcome, consider just trying to let things develop naturally. They might be more casual than you are, or have different romantic experiences that have led them to a different way of dating. You can certainly tell him how much its bothering you, but you do risk the shut off. Of course you risk that with playing hard to get too. But I would advise if you can, dialing it back a bit, until you at least meet in person then you go from there. But if you never meet, you're just friendsly pen pals.

Good luck for the both you though ^_^

 

[Fidelia]

In my experience, I think it's actually misleading to become really close to someone you've not met in person, as it feels very different when you actually meet, and it's opposite of the usual way we get to know people by starting from basic getting to know a person using senses, graduating to getting to know them psychologically. So he may have experienced that not working out before.

I would be a bit suspicious though if once you're there, he avoids meeting up but still wants to be in regular touch or if he does not connect with you on a deeper level once you meet.

Often people who act in confusing ways have some unresolved emotional stuff, which means I wouldn't rush into a relationship, as those issues will affect how the two of you relate.

Some enfjs are quite private about really vulnerable things, but are rarely at a loss for conversation and often are the initiators. They also really like to host/put others at ease, so this doesn't sound typical.

I actually think enfjs are quite good communicators by nature, but it depends (like any other type) on their confidence and emotional health and past history. If you've been drawn to people before who don't communicate well, it's worth considering why that is (speaking from experience here).

Perhaps if you are from different cultures, cultural differences in relating is another factor that may go in the mix. I actually don't think this is a type related issue.

 

[Pengola]

In my experience, I think it's actually misleading to become really close to someone you've not met in person, as it feels very different when you actually meet, and it's opposite of the usual way we get to know people by starting from basic getting to know a person using senses, graduating to getting to know them psychologically. So he may have experienced that not working out before.

I would be a bit suspicious though if once you're there, he avoids meeting up but still wants to be in regular touch or if he does not connect with you on a deeper level once you meet.

Often people who act in confusing ways have some unresolved emotional stuff, which means I wouldn't rush into a relationship, as those issues will affect how the two of you relate.

Some enfjs are quite private about really vulnerable things, but are rarely at a loss for conversation and often are the initiators. They also really like to host/put others at ease, so this doesn't sound typical.

I actually think enfjs are quite good communicators by nature, but it depends (like any other type) on their confidence and emotional health and past history. If you've been drawn to people before who don't communicate well, it's worth considering why that is (speaking from experience here).

Perhaps if you are from different cultures, cultural differences in relating is another factor that may go in the mix. I actually don't think this is a type related issue.

Hrm i think you might be right. 2 weeks ago we previously agreed to go on a date on the 16th of april, today he just said he is not committing to anything because he might be wanting to get to know me but might want to bail. I got so irritated I told him I don't accept that because its wasting my time. I just cut and pasted his exact words: If you think getting to know someone and say you’re wasting your time after you found out that you won’t get together. Then we have a different opinion bout it

(mind you his english isnt that good but you get the point. I would agree with you its got less to do with type and more to do with in my opinion maybe he is just not that interested. What I don't like is how he is still saying he cares about me and wants to get to know me but on the other hand, the things he says and his behaviour is contradictory. Also I usually don't have this problem with guys because I always talk on the phone to them before we meet. This one I havent spoken to him over the phone except that one time for 5 mins. Whenever I talk to a guy over the phone they are always the same personality presented to me over the phone as in person. But this guy.....like I said, he kept saying he isnt a phone person blah blah frustrating. I think the last fight we had an hour ago might be the end of things

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

I have one first question : How do you know he is an enfj (or why thinking he could be one) ?

His behaviour looks like one ISFP I thought I knew... My idea was anyway that he has connection/communication problems. And of course I am not talking of wires or phone stuffs...

He sounds he does not wish the same link as you are searching for. But you know sometimes we imagine people can be as deep as we are and finally........

Here you realise he is not what you truly expected (or deserve).

 

[Luminous]

Re: being close to people online, you've not met in person.

It's entirely disrespectful to state that everyone's experiences are the same in this regard. Some of us form deep bonds that way, that can, in fact, be serious and last decades. Not just shallow pen pal bonds or bonds that are broken as soon as you meet in person.

 

[Pengola]

I have one first question : How do you know he is an enfj (or why thinking he could be one) ?

His behaviour looks like one ISFP I thought I knew... My idea was anyway that he has connection/communication problems. And of course I am not talking of wires or phone stuffs...

He sounds he does not wish the same link as you are searching for. But you know sometimes we imagine people can be as deep as we are and finally........

Here you realise he is not what you truly expected (or deserve).

Because i got him to do the test and his results are enfj

 

[Fidelia]

Re: being close to people online, you've not met in person.

It's entirely disrespectful to state that everyone's experiences are the same in this regard. Some of us form deep bonds that way, that can, in fact, be serious and last decades. Not just shallow pen pal bonds or bonds that are broken as soon as you meet in person.

I'm not saying that everyone is the same, but based on meeting up after several years of writing with several people whom I thought I knew well, plus other people's experience, it happens frequently enough that I think it's a consideration to be aware of that I wasn't. I don't see how it's disrespectful to you to state that it's a relatively common problem.

 

[Mind Maverick]

Am thinking perhaps I should perhaps do one of the following:

a) play hard to get (though I am not sure if this works well on ENFJs or if it will even work on him because he seems to have some experience with girls ignoring or dropping him and losing interest once the conversation dies down)

b) tell him he is frustrating the crap outta me and why (but I don't know if this will change anything. I just worry he will think this is too much drama and shut off completely. Also im not sure but arent ENFJs very bad at handling conflict/confrontation?

Any advice Enfjs reading this? I thought ENFJs are very head over heels with someone they like unless he just isnt that into me? Or is it the whole us not meeting in person thing that limits him? Nowaways I'm the one messaging him first ever since we had that confrontation.

1) Games are always a bad idea imo, and the people I know always appreciate my directness with them.

2) He won't think it's too much drama if you aren't dramatic about it. Try doing things his way first, meet up in person, etc. If he still clams up you know it's something else and you can go from there. Don't tell him how frustrated you are, calmly explain to him that you are [insert your explanation] (confused as to what he wants? or whatever).

You should be able to communicate through it with him. That's important in relationships.

 

[Fidelia]

It sort of sounds like he wants to keep his options open. You can't control what he does, but you can decide yourself what options work for you and what don't, both in he run up to meeting up and after you do. I'm realizing as I get older that the clearer I am with myself about what I do/don't want, the less mixed signals I get from other people. It appears that you rightly understand that be ehaviour is a More reliable indicator than what people say.