[NF] NF females both drawn to and repulsed by NF males?

[Anja]

I love 'em. Just totally love 'em.

It's like instant recognition of a soulmate.

But in RL I keep my distance because they wear me out.

 

[jtanSis1]

Soulmates do that, because they wear you out spiritually, unlike other types who are more physical, emotional, or intellectual. It allows you to grow spiritually much faster than normal. You just have to relax every once in a while like any exercise.

 

[Anja]

What wears me out is that I start to fall "in love" and so, being married, I have to keep good boundaries with those guys!

 

[jtanSis1]

If only it was that way with everyone, no one would hate.

 

[Udog]

Even though I've always been drawn to NF women (especially INFJ women), I can see where the NF-NF exhaustion comes from, which could lead to repulsion. I'm fully capable of playing the xSTJ on a surface level, but after having to do so, constantly, for my highly emotional ISFP mother and for my work over the past year and 3 months, I am drained.

I also suspect I will quickly draw back (romantically) from any overly emotional NF females I meet in the future, knowing that I cannot be counted on being the "T" in the relationship 100% of the time.

I am married to an ISTJ woman and it is incredibly difficut regarding communication and closeness. She rarely opens up or orients her perspective around the relationship.

My suggestion to you NF women, is thank God for NF men and lighten up a little bit. Date or marry an ST and you will come running back to an NF.

Personally, when dealing with other NF women in business or friendship, it is a breath of fresh air. Even an NT is a delight. Speaking about concepts and ideas rather than the concrete is amazing.

All NF's have the tendency to always want something better. That seems to be what I am hearing here. I can tell you I am very tough when I need to be and in business am forced to use my T abilities heavily. It is uncomfortable but necessary.

My adivce, NF's should always stick with NF's and perhaps NT's if it feels right but NEVER ST's.

Thats my two cents for what it's worth. I speak not from theory but experience. After all I am a genuine ENFJ, a human x ray machine.

What's interesting is that despite everything you mentioned, you still were attracted to and ultimately married an ISTJ. That's perfectly understandable, as I quite enjoy ISTJs, but there's something deeper than your words at play here. I think that may be the topic that this thread is trying to explore, in fact.

 

[jtanSis1]

Try an ENFJ if you can.

 

[nolla]

Depressing.

I am not going to start being ST... sorry. I don't see why it can't be her being that. I am not interested in cold hard concrete facts. If you want something like that, go spend your time with someone else (and they usually do)... I have no problem with her deciding something trivial (read: almost everything, as long as it doesn't mess with "the code" ), it's just that I am not going to change any more for anyone. If the world is so god damn ST that I can't fit in, then too bad for the world.

I am so fed up with this preconception that I must change to fit in. I've dealt with that my whole life, and I am not doing it anymore.

(I must add that I really enjoyed reading the discussion, I am just annoyed by the idea of changing myself to fill someone's expectations)

 

[Silence11]

I love NF men for the connection, and understanding but I often feel like I have made another female friend in mens clothing (no offence to any NF men) in that I can open up about anything and everything.

On a serious note, I just think you guys need to find somone that is capable of being a man when the need arises.

But my main problem is that I need someone to balance out my emotions. I need a rock to cling to; I would love someone that could help me be strong and give me foundation.

If you want an NF man but wish he'd flex his S & T more, simply find one who can. Older NF males should be able to better.

I haven't read through each and every post, but from what I have read, it seems there's this general idea that NF's naturally are needy, high maintenance, "friend-zone", wussy types of guys. I could see that being a major turn-off for most women regardless of personality type... I don't know, maybe there's some women out there who dig that type of guy, but most women would be put off by that.

Still, I wonder how accurate that characterization of NF's really is... I mean, maybe it is accurate - you all are probably more knowledgable about the MBTI than I am, but I wouldn't describe myself as being particularly needy, high maintenance, or overly emotional in a relationship. It also depends, as many have alluded already, on the maturity level of the NF.

 

[jtanSis1]

or it could be that all that stuff is NF's trying to get some love in a cold world. Do you know that if a NF is given enough attention and care, that they mature the fastest. Not the easiest to notice, but less work needed in the long run. Like the 80/20 rule: do you want someone who is 80% of what you always wanted, or are you going to keep hanging out with 20% people till you burn out. That seems to be the real problem with society: wanting 100% out of someone who's not perfect.

 

[Anja]

or it could be that all that stuff is NF's trying to get some love in a cold world. Do you know that if a NF is given enough attention and care, that they mature the fastest. Not the easiest to notice, but less work needed in the long run. Like the 80/20 rule: do you want someone who is 80% of what you always wanted, or are you going to keep hanging out with 20% people till you burn out. That seems to be the real problem with society: wanting 100% out of someone who's not perfect.

Interesting observation, jtan.

This unwieldy personality of mine has taken a lot of years of hard work to manage. Doubt I'm done yet.

But it's divine being me!

 

[jtanSis1]

trust me, the road is narrow and ridiculously long. I had to go through an entire bookstore of self-help, psychology, philosophy, metaphysics, new age, and relationships all while keeping my sanity from too much information just to come up with these insights. Like how to make relationships really work, or how to help people no matter what their going through. Now I just need to get the message out that I'm giving away free counceling and big question answers. I should be on doctorate level with a ton of books with all of this, but with results that actually work. Oh well, guess I should just enjoy being part of the divine and having fun.

 

[Siegfried]

trust me, the road is narrow and ridiculously long. I had to go through an entire bookstore of self-help, psychology, philosophy, metaphysics, new age, and relationships all while keeping my sanity from too much information just to come up with these insights. Like how to make relationships really work, or how to help people no matter what their going through. Now I just need to get the message out that I'm giving away free counceling and big question answers. I should be on doctorate level with a ton of books with all of this, but with results that actually work. Oh well, guess I should just enjoy being part of the divine and having fun.

Ok I understand, haha. Its much appreciated, thanks for the advice, there is no irritation on my part. The only time I think too much about these things is if I'm wondering if I've upset anyone somehow, this I will have to stop.

 

[jtanSis1]

yeah it's hard to not feel like I upseted someone, or to let someone know when they upseted me. Most of my family is T type so they don't get when I try to help them. I find it better to just go with it anyway until they say something, but not take it too personally, then it seems to get through.

 

[Mempy]

I'm not repulsed by types, but by individuals. NFs, male and female alike, who are irrational and immature, bug me. But I could definitely, definitely get along - even fall in love with - an NF male who had a strong rational and independent side. And I'm sure there are quite a few of them out there, actually.

 

[Siegfried]

yeah it's hard to not feel like I upseted someone, or to let someone know when they upseted me. Most of my family is T type so they don't get when I try to help them. I find it better to just go with it anyway until they say something, but not take it too personally, then it seems to get through.

I only get worried if I hurt people's feelings who I hold in good regard, so if I ask too many questions its just that, never intended as anything else. So Im asking if Ive hurt anyone's feelings rather than towards me. I very much like the advice you give jtansis1, you're a great help.

 

[nolla]

trust me, the road is narrow and ridiculously long. I had to go through an entire bookstore of self-help, psychology, philosophy, metaphysics, new age, and relationships all while keeping my sanity from too much information just to come up with these insights. Like how to make relationships really work, or how to help people no matter what their going through.

This is a really good point. Think how useful it would be for any society to make it easy for people to handle their lives better (happy people = more productivity). Why is this not being done? I think I am on to something with my own little "research" and I have found some simple truths that have made my life easier. The big question is, why does it have to be a research? Psychology has to be far enough to build something that could help everyone become more happy and successful. Something less like self-help books. The number one priority of any society must be to secure the well-being of the people's survival. The second should be their happiness. If this is possible by teaching them some more useful skills than mathematics and history, why it is not being done?

 

[LadyJaye]

Then miss out on the deep romance then, because that's what were good at and all we got going for us other than caring for others. NF men are not taken seriously in society even though were trying to make it better for everyone. Besides, without us, you wouldn't have your Princes, Knights in shining armor, Seducers, and Romantics so cut us some slack for trying to make love work in the world.

My INFJ relationship was intense to a degree that it frightened me, in the sense that he was also a spiritual creature and I couldn't retreat back into my cosmic world, as he could also follow me there. If that makes any sense. I find the instant recognition touching to a depth that I can't describe. But I also find it profoundly terrifying, that depth of connection. I find a tremendous comfort in the idea that this person will be with me in this life and the next, but I sometimes feel crushed under the weight of the feelings I have for them. When my INFJ left me, I grieved about the loss for two years.

I love 'em. Just totally love 'em.

It's like instant recognition of a soulmate.

But in RL I keep my distance because they wear me out.

Again, this is how I feel as well. The NF connection is so intense, even with people you don't immediately know. When Joe Strummer died, I thought I would never stop crying. ( Even now, I still cry sometimes when I see his face .) As NF's, we have a way of connecting to others in such deep ways, that the meaning of our intentions can make me feel like I'm drowning, even though I don't want it to. As a matter of fact, it's a problem I'm wrestling with now. I would love to have feedback on ways to survive the depth of feeling, as ignoring it or escaping it is not an option.

 

[Anja]

I think I understand what you're saying, Lady. I don't know how to do it other than to walk through it. I know that walking around it isn't an option in some cases.

I've come to the conclusion that to be alive and to be me is to open myself to both heartaches and joy and that it is worth it.

I've learned to grieve in a healthy way and that's helped a lot. No more of that mopey, addictive and destructive self-pity stuff and that has made it easier for me to accept loss. Takes away my fear of being hurt or making a mistake. Courage.

Learning where my boundaries with others are is a continuous process which becomes easier with time. I need to be very clear with myself about where I and the other person begin and end. Very clear.

Only way to walk through it is to embrace it when it comes. "Okay, now we're going to do this, learn something and come out on the other side stronger." Like that.

And I take paying attention to myself seriously when the emotions become intense. Myself. Not the other person. This is important and can be difficult.

This applies to me in various circumstances and I'm speaking broadly. How else? Heh.

I have time to pm over the weekend if you'd like to discuss it further.

(Now all the Esses and Tees are saying, "Wha' she say?" Hee.)

 

[Anja]

Um. I'm not sure what I said, but I bet Lady Jaye knows.

 

[Chukamok]

I'm not repulsed by types, but by individuals. NFs, male and female alike, who are irrational and immature, bug me. But I could definitely, definitely get along - even fall in love with - an NF male who had a strong rational and independent side. And I'm sure there are quite a few of them out there, actually.

:hi: