[NF] Setting out to make friends only to find...

[BerberElla]

You're not sure you actually want them as much as you thought you did?

Anyone else ever have this happen to them?

It's just that in the first time in 4 years I have actually starting talking back to people who attempt to make friends with me, I've been out for a meal and a drink with some other ladies, and much as I really wanted and sought out this human contact, I'm beginning to doubt the wisdom of this course.

I'm sitting there having a conversation with one part of my mind watching it from a distance, judging and assessing what I'm hearing, balancing it against what I have experienced before when I have had friends and I'm not sure it's all worth it.

Do you ever do this? seek out contact then reject it before it can consume and drain you?

 

[sade]

ME!!
I can relate.
But it's usually because their company drains me out or I don't feel comfortable, more like sticking out like a sore thumb.
So I keep trying again, because I know I like the company even if I doubt it at times. The doubt does come to me even when I am pretty comfortable..

 

[BerberElla]

ME!!
I can relate.
But it's usually because their company drains me out or I don't feel comfortable, more like sticking out like a sore thumb.
So I keep trying again, because I know I like the company even if I doubt it at times. The doubt does come to me even when I am pretty comfortable..

That's how I felt, well it kept hitting me in waves. One minute I was alright and chatting, the next minute I was uncomfortable and felt out of place.

With some friends I have made in life there has been none of the awkwardness, sometimes I have even had an instant one sentence connection with someone that has been like meeting a soul mate, and I've never felt out of place.

But with other friendships there has been a stuttering start of me second guessing and doubting and feeling really out of place before I begin to feel comfortable. Those freindships that have taken that much work to settle into always ended up badly and they are the ones that I was experiencing in my head as I sat there evaluating the worth to me of taking that kind of risk again.

Is my intuition say avoid pain ahead? or is my paranoia going to keep me a hermit forever? lol

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Wait, so how many chances are you giving these people? Are you just going to lunch with them once and deciding that, because its awkward, you are better off without this person?

I don't think that is very fair if that is the case. Give people a few chances before you decide its not worth it. I know that a lot of my friendships started out as awkward but its really nice to find a good friend through that. Yes there are people who i click with instantly but its a bit rare.

I'd say go to lunch/hang out 3 times before deciding its not worth it.

 

[BerberElla]

Wait, so how many chances are you giving these people? Are you just going to lunch with them once and deciding that, because its awkward, you are better off without this person?

I don't think that is very fair if that is the case. Give people a few chances before you decide its not worth it. I know that a lot of my friendships started out as awkward but its really nice to find a good friend through that. Yes there are people who i click with instantly but its a bit rare.

I'd say go to lunch/hang out 3 times before deciding its not worth it.

No I don't do this regularly, it's been 4 years of being practically a hermit to get back to a stage where I am even attempting it.

I haven't put paid to the whole idea just yet, I probably will give it a couple more tries, but honestly I feel really wary of this situation, those couple of tries will only be so that I can say to myself "well you gave it a fair chance" but in reality I can already see that I won't be able to keep up with it.

I can barely keep up with online friendships, this one meal I was sitting there listening to stuff I don't particularly wish to be involved with. Catty chatting about other people isn't my ideal avenue to travel down, and I felt uncomfortable once I realised that I was expected to find this acceptable.

 

[INTJMom]

You're not sure you actually want them as much as you thought you did?

Anyone else ever have this happen to them?

It's just that in the first time in 4 years I have actually starting talking back to people who attempt to make friends with me, I've been out for a meal and a drink with some other ladies, and much as I really wanted and sought out this human contact, I'm beginning to doubt the wisdom of this course.

I'm sitting there having a conversation with one part of my mind watching it from a distance, judging and assessing what I'm hearing, balancing it against what I have experienced before when I have had friends and I'm not sure it's all worth it.

Do you ever do this? seek out contact then reject it before it can consume and drain you?

Yeah. Now I know better.
I turn down invitations to go SHOPPING.
I have been working on developing friends,
but I feel like all friends are is another way to get hurt.

 

[BerberElla]

Yeah. Now I know better.
I turn down invitations to go SHOPPING.
I have been working on developing friends,
but I feel like all friends are is another way to get hurt.

I'm the same, i mean I would love to meet some safe friends, I'm kind of lonely truth be told, but I don't want to open pandoras box again.

Yet I did, and part of me is wondering how I can extricate myself from this siatuation without hurting anyones feelings or causing offence.

 

[sade]

I've had some beginning friendships feel quite akward, yet have developed on, but they've lacked that certain oddness. I hate the feeling of being an outsider in a group, when my thoughts, opinions, reactions make me feel as if I'm the odd one out. Usually that doesn't end well. I've noticed humor is sometimes a good way to tell if I get along with someone, that because of my strange sense of humor..

I have been working on developing friends,
but I feel like all friends are is another way to get hurt.

Unfortunately.

When you've been like hermit so long there's also the thing that you aren't as used to company of others as when you had friends. For me it takes time..

 

[Anja]

I always want people to like me. I can't imagine setting out differently.

But more importantly than that, I want people to be able to see my values. If they can, which I try to enable, and don't accept me with my values system, then it's probably best not to try to put energy into forming a closer bond.

Maybe it's more a matter of not expecting it. Being more realistic about the degree of liking as I'm certain all of my relationships with others are on a scale - some very connected; others more casual.

A while ago another INFP gave me a piece of advice which has worked well for me. He said not to try to pick friends but to let them pick me. Duh.

Guess I knew that already but I'd never paid much attention to it until I heard it out loud.

 

[BerberElla]

A while ago another INFP gave me a piece of advice which has worked well for me. He said not to try to pick friends but to let them pick me. Duh.

Well honestly that's what has happened here, I feel like I have been picked out by two women and whereas I can understand one of them perhaps wanting to get to know me, I can't see why for the life of me the one making the most work to get me out and about with her sees in it all.

I wouldn't have spoken to anyone this term time yet again, I have been really standoffish in the past and me accepting the invites, and coffee mornings etc have only been because I promised myself I would make more effort this time round.

 

[Anja]

I'm wondering if I misread your OP. Or did you edit it?

If not, I've misread the question. You are asking if I ever wonder if it's worth making friends, right?

I used to do that. Maybe it's a matter of fine-tuning your social skills and what you want and sizing someone up? Learning to judge what's a good fit for you before you commit so much.

Edit: If you've been out of the loop for a while you might need to refresh your skills.

And - learning to pace yourself in relationships so that you don't deplete your energy.

Does that fit?

 

[Anja]

Rereading a third time. Slow.

I think maybe I was responding to your first sentence about whether you think you want them or not.

My first response indicated that in my life it needs to be a mutual thing and not a matter of one person wanting the other or not. That never seems to work for me.

 

[Simplexity]

I think that is a sentiment that rings true with a lot of people who have sort of an avoidance thing going on in terms of relationships. I know personally for me, at least for the foreseeable future, I will always sort of be that way because in my youth I moved around a ton( 3 continents by the time I was 10, 4 countries before I was 13) so I developed some subconscious boundaries.

I guess boredom, anxiety, fear, commitment are all sort of rooted in the inability to have yourself open to manipulation, and to change that is not under your control. It's probably something that Introverts especially deal with.

For me personally, whether right or wrong, I understand that each friend isn't going to provide me with all that I necessarily want or may need. I likewise might not be willing to share and provide all that I can offer with each one so I go in knowing that and enjoy the particular qualities and things that each individual friendship provides. Quite honestly that is the only( not like cut and dry) way that I can interact with so many SJ's and extroverts who don't necessarily fully understand Introverts or specifically my personality.

 

[Bella]

I think you might just have to get used to people slowly. Isolation is nice 'n all, but can make you a bit weird in the head. I think mild paranoia is part of that. (Or is it paranoia first, then isolation?)

 

[Anja]

I thought, Berberella, that your OP initially said something about feeling taken advantage of? Did I mix it up with some other place?

If it did, Bella's and Aimahn's comments may have touched on that.

(Wow, Aimahn. Quite a lot of adjustments you've had to make. Must've learned a lot.)

 

[Clownmaster]

I think its more of an INF thing, but I do judge people as I conversate with them to figure out what makes them tick to see if they might have some similar morals and values to what I have, to perceive if I should spend my time getting to know them better or not,or if it would be a waste of my efforts to result in disappointment at the end.

 

[kiddykat]

Peer influence can be pretty powerful.

I think it's wise to be smart about the friends we choose. After all, besides family, our closest friends help to define who we are, at heart.

It's smart to foster friendships with people who truly resonate with us from within, people who see us eye-to-eye, those who validate us and encourage us to grow to become 'better' people, vice versa. Deep bonds like that are hard to find. They're truly worth keeping..

 

[Kyrielle]

I think you might just have to get used to people slowly. Isolation is nice 'n all, but can make you a bit weird in the head. I think mild paranoia is part of that. (Or is it paranoia first, then isolation?)

Definitely. Listen to this woman!

As for the second half of that, I think it's more of a chicken and egg thing. Which is to say, a feedback loop. You isolate yourself and feel paranoid at the same time, then because you have isolated yourself you get more paranoid and because you're more paranoid you continue to isolate yourself and on and on and on.

As for the OP, yes I ask myself that question sometimes. Sometimes I'll even go back to being avoidant, and I've realised, it's something I'll never stop doing. It's something that is partially inherent and partially learned from my childhood. What I do to counter it, is try to remember how much more balanced I feel when I'm devoting some of my time to being social with a regular group of people who I can call friends.