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  1. #121


    Give it a shot, the mods are probably at work
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.


  2. #122
    Order Now! pure_mercury's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008


    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    Give it a shot, the mods are probably at work
    It's about the tsunami in Southeast Asia.
    Who wants to try a bottle of merc's "Extroversion Olive Oil?"

  3. #123


    Something left over from Easter...

    You're Dead, Charlie Brown!
    Charlie Brown Of "Peanuts" Fame Dies At 59

    PEORIA, IL (AP) - Charlie Brown, who rose to fame in the 1960s as the protagonist of the wildly popular comic strip "Peanuts", died Sunday afternoon after jumping off the balcony of his third floor apartment. He was 59.

    According to police, toxicology tests indicated high levels of Xanax and alcohol in Brown's system. Early speculation is that he leapt from his balcony due to panic and anxiety stemming from hallucinations. Brown was found in the alley at about 10am by neighbors who heard incoherent ravings about the Easter Beagle coming from his apartment. Paramedics were called and declared Brown dead at the scene.

    Police were able to reconstruct Brown's last hours from evidence in the apartment. On Saturday night Brown augmented his usual pitcher of whiskey sours with a few pills of Xanax and then dyed a dozen Easter eggs, hiding them around his apartment. According to acquaintances, Brown was unusually distraught over of a rebuffed attempt to reconnect with the Little Red Haired Girl through her Facebook profile. Police psychologists speculate that Brown was attempting to get so drunk that he would black out and forget he had colored and hidden the eggs himself. In this way, he could awaken on Easter Sunday and think that someone loved him enough to color and hide eggs for him. Ironically, upon discovering the eggs Brown became paranoid that someone had broken into his apartment overnight, leading to his anxiety, hallucinations, and eventually his fatal leap.

    Friends report that Brown had become withdrawn in recent years, cowed by a continuing series of setbacks that started in childhood with his famous and ill-advised attempts to kick a football held by Lucy Van Pelt. "I don't think he ever really got over that", said best friend and renowned psychologist Dr. Linus Van Pelt. "Lucy is my sister and I love her, but she really did a number on Charlie Brown. It's bad enough to start in life as a bald kid whose father is a barber...I mean, do I have to draw you a picture? But he was never the same after that football thing, always waiting for life to pull the football away from him." Life did just that in 1975, when Brown's wife Peppermint Patty announced that she was a lesbian and filed for divorce. "Having his personal life splashed all over the tabloids was really the last straw for Charlie Brown", said childhood friend Schroeder. "A guy like that who's insecure to begin with? And then his wife leaves him for a woman? That's enough to make anyone nuts. And speaking of nuts, you'd have to be nuts to miss my set at the Airport Holiday Inn piano bar every weekday afternoon from two to four!" Perhaps the most touching tribute came from Brown's elementary school teacher, Miss Othmar. "Wah wah, wah wah wah, wah wahhhhh", whispered a tearful Othmar.

    Charlie Brown is survived by his sister Sally Brown-Kennedy and his dog Snoopy IV. In lieu of flowers, the family asks for memorial donations to the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.


  4. #124


    Reminds me of a paper title I saw once in a spoof liberal arts journal:

    Franklin Speaks: I'm Gonna Bus' a Cap In Yo' Ass, Charlie Brown

  5. #125


    Bob's widow's sister, Kate, always liked Bob and was jealous of her sister, Mary, for being married to Bob.

    When Kate asked their local judge to marry her and Bob. The judge was dumbfounded. He found no reason, in the laws of their land, Fantasia, that Kate couldn't marry Bob. The law stated Marry and Bob were no longer married, but all of Bob's assets were forfited to Marry.

    Kate said she didn't care and wanted to marry Bob anyway.

    Those who were invited didn't know whether is was more appropriate to dress in all white or all black.

    Marry, upon, viewing Bob marrying Kate remarked that Bob looked as lively as ever.

    Accept the past. Live for the present. Look forward to the future.
    Robot Fusion
    "As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance." John Wheeler
    "[A] scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy." Richard Feynman
    "[P]etabytes of [] data is not the same thing as understanding emergent mechanisms and structures." Jim Crutchfield

  6. #126
    Member suzyk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    "I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better."
    - A. J. Liebling

  7. #127


    Since the site seems to be working this afternoon, here is an ode to holiday weekend travel...
    __________________________________________________ _________

    I'm sitting on the floor at LAX. It's 6pm, my leg is asleep and my ass hurts. "But it's 6pm, FM? Weren't you to depart at 1pm? And wait, weren't you flying out of Burbank?" Yes, yes and God, yes.

    I was picked up for my 1pm flight at 11am this morning. When I arrived at the Burbank airport, they were already trying to get people to volunteer to get off my flight. Not a good sign. Because it is so brutally hot here (101), they had to lower the weight on the plane because apparently in the heat, fuel burns faster. Or something. I don't know, my expertise is not in chemistry, thermodynamics or airline policymaking. "FM, how many people did they need to get off the plane? Two? Five?" Alas, dear reader, it was THIRTY-NINE. That is not a typo. I don't make typos, but that is another entry altogether. The gate people said that the flight would not leave until they got enough volunteers. I just knew that if I tried to wait it out that there would be an hour of passengers eyeing each other suspiciously and playing chicken, waiting to see who gives in. I had a connecting flight to make, and I could see the writing on the wall. So I decided to cut a deal before everyone else did.

    "What kind of a deal did you get, FM?" Well, the same kind of deal you make when your car breaks down in the town where they shot Deliverance. Instead of 1pm, I am now departing at 11:30pm. Instead of 1am, I am now getting in at 9:55am. The only winner here is the person picking me up at the airport. Oh, and I almost forgot the best part. I'm departing from ANOTHER AIRPORT. (Yes, I got a $300 voucher but I'm pissed and on a roll, so don't even think about trying to stop me.) When I and the other refugees from my flight were herded onto a shuttle bus for the one hour ride to LAX, it was 2pm (an hour past the original departure time) and they still needed to pull 13 people off of that flight before it could take off. I can't say for sure exactly what was transpiring with the angry, flightless and heat stroked people inside that plane, but I bet it spelled bad news for Piggy. The Bus That Time Forgot arrived at LAX about 3pm, dropping me off a full 8 1/2 hours before my flight. On the bright side, that was early enough that I probably had a 75% chance to get through security in time to make my plane. In an incongruous stroke of good luck, I managed to get through without being disemboweled and by 3:30 I hell again. Let me introduce you to Helene.

    Helene is a fiftyish woman who was next to me in line at Burbank while we were both cutting our deals. We wound up on the shuttle together and she insisted on talking to me. Actually, she was nice enough. We had something in common as we work in different areas of the film business. Helene makes wigs. When we arrived at LAX, I helped her with her bag and tipped the driver for both of us since she had no cash handy. She insisted on making it up to me by buying me a drink at the airport. Since I couldn't possibly think of anything I wanted more in the world than a drink and I was on the spot, I said yes. We wound up in Chili's and as soon as we sat down her cell phone started ringing. And didn't stop. Until we got the check. Apparently Mary J. Blige needed a wig like, pronto. And Helene's shop was closing up for the holiday weekend. So she took and made approximately 15 loud calls during the 30 minutes we were at the bar. No joke. If I thought I could do it without her seeing I would have made the universal "I'm so sorry, I don't really know her" shrug to the family seated next to us and to the waiter. Mercifully, Helene's flight was leaving at 4:45, so she made a quick exit. In departing, she told me I should come to her wig shop to check it out so I could keep her in mind if one of my movies needs wigs. I told her that I would be sure to do that when I wanted to die painfully and there wasn't a melon baller or a pair of pliers within arm's reach. Okay, so I didn't, but that's what I would have said if I were cool.

    I made one last anguished cry for relief by pleading with the American Airlines customer service rep to give me a complimentary day pass to the Admirals Club. After all, I was bumped 10 hours and one airport through no fault of my own. It was like asking them to wipe my ass with a cashmere pashmina. In other words, they said no. I have always wondered what goes on in those Admirals Clubs. I envision a grown-up frat party, the airline version of Caligula's palace. Champagne fountains, masseuses, dodo egg omelettes, a live string quartet, and giggly blondes bouncing on the laps of guys with loosened ties and pilot's hats. I probably shouldn't actually visit one, because they're bound to disappoint in comparison.

    I'm sitting on the floor at LAX. It's 7pm, my other leg is asleep, and my ass hurts. And in sixteen hours, I'll be home.
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.


  8. #128
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007


    If it makes you feel any better, I got food poisoning from a business class lounge. Or on the flight. Either way, I'm not drinking again for a year!, no seriously it was food poisoning.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux


  9. #129


    I went to LA's own 99 Cents Only store today, the purported first chain of dollar stores in the USA. I was looking for whimsy, and boy did I find it. In fact, it inspired the following helpful infographic.

    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.


  10. #130


    I was watching The People's Court today. No, that's not the funny part, we're getting to that. The plaintiff was suing a mechanic for botching a repair that killed his car's transmission. As God is my witness, this is how the announcer introduced the defendant:

    "Now entering the courtroom is the defendant, mechanic Joe Smith. He is accused of...blowing a tranny!"
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.


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