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  1. #1
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    Default Feedback on ISFP / INFJ Friendship

    Looking for a little clarity in a friendship...I have an ISFP friend from work whom I've known for over 4 years, and I really enjoy his friendship. He is positive, encouraging, asks questions about my life, and gives me a firm handshake whenever he sees me. I believe this is my first ever ISFP friend. Most of my other friends are intuitives, though ironically I am married to an ESFJ. However, I'm struggling to determine whether I should keep investing in this friendship. We've had lunch together numerous times over the last two years, & we always seem to click really well. Last year, he even mentioned at one lunch how much really values our time together. Every time we're together in-person, I think, "He's a really good friend."

    However, most anytime I try to follow-up with lunch or a hang-out a week or a few weeks later, he typically has either a legitimate or lame excuse for why he can't. On the flip side, a couple of months ago, he gave me an open invitation to stop by his house anytime I'm in the neighborhood (we live close to each other). He also tends to respond quickly to my texts. Since learning more about ISFPs, I've really focused on giving more space than I normally would in a friendship and not contacting him that often. I've also been more spur-of-the-moment and less planned with him.

    Yet, 80-85% of the time, it is me initiating contact. I am the one pretty much always stopping by to visit him at work. He has only asked me to get together about four times total over the last two years. A few times, I've even allowed several weeks or months to pass in between contact, thinking he didn't want my friendship anymore. Then out of the blue, I would hear from him again. From the forums, I recognize this seems to be common ISFP behavior.

    In addition, I confronted him about an issue we had last year. He was very apologetic, stated he really values me as a friend, and promised to give a better effort in our friendship. Yet, nothing really changed from that exchange.

    So, I'm looking for some general feedback:

    1. Do you think he considers me a friend? Should I continue investing? My time is limited, and I want to be investing it wisely with good friends.
    2. Am I annoying him by asking him to hang out?
    3. How much space should I give in between text messages, lunch invitations, invitations to hang out outside of work?
    4. How do ISFPs tend to compromise in friendships/relationships to mesh with other types?

    Thanks very much for your thoughts!

  2. #2
    Junior Member AnnaSarita's Avatar
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    as an ISFP I found this video pretty easy to understand as it's about ISFP behavior YouTube
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  3. #3
    Member Tina&Jane's Avatar
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    I've always been terrible at initiating things socially, even with the friends I'm closest with. I don't think his lack of initiation necessarily indicates that he doesn't consider you a friend, it could be that he's just used to other people taking the initiative and just rolls with it. Is there a lot going on in his life right now? I tend to fall off the face of the earth when I'm super stressed or if I have a lot of work-related stuff going on. In terms of continuing to invest in the relationship, do you think the frustration from his lack of initiation is outweighing the good at this point? If it is, I might take a step back. I might also leave things more on him, maybe saying something like let me know when you're free, I would love to hang out, and if you don't hear anything then just let things be for a little while. Sometimes I have been in that situation where I am the one mostly initiating and getting minimal contact back, and I've just had to take a step back and focus on other things.
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tina&Jane View Post
    I've always been terrible at initiating things socially, even with the friends I'm closest with. I don't think his lack of initiation necessarily indicates that he doesn't consider you a friend, it could be that he's just used to other people taking the initiative and just rolls with it. Is there a lot going on in his life right now? I tend to fall off the face of the earth when I'm super stressed or if I have a lot of work-related stuff going on. In terms of continuing to invest in the relationship, do you think the frustration from his lack of initiation is outweighing the good at this point? If it is, I might take a step back. I might also leave things more on him, maybe saying something like let me know when you're free, I would love to hang out, and if you don't hear anything then just let things be for a little while. Sometimes I have been in that situation where I am the one mostly initiating and getting minimal contact back, and I've just had to take a step back and focus on other things.
    Thanks for taking time to provide such a thoughtful response. Interestingly enough since I wrote this post, I pretty much have applied your advice by taking a step back over the past few months. I gave him three opportunities to get together over the summer, and he had excuses all three times. The last time I asked to grab lunch, he said he would let me know when he would be able to. That was 2.5 months ago. I had to take a step back for myself because the friendship was causing me too much frustration.

    Since then, the only contact we've had has been a couple of very brief conversations in-passing at work. I've stopped coming by to talk to him at work, and as a result, the friendship has pretty much faded. Instead, I've intentionally focused on two other friendships that offer quite a bit more reciprocity and fulfillment.

    The problem is that he is always busy with tasks - work, home renovations, side jobs - for well over two years now. I get seasons of being busy. However, when his tasks always seem take priority over his friendship with me, that's where I have an issue.

    I don't even know if he realizes I've taken a step back. It's unfortunate that things are where they are. I truly enjoy spending time with and talking to him, but he doesn't seem to prioritize friendships the way I tend to.

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