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  1. #1
    Junior Member mickey1955's Avatar
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    Jul 2018
    INFj Ni

    Default ISTJ Crush Problems

    So I'm a bisexual INFJ and have been decent friends with this straight-esque ISTJ for about two years now. Thing is, he's so charismatic on the surface to the point where you wouldn't even begin to think he was an ISTJ at heart. He was eccentric, witty, smart, stable and even soft-hearted at some points. Everybody in our class loved him as the class clown; like as if he was some entertaining gadget to fiddle with.

    Our friendship sparked out of his attraction for my articulation in English and our shared interest in music. Apparently I came across off as different from most high-schoolers at time, so he was stimulated whenever I was in his presence. At first, it was all a gimmick for the both of us; poking fun at how we were obsessed with each other like some bro-magnet of sort. Before I knew it, it started to gradually get more serious. Our online convos would take place during the latest/dead hours at night about the most confidential and intimate topics; things such our dreams, fears, passion, family and even who we liked. One time he asked me to analyze his favorite song, in regards to how it resonated with his feelings. The lyrics suggested that he was heartstruck with someone and it felt so bittersweet knowing that he was probably directing it towards a girl but confided in me to share the sensitive side of himself. Whenever our intimate moments took place he'd always go along the lines of, "Btw this chat is only between us" or "This will always be a safe place for the both of us". Wasn't until then that my heart was stimulated at the fact that I had a guy friend that I could be personal with, which was genuinely new to me at the time. I felt so secure and safe with him. For each time that I was facing an adversity, he'd be there to message and comfort me through virtual hugs and reminding me why I was amazing to him. I had officially become a puppy attached to my new owner.

    Suddenly there had been a downward shift in our bond. He'd leave my messages on read and barely acknowledge my presence in person. Our convos began to feel ingenuine and rushed. Classwork was all that we were limited to talking about. I got the vibe that I was irking him with every text that I spammed, hoping to get a mere response out of him. I'd be so downbeat at the sight of watching him interacting with everybody and winning their heart while his indifference broke mine. Perhaps he lost the spark with me and wanted to seek seemingly more interesting friendships. I was so confused, for it felt like I had lost a special companionship within the blink of an eye. I became a ghost to him. A sad, yet non-existent ghost.

    However that wasn't the end of my magical friendship gone incomplete. My ISTJ would occasionally still message and talk to me, but supposedly only on his terms. Whenever I laid in bed with my lifeless heart thinking about him, he'd send an article or video of his favorite movie/song for us to have a short-lived discussion about it, only for him to leave me on read and return back to the abyss. At this point, I felt like I was gasping for air. As if I was receiving CPR after drowning in water, just for me to be thrown back in again. Rinse. Repeat.

    As much as there was strangeness in the new way he communicated with me, he showcased it in his actions as well. I'd passed by him and he'd walk in the opposite direction or seem overly busy or preoccupied when I tried to talking to him. Then he'd corner me for what felt like slightly scripted conversation whenever it was just the two of us alone. There'd be times during class where he'd make a goofball out of himself and I'd be only person he'd look at for a reaction, as he'd gaze into my eyes with his mischievous, seductive smile. He would also make light jokes at my expense, which would soon be followed by him apologizing to me in private. If he caught someone giving me a hard time or opposing my ideas, he'd show up out of nowhere to my rescue like a knight in shining armor. Overall, it was like as if he was making up for the times he wasn't there for me, yet he'd go back to simultaneously ignoring me when there were groups of people around us. My mind began to dismiss it as him just looking out for me like a little brother but my heart truly wanted him to desire more than a friendship. I had officially become a hopeless romantic; waiting for my prince charming to show some limerence.

    Wasn't until after our school musical (that I acted in and he played guitar in the pit orchestra for), he casually asked me, "who did you like this whole school year?". It around the time I had given out a few hints to my friends on whom I liked so I played it off by saying I knew the person for a few years and really wanted to confess to them. He wanted to know for the sake of 'hearing entertainment to use up his energy' and that 'his heart was aching for me' out of sympathy. Part of me still despises myself to this day for not telling him the truth. Even if it meant scaring him off.

    So I wonder...could he like me back? Or is he still wanting to stay intimate friends with me? Also could there be a chance that he's a closeted bisexual? He has seemed so unsure of himself for the past few months. Like as if his future comprises of a blank canvas. I know that ISTJ's are usually susceptible to staying on the down low about these kinds of stuff. I've seen him act flamboyant and sarcastically flirt with other guys, but it's typical for a straight male to do that kind of stuff in high school. However he's been really ambivalent and gentle with me lately. Should I confess to him? And how so? I wanna know if there could be a chance for me. For 'us'.

  2. #2
    Junior Member MissNeolithic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2018


    Hi hun seems you have been a rough time.
    I understand your pain, I have had many similar situations. From what you wrote it does not seem that this ISTJ is perhaps in the healthiest place at the moment and he should not be playing games with you. You can always inquire if he is doing alright or if there is anything wrong and see if he is willing to talk, but do not let him manipulate you and string you along.
    You cannot force him to come out if he is bisexual and only confess yourself if you feel ready but again don't let him use that as leverage to abuse your affection and friendship by this inconsistent behaviour. The more you tolerate it the more he will do it, as he feels that he can get away with it.
    Friendships and relationships alike should be between equals, that means he must treat you with the respect you deserve. By the sounds of it, he is not doing that and, whatever issues he is having, mistreating a friend is never okay and should be discussed.
    Whether he likes you, I can't say for sure with limited information, but it appears there is something troubling him and he may but is uncomfortable with it. Also, while I know the temptation of fantasy, do not turn him into too idealistic a fantasy impossible to achieve and hold him to false expectations as that only leads to grief on both sides.
    My advice to you would be to first raise the issue of his erratic behaviour and see whether he can listen and improve his behaviour toward you. If not it would be best to gain some distance (even as friends- as this doesn't seem healthy), spend some time on yourself and find someone who will respect you and like you without the games and manipulation. As if he is unable to show you decency of being a consistent friend at the very least, it will make a toxic relationship.
    High school is a tough time for everyone but remember it is only a small time of your life if this does not go your way remember you will meet lots of other people. I and everyone else that had a crush on someone unavailable (for whatever reason) in high school, wouldn't believe you could like anyone else more it but it is very true

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