Hello everyone ! ^^

Well I'm 100 % sure to be an INFP, but I struggle to determine if I'm a 4w5 or a 9w1. I relate in both. I've read a lot of descriptions, tried to understand too the instictuals variants etc, but I'm still not sure ! For the tritype I think I'm 9w1 4w5 6w7 sp/sx or sp/so, or 4w5 9w1 6w7 sp/sx or sp/so.
I know for sure that the 6 is less high, but 9 and 4 are almost equal ! When I try a test when I'm a good mood my result is 9w1, and if I do it when I'm less happy, it's 4w5...
Maybe more sp/sx for the variants. I'm really not workaholic and intersted with very pratical and pragmatic things as would be a sp/so person. But I'm a NF, so, I don't know.

Maybe you can help me ? (: It would be so nice !

Sorry, it will be long, because I'll write about my personality in differents periods of my life (; I think it's important to understand how was a person in her childhood and as a teenager to type her !

Why I could be a 4w5 core

I'm pretty sure my tritype is the Seeker, 496 or 946,
This tritype, despite the anxious and doutbful side of the 6 is quite optimistic, easy-going, even with the 4 as the core, if the 9 at the 2nd place is very high, which is probably my case. The 9 tempers the moody, temperal side of the 4. It often appears like a 9, on the surface.

If I'm a 4 so I'm a 4w5 sp, more reserved, more introspective, less openly emotional, moody. I've read that those 4 can be "sunny" and can learn to easily hide bad feelings, to be more "courageous" and less dramatic than the usally more volatiles dramatics 4w5 sx.
They can "suffer" in silence. I'm a bit like that. I tend to keep a lot of things for myself. I often have the impression that most of people can't understant why I feel, think like that in specific situations. Often when I dare to speak of what upset me, they say that maybe I'm little too complicated...

The type 4 is part of the heart triad. And I can relate to that: I'm really in tune with my own feelings. And I have difficulties with shame. I hate feeling ashamed, to be in an embarassing situation, to have lack of dignity...

Like a typical 4 i'm imaginative, artistic, somewhat akward, different. I dream to have an artistic career, writer or illustrator.
People say that I have a gift.
I love to have my own fashion style.
I love to feel unique !
I have high and deep feelings. I even can react internally to simple little words, acts. But most of the time I try to hide that, so it can happen that I think of it alone, in my bed before sleeping, going very deeply in what I feel.
If it's too intense I seek advice and comfort, for example in speaking of the trouble to my parents.
I need attention, affection.
And I'm very introspective, I want to discover who I am, my path !

When I was a little girl I was introverted, quiet (but at the same time I could be talkative, energic, not so wise) very sensitive, feeling highly, prone to artistic things, a little bit moody (but not really sad or depressed,I've grown up in a very healthy family, I was loved, appreciated, so no need to feel sad or I don't know. ), a little bit demanding, akward, complex. I was less happy and bloom at school. Home and family was my little nest, where I was happy and where I could be more myself. I hadn't a lot a friends, others kids often laugh at me due to my akward side and my sensivity. I was in general peaceful and easy-going, but when someone tried to hurt my feelings I responded emotionally, screaming, crying, even insulting ah ah ! I didn't really fit in, and the somewhat meaness of others kids towards me made me feel ashamed of being different. I often felt lonely, and when someone was nice to me and wanted to be my friends I could be quite possessive, searching for affection. I was more prone to have a very best friend than a group of many friends. But I was quite akward in relationships !
Teachers found me "special", they told that to my parents I remember. Some of them had a special behiavior with me like they tried to protect me.
At home solitude wasn't that difficult, because in here I didn't felt the envy to have many friends like in school. I spent most of my times my nose stucked in a book (wing 5 ?) daydreaming, watching Disney movies, playing with my Barbie dolls. I also played with my little sister, of course. I loved her with all my heart, but we fought often, because I could react violently when she tried to push my limites ah ah !( Like a little sister do !)

When I was a teenager it was a little bit the same, but I've learnt to hide even more than before my bad feelings, to see things in other perspectives, and little by little to be less affection asking. I was reserved, somewhat distant with strangers (But always trying to be nice and polite) I rarely spoke a lot, only if I felt safe, only with a few rare persons. I was quite insecure. I didn't have many friends. I had a very good friend, with who I'm still friend.
I've learnt to appreciate really alone times. I wasn't interested at all with what interest in general people at that age : first love experience, parties, shopping, cigarets,, alcohol etc. I was too wise on this regard, and at the same time too childlish, too innocent.
Of course I dreamt to find love, but I felt that I wanted a sort of love which is difficult to find. And I was so unsure of myself that when someone meant to have a love interest toward me I was stupidly suspicious, believing that the person only wanted make fun of me...
I wanted to express myself, my personality toward my style. I loved piercings, tattoos. But my parents tempered that. So I did that in a softly way, in order too not
do too waves...

Since I'm a young adult, it's also quite the same.
I struggle to find my way. I feel that I couldn't be happy in a "normal" no artistic job. But in my family artistics jobs is say too be to insecure, and I lack motivation and determination to achieve my dreams. I wasn't depressed, but during a moment some years ago I was in a sort of inertia. I felt that I couldn't have this original artistic life so I prefered to do nothing to force myself to have a banal job.
I've had a little group of good friends, with whom I have spend sympathic moments during some years, but little by little they left me, surely because of the boundaries between us.
They started their life, with a job, boyfriends, apartement, and me I was kind of a teenager, still living
with my parents, spending most of my time watching TV shows... But it's better now. I began to study computer design, a good compromise between my need to creativity and the security of a "normal" job. I've found love, which really gives me some impulses ! Love it's magical ! I believe in true love, and I think I found it <3 I'm happy because I live a great love story and because I began to see what I going to do in my life.
But deeply I want to find, improve even more myself.
And sometimes, even if I'm optimistic, I feel ashamed, I regret to be too picky, complicated, to sometimes feel upset, sad toward my boyfriend for stupid little things. He is so adorable, I'm very happy with him, we are deeply in love, but yeah I can help that to sometimes being too concentrated in little negatives things in our relation, I'm too complex ! Of course I hide that most of the time, I don't want to ruine our relation.

Why I'm maybe not a 4w5 core

I don't relate with the really moody side of the 4s. I even can't stand when others are moody, grumpy because it's lead to bad ambiance, and really don't know what to do or say, it makes me anxious. On the surface, I'm quite stable in my mood. Of course I can have high feelings, but it's more internal. When I feel sad, angry, vexed, frustrated etc it's often for specifics reasons. I can react deeply and with passion for little non really important things, but it's the Fi I guess !
Generally I keep it to myself. Even my boyfriend rarely know when I'm upset, sad... It's more intern, i'm not dramatic.
I know that a lots of 4 loves to feel deeply, even bad feelings, me I try to avoid that. I need to feel happy, that things are soft, easy.
I'm not melancholic.
Some 4s love to have a kind of provocative behavior, the most unhealthy would be self destructive, prone to addictions, alcohol abuse etc, and I clearly don't understand that. I can even be rigid for that, couldn't stand it if a loved one acts like that.

Why I could be a 9w1 core :

If I'm a 9w1,so, i'm a 9w1 sp, kind of "couch potatoes" loving to stay at home, in his little nest, cocoon, escaping from not so easy world.

The 9 is in the gut triad, which have problems with anger. It can be true for me: I have difficulties to express it, but sometimes when I'm really really mad I can explose...

As a typical 9w1, I really hate conflicts (but more to preserve myself to bad feelings it could give.)I'm quite easy-going, warm, friendly (in general, I can also be aloof, distant with strangers, I struggle to open myself, but I always try to be nice and polite)
I see life with pink glasses. I want things to be soft, easy as possible.
I've a childlike vibe. I'm lazy, laid bak, even-tempered, indecisive.
I can be stubborn and passive agressive.
People say I'm sweet and nice, cute.

When I was a little girl I was really dreamy, lost in fairy tale worlds.
Even If I could be not so wise (which child is always wise like an angel ?) I was usually nice, sweet. Too maybe, that why other kids bullied me, I was an easy prey.
When I was agressive it was generally to defend myself, never to attack. I was sensitive toward meaness, I didn't understand that.
I couldn't stand when someone yelled at me. I hated to deceived, that an adult I appreciate was angry with me.
I was more a follower, scared of losing my friends of I would be too "shitty"
When there was a agrument between two friends of mine I was complitely unable to be on the side of one. I was neutral.
And when a friend was angry with me, I just wanted that to be finish rapidly.
I prefered to stay and play indoor, I felt secure at home.
I was quite lazy, I was not so good at school, I did just the necessary to not deceive my parents, and I was easily discouraged before difficulties.
For some things I was quite principaled, the 1 wings !

When I was a teenager, my 9ish side was quite still the same.
I really started to really relly hate conflicts.
I struggled to give my opinion, to say no, etc.
I was childlike, naive, innocent.
I started to become less demanding than I could be as a child.
I was still very lazy, with difficulties to decide to really do something. I had really zero intersted in every day home tasks, practical things.
I had kind of the Peter Pan syndrom: I didn't want to grow up. Become an adult with stressful job, responsabilities etc scared me.
My 1 wing made me quite rigourous for certain things. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't push any limites, I didn't wanted to have experiences etc because for me it was bad and causes of troubles. I was just a little rebel in my style: I had dye my hair and make a little piercing, my parents didn't want it. I was soo a bad girl ah ah (x No really, I wanted peace and harmony. It was rare that I stand out.

Since I'm a young adult, it's quite the same.
In general i'm appreciate for my easy going, happy, smiling, optimistic attitude. My boyfriend says that I have a good aura, that I have a calming effect.
But I daydream a lot, which is a trouble at work !
Sometimes I'm too nice. I've to learn to assert more myself.
I'm too sensitive toward too hard bosses.
I'm still quite immature, with difficulties to really grow up. There is boundaries with people of my age, whom are usually married, with childs etc... I'm still a teenager in my mind !
I can have moments of deep inertia, prefering stay comfortly in my bed watching TV shows than doing something useful. Fortunately my formation for my future career and my boyfriend, give me some goal in life, it makes me change, evolve.
I'm more open than I was as a teenager. I'm less distant. I can be more talkative, bubbly, as I was more when I was a little girl. I found again this side that I had a little bit lost in my teens years. I think that I'm more bloom, even I still have to work confidence in myself.

Why I'm maybe not a 9w1 core.

Even If I hate conflicts, I'm not that good to resolve it. I'm not a good mediator.
I have the deep impression to be really really in tune with my own feelings. I pay attention of what I feel, want etc. I often see myself as a unique person, with my own personality etc.
Even if I avoid conflicts, it's more to preserve myself to bad feelings it gives, and I fear to be not loved, appreciated anymore. Maybe it's just a very lack of confidence more than really the need for harmony.
I can be jealous, envious, and I sometimes think of vengeance (but I never never dare to do that !)
9w1s are said to love everyone. Me I can deeply hate someone for no reasons ah ah (The Fi I guess !)

So there is ! Hope you can help me ! Feel free to ask questions if needed. Thanks in advance ! (;
See you ! ^^