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Thread: New Experiment

  1. #11
    Senior Member Venus Rose's Avatar
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    Survey

    How do you relate to the feelings of:

    Excitement?
    Hmm...happiness? Not something I feel that often.

    Fear?
    Rejection, terror, feeling like an open wound, fearing for the absolute worst even when it might not be likely, open sponge for vicarious traumatization...complete overwhelm, pain I did not realize I was capable of experiencing. There’s gradation of course within this, “fear” is not always the most extreme version of it

    Jealousy?
    Related to romantic stuff, even if I am attracted to someone and not in a relationship I can start feeling like I’m not good enough spc. If I feel like he likes someone more than he likes me.

    Hope?
    Nice, gentle, soothing...?

    Anger?
    Eh, abrasive, mean, cruel. Uncomfortable. Unnecessary.

    Hurt?
    My fear answer I think suffices for this one. Also abandonment is another thing that can hurt me. Feeling ‘unseen’ like I’m screaming into a void so to speak can also feel hurtful but I think I have improved on that...but I have also become somewhat dispassionate about painful things if they never get any better, like what is the point of feeling that anymore...it is what it is.

    Love?
    Tenderness, honesty, gentleness..
    Elusive.

    Sadness?
    Ok, better than fear or pain. Not as terrifying.

    Happiness?
    ....
    I don’t know how to answer this one lol. Perhaps my response for “excitement” might count for this as well?

    Frustration?
    Irritation, annoyance, kind of also ties into the ‘feeling unseen’ thing (feels like I don’t matter/don’t exist)

    Disappointment?
    An ok feeling, not as intense as the others. Don’t have much to say.

    Tension?
    Having force put on my PoLR, living constantly in a state of feeling like you are still being bullied in your own head, bc of the impact of trauma...

    Curiosity?
    Learning? Knowledge

    Loneliness?
    An “ok” feeling again; not as intense as the others. I don’t think I’m bothered by being “lonely” in the sense that I need specific kinds of people in my life...it is ok if I don’t have them and only have like acquaintances or something: I don’t need people around me at all times.

    Anticipation?
    Sx? Idk why, that is what this reminded me of. Makes me think of happiness, at least what I imagine of it, never experienced it.

    How do you relate to the concepts of:

    Revenge?
    Cruel, scary, mean.

    Kindness?
    Trustworthy, gentle, kind.

    Betrayal?
    Untrustworthy, mean, possibly cruel.

    Faith?
    Meh

    Belief?
    ...
    Idk

    Friendship?
    I have avoidant attachment with my friends... that’s the first thing that came to mind.

    Perfection?
    Not the most important thing to me.

    Loss?
    Makes me think of death, grieving, depression.

    Missing out?
    I am not particularly bothered by this sentiment. I don’t usually worry that I’m missing out.

    How do you relate to your experiences of:

    Yourself?
    How do I relate to myself? Well, working on it. Hap-hazard broken shards that haven’t coalesced together due to recent trauma as well as developmental trauma (attachment trauma).

    Your emotional state?
    It’s ok right now. Not too terrible.

    Your intellect?
    I’m smart, but I never considered my intellect anything to boast about.

    Your relationships with others?
    Not that great I guess, depends on the person.

    Your relationship with people you love?
    I haven’t told anyone I loved them.

    Your relationship with people you hate?
    I don’t have one!

    Your relationship with yourself?
    Answered this.

    Your relationship to society?
    Didn’t pay any attention to it until recently and realized how far people can go to attain power. How they step on others who are vulnerable, how convoluted their own sense of self is to be this unaware of what they do, how a few of them might even be willing to be abusive.

    Your relationship to societies expectations?
    Ehhh I am not too bothered by it but can enjoy speaking out against it should I care about the specific issue

    Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
    Quite high. Stresses me out. But I’m also lazy and I procrastinate.

    Your relationship to your past?
    It is ok, there are things I haven’t fully integrated.

    Your relationship to your present?
    Could be improved, stressed out.

    Your relationship to your future?
    Hoping it will be a better one.

    Describe more:

    The things you are proud of?
    Skipping

    The things that you wish you had?
    My ideal romantic partner and life with him. Happiness, contentment.

    The things you regret?
    Nothing yet...I mean I kinda regret some thing slightly but idk sometimes things play out in a way that may ultimately end up being optimal for you anyway.

    The things you want?
    Skip since I kinda already answered this.

    The things you need?
    Better and more healed mental health.

    I am skipping the rest
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  2. #12
    Unicorn in disguise Lord Lavender's Avatar
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    @Frosty (Just wanted to tag ya I know your probably busy IRL and all).
    Likes Zhaylin liked this post

  3. #13
    Senior Member Frosty's Avatar
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    Yep Im going to wait until this... well. Im going to wait a while more and get more responses so I can try to roll these out all at once
    The only kinds of fights worth fighting are those you’re going to lose, because somebody has to fight them and lose and lose and lose until someday, somebody who believes as you do wins.
    I.F. Stone

    Johari

    Nohari

  4. #14
    Senior Member OptoGypsy's Avatar
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    How do you relate to the feelings of:

    Excitement? I get easily excited, I want to be lost in the moment

    Fear? Being Crucified by a witch on top of the Sistine chapel by the middle fingers, although it would probably mean i can transcend death and become madness itself, God.

    Jealousy?
    I dont experience it
    Hope?
    prayer, according to Pandora box hope is an illusion, a necessary evil
    Anger?
    I become Trollish
    Hurt?
    I gain Bravado
    Love?
    I want a helper that can reality check me
    Sadness?
    Melancholy, nostalgia
    Happiness?
    I dont want to live like lifestock, i choose dignity over happiness
    Frustration?
    I get frustrated with myself when I make a mistake
    Disappointment?
    I Don't get disappointed on others but do on myself
    Tension?
    I crack a joke
    Curiosity?
    I love philosophy and discovering new theories, I enjoy making theories, such as explaining the phenomena of consciousness through the tangible force that is madness
    Loneliness?
    I feel lonely often and end up calling up friends or family
    Anticipation?
    I get anticipated easily but on the flip side I also feel anxiety due to this. I lack patience.
    How do you relate to the concepts of:

    Revenge?
    Satans Bastion
    Kindness?
    I try to be as kind as possible as long as it doesn't get in the way of my individuality
    Betrayal?
    Melancholy
    Faith?
    Redemption is a big deal for me, so is inner peace and joy
    Belief?
    Christian
    Friendship?
    The ability to grow stronger, and get closer to God
    Perfection?
    I'm a perfectionist who gets depressed when I dont reach the expectations I have for myself, I live to impress my boss
    Loss?
    I'm afraid of being left behind, nostalgia, I get a tingly feeling down the spine in melancholy
    Missing out?
    The ability to see how things will fit in, life is a puzzle
    How do you relate to your experiences of:

    Yourself?
    Scattered
    Your emotional state?
    Unstable, longing for closeness
    Your intellect?
    Creative Genius
    Your relationships with others?
    Trollish
    Your relationship with people you love?
    I always tell them that I love them, ability to build relationships and share personal values
    Your relationship with people you hate?
    I don't hate others
    Your relationship with yourself?
    I'm awesome, lover of knowledge, creativity and wisdom
    Your relationship to society?
    I love culture and the arts
    Your relationship to societies expectations?
    Its a main focus, the ability to build relationships and get close to people
    Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?
    Black and white thinking, self hate, self love
    Your relationship to your past?
    Nostalgia is a frozen cherubim riding a carousel
    Your relationship to your present?
    Abosrbed
    Your relationship to your future?
    Anxiety mixed in with excitment
    Describe more:

    The things you are proud of?
    My ability to write poetry and prose
    The things that you wish you had?
    Patience, wisdom
    The things you regret?
    Doing Drugs, smoking
    The things you want?
    A self-built house, a self-owned car
    The things you need?
    Food, Water
    The things you wish you could do without?
    My heart, I heard it tastes great with tea
    The things you know you could do without?
    Social Media, Video Games
    And finally:

    Who are you?
    an artist of the human spirit: Human nature is like walking among trees under the blue moon under the starless night stumbling upon a bulging deer at a river bed next to the raging currents, the deer is barely alive, and out bursts several rats creating a crater running in a scattered pace in several different locations towards nevermore.
    Last edited by OptoGypsy; 06-02-2019 at 03:18 PM.

  5. #15
    Fire & Ice Chaotic Symphony's Avatar
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    I. actually love how fucking vague this is. Like it is so OPEN to interpretation this way. I loveee it. it also makes you think damn I don't allow myself to feel certain things OKAY.


    How do you relate to the feelings of:

    Excitement?: I am very excitable I think, in both ways. Some will say my burst of negative emotion is getting too "Excited" and others will say my sheer joy at a jar of glitter is also "excitement". I just relate to how one anticipation of something good can completely change my mood. Expectations of something negative can also. I sort of come off very mood swingy with it.

    Fear?: Fear is usually denied until it looks at me in the eyes in the form of a bee. XD When I feel fear or anxiety I grow angry with myself and try to fight it off, because I feel my fears are a huge weakness for me because I'm afraid of anything I'm not actually comfortable with. My fear has held me back so many times I would like to punch myself in the face for it.

    Jealousy?: You know this is like that little epiphany thing. Growing up I never really felt myself as someone who was "jealous" of anything and I really wasn't, but I have always envied those people who...just have it easy when it comes to forming relationships. All my friendships growing up were extremely short lived, unhealthy, or just forgotten by the other party. I always felt like whatever I did wasn't enough, yet this "bitch" off to the side was enough. I grew a jealousy for whoever took my place. My friend of 2 years associated with this other girl more later and without even knowing her I hated her. Now at work a guy I had a crush on at the beginning, has this girl he snuggles with at lunches and we were friendly but now I find venom in my heart at her, although I don't even want him anymore. Its as if my heart says if I cannot have it, no one can. It's weird. I'm trying to ignore it.

    Hope?: Um... Honestly most of my years I kind of struggled with despair. I will make a 10 year plan and beat it to death until I feel there is no hope I can succeed. I decided living in the present was healthier for me. No more 10 year plans, just 10 hour plans. I needed to let go of that issue.

    Anger?: Me and Cat were discussing the other day how for the first time in my life I acknowledged I am actually an angry person. Like angry, with a capital A. I get MAD at almost everything. I come off mad at the world. I don't even know who I'd be if I wasn't pissed off about something. Like the world just aggravates me. People with potential wasting it, incompetent people getting in positions to boss people around who need a stick shoved up their butts, people using other people. I get mad, this world could be great, beautiful, loving, empathetic. It could be a good place but everyone keeps choosing something bad and it just makes me want to burn the universe. People are idiots, they're complete idiots. They're assholes. I had so much empathy for people in the past and I just got tossed into the nearest gutter. I'm sick of covering up your short comings. Fix it your fucking self. In a way though, I would not be who I am WITHOUT my anger. My anger drives me too. My anger makes me want to fix the world and in turn I am driven into a place where I might change something. My anger gives me pushes to deal with my own short comings. I couldn't lift much when I started my job and grew so angry of the situation I did oversized every day, arm death and all, until I COULD. I can lift 50 lbs now. I went from like 20 lbs to 50 lbs. My anger drives me.

    Hurt?: Hurt is my second most felt emotion behind anger...oops. I am oversensitive so honestly, I'm easily hurt. My feelings are easily messed with to the point I always kind of want someone less emotional than me to validate that I am hurt. Like "tell me it is okay I feel the way I do about it, that I'm not being sensitive." in a way it is a sword though because if the friend doesn't validate me I'll mentally feel they're insensitive to me as well and just crawl into some secluded corner. I get over that though, maybe not the person who originally hurt my feelings. I can brood on my hurt for ages. I keep them like mental receipts. When we fight I remind you how you've already made this mistake before and didn't change the issue. Why should I let it go now? At the same time a coworker giving me advice suggested that if it hurt you, it matters, and I shouldn't ever feel I am not allowed to feel something.

    Love?: Love is like a warm hug when you're scared. That became my best description. It is this sudden soft feeling in your heart although you've hardened it to everyone else. That person you finally don't fear is going to rape you in a secluded area if you go out alone. It is comforting, it is a warm fire in winter. The thing that hears you out even when you're being an idiot. The thing that takes you as you are and doesn't try to change everything you are, but will tell you the truth.

    Sadness?: You know I think I always sort of put my hurt as my sadness. I'm not sure how to separate hurt from sadness. Being hurt makes me sad. Seeing someone ELSE that I care about hurt makes me sad. okay to be honest anyone of any kind hurting saddens me. We can be bitter enemies but you had to have done something truly awful if I have no sadness for you when something goes wrong in your life. Like, you must be some void of heart pariah. There's maybe...2 people in my world that can even fit that bill. I guess in a sense my anger is also my sadness. I am sad I can't actually change how people are and fix it. I feel like if people showed more love, empathy, etc. the world would just be BETTER. The world depresses me a lot. I try to escape reality just to avoid that depression of this world just sucks.

    Happiness?: I am going to be real. I don't know if I have experienced true happiness. Temporary happiness? Yes, of course. In the form of amazing people, awesome musicians I'm obsessed with, decent friends. But I don't think I've ever been drunk on happiness. I don't know if I just have a negative attitude or what. Nevertheless everyone around me finds me warm, cheery, and kind. I feel cold on the inside.

    Frustration?: My life is a series of frustrations with my lack of ability to change things. I cannot change my environment. I cannot change people to make them care about something. I cannot change the negatives surrounding me. I cannot just snap out of my anxieties. I cannot magically do whatever I wish I could. I cannot play an instrument well. I can't just say fuck money and follow my every hearts artists desires with my subpar abilities. I can't. Nothing ever feels like it is "enough" in my life and I want to scream. I can never please anyone. I can't even please myself.

    Disappointment?: I am disappointed in the human race, disappointed in myself for not being able to do things I want to do, disappointed I struggle to cope. Yea, disappointing...

    Tension?: Can I just put one of my coworkers names here? JK. But seriously, I get tension headaches from having to be around him too long. I dread going to work if I know he is going to be there...

    Curiosity?: I think I am always curious in the sense of knowledge. If someone has information on something I know nothing about I am a sponge. I however find myself to become a dabbler of many but master of none. I always have 2000 ideas and try to execute them at the same time and I end up never actually finishing anything. Which leads to frustration, disappointment, anger, despair, all the above things. I have trouble just staying on one thing. I always have the remnants and I go back and am like YEAH GONNA FINISH THIS NOW then another shiny toy distracts me and takes my muse for a month then another than I end up back around and I need to actually stop that.

    Loneliness?: I...often deny I am lonely. I have this "I don't need people" attitude, that I'm fine attitude to it. But when I was in therapy my therapist said I surround myself with those people who hurt me because although they hurt me, they also never actually leave. I'm lonely, I am human, I want to be needed and loved by someone. And I figure I am, I just replace the word lonely with hurt at people who have friends and I don't and etc. I replace it with another emotion. I refuse to admit I feel alone.

    Anticipation?: I think "anticipation" maybe the closest thing to "happiness" I have. Like, just knowing this thing you're excited about is gonna happen, it feels nice. Nice to look forward to something. Honestly, I don't look forward to much because I feel it just disappoints me. So when I do its....nice. It feels like I'm allowing myself some leverage. Leg room. Softened time.

    How do you relate to the concepts of:

    Revenge?: While I have never successfully performed revenge, I have had many vivid fantasies of getting vengeance on people who have deeply hurt me. Their public humiliation, their pain, finally telling them off, finally showing them I was stronger and better, above that. Making them feel as miserable as they made me. I brew it like warm soup for an illness. I however also hate this side of myself, therefore I pretend I never do this. If anyone asks, I am not a vengeful person. No one around me would ever use that adjective to define me. I make sure of it.

    Kindness?: ...this is going to sound sickeningly awful... Of course I am kind! I believe in being kind. Kindness is a virtue, it is a good thing, and for the most part, just actually like part of me. I am naturally kind. I want people to feel at home when they walk in, I know how anxious I tend to feel coming in somewhere and it softens me to every newbie. But sometimes...I also feel annoyed by a need to be kind. I feel it as something, it is part of me, but also, I feel it like an obligation. I am obligated to be kind even when you make me want to literally just cut you. Kick your ass. I "have to be kind" have to be a bigger person. I hate that part...I hate feeling I have to be kind no matter what. Sometimes, you don't deserve my kindness...

    Betrayal?: if you actually betray me,
    you are one of the people in those fantasies.
    Truly, I rarely experience "real" betrayal. I think when I reflect I've only experienced it twice. I feel so bitter even now. I could never love or trust them again. My oblgation to kindness almost goes out a window. I almost just don't care if I hurt you anymore. It feels like a sort of psychotic feeling. I know that isn't the right word, but it numbs me. It numbs out all of those things that tell me NOT to be like them. Except then I just hate myself, because I don't want to be the people who hurt me.

    Faith?: My faith is everything to me. I mean literally. Because if I didn't have God I would actually be dead I think. I really think so. I would've killed myself a hundred times over because if I didn't have some sort of faith in God, in heaven, in future justice, this world is the biggest fucking dumpster fire and I would not be able to cope AT ALL.

    Belief?: I feel like I've lost a lot of my belief. Not in God or anything, more just, in people or society. As a child I had this belief, this idealism, of how things will always get better. The world keeps proving me wrong. It just gets worse, I just get more depressed about it. To some disappointments, I've just become numb. Like I am used to it. It shouldn't ever be this way.

    Friendship?: Some people feel I treat friendship like a romantic relationship. These people piss me off and I want to hit them hard with a metal chair. I don't expect you to be here every waking minute, ever hour, every single negative whiny event, I do expect loyalty. I find it rare today to find people who actually stand with their friends. By that I mean, people have a tendency to treat friendships like facebook. They will rarely talk to you but consider you still friends, and if you're unfriended they'll just ghost you or make you the problem for having expectations. There will be no closure. I think that's what is hard. Like...I ended a friendship recently and as hard as it was, I spoke to them. I told them. I gave them that closure, that knowing why. Who can just walk in and out of someone's life like they don't have feelings? What kind of person are you, to just leave? I don't even treat my online friends that bad. I can list a large clump of online friends who have hurt me in that way though...just walking out with no explanation at all. I can't handle how people view friendship so shallowly these days.

    Perfection?: God why did you have to put this here. I hate this. I am a perfectionist. I want a perfect world, a perfect life, perfect friends, and a perfect me. Except I can't. I get a B and I lose my shit. My friends call me their "mother" when I actually am telling them if they don't get their homework finished they won't have a future. I see everyone's potential and want them to see it through. They hate me for it. I see my own potential and can't reach it. I hate myself for it. I hate I can't just let THINGS GO. I can't just not worry about if it is correct and right. It has to be "perfect". Remove that word from the human race before it destroys another innocent soul.

    Loss?: I hate losing. I hate losing things so much. Usually loss to me refers to relationships. I just hate losing people. On one hand I hate the loss, I also start a paranoia though. I begin wondering now that it is over, after everything, what are they saying about me? Who is listening? It kind of began after I lost a friend who tried to sabotage a new friendship I had. Ever since I fear people damaging that potential. So "loss" ends up being a lot of anxiety as well.

    Missing out?: Depends. Honestly the more I see what I am supposedly "missing out" on, the more I think I am not missing anything. I've never been one for big parties, raving, etc. I don't really feel I am missing out on that. I always feel like something IS missing from my life at times, but I do not feel like I am actually "missing out".

    How do you relate to your experiences of:

    Yourself?: Can I throw me into a chamber and get me a new brain? I think that'd help. I have tried desperately in my life to make the "right" changes but no matter what nothing was right. In the end I am just this angry, oversensitive, overly asinine being with the ability to magically be kind? I don't really know how to experience myself. I don't think I want to. I like to introspect yet also enjoy avoiding it as much as humanly possible.

    Your emotional state?: I am literally run on emotions. If I was emotionless I would be a completely new person. Everything I do is based on emotion. Then I start thinking about logic later. It is actually not a cool thing to do, don't do that kids.

    Your intellect?: I actually think I am quite intelligent. I know I am intelligent, bookwise. Not always street smart, but intelligent. I have wrapped my head around things other people feel like I talk "over" them about. I have tutored people on homework problems or trained people at work. I am capable of doing and showing. I just use my emotions instead of my head. XD

    Your relationships with others?: God I have a handful of just, the greatest friends on earth. I don't care most of them are online, they have been here for me when things were ugly and things were good. Listened to my incessant whining about the human race. Saw me grow. They are priceless to me and I would defend them with my life.

    Your relationship with people you love?: I am extremely loyal, but not void of honesty. The more I care about you, the more likely I am to be confrontational about something. More because, I value our relationship so much I do not want any of my anger or frustration to scar it. I want us to cope with it, not hide from it. If I am confronting you, do not be hurt. Realize I value you. I see something to fight for.

    Your relationship with people you hate?: Oh my god. They are a bane of my existence. Online and offline, It is like I watch, read, look. I cannot control myself. I somehow grow more attracted to everything you do because of how much I just fucking HATE you. I keep receipts. I wait for your destruction. Slowly. It really isn't healthy.

    Your relationship with yourself?: What? You mean I am supposed to have a good relationship with myself, be nice to me, and actually encourage me? Oh no my brain never did that. Can we go back to the part of the brain transfusion?

    Your relationship to society?: We had a pretty nasty divorce when I was about 16. I think I got the better bargain.

    Your relationship to societies expectations?: I need that gif that is like "come at me bro" and the other one that's like "I give 0 fucks!" But it isn't totally true. I do still feel certain societal obligations like anyone else. Abiding by the law, patriotism, etc. nevertheless if you're just some cliquey group off to the side telling me I should wear more lipgloss than the above IS accurate and YOU CAN FUCK OFF THE DOORS THAT WAY SWEETIE.

    Your relationship to expectations you place on yourself?: Oh god. I have such unrealistic expectations. Because of my perfectionism too. Then I can't reach them, talk myself down, feel I can't do ANYTHING AT ALL, then give up and cry in a corner. I am working on that. I want to fix that.

    Your relationship to your past?: You know, it is complicated. I mean, I have PTSD from that predator. I have never been the same. I will never be the same. I've looked back and wished I had believed in myself more with people, tried harder to form that relationship instead of that one, because it would've been better. At the same time I don't think I'd change anything. I've been hurt, scarred, challenged, and just worn to shreds. Yet, I don't know who I would be without it. Would I still be that shallow preteen who just wanted to be loved and accepted into some cool group? Or would I have become the person I am now, who may not love themselves, but at least feels secure that it is okay to be themselves in a way. I don't know. I think I'd just leave it alone. In the past I used to cry how I wish I had never met those people. Yet they also made me who I am now. So I guess one good thing came of it.

    Your relationship to your present?: I am trying to live IN my present. as a kid, I was so busy daydreaming about something else I wasn't really there looking at what was directly IN FRONT OF ME. I'm bad at it still but I am trying to be in the moment, less hard on myself.

    Your relationship to your future?: I am also trying NOT to do that, because when I think about the future, I rip it to shreds, see no hope, and just wish I were dead or at least capable of something.

    Describe more:

    The things you are proud of?: Despite dropping out and losing my shit for a year I'm proud of myself for pulling myself up and getting back on track. I remember still during that time a few people on discord were claiming I was making some very unhealthy stated decisions. Being too abrupt, bouncing too much. I wasn't sitting down and calming down. I was just "losing it". My mother kept telling me to hit the stop button. I needed to stop. I was self destructing. And I kind of was. Without college, without a dream, what was I? What was the point? Filling blue totes the rest of my life? I tried to be optimistic but I was miserable. I felt like I had nothing. Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself again though... and I gained a lot. I realize now I can survive. That's weird but I just...always had this deep fear with my anxiety, with everything, I would meltdown and couldn't handle things. I'd break, I was too fragile. But with all my sensitivities, all my anxiety, I have survived. I can.

    The things that you wish you had?: I wish I had less emotional impulses. :p JKJK. Honestly at this point I'm trying to wish less to be something different and accept myself. If someone could love me this way, then I must not be that bad...

    The things you regret?: I regret not tempering myself sometimes when it comes to things. I jump into things so rapidly, gungho, and sometimes it is bad because the relationship becomes negative. I want to learn to take my time and actually smell the roses. I don't spend enough time just taking the time, and focusing.

    The things you want?: I want a better life than I have now. I hope maybe something closer to happy.

    The things you need?: Honestly... I need a relationship with myself. I am always trying to form relationships with others without really trying to be friends with myself. I am doing better but it feels weird how actually closed off I can be. Someone asked me the other day my favorite thing to do in my spare time and I clammed up. I had the answer, I just feared exposing it. It is as if I hide myself for protection. Why did I become so guarded? I had many acquaintances and no friends. I don't let enough people close.

    The things you wish you could do without?: I could do without assholes. :P

    The things you know you could do without?: I could DEFINITELY do without assholes!

    And finally:

    Who are you?: You know my parents ask me this question saying I don't know who that is and I get so furious and I never get to answer because I don't feel like sometimes they have a right to know since they've never been supportive or caring of my passions, at least my grandfather and brother weren't. My mother has grown a lot from stuff. I remember I was going to choose an artsy major at college and she said she wouldn't support my starving artistry. I am now going back with a social work major and doubling with creative writing and she's supporting me.
    I tend to think I had a friend describe me best. Two words. "Vulgar angel." Because I am so idealistic yet in my whole plan existed 20 cuss words. XD But it is so fitting. I still am idealistic, I still want to be part of change, I want to uproot the status quo that apathy is the way to go, selfishness is key, etc. It is so important to be bigger than yourself. I however had my vulgar dark side. My anger and hurt can take over me. My depression eats at me. My anxiety grounds me. I can be so bitter, and hurtful to others when I am hurt. Yet I try so hard to be good. So maybe I am neither light or dark, but simply grey. I have always have trouble with black and white thinking. This can be my reminder ultimately, to be kinder to myself. I am not black and white either. I am full of ideas and passions, but too nervous to share my thoughts. I truly fear ridicule. I always call myself timid when others call me courageous. I feel I respond with a shake in my voice moreso than a boom. But as I've worked more I realized my quiver can disappear if I am fired up enough. So in a sense, I am a dreamer with a dark mind.

    - - - Updated - - -

    side note of things I'm proud of: while I was doing this I was telling Cat I wasn't going to post it because I feel like some of it is so ugly. it makes me sound so ugly. XD
    Fearsome hearts, I wouldn't lie
    I got memories that travels my mind
    Fear not, fear not when you go
    I got pieces of your hate in my soul
    Look at me now
    I'm falling apart in daylight
    All the pieces that I've lost, I have loved


    Formerly: JazzyLarsen, Crystal Winter Dream, Hummingbird Spirit

  6. #16
    Fire & Ice Chaotic Symphony's Avatar
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    @Frosty I killed your thread with a way too long of reply. :P
    Fearsome hearts, I wouldn't lie
    I got memories that travels my mind
    Fear not, fear not when you go
    I got pieces of your hate in my soul
    Look at me now
    I'm falling apart in daylight
    All the pieces that I've lost, I have loved


    Formerly: JazzyLarsen, Crystal Winter Dream, Hummingbird Spirit

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