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  1. #11
    Senior Member Tater's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    LSI Se


    That sucks. So, he died without having faced you about loving you. On top of that, he fought the same battle and he failed to make it, in contrast with you. So I assume you have some survivor's guilt in addition to having unresolved questions about what could have been. I'm sorry to hear that.
    In challenge lies opportunity.
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  2. #12
    Can't be satisfied. Peter Deadpan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016


    Loss and grief also shape my life, moreso than anything else. I don't have any magical answers right now as I'm processing everything myself, but I do know that pushing the feelings away isn't the answer, nor is judging yourself for not feeling differently. What also might help and tends to be difficult for 4s is to flip things around so you see them in a different light. This isn't aiming spotlights at the matter until all the shadows disappear. Rather, it's turning the scene toward the sun and observing the beauty of the light and shadow entwined, recognizing that they are one.

    Remember your loved one. Thank him for everything he brought to your life because he shaped you for better. Thank him for showing you that nothing in life is guaranteed to be permanent and use that as motivation to be in the present moment, in your body. Focus on your breath, breathe into the area below your navel. Do not push the feelings away or overanalyze them or amplify them so that you can feel a lasting connection to him via loss. Just let them do their own thing while breathing, staying centered in your body and gut center. When the feeling naturally subsides a bit, do not cling to it. Do not squeeze another breath out of it and instead continue to breath from the present. Open your eyes (because they've likely been closed) and look around you to reground yourself where you are. Let out a long breath of release, then get up and go for a short walk or do some stretches/light yoga for a moment.

    Do this as often as it comes on. If you feel a need to process thoughts and feelings afterward with a clearer headspace, then by all means, write about it. Write to him, write to your God, write to yourself, write to past you or future you, just write. Then, go back to your life because you still have the gift of life and that's a beautiful blessing that as you know isn't guaranteed for anyone.
    '“Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel.
    And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new.

    Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

    - look it up yourself

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  3. #13
    ENFJ In Chains Domino's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    4w3 sx/so
    EIE Ni


    I want to thank everyone who contributed here and in private. It meant a lot. Yes, I do have quite a bit of survivor’s guilt. His last words to me were ‘you look good’ like he was relieved I was alright but angry that he had to leave. I know how self-protective NTs can be, and to have him trailing wires and tubes and struggling to breathe while putting his arms out to me in a way he never dared do in health, it just fucking shattered me. I was shaking with distress and trying not to faint bc he held on to me so tight, like a little boy. I would have done literally anything to restore him. Twin and I both felt him pass the next day. The heavy brick in our chests just lifted.

    I find beauty and strength in all types, but Ne-primaries gut me with how beautiful their bravery is to me. My ENFP is brave this way too. A special brand of resiliency and courage. When I finally bend and love someone, they have a special power or magic charm, like clown fish evading my anemone stings.

    My insides were kicked out when he died. I’m trying to accept the presence of the hole.

    Thank you again ❤️

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