Regret: Do you have any regrets in your life?

[LightSun]

Regret: Do you have any regrets in your life? Do you dwell on past mistakes or do you move on and ascribe it to a lesson learned on the path of life?



"In life I've had regrets. The regret is on how I handled the situation at the time. Of course at the time I thought I was making a sound judgment. One thing that is beneficial are the experiential lessons we derive from life's experiences. I try and use my gift of insight and try to improve myself. Also as a general tendency I do learn from my mistakes. In life I have learned about emotional reasoning, denial, rationalization and blind spots. This is a problematic area for in our subconscious are cognitive schema which are incorporated into our belief system.

All lead us astray but it takes time and hindsight to reflect on how we could have handled the situation better. In this scenario we may act from a defense mechanism position. We do this to offset an emotional trigger from our own unfinished business from the past and developed during our formative years. This is precisely the area where insight, a reflective nature and mindfulness come into play. No one is perfect and we each carry flaws. It is imperative that I look at and Gage a situation by using critical thinking and acting in the most realistic manner possible. In overcoming triggers and healing unhealed aspects of ourselves we must not give in by reacting in an automatic fashion.

Without reflection I may resort to a defense mechanism behavior that may not be entirely rational,or healthy. By performing in situations where triggers once occurred in a more realistic manner we break a cycle of acting in an irrational and ineffective manner. In this way growth occurs and through insight I deepen in both depth and breadth. One thing though is that I don't dwell on what I did or didn't do. I acted the best I could at the time. We are each flawed individuals. All that we can do is try and keep moving forward."

 

[Population: 1]

Yes. I’m human, and if you suffer from that affliction, you accumulate at least a few as you go. They’re sprinkled throughout my life and they’re all significant. They mostly deal with how I treated others. Whether I purposely or inadvertently caused harm they sometimes revisit me. Sometimes as a dull ache and sometimes with profound sharpness. They’re all lessons and though I’ve taken most of them to heart well before now, they resurface from time to time, dislodged from their normal resting place to rise again. They’re brought to forefront by association or general reflection.

Anyway, time to finish my coffee and attend to the day.

 

[Nomendei]

Who doesn’t?

I believe that every single person has done something he shouldn’t or hasn’t something he should have. Of course, there are things that are more regretful than others.

 

[Madboot]

As an adult, I think one would have to be a sociopath to have no regrets.

 

[1487610420]

 

[Stigmata]

Absolutely, but you know what? Until they successfully master time travel, I'm stuck with the decisions that I've made, so I might as well learn to live with my regrets and try to focus on making the best possible situation out of what I've got to work with.

Dwelling too much on the past is the fasttrack to an early grave filled with misery.

 

[Forever]

Absolutely, but you know what? Until they successfully master time travel, I'm stuck with the decisions that I've made, so I might as well learn to live with my regrets and try to focus on making the best possible situation out of what I've got to work with.

Dwelling too much on the past is the fasttrack to an early grave filled with misery.

So even if you correct your mistakes in the past, do you remember your original mistake and the correction? Or just somehow you met some older version of yourself like almost everyday like randomly intervening and harassing you. Lol

 

[Maou]

Not a single day I don't stop and think about my mistakes, and all the opportunities I had missed out on being a anxious piece of human trash that just takes up space. Regret has destroyed most of my motivation, because I have failed more often than I have succeeded.

 

[Yuurei]

I know there are many insignificant regrets that no longer effect my life today.

But as far as large ones which I do believe would have made a bigger impact on my life? I can think of only two.
Although I don't look back and think " What an idiot! I should have done those things!" I think that my reasons for making the decisions I did were perfectly valid considering my situation and perception of the world at the time.

It's unfortunate but I do not blame myself.

 

[Earl Grey]

Regret: Do you have any regrets in your life?

I'd be surprised if any one of us do not have any regrets whatsoever in their life. It's not just about big things, but small things too. Regretting you slept too late last night, regretting you ate too much ice cream, regretting you added too much hot sauce into your food. This is a strange question.

Do you dwell on past mistakes or do you move on and ascribe it to a lesson learned on the path of life?

I try not to dwell. Regrets and mistakes can teach you something, or show you what it is you did wrong. Beyond that, it's nothing but baggage.
It's an outlook I have consciously taken up ever since I was younger. It's generally more effective, and healthier than dwelling.

 

[Lark]

As an adult, I think one would have to be a sociopath to have no regrets.

I dont know enough about sociopathy really to draw this conclusion but to live without regrets I think is some kind of disorder, for it to be real as opposed to some kind of denial or repression it would surely have to involve some kind of amnesia or brain/memory issue/damage.

This is actually one of the best criticisms of "in the moment mindfulness" that I've read, contrary to the idea of the "power of now" avoidance or thinking about the past or future no one would really want to live in that state. I've been reading a book called Carpe Deim Reclaimed or something like that and the author even mentions the experience of someone with a state of amnesia which results in their forgetting every thirty minutes or something like that, the best popular reference I can think of is the movie 30 first dates.

I've also heard an idea or aphorism which I think is true that for most people if they could swap their problems for those of another they usually would prefer to keep their own problems rather than have anyone else's problems instead. Its a relative idea of course. However, I think the point is that the problems rise from ones unique experiences, which are unique to the individual and generally they are attached to them or have ownership of them.

My regrets are pretty various, what surprises me is that there are the obvious serious incidents, which have resulted in trauma or psychological injury, hidden illness, all that but sometimes the simply embarrassing or minor can be felt just as acutely, strange that. I would also say that its not connected to any real or objective sense of agency, I regret things that I have no real power to influence when I think about it. Its an automatic thing which I've read can be a legacy of context and consequences shaping your thinking. I'm not a hard determinist, I believe in free will and decisiveness and dont shirk or rationalise where I can avoid it by awareness but I also think things can become patterned on your brain whether you want it to happen or not.

 

[Tomb1]

I think that Karen Horney's work on the false self and the real self is applicable. The more that a person is holding themselves to an ego-ideal, the more prone they are towards having regrets, and the more accepting that a person is of their real self, the less prone they are towards having regrets.

**

"The neurotic person's self is split between an idealized self and a real self. As a result, neurotic individuals feel that they somehow do not live up to the ideal self. They feel that there is a flaw somewhere in comparison to what they "should" be. The goals set out by the neurotic are not realistic, or indeed possible."

Karen Horney - Wikipedia (theory of the self)

**

"The neurotic says to himself: “Forget about the disgraceful person you actually are; this is how you should be; and to be this idealized self is all that matters.”

Examples. I should be the utmost of honest, generosity, consideration, justice, dignity, courage, unselfishness. I should be the perfect lover, teacher, husband. I should be able to endure everything, should like everybody, should love my parents, my wife, my country. I should always enjoy life. I should be above pleasure.

One’s idealized self is not feasible. The neurotic, nevertheless, believes he can and should attain it."

"(1) Relentless demands on self. E.g., “I should be able to solve everyone’s problem.” This implies that anything that goes wrong is his fault. E.g., A brother and sister are drowning; the brother knows that if he tries to save sister, they’ll both drown, but that he’s able to save himself. He saves self, sister drowns. Now he feels like a murderer. (2) Merciless self-accusation. If one fails to reach the absolute of fearlessness, generosity, poise, will power, etc., his pride speaks the verdict of “guilty.” E.g., someone thinks he’s a failure for not achieving an extremely difficult task; a writer has trouble beginning a new novel (for legitimate reasons) but calls himself lazy; instead of admitting one’s more failures he beats himself up over them. E.g., “Sure I did a good deed, but I didn’t do it gladly”; an outsider might feel that this makes the action all the more worthy, but the self-hater would never see things this way. E.g., one reproaches himself for something beyond his control."

notes: Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney

 

[The Cat]

*checks pulse* Yep.

 

[highlander]

I really regret investing in Webvan.

 

[Yuurei]

I think that Karen Horney's work on the false self and the real self is applicable. The more that a person is holding themselves to an ego-ideal, the more prone they are towards having regrets, and the more accepting that a person is of their real self, the less prone they are towards having regrets.

**

"The neurotic person's self is split between an idealized self and a real self. As a result, neurotic individuals feel that they somehow do not live up to the ideal self. They feel that there is a flaw somewhere in comparison to what they "should" be. The goals set out by the neurotic are not realistic, or indeed possible."

Karen Horney - Wikipedia (theory of the self)

**

"The neurotic says to himself: “Forget about the disgraceful person you actually are; this is how you should be; and to be this idealized self is all that matters.”

Examples. I should be the utmost of honest, generosity, consideration, justice, dignity, courage, unselfishness. I should be the perfect lover, teacher, husband. I should be able to endure everything, should like everybody, should love my parents, my wife, my country. I should always enjoy life. I should be above pleasure.

One’s idealized self is not feasible. The neurotic, nevertheless, believes he can and should attain it."

"(1) Relentless demands on self. E.g., “I should be able to solve everyone’s problem.” This implies that anything that goes wrong is his fault. E.g., A brother and sister are drowning; the brother knows that if he tries to save sister, they’ll both drown, but that he’s able to save himself. He saves self, sister drowns. Now he feels like a murderer. (2) Merciless self-accusation. If one fails to reach the absolute of fearlessness, generosity, poise, will power, etc., his pride speaks the verdict of “guilty.” E.g., someone thinks he’s a failure for not achieving an extremely difficult task; a writer has trouble beginning a new novel (for legitimate reasons) but calls himself lazy; instead of admitting one’s more failures he beats himself up over them. E.g., “Sure I did a good deed, but I didn’t do it gladly”; an outsider might feel that this makes the action all the more worthy, but the self-hater would never see things this way. E.g., one reproaches himself for something beyond his control."

notes: Neurosis and Human Growth by Karen Horney

Yeah, this sounds like me.

The other day my husband told me that I should read the self-help books he has and my immediate response was “ No, I am fine with me.”
I let that sink in for a moment and asked myself “ Is that really true?” and there was no question “ Yes.”
I am not perfect, I wish I were better at certain things, but I don” blame myself, I don’t think there is anything wrongwith me as an individual. I would agree that I, like everyone, have my nuerosis but even those are rational respsonses to unhealthy stimuli; self-preservation and compensation is all it is.

If being comfortable with myself makes me a sociopath, so be it.

 

[1487610420]

It's easier to rationalize a self serving narrative than to self actualize.

 

[rav3n]

Having regrets is normal human behavior and can be an excellent self-training tool so you don't repeat behaviors and enter situations that you regret. Unfortunately, people sometimes go too far and use regret as a way to assert control over their past since if it's all their fault, they had control over the situation but realistically, they either shared responsibility for the outcome or had no control over the situation.

 

[Lark]

Yeah, this sounds like me.

The other day my husband told me that I should read the self-help books he has and my immediate response was “ No, I am fine with me.”
I let that sink in for a moment and asked myself “ Is that really true?” and there was no question “ Yes.”
I am not perfect, I wish I were better at certain things, but I don” blame myself, I don’t think there is anything wrongwith me as an individual. I would agree that I, like everyone, have my nuerosis but even those are rational respsonses to unhealthy stimuli; self-preservation and compensation is all it is.

If being comfortable with myself makes me a sociopath, so be it.

I think its interesting to read those sorts of books as a sub-genre sometimes, as a matter of interest, often to see what may be popular with others or influencing them.

Some information within those books is interesting if you "suspend disbelief" and use them, like a whole bunch of the recommendations for reframing and rethinking things to improve mood that you get in buzz feed or the like (I do think a lot of positive thinking or self-help genre's recycle a lot of content which is, at this point, available for free) has helped maintain a better mood for me when I'm not dealing with real serious issues. Which I think is what they are intended for.

Erich Fromm said that he thought that Karen Horney's material was interesting, I think perhaps it was The Neurotic Need For Affection that he was most impressed with (the ideas like "basic anxiety" and such she elaborates in that book correspond to other findings about attachment theories or needs and then attachment styles/vulnerabilities in other sources), but he did say that he thought her books were based largely on her own, unique experiences and were a sort of psycho-biography. Its interesting to read them that way. I read a few of her books and thought they were interesting. A lot of ideas to do with internal conflict and feeling conflicted I think can be traced back to Horney's theorising and I think she was one of the better at communicating what a psycho-dynamism is really like.

Self-psychology, within psycho-analysis, isnt actually something I'd associate mostly with Horney but another author Khut? Or something like that.

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It's easier to rationalize a self serving narrative than to self actualize.

What does this mean?

 

[1487610420]

I think its interesting to read those sorts of books as a sub-genre sometimes, as a matter of interest, often to see what may be popular with others or influencing them.

Some information within those books is interesting if you "suspend disbelief" and use them, like a whole bunch of the recommendations for reframing and rethinking things to improve mood that you get in buzz feed or the like (I do think a lot of positive thinking or self-help genre's recycle a lot of content which is, at this point, available for free) has helped maintain a better mood for me when I'm not dealing with real serious issues. Which I think is what they are intended for.

Erich Fromm said that he thought that Karen Horney's material was interesting, I think perhaps it was The Neurotic Need For Affection that he was most impressed with (the ideas like "basic anxiety" and such she elaborates in that book correspond to other findings about attachment theories or needs and then attachment styles/vulnerabilities in other sources), but he did say that he thought her books were based largely on her own, unique experiences and were a sort of psycho-biography. Its interesting to read them that way. I read a few of her books and thought they were interesting. A lot of ideas to do with internal conflict and feeling conflicted I think can be traced back to Horney's theorising and I think she was one of the better at communicating what a psycho-dynamism is really like.

Self-psychology, within psycho-analysis, isnt actually something I'd associate mostly with Horney but another author Khut? Or something like that.

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What does this mean?

idk, it just flows thru me from a higher plane

 

[Yuurei]

I think its interesting to read those sorts of books as a sub-genre sometimes, as a matter of interest, often to see what may be popular with others or influencing them.

Some information within those books is interesting if you "suspend disbelief" and use them, like a whole bunch of the recommendations for reframing and rethinking things to improve mood that you get in buzz feed or the like (I do think a lot of positive thinking or self-help genre's recycle a lot of content which is, at this point, available for free) has helped maintain a better mood for me when I'm not dealing with real serious issues. Which I think is what they are intended for.

Erich Fromm said that he thought that Karen Horney's material was interesting, I think perhaps it was The Neurotic Need For Affection that he was most impressed with (the ideas like "basic anxiety" and such she elaborates in that book correspond to other findings about attachment theories or needs and then attachment styles/vulnerabilities in other sources), but he did say that he thought her books were based largely on her own, unique experiences and were a sort of psycho-biography. Its interesting to read them that way. I read a few of her books and thought they were interesting. A lot of ideas to do with internal conflict and feeling conflicted I think can be traced back to Horney's theorising and I think she was one of the better at communicating what a psycho-dynamism is really like.

Self-psychology, within psycho-analysis, isnt actually something I'd associate mostly with Horney but another author Khut? Or something like that.

- - - Updated - - -



What does this mean?

That’s probably true-that it can be interesting-and I certainly do find other perspectives fascinating, but I have to admit that I have a bit if an aversion to them. Maybe it sounds petty ( Is it, petty, that I refused marijuana as a painkiller because my Father ruined his life with pot? Or a natural human response?) but I do not trust self-help authors.
Because I’ve seen what they have done to my husband.
“ Whaaaat ?! Those books are nothing but inspiring!”
Not if you are the type to over think and obsses over everything you do. He spends SO much time immersed in those books that they have the opposite effect, he wastes his life away reading rather than doing, so afraid he will fail to meet the standards in those books that he never TRIES anything. Then he buys MORE books to tell him it’s okay.

I can’t help but wonder if that is the true purpose if the “ self-help” industry, just another addicttion, no different than alcohol or drugs, designed to make one reliant on thier system so you will keep buying.