Forgive: Do you have it in your heart to forgive those wrongs done unto you in life?

[LucieCat]

Sometimes I forgive, and other times it's more like "I really don't care anymore."

Actually most times, my anger and grudges just sort of fall into the "it doesn't matter anymore" category.

And sometimes I just sort of forget if the person wasn't that impactful in my life. I was talking to a friend of mine since high school, who mentioned a former classmate of ours who hung around the same social groups (though neither of us were ever really friends with her). I had totally forgotten about this girl, who I saw as a blatant, self-absorbed, and judgmental hypocrite and let her know why and how her her behavior was bad on several occasions. This is uncharacteristic for me, and frankly if I were a more aggressive person, I could have called her out a lot more.

My friend mentioned that reflecting back, she realized that this girl would either (intentionally or unintentionally I'm not sure) trigger her severe anxiety attacks. After not seeing this individual in several years, my anger at her surged up again. Mainly because I never saw this girl do the things that caused my friend to have her anxiety attacks (though I'm honestly not surprised at all). She probably never did these things around me because she knew I wouldn't stand for it. And if our paths should ever cross again, I can't guarantee that I would tell her "Hey that was not cool. You've probably changed, but don't do that ever again."

But I had just sort of forgotten about her because she wasn't that important or influential in my life. Honestly, we didn't even know each other well. Just had mutual friends.

I dealt with her when I needed to. She tried to justify insulting my friend's belief in God once by saying that she was an atheist. My friend was taken aback because, obviously, being and atheist is not a blanket check to be a jerk about all other beliefs. He just stood there stunned, and she challenged him. So I snapped at her. I don't remember what I said. It may have been something like "Be quiet. Can't you see that he's trying to process the absolutely ridiculous, illogical justification for why you think you don't have to respect others' believes?"

I also once gave her a very stern lecture that I could have whoever I wanted come sit with me at lunch. And if she had a problem with any of my friends, she was free to leave because no one else had a problem with a specific friend of mine coming to sit with us. Don't think this really sunk in with her.

But in the end, I just don't really care anymore. This girl angered me to no ends. But, there are bigger problems in this world than a girl I haven't laid eyes on in years.

 

[Flâneuse]

If the person seems genuinely remorseful about what they've done, I try my hardest to forgive. If someone has reflected on whatever harm they did and they try to change for the better afterward, it seems irrational and pointless to hold onto a grudge against them.

But if they don't feel remorse for the harm they committed, I simply don't think they deserve to be forgiven. For my own sake I try not to dwell on it - I try to avoid contact with the person and put the grudge "on the shelf" instead of keeping it right in front of me - but it's still there in case I encounter the person again and need a strong reminder not to associate with or trust them again. I think grudges (in moderation, not of the obsessive, vendetta-ish variety) can actually be useful motivation to protect yourself emotionally against people who have harmed you and would be likely to do so again if you gave them the chance.

 

[Norexan]

I forgive but only if that person was so important to me. I notice that everything becomes lighter (nothing is heavy anymore, there is no pain, no suffering...) when you accept and forgive people's mistakes, their evil's acts and show them what is mean to be a human! Excellent experience to me

 

[Madboot]

I have managed to forgive. It's the forgetting part I struggle with. I acknowledge that it is something I should work on.

 

[Hypatia]

I believe forgiveness goes hand in hand with self-trust. Ultimately, do you trust yourself when circumstances might possibly go rough and conflict with your own perceived sense of self? When you can conquer your own shame, or fear, (however you perceive such “object relations” as it applies to your own conceptualization of enneagramic virtues and vices), then external tiffs might not seem to ring so intimidating.