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Has anyone read How To Win Friends and Influence People-what are your thoughts?

ladypinkington

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I was wondering if anyone has put into practice any of the priniciples they have learned from this book and what their experiences were as a result.

I was also interested in learning what others might have agreed with and found helpful or found disagreeable and why and why not.

What are your thoughts and experiences in getting people to like you, winning people to your ways of thinking, and changing bad behavior?
 

Salomé

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I think I only read the first half or so. It's pretty useful.

You're basing your assessment on what? :smooch:

I read it a long time ago. Someone gave it to me (bitch!).
It was pretty self-evident stuff. Smile, give compliments, be genuinely interested in folk - all the stuff I don't do.

Flattery works. Sad but true.
 

Jack Flak

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You're basing your assessment on what? :smooch:

I read it a long time ago. Someone gave it to me (bitch!).
It was pretty self-evident stuff. Smile, give compliments, be genuinely interested in folk - all the stuff I don't do.

Flattery works. Sad but true.
lol. The advice is useful, and I think I've heeded it three or four times. But normally, typically INTP-like, I'm much less interested in winning friends and influencing people than countless other things. ;)
 

notjeffgoldblum

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But normally, typically INTP-like, I'm much less interested in winning friends and influencing people than countless other things. ;)

ditto.

I'm reading it right now. This is probably also due to my INTPness, but a lot of the things were not so much self-evident as they were "duh! why didn't I realize that?"
 

INTJMom

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I was wondering if anyone has put into practice any of the priniciples they have learned from this book and what their experiences were as a result.

I was also interested in learning what others might have agreed with and found helpful or found disagreeable and why and why not.

What are your thoughts and experiences in getting people to like you, winning people to your ways of thinking, and changing bad behavior?
I read it @ 20 years ago when I was an entrepreneur.
In my opinion, INTJs are one of the most socially backward types, so I found it to be very helpful toward improving myself.
Here's a webpage that lists the main points of the book.
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
The ones that made a lasting impression on me, and which I have continued to utilize over the years are these:

  • Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
  • Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  • Smile.
  • Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  • The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
I have never been good at the "winning people to your ways of thinking", or "changing bad behavior" portions of the book. I guess I could have applied myself more to it, but I just don't think those ways. I think if I had seen it modeled more in other people, I may have been able to learn to emulate it.

I've since noticed, though, in the re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Andy is phenomenal at those things. I admire him for his skill in that, especially "Let the other person save face." I think he must do that to Barney in almost every episode!
 

Jae Rae

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I read it @ 20 years ago when I was an entrepreneur.
In my opinion, INTJs are one of the most socially backward types, so I found it to be very helpful toward improving myself.
Here's a webpage that lists the main points of the book.
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
The ones that made a lasting impression on me, and which I have continued to utilize over the years are these:

  • Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
  • Give honest and sincere appreciation.
  • Smile.
  • Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
  • The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
I have never been good at the "winning people to your ways of thinking", or "changing bad behavior" portions of the book. I guess I could have applied myself more to it, but I just don't think those ways. I think if I had seen it modeled more in other people, I may have been able to learn to emulate it.

I've since noticed, though, in the re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Andy is phenomenal at those things. I admire him for his skill in that, especially "Let the other person save face." I think he must do that to Barney in almost every episode!

INTJMom you're great! Who else could mention the Andy Griffith show to make a serious point and have it make sense? :)

Jae Rae
 

kuranes

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It was pretty self-evident stuff. Smile, give compliments, be genuinely interested in folk - all the stuff I don't do.

Flattery works. Sad but true.
Yeah, this was my feeling about it, too, to some degree. I can see NJG's point, also, in asking

My first issue with the book is that one of the principles is "Become genuinely interested in other people." Is this even possible? If you have to "become" interested in someone, that's not genuine.
This both true and yet ( in another way ) not true.

I keep forgetting, in my life, about the "not true" part; which is, that if one acts as though they feel something, with such seeming conviction and superb skill that the performance might even fool one's friends, or ( if watching in a mirror and pretending you don't know ) oneself, then a strange phenomena often takes place. One gradually actualizes the role into reality, so that one is no longer acting.
There are many more things I like about the material. It just so happens that it is much easier to pick out something I didn't like. Ironically, this very same human tendency is mentioned in the book and discouraged.
This is the stumbling block that I continue to trip over again and again. I naively believe all of the people who say they want honest constructive criticism ( not that I limit it to just them, or always make it constructive, but y'know....) from me. The book makes it clear that they really do NOT want this, at least most of the time, even if they ask for it. I keep telling myself, that, by saying what I really think about faults, my eventual praise on successfully accomplished points will be that much more meaningful to them. What I've found instead is that many people will think you're coddling them if/when you finally give them praise, especially if they're used to criticism from you. Now it may be that the book "was not written re: strong 'T's", but some of that may apply to them as well, because I can't tell you how many times that "Give it to me straight, I can take it" has come back to blow up in my face with people from all walks.

But I still haven't adopted the book's recommendations, even now, after all these proofs over the years that the book was right ! Because somehow this part seems "phoney" to me in another sense. So my compromise is to limit things more to what I sincerely did like about something or someone, then to give the whole treatment....that is..... when I remember to engage in this.

You can also use the same techniques on your own self ! They say the subconscious takes everything literally, and so if you curse yourself after every fairly serious mistake you make ( "You dumb shit!" ) for even a moment, then you should also be sure to speak ( present tense only ) about your strengths, or current "success" during other moments, in order to remove such negative "programming" that gets in there in this manner. Hard to believe, but the subconscious is a funny thing.

I can tell you that the part it says about coming to people for advice (help ) is a great way to not only get the advice, but to also get them to like you, because if they gave advice to someone that they "didn't like" there would be cognitive dissonance, and so therefore.....

Now you couldn't go up to someone who already hated you and expect to turn them around all the time with such techniques, but it may work at least partially even on them sometimes, and it is best used prior to things degenerating to such a point.

When I was a corporate headhunter, I had to use social engineering to get past all the phone screeners and into the IT department with names. People who were new to my company were surprised to hear me talking to gatekeepers on the phone about how it was my first day on the job at this company and "could they help?" etc. Some of these techniques need a new spin nowadays to continue working, as people have been warned about stuff like this, but it can certainly work in your life, too, if you can only remember to do it, as for some of us it appears to be "counter-intuitive". :) ( At least for a lot of us guys; I'm not sure how women might feel on the subject. )

INTJmom said:
I've since noticed, though, in the re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Andy is phenomenal at those things. I admire him for his skill in that, especially "Let the other person save face." I think he must do that to Barney in almost every episode!
:)
 

Salomé

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^ that's social-engineering Kuranes, not winning friends!
although, maybe it's the same thing.....
 

kuranes

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^ that's social-engineering Kuranes, not winning friends!
although, maybe it's the same thing.....
The last example is, in fact, social engineering; but read the rest of what I said and see if you can see where I'm coming from. Maybe you can help me re-state it, if you think a different example would get my point across better. ;)
 

Salomé

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I couldn't say it better than you have.
What it comes down to is this: Do you want to be popular, or do you want to be true to yourself? If you are a T, the two are frequently mutually exclusive.
 

INTJMom

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I couldn't say it better than you have.
What it comes down to is this: Do you want to be popular, or do you want to be true to yourself? If you are a T, the two are frequently mutually exclusive.
At the basic foundation, I agree with you.
I used to think the exact same way, but what I found out as I have gotten older, and been exposed to people who are naturally diplomatic, I have learned that there are times when I should not speak the "cold hard truth" especially if it's actually not fact, but merely my opinion. In those times, I have learned it's not necessary to speak. I get more pleasure in being diplomatic and treating the other person the way I would want to be treated, than in spouting my critical comments which may cause who knows how much hurt - and for what good purpose?

For instance, every one is complimenting someone's new hair do. I hate it. I either say nothing at all or I find something else to say that is still the truth, but not, "I hate it." What good would it do for her to know I hate her new do? Can she go to the hairdresser and get her hair put back the way it was? It just seems cruel to criticize at that point.

In the pleasure I receive from being more diplomatic, I am being true to my new self.
 

Salomé

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@Mom
right, but you've reinvented yourself to make yourself more socially acceptable. If other people weren't so sensitive, you wouldn't have to. You'd still be your true self.
 

kuranes

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im waiting for the prequel, "why you need people" :alttongue:
You often need their cooperation at work, if not in your social circles, and so it's not so much a matter of just "wanting to be popular" but wanting to get something done, or done a certain way. This has been my experience anyway.
 

Grayscale

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You often need their cooperation at work, if not in your social circles, and so it's not so much a matter of just "wanting to be popular" but wanting to get something done, or done a certain way. This has been my experience anyway.

fair enough, but cooperation doesnt necessarily require them to like you, just respect you.

anyways, even if they dont, there is always plenty of alternatives to asking nicely :devil:
 
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