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Parents: My 4 year old daughter freaked out about death

S16M4

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We were flipping through an anatomy book teaching her about the nervous system. She wanted to see bones, so I showed her bones.

She said she couldn't see her bones, so I said You won't be able to see your bones until you're dead. She freaked out about death. Didn't know what to do, so I tried some ways:

-You won't die for a long, long, long, long time. - no go
-The doctors will be able to keep you alive forever, do you want to be a doctor? - no go
-Some people believe you go to heaven and you live forever. - no go
-We're all made of star dust anyway, so we go back to being stars (didn't tell her how long it would take). - This seems to have worked, somewhat. I think she's good for the time being.

What are some ways you comfort your little ones about our impending doom?

I teach her about the Buddha, but we haven't gotten to Impermanence yet.

I know I know. Hindsight I should've just said her bones are underneath the skin, but she phrased it in a way that death had to be mentioned. First time parent problems.
 

Poki

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does she have anyone she knows that passed, like a grandma. can say she will get to see them all when she goes t heaven and its a beautiful place..well unless your not religious...there is a reason we have religion :doh:

i was talking to my son when he was 5 and told him he was gonna move out when he turned 18. he started bawling, he couldnt handle the idea of not being at home. i hade to turn it into a you will want to move out when you are that age. its what big people do.

the problems you face with kids
 

Rasofy

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tell her she's going to heaven

that trick has been working for thousands of years

gl
 

OrangeAppled

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My parents told me that when you die, it is kind of like when you are asleep. You aren't aware of anything, which means you have no pain, fear, etc.

My grandma died of breast cancer when I was 4, and they just told me she had no more pain and was at peace. I guess that worked to comfort me :shrug:

I suppose if they don't know anyone who has died yet, then it is harder to explain.

Is she more scared of her own death or perhaps your death (or others she cares about)?
 

Arctic Hysteria

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This is probably how I'd personally approach the subject with my own kids

 

Galena

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DISCLAIMER: not a parent

I think that's how old I was when I first "got" death and similarly freaked out. IME...I hate to say it, but nothing helped. To this day, deep down, nothing has lessened the shock one bit. And that's understandable, that's common. Because death is the greatest unknown, for many if not most of us there will always be some apprehension that eventually becomes a normal part of life's background. It's as bad or as good as what the individual makes of it. Maybe that fear will end someday, but whatever it is that can do that for me will be highly specific and personal - to expect someone else to guess it, even one as close as a parent, before I discover it myself, just seems absurd.

So, I guess I advocate just validating and relating to what she feels here rather than hoping for it to be soothed or offering any message in particular to make sense of it. Like - yes, that you're going to die is one of the toughest things to realize. We all must find our own way to deal with that moment, but that's what we all have in common. You and me and everyone you know and love - and I for one, am here if you need to talk about it.

Maybe the most important thing is just making it clear that you're available to listen to her thoughts about it if she needs. Having parents who are unflinching on the topic of death is a gift.
 

Cellmold

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I've mentioned this before but when I was 14 I had a major asthma attack and had a respiratory arrest, followed by a cardiac arrest and was technically dead for a short while.

Basically the experience (or rather experience of the absence of being able to experience) was just a memory of a gap in existence. But even in those last thrashing moments just before I went unconscious, the last thought was a product of the calmness the brain puts you under.

Even at the most basic level it's just another way of coping; like any other tale we use to shirk off the responsibility of confronting an eventual end. I think we can reason it very easily, but to emotionally accept it is more difficult and could take a lifetime, or multiple lifetimes. I think many just don't bother and stick it under a mental file called "I'll think about that later" but frankly, it's the most important thing to think about right now. Certainly in its ability to give us the freedom to exist in the 'right now' of right now.

I'm hardly a live life to the fullest, even so, but that's my problem and my issue to work through. Others will have their own. And desperately grasping after every impulse isn't necessarily what's meant by enjoying the moment or living a full life (though the latter is up to the person) as that's just another way of avoidance through indulgence .

I don't know if this helps but following on from the stardust example, is the idea that we're part of a relationship with a whole that encompasses all of what we experience as reality and dying is just the diffusion of borrowed energy, which is going back to where it came from.

Which it wasn't really separate from to begin with.
 

S16M4

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does she have anyone she knows that passed, like a grandma. can say she will get to see them all when she goes t heaven and its a beautiful place..well unless your not religious...there is a reason we have religion :doh:

tell her she's going to heaven

that trick has been working for thousands of years

Thanks, but I tried that. She didn't believe me.
 

Doctor Cringelord

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Star stuff, the tao, etc.

Mine already decided he thinks God is BS and he doesn't seem too preoccupied with death at the moment.
 
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