Life Stories

[magpie]

Tell me something important about your life. When were you happiest? When were you saddest? Are you where you want to be? Have you found your place in the world? If you have, did it give you catharsis? What did it feel like? If you haven't, do you think a place exists for you? Are you still looking? Did you just think fuck it all and make a place for yourself?

I want to know too about the worst, most horrible, cruelest thing you've ever done and the kindest, gentlest, most tender and selfless thing you've ever done because I want to see how those two things exist together in the same person.

 

[Yama]

When were you happiest?

I'm honestly not sure. I can think of many times when I was happy, but I can't rank them. Some of these memories are just random childhood memories, and some are more recent. I went to see a concert in LA with my friend, and I felt like a Real Grown Up because we booked our plane tickets and hotel and concert tickets and shuttle and got to the airport and got on a plane and flew away without parental supervision/help. I was also happy going to multiple conventions with my friends. I have fond memories of playing video games and just generally being more naive and innocent in childhood that I now look back on with envy and nostalgia.

When were you saddest?

Again, I don't know how to rank it. Probably the worst state I have been in was from February of this year up until a couple months ago, for, well, reasons anyone can see in that blog.

Are you where you want to be? Have you found your place in the world?

No. I don't know. I don't really know where I want to be.

If you haven't, do you think a place exists for you? Are you still looking? Did you just think fuck it all and make a place for yourself?

I'm still looking. I don't know if a place exists. Maybe I will never be able to achieve my ideal but if I can just find a little wedge to place myself in somewhat comfortably, that's all I need. I don't have to fit perfectly. Just have to fit.

I want to know too about the worst, most horrible, cruelest thing you've ever done and the kindest, gentlest, most tender and selfless thing you've ever done because I want to see how those two things exist together in the same person.

The cruelest thing I have ever done is probably when I used my sister's insecurities against her to put her down when she hurt me and made me mad. I did it consciously and I did it with the full intention of hurting her back/getting revenge.

I don't know what the most selfless thing I have ever done is. I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't really do anything worth nothing. The only thing I can think of is one time in high school, I left class early so I could get to my next class before the halls became crowded since I had to carry 2 cameras & a camera stand for my media class, the chocolate I was selling for one club, the pop tarts I was selling for another, my backpack, and my lunch box. I was carrying a ton of shit and struggling to open doors from the outside. Anyway, I came through one door and a girl in a wheelchair was approaching, so I hopped on one foot and used the other to keep the door open long enough for her to get through while juggling all the shit I had with me. She said thanks. Not an amazing story or anything, and I think 99% of people would do the same thing anyway, but I don't know what else I've done.

 

[magpie]

I'm honestly not sure. I can think of many times when I was happy, but I can't rank them. Some of these memories are just random childhood memories, and some are more recent. I went to see a concert in LA with my friend, and I felt like a Real Grown Up because we booked our plane tickets and hotel and concert tickets and shuttle and got to the airport and got on a plane and flew away without parental supervision/help. I was also happy going to multiple conventions with my friends. I have fond memories of playing video games and just generally being more naive and innocent in childhood that I now look back on with envy and nostalgia.



Again, I don't know how to rank it. Probably the worst state I have been in was from February of this year up until a couple months ago, for, well, reasons anyone can see in that blog.



No. I don't know. I don't really know where I want to be.



I'm still looking. I don't know if a place exists. Maybe I will never be able to achieve my ideal but if I can just find a little wedge to place myself in somewhat comfortably, that's all I need. I don't have to fit perfectly. Just have to fit.



The cruelest thing I have ever done is probably when I used my sister's insecurities against her to put her down when she hurt me and made me mad. I did it consciously and I did it with the full intention of hurting her back/getting revenge.

I don't know what the most selfless thing I have ever done is. I'm a pretty selfish person. I don't really do anything worth nothing. The only thing I can think of is one time in high school, I left class early so I could get to my next class before the halls became crowded since I had to carry 2 cameras & a camera stand for my media class, the chocolate I was selling for one club, the pop tarts I was selling for another, my backpack, and my lunch box. I was carrying a ton of shit and struggling to open doors from the outside. Anyway, I came through one door and a girl in a wheelchair was approaching, so I hopped on one foot and used the other to keep the door open long enough for her to get through while juggling all the shit I had with me. She said thanks. Not an amazing story or anything, and I think 99% of people would do the same thing anyway, but I don't know what else I've done.

Yeah, I suppose it is pretty impossible to rank things. Everything is important in a life, so anything you share would be something important.

You probably can't think of anything selfless that you've done because you're so used to being selfless and therefore don't really think on it or regard it as an occasion worth noting.

I don't really do anything worth nothing.

True, everything you do is worth something.

 

[Yama]

Yeah, I suppose it is pretty impossible to rank things. Everything is important in a life, so anything you share would be something important.

I also have a pretty bad memory. Heh.

I really miss the days of childhood where I had 1,905,290 less problems and all I did was watch Nick Jr. and ride bikes around the neighborhood with my friends.

I had one of those awesome situations where a family with kids around me and my sister's age moved in right across the street and we became best friends. I was 6 when I met my friend and she was 4. But she moved away when I was in 6th grade and I haven't talked to her in a long time. I have a lot of fond memories of playing with her though. We'd watch Homeward Bound all the time and have sleepovers and play pokemon. I was crushed when I found out they were moving. I remember one time when no one was around I stole all of the flyers they had in a box attached to their house's "for sale" sign and threw them away. I didn't want her to leave but all I was doing was delaying the inevitable. I made her a box full of presents (some of them personalized) and watched her car drive down the street and turn the corner on the morning of the day she left.

It's bittersweet.

You probably can't think of anything selfless that you've done because you're so used to being selfless and therefore don't really think on it or regard it as an occasion worth noting.

True, everything you do is worth something.

If you insist.

 

[magpie]

I also have a pretty bad memory. Heh.

I really miss the days of childhood where I had 1,905,290 less problems and all I did was watch Nick Jr. and ride bikes around the neighborhood with my friends.

I had one of those awesome situations where a family with kids around me and my sister's age moved in right across the street and we became best friends. I was 6 when I met my friend and she was 4. But she moved away when I was in 6th grade and I haven't talked to her in a long time. I have a lot of fond memories of playing with her though. We'd watch Homeward Bound all the time and have sleepovers and play pokemon. I was crushed when I found out they were moving. I remember one time when no one was around I stole all of the flyers they had in a box attached to their house's "for sale" sign and threw them away. I didn't want her to leave but all I was doing was delaying the inevitable. I made her a box full of presents (some of them personalized) and watched her car drive down the street and turn the corner on the morning of the day she left.

It's bittersweet.

Wow, I can't believe you willingly watched Homeward Bound. That show was traumatizing. Didn't Shadow fall down a pit and die? That's quality children's television.

I'm sure your friend has fond memories of you as well.

 

[Yama]

Wow, I can't believe you willingly watched Homeward Bound. That show was traumatizing. Didn't Shadow fall down a pit and die? That's quality children's television.

I'm sure your friend has fond memories of you as well.

He didn't die!! But he was hurt and it was sad.

And I'm sure she does. She's very different now than she was back then but so am I.

 

[fetus]

Tell me something important about your life.

I don't leave. Once I love you, I don't let go until you cut me off. I will be there whenever you need me. I will defend you. I will fight for you. I never want my friends to go to bed wondering if I love them.

When were you happiest?

The happiest time in my life started in May 2015 and lasted that whole summer. It was my heyday. To some extent, I'm still in that happy place. Not quite as much, but traces remain.

When were you saddest?

I was going to mention the time a few years when I was suicidal and depressed, but I really wasn't sad. I was just numb. The saddest time in my life was the winter of 2014-2015. I felt hopelessly lonely all the time, disillusioned with everything and everyone I'd known, and like I was in a dark labyrinth just walking in circles.

Are you where you want to be?

I don't know how to answer that question. My first reaction was yes, but then--am I really?

Have you found your place in the world?

Yes. To me, it wasn't what I'm doing, but who I'm with. And I am surrounded by people I love, and people who love me. I am not judged for who I am. I have a job, which provides a good balance of fun, responsibility, and challenge. It's summer. I have no responsibilities. I'm mentally stable. I belong on this planet.

If you have, did it give you catharsis? What did it feel like?

Yes, it was deep healing for me when I found my place. Like most teenagers, I spent my adolescence searching for myself and somewhere to belong. I was a very quiet, shy, and anxious girl who didn't feel like she had any potential. I found friends who helped me see a brand new side of me--silly, talkative, witty. I hadn't seen myself that way for years. It was like I came to life.

If you haven't, do you think a place exists for you? Are you still looking?

Aren't we all still looking? Whether it's big or small, everybody is searching for something.

Did you just think fuck it all and make a place for yourself?

In a way. As I said earlier, it's not really where I am. Because I'm happy with myself, my sense of belonging is portable.

I want to know too about the worst, most horrible, cruelest thing you've ever done

I used to emotionally manipulate my sister into staying home from church events because I couldn't deal with the threat of her "stealing" my buddies. If she came, I would act chilly towards her, and then come home and say she ruined everything. I dumped all my feelings on my friends and overreacted to any threat of rejection or discord. I don't do that anymore, and I haven't for over a year, but I'm still deeply ashamed.

and the kindest, gentlest, most tender and selfless thing you've ever done

The other day, I set myself an alarm early in the morning so I could text my friend to make sure she'd gotten on the plane okay, because I know flying upsets her.

But actually, the first thing that came to mind was when a friend was telling me she couldn't be with me anymore. I'd been a horrible friend and she was justifiably cutting me off. At that moment, I realized how selfish I had been. I told her, "Whatever makes you happy. I want you to be happy." It broke me, I felt ashamed of myself, and I couldn't bear to let go...but I did, because I knew that's what she needed. And I'm telling you, when I told her that I just wanted her to be happy, I knew I'd never meant that so much more before in my life.

 

[magpie]

I don't leave. Once I love you, I don't let go until you cut me off. I will be there whenever you need me. I will defend you. I will fight for you. I never want my friends to go to bed wondering if I love them.



The happiest time in my life started in May 2015 and lasted that whole summer. It was my heyday. To some extent, I'm still in that happy place. Not quite as much, but traces remain.



I was going to mention the time a few years when I was suicidal and depressed, but I really wasn't sad. I was just numb. The saddest time in my life was the winter of 2014-2015. I felt hopelessly lonely all the time, disillusioned with everything and everyone I'd known, and like I was in a dark labyrinth just walking in circles.



I don't know how to answer that question. My first reaction was yes, but then--am I really?



Yes. To me, it wasn't what I'm doing, but who I'm with. And I am surrounded by people I love, and people who love me. I am not judged for who I am. I have a job, which provides a good balance of fun, responsibility, and challenge. It's summer. I have no responsibilities. I'm mentally stable. I belong on this planet.



Yes, it was deep healing for me when I found my place. Like most teenagers, I spent my adolescence searching for myself and somewhere to belong. I was a very quiet, shy, and anxious girl who didn't feel like she had any potential. I found friends who helped me see a brand new side of me--silly, talkative, witty. I hadn't seen myself that way for years. It was like I came to life.



Aren't we all still looking? Whether it's big or small, everybody is searching for something.



In a way. As I said earlier, it's not really where I am. Because I'm happy with myself, my sense of belonging is portable.



I used to emotionally manipulate my sister into staying home from church events because I couldn't deal with the threat of her "stealing" my buddies. If she came, I would act chilly towards her, and then come home and say she ruined everything. I dumped all my feelings on my friends and overreacted to any threat of rejection or discord. I don't do that anymore, and I haven't for over a year, but I'm still deeply ashamed.



The other day, I set myself an alarm early in the morning so I could text my friend to make sure she'd gotten on the plane okay, because I know flying upsets her.

But actually, the first thing that came to mind was when a friend was telling me she couldn't be with me anymore. I'd been a horrible friend and she was justifiably cutting me off. At that moment, I realized how selfish I had been. I told her, "Whatever makes you happy. I want you to be happy." It broke me, I felt ashamed of myself, and I couldn't bear to let go...but I did, because I knew that's what she needed. And I'm telling you, when I told her that I just wanted her to be happy, I knew I'd never meant that so much more before in my life.

Thanks for sharing, Fetus the Mighty one. I'm glad you're doing so well.

 

[magpie]

Wouldn't anyone else like to share? There's no judgement, I'm only looking to listen.

 

[Kas]

Most of these are to me too personal but…

There is the feeling I have at my happiest life moments. I also feel it sometimes in nature, being close to interesting people or having catharsis moment. It’s something more than happiness. I think it may be simply feeling alive, high awareness, closeness to the world.

It’s more moments than situations , last time I have the flash of it while running the kite on the beach during warm, windy day.

You ask about the place in the world . It’s part of the feeling I wrote about. Usually I feel partly lost, at the happiest moment of my life I felt that wherever I go, that will be my place.


I will think about something else to share. Nice to see you in forums.

 

[magpie]

Most of these are to me too personal but…

There is the feeling I have at my happiest life moments. I also feel it sometimes in nature, being close to interesting people or having catharsis moment. It’s something more than happiness. I think it may be simply feeling alive, high awareness, closeness to the world.

It’s more moments than situations , last time I have the flash of it while running the kite on the beach during warm, windy day.

You ask about the place in the world . It’s part of the feeling I wrote about. Usually I feel partly lost, at the happiest moment of my life I felt that wherever I go, that will be my place.


I will think about something else to share. Nice to see you in forums.

Thanks. That's really beautiful. I relate to what you wrote a lot.