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When do you "win" an argument? What do you expect to get out of an argument?

Magic Poriferan

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When do you "win" an argument? What do you expect to get out of an argument?

The purpose of the thread is pretty much the title, but I'll be a little more thorough.

How would you define winning an argument, or do you even define it at all? Do you expect to win an argument? Do you hope, or seek to? When you decide to engage in an argument, what motivates you to do so, and what makes you decide to end one? What do you expect to have gained when it's over?

I have my answers, but I'll hold off because OP answers have a way of shaping threads.
 

prplchknz

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when I've changed the mind of the other person. usually ends in a stalemate. no i don't expect to win, but if it does happen, that's nice
 

Glint

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I try to avoid getting into arguments in the first place. Even if I disagree with someone, I prefer to keep my opinions to myself unless its a threat to me/will have an immediate impact that must be addressed. Basically, the danger must greatly outweigh the stress of confrontation in order for me to step up to the plate.

I don't really define winning an argument. I am not motivated by the prospect of 'winning' or exerting my will over another person. When I enter an argument I'm usually not the initiator, and I fall into the role of laying out my opinion (rationally) or trying to clear up any misconceptions that caused the argument to happen in the first place. I consider an argument to have been successfully conducted/defused when I've cleared things up enough for the other person to understand what I meant*, and/or agreed to disagree. From an argument (or any sort of discussion) I hope to gain a better understanding of differing viewpoints (and/or the thought processes behind those views), and.. well, I'm just happy it's over!



* occasionally this just doesn't happen. I consider it a lost cause and end up walking away from the argument instead.
 

Pionart

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One person wins the argument, the other wins life. Learn a little!
 

gromit

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I don't know, but when I do "win" I always feel worse than I thought I would feel... I actually don't know if I really like it that much.
 

Freesia

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I really, really dislike getting involved in conflict with other people, and will only do so whenever I can't hold it in any longer. With that being said, I don't enter the argument with the intent of "winning"; I just want the other person to acknowledge my position.
 
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When I'm done talking.

Or when I'm told, "whatever."

I'm not invested in "winning" I'm more invested in the process. The back and forth. Cuz I really don't care if I "win" or not this gives me a HUGE advantage and often frustrates the ever living shit out of people. I know what's right in my head at this age and VERY little is going to change that.

I am still open and reasonable though.

To officially "win," the winner has simply demonstrated better logic + more facts and left the loser flustered, or at a loss of words. But really, both parties are more than likely going to leave still believing what they started with.

At the very most, a true "win," IMO, is when you can at least plant a seed of doubt in the other person's perceptions.

People are only going to agree with you if they already agree with you.
 
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Bush

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I hope to get a greater understanding. I hope the other tries for one as well. Who gives a shit who's right or wrong? If I'm right, it just corroborates my own understanding. If I'm not, it redirects my own understanding. Anything else is a waste of time; a hamster on a wheel.

Life isn't a fucking high school debate club. It's best not to go around life acting like it is.
 

kyuuei

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Validation. It's all about the validation. Someone acknowledging WHY I would be angry, and that everything isn't my fault. I always feel like it is--I'm always looking within myself for reasons why I fucked up.. and I usually go into things assuming I fucked up. So.. when someone else is throwing that at me.. :shrug: .. I just get angrier. I'm far more willing to swallow my pride and talk rationally when someone isn't trying to show me what I did wrong as if I can't tell we just got into an argument because no matter what I already think it's my fault. I like suggestions to fix the situation, but I don't like it coming to me with the spin of, "Well why don't you just do this from now on since you clearly have an issue with that."

Also, I'm a girl, and I cry when I'm angry. It's just something I do. Crying is... overall, honestly, a more healthy way to vent my frustrations than what I did as a teenager. Which is hit things. A lot. I'm over the whole "I want to be violent as much as possible while not being judged" phase of my life.. but people that can't just adult the fuck up and handle someone crying without going bananas is preferred.

I'd definitely prefer to hear "It's okay. You're fine. I forgive you.. and I'm sorry too." than "You're not a bad person suddenly, it's whatever." ... The word whatever during arguments is the worst. @_@
 

Ghost

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I might not realize I was in an argument until it's over. I'll correct someone then get mulish about asserting my point. Things like expectations or when an argument is over don't matter. I'm not that deliberate. It boils down to me thinking something they said or did was wrong/inaccurate, so I push until they give in. Later, when it's less immediate, it's easy to see what happened and how I should've just let it go.

Sometimes, it can be enough to find out why our perspectives doesn't align. Realizing that, even if our views can't be reconciled, I can respect where the other person is coming from makes it easier to work around them instead of arguing with them.

I'd rather watch others argue than do it myself because I learn more from that.
 
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Validation. It's all about the validation. Someone acknowledging WHY I would be angry, and that everything isn't my fault. I always feel like it is--I'm always looking within myself for reasons why I fucked up.. and I usually go into things assuming I fucked up. So.. when someone else is throwing that at me.. :shrug: .. I just get angrier. I'm far more willing to swallow my pride and talk rationally when someone isn't trying to show me what I did wrong as if I can't tell we just got into an argument because no matter what I already think it's my fault. I like suggestions to fix the situation, but I don't like it coming to me with the spin of, "Well why don't you just do this from now on since you clearly have an issue with that."

Also, I'm a girl, and I cry when I'm angry. It's just something I do. Crying is... overall, honestly, a more healthy way to vent my frustrations than what I did as a teenager. Which is hit things. A lot. I'm over the whole "I want to be violent as much as possible while not being judged" phase of my life.. but people that can't just adult the fuck up and handle someone crying without going bananas is preferred.

I'd definitely prefer to hear "It's okay. You're fine. I forgive you.. and I'm sorry too." than "You're not a bad person suddenly, it's whatever." ... The word whatever during arguments is the worst. @_@

Are you sure you're in the right thread ;)

But hitting walls is like so fun and TOTALLY worth it.
 
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As much as I love to debate JUST for the sake and fun of debating, I've found that FEW people can actually do it while remaining calm, logical and respectful.

Pity :boohoo:
 

kyuuei

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Are you sure you're in the right thread ;)

But hitting walls is like so fun and TOTALLY worth it.

Hahahaha it can be.. I can't say i never get stressed like that. But I try for healthier venting now a days. Its better for me.

The only way I really feel like I win is when I feel like my side of the argument is validated. I don't like arguing with people I care about at all. It feels icky being mad at them. Strangers? totally different story.

As much as I love to debate JUST for the sake and fun of debating, I've found that FEW people can actually do it while remaining calm, logical and respectful.

Pity :boohoo:

It's difficult for sure.
 

Mole

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Arguing is a psychological defence mechanism.

Arguing is an excellent way to avoid our own psyche and the psyche of others.

And arguing is a psychological defence mechanism that is best done with someone else so we can avoid our psyches together and appear quite normal.

Arguing is a shared form of denial. It keeps us safe from ourselves.

But what is fascinating is that on a site devoted to psychology and the psyche, arguing is so prevalent. It is though we take part in a conspiracy to protect ourselves and each other.

Can't be bad, can it?
 

Arctic Hysteria

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How would you define winning an argument, or do you even define it at all?
I hate the idea of winning an argument. I hate winning in general. I hate winners in most things because I care too much for the feeling of the ones that lose. I think people who argue to win are assholes, really.

When you decide to engage in an argument, what motivates you to do so, and what makes you decide to end one?
I don't argue with a person unless they are my family, partner or life long friends. I pretty much couldn't care less if an acquaintance or a stranger that tries to argue with me.
When I feel like I'm being misunderstood, or I have a really good point and the other person decides to work/act against that, or the other person is insanely stubborn and gently put words cannot go through, I'll engage in an argument. An argument ends when points are made and something concrete is agreed upon. However, sometimes an argument ends in tears and passive aggressiveness because points cannot be made across, more misunderstanding is stacked up and the other person sticks to their gun.

What do you expect to have gained when it's over?
Understanding and harmony. Something like

{ "I understand why you think/say/do so. I'm sorry. :frown: :wubbie: "
" :frown: :wubbie: I'm sorry too! "


:hug: }
 

Raffaella

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I have a tendency to drop things, get irritated or bored quickly so if I enter an argument, I have to win, I have to convince the other side that I'm right (for all the other times I've been annoyed). However, it depends, sometimes I just enjoy 'winning' (i.e: they're left speechless or try to defer to something) and I walk away feeling good not caring whether the person's opinion has changed (just that I won). At other times, I need the person's opinion to change otherwise I feel I hadn't really gotten through to them (which in that case means I hadn't won).

My desire to win is very intertwined the denial of anger. I do find the more I enter arguments, the less it becomes about winning and the more it becomes about an exchange of ideas.
 

Opal

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I give up if driving my point home will be too much effort. If I pursue argument I either seriously care about being understood or am being silly.
 

five sounds

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winning is mutual understanding and hopefully mutual respect. if someone's mind is changed at the end, i hope it's because they truly have learned something and have made that choice on their own. that's not part of it. it's about sharing perspectives and learning from each other for me.
 

chubber

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I hardly ever win the argument. But when I do it is bitter sweet.
 
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