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  1. #21


    Actually being Australian is easy, I'll give you all lessons, for free.

    Step 1. Pretend Australia is the best country on the planet. I mean why not? We have skin cancer, bbq's and Holden V8 utes. Our residential building standards are equal to at least Thailand and while we're on the subject of Thailand, take your holidays there and enjoy ping pong shows in Phuket. What's not to like?

    Step 2. Pretend to be egalitarian by embracing people from foreign lands, show them what it is to be Australian. Assist them in getting blind rotten drunk then vomiting in the street or peeing in the doorway of a public building. When not drunk drive down a suburban street and shout obscenities at anyone who doesn't look Australian (meaning white, sunburnt and wearing Billabong shorts). When you're around your newly Australian friends make sure they realise they're not really Australians because they weren't born here but that's okay because you tolerate them anyway.

    Step 3. Cling tightly to the belief that Aboriginal people are all lazy recipients of centrelink payments and would kill you given half a chance. See their children as just another way for a teenage mom to collect more government handouts without needing to work. Ardently refute that they face any discrimination at all by pointing out that Ernie Dingo is a TV presenter on the popular travel show Getaway. Well, if one guy can make it surely the rest are just turning down good jobs for no reason.

    Step 4. Impress your Asian coworkers by ordering laksa for lunch then telling them how much you like Japanese food. Point out you've had several Asian girlfriends which practically makes you one of them. Regale the office with stories of your drug-hazed nights in Bali and how one time you woke up next to a man...but 'you're not gay'. By the way, it's always appropriate to proposition Thai waitresses at the local eatery.

  2. #22
    Level 8 Propaganda Bot SpankyMcFly's Avatar
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    Nov 2009
    461 so/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by Mole View Post
    The first person to tell you how to be an American was Alexis de Tocqueville who published, Democracy in America in 1835. And it is essential reading if you want to know how to be an American.
    Ah the French Aristocrat who came to America to study their version of democracy and how to make it work for France. I understand he really digged the Puritans. In that regard, you have it backward he came to be taught/learn not to teach.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mole View Post
    And the second person to tell you how to be American is Mole, who bestirred himself by the river to write to you and acknowledge his predecessor, Alexis de Tocqueville, and bring you up to date, from 1835 to 2014, on how to be an American.

    Of course we do expect you to be grateful, for both Alexis and Mole are non-Americans, and so can advise you how to be an American, objectively.
    This seems condescending to me and consequently counter productive. Why would you spend energy like this inefficiently? Perhaps the goal is not to teach, but to preach? In either case, I will say on behalf of me/myself and I, no thank you Mr. Mole.
    "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents... Some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new Dark Age. " - H.P. Lovecraft

  3. #23
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Mar 2008


    Quote Originally Posted by Nights and Days View Post
    Now you're taking shots at Canada?
    Canadians are as Canadian as possible under the circumstances, is one of the most famous Canadian aphorisms by a Canadian. And it is endlessly quoted.

  4. #24
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
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    how to be what people think an American is
    - buy a bunch of guns
    - get a corporate job or start a business
    - be as hedonistic as possible. this means big houses, nice cars and snorting coke out of women's vaginas
    - but make sure you never miss church on Sunday
    - be as racist as possible
    - talk like an 8w7 or 3w2
    - emulate Stan Smith as closely as possible
    - gain 50 pounds

    how to be an actual American
    - work a service job
    - talk in the most dry, boring accent possible
    - talk like a 9w8 or 8w9
    - make black friends for the sake of proving that you are, in fact, no racist
    - gain 100 pounds
    - spend 4 hours a day at coffee shops
    - wear off brand clothing that makes you feel superior
    - listen to music that no one listens to because it makes you feel superior (even though it actually sucks)
    ENFP: We put the Fi in Fire
    5w4>1w9>2w1 Sx/Sp
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    Motivation: Dark Worker
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    "You are a gay version of Gambit" Speed Gavroche
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  5. #25
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Mar 2008


    Quote Originally Posted by Alea_iacta_est View Post
    When the fuck have Americans been laughing at Australians and vice versa? The only remotely Australian jokes I've heard here have been the entire wildlife being vicious predators or venomous creatures.
    There's good news and bad news.

    The bad news is that our snakes are the most venomous in the world, and after a good bite, you can be dead within minutes.

    The good news is that they have tiny fangs that don't inject but drip venom. And if they bite you they may not even puncture the skin, and if they do, there may be no venom left on the fangs. But if you do get a good bite, all you need to do is tightly wrap your limb in a bandage and go to hospital where we have the best anti-venoms in the world. In fact almost no one dies from snake bite in Australia.

  6. #26


    Quote Originally Posted by Mole View Post
    Canadians are as Canadian as possible under the circumstances, is one of the most famous Canadian aphorisms by a Canadian. And it is endlessly quoted.
    That's not the part of your post I was talking about.

  7. #27
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Mar 2008

    Default A Nuanced Cliche

    Of course How to be an American is part of the class of cliches called How to .......

    If we type How to ..... into Youtube, we get a myriad of videos, and if we look in the How to .... section of a book shop, we find lots and lots of How to .... books.

    So How to .... is a well worn cliche. And How to be an American is a ridiculous cliche because everyone knows we become an American by birth or naturalisation.

    So How to be an American is nuanced. It is nuanced by humour.

  8. #28
    LL P. Stewie Beorn's Avatar
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    Dec 2008



  9. #29
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Mar 2008


    We all have two countries - our own and France.

    And we all have two cultures - our own and American.

    So we all know how to be American.

  10. #30
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    Jun 2007


    don't pretend to know how to be american, when you've likely never even been here. I don't pretend to know how to be australian. so stop telling us how to be part of a culture you don't actually know about.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

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