How to be an American.

[WhoCares]

Actually being Australian is easy, I'll give you all lessons, for free.

Step 1. Pretend Australia is the best country on the planet. I mean why not? We have skin cancer, bbq's and Holden V8 utes. Our residential building standards are equal to at least Thailand and while we're on the subject of Thailand, take your holidays there and enjoy ping pong shows in Phuket. What's not to like?

Step 2. Pretend to be egalitarian by embracing people from foreign lands, show them what it is to be Australian. Assist them in getting blind rotten drunk then vomiting in the street or peeing in the doorway of a public building. When not drunk drive down a suburban street and shout obscenities at anyone who doesn't look Australian (meaning white, sunburnt and wearing Billabong shorts). When you're around your newly Australian friends make sure they realise they're not really Australians because they weren't born here but that's okay because you tolerate them anyway.

Step 3. Cling tightly to the belief that Aboriginal people are all lazy recipients of centrelink payments and would kill you given half a chance. See their children as just another way for a teenage mom to collect more government handouts without needing to work. Ardently refute that they face any discrimination at all by pointing out that Ernie Dingo is a TV presenter on the popular travel show Getaway. Well, if one guy can make it surely the rest are just turning down good jobs for no reason.

Step 4. Impress your Asian coworkers by ordering laksa for lunch then telling them how much you like Japanese food. Point out you've had several Asian girlfriends which practically makes you one of them. Regale the office with stories of your drug-hazed nights in Bali and how one time you woke up next to a man...but 'you're not gay'. By the way, it's always appropriate to proposition Thai waitresses at the local eatery.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

The first person to tell you how to be an American was Alexis de Tocqueville who published, Democracy in America in 1835. And it is essential reading if you want to know how to be an American.

Ah the French Aristocrat who came to America to study their version of democracy and how to make it work for France. I understand he really digged the Puritans. In that regard, you have it backward he came to be taught/learn not to teach.

And the second person to tell you how to be American is Mole, who bestirred himself by the river to write to you and acknowledge his predecessor, Alexis de Tocqueville, and bring you up to date, from 1835 to 2014, on how to be an American.

Of course we do expect you to be grateful, for both Alexis and Mole are non-Americans, and so can advise you how to be an American, objectively.

This seems condescending to me and consequently counter productive. Why would you spend energy like this inefficiently? Perhaps the goal is not to teach, but to preach? In either case, I will say on behalf of me/myself and I, no thank you Mr. Mole.

 

[Mole]

Now you're taking shots at Canada?

Canadians are as Canadian as possible under the circumstances, is one of the most famous Canadian aphorisms by a Canadian. And it is endlessly quoted.

 

[Elfboy]

how to be what people think an American is
- buy a bunch of guns
- get a corporate job or start a business
- be as hedonistic as possible. this means big houses, nice cars and snorting coke out of women's vaginas
- but make sure you never miss church on Sunday
- be as racist as possible
- talk like an 8w7 or 3w2
- emulate Stan Smith as closely as possible
- gain 50 pounds

how to be an actual American
- work a service job
- talk in the most dry, boring accent possible
- talk like a 9w8 or 8w9
- make black friends for the sake of proving that you are, in fact, no racist
- gain 100 pounds
- spend 4 hours a day at coffee shops
- wear off brand clothing that makes you feel superior
- listen to music that no one listens to because it makes you feel superior (even though it actually sucks)

 

[Mole]

When the fuck have Americans been laughing at Australians and vice versa? The only remotely Australian jokes I've heard here have been the entire wildlife being vicious predators or venomous creatures.

There's good news and bad news.

The bad news is that our snakes are the most venomous in the world, and after a good bite, you can be dead within minutes.

The good news is that they have tiny fangs that don't inject but drip venom. And if they bite you they may not even puncture the skin, and if they do, there may be no venom left on the fangs. But if you do get a good bite, all you need to do is tightly wrap your limb in a bandage and go to hospital where we have the best anti-venoms in the world. In fact almost no one dies from snake bite in Australia.

 

[ndovjtjcaqidthi]

Canadians are as Canadian as possible under the circumstances, is one of the most famous Canadian aphorisms by a Canadian. And it is endlessly quoted.

That's not the part of your post I was talking about.

 

[Mole]

A Nuanced Cliche

Of course How to be an American is part of the class of cliches called How to .......

If we type How to ..... into Youtube, we get a myriad of videos, and if we look in the How to .... section of a book shop, we find lots and lots of How to .... books.

So How to .... is a well worn cliche. And How to be an American is a ridiculous cliche because everyone knows we become an American by birth or naturalisation.

So How to be an American is nuanced. It is nuanced by humour.

 

[Beorn]

PSA:

 

[Mole]

We all have two countries - our own and France.

And we all have two cultures - our own and American.

So we all know how to be American.

 

[prplchknz]

don't pretend to know how to be american, when you've likely never even been here. I don't pretend to know how to be australian. so stop telling us how to be part of a culture you don't actually know about.

 

[ndovjtjcaqidthi]

Mole I wish I could help you. : /

 

[Mole]

Quelle Horreur!

don't pretend to know how to be american, when you've likely never even been here. I don't pretend to know how to be australian. so stop telling us how to be part of a culture you don't actually know about.

We are inundated with American culture, we are flooded with Americana, on top of that we have three treaties with you: a military treaty, a land treaty and a free trade treaty, on top of that we collect and share intelligence at the very highest level, our military officers are seconded to the Pentagon. You are our very best friend.

In fact we have been studying you for yonks, we know you so well, we know what you are going to say before you say it.

We track American trends before they happen. We spy on American phone calls and internet data. We listen on in in real time.

And we know something even Americans don't know: we know you objectively, from the outside, dispassionately, from a very long way away, in a different culture. Something Americans can never know. And here you are, face-to-face, on the internet with someone who knows you better than your own mother. Quelle horreur!

 

[Qlip]

We are inundated with American culture, we are flooded with Americana, on top of that we have three treaties with you: a military treaty, a land treaty and a free trade treaty, on top of that we collect and share intelligence at the very highest level, our military officers are seconded to the Pentagon. You are our very best friend.

In fact we have been studying you for yonks, we know you so well, we know what you are going to say before you say it.

We track American trends before they happen. We spy on American phone calls and internet data. We listen on in in real time.

And we know something even Americans don't know: we know you objectively, from the outside, dispassionately, from a very long way away, in a different culture. Something Americans can never know. And here you are, face-to-face, on the internet with someone who knows you better than your own mother. Quelle horreur!

You just know whatever opinions you form from American media, you're just as much a victim to it as those you feel like you're preaching to.

 

[Mole]

You just know whatever opinions you form from American media, you're just as much a victim to it as those you feel like you're preaching to.

Luckily you don't know the depth of our Intelligence.

Our Intelligence includes the American media but goes far beyond it.

In fact we know more about America than most Americans.

If ever the hard disk that is America fails, you always have a back-up in Oz. We could reconstitute you from zero. And we always keep a spare copy of your operating system, just in case.

 

[Qlip]

Luckily you don't know the depth of our Intelligence.

Our Intelligence includes the American media but goes far beyond it.

In fact we know more about America than most Americans.

If ever the hard disk that is America fails, you always have a back-up in Oz. We could reconstitute you from zero. And we always keep a spare copy of your operating system, just in case.

Oh, you're so freaking smug. If I wanted to know anything about Australians, I sure as heck wouldn't ask you. I'd ask an Aborigine, I wonder what they would say?

I know more about my own damn country than you'll ever even have an inkling of, standing on another continent and throwing pebbles. That's because I live here and I'm aware.

 

[Mole]

Oh, you're so freaking smug. If I wanted to know anything about Australians, I sure as heck wouldn't ask you. I'd ask an Aborigine, I wonder what they would say?

I know more about my own damn country than you'll ever even have an inkling of, standing on another continent and throwing pebbles. That's because I live here and I'm aware.

Good heavens, Quilpy, you are a subjective American. You experience America subjectively. You don't, can't and shouldn't experience America objectively, that is best left to Mole.

 

[Qlip]

Good heavens, Quilpy, you are a subjective American. You experience America subjectively. You don't, can't and shouldn't experience America objectively, that is best left to Mole.

Dude. this is proof that you have no idea what you are talking about, and you have no inclination to actually listen to other people. I am American, I was born here. I also have always been separate from mainstream culture and have lived in a number of different places and met many different types of Americans. I'm sorry Mole, you only think you know more than you do.

I've had conversations with plenty of Australians. And the common thread in our conversations is that they grew up hating the idea of Americans, and they come here and have to revisit their preconceptions after spending time. It is clear to me that you are a subjective Australian.

 

[Mole]

this is proof that you have no idea what you are talking about

You have found me out.

 

[Mole]

I told a Japanese student I wanted to be Japanese even though I had no Japanese mother, I wasn't born in Japan, I have never been to Japan, I didn't speak a word of Japanese, I knew nothing of Japanese culture or history, but I longed to be Japanese.

And without missing a beat he said, You are very ambitious.

 

[Qlip]

I told a Japanese student I wanted to be Japanese even though I had no Japanese mother, I wasn't born in Japan, I have never been to Japan, I didn't speak a word of Japanese, I knew nothing of Japanese culture or history, but I longed to be Japanese.

And without missing a beat he said, You are very ambitious.

To clarify, I don't think there's plenty to criticize about America and especially about what we export, but it's on the automatic assumption that you know more about it. It's condescending.

And I have always been keenly interested in Japan. I know enough about it to learn that only the Japanese can ever actually be Japanese. Even those raised and educated there, if they don't have the right look about them. This doesn't mean that they can't live pleasant lives, but only that they'll never truly belong.

This is true in America in some places, and untrue in others. Our country is not nearly as homogenous.