Confidence?

[RDF]

Just to pick a couple random points and expand on them...

[...]You are going to lose. Everyone does. It's a mug's game and the end credits are unavoidable; the names in the crawl just differ. So, stop worrying about it. A lot of times fear of failure is linked to a fear of death. Knock it off. You can't control either. So, move on. And don't look back. […]

This is good. To break it down a bit:

As a rough rule of thumb, they say it takes 10,000 hours of hard work at something to get truly good at it, i.e., good enough to do it professionally. In other words, most people are only going to get truly good at 1 or 2 or 3 things in their lifetime. As for every other interest or experience they have in life, they're going to be dilettantes and amateurs at those things: They're going to suck at it or bumble through it or fail miserably, or whatever.

Therefore:

1) When it comes to the 1 or 2 or 3 things that you get truly good at (typically, the things you choose for a career), focus on choosing something that's a good fit for you: It fits your mission in life, your background, your personality type, or whatever. The better the fit, the easier it is to master things.

2) As for all the other experiences in life, realize that you're never going to be very good at them. You just don't have the time to get truly good at lots of things. But everyone else is in the same boat as well. So focus on having fun with those things, pick a wide variety of new experiences to sample, and be generous toward those who share those experiences with you (since you're all in the same position). Don't think in terms of win or lose, fail or succeed. You're a dilettante at those things; just have fun with them and try to enjoy the experience with the rest of the dilettantes sharing the moment with you. (Or if the outcome is really important to you, then pay a professional to handle that thing for you; IOW, don't kill yourself trying to second-guess the pros.)

Also, the following is good stuff for overall attitude toward life:

Confidence is something I had rediscover for myself. For me it's about a few things

1) Knowing and accepting that you are a human being and that you have inherit worth and value
2) Knowing and accepting that nobody has the right to treat you disrespectfully and if they do, it is perfectly good and acceptable to stand up for yourself
3) It's about knowing your limits, pushing yourself to do the best you can, but acknowledging that your best is the most you can do and that some things are simply beyond you control (i.e. the Serenity Pray)
4) Finally, for me, it's about knowing that while I can't control what life throws at me, I CAN control how I react to these things

These 4 ideas are what give me the confidence I have today. If I'm trying something new or something I'm unfamiliar with, I put my best foot forward and do my best. It may not be adequate, but I can sleep that night knowing that I at least tried and thats more than most can say.

Additional "attitude"-type suggestions:

Remember that you can write the "narrative" of your own life: As for looking backward, celebrate past personal achievements and keep them in front of you; make a "trophy case" of mementos to remind yourself of where you come from and what you've done so far. As for looking forward, be deliberate in your choice of future priorities in life; write up a personal mission statement of where you're heading and what steps you're actually taking to get there, and then update it regularly.

IOW, don't free-float through life. Devise some Fi tools to anchor yourself and create a "personal narrative" to help identify who you are and what you want to achieve. Keep your goals in front of you.

 

[Cellmold]

IOW, don't free-float through life. Devise some Fi tools to anchor yourself and create a "personal narrative" to help identify who you are and what you want to achieve. Keep your goals in front of you.

Is this a general rule of thumb or more for Fi focused people? Although I would hazard my take from it is everyone has that personal side to them and as such should consider this.

There is some very good advice in this thread. I forget that for me confidence seems to need topping up....or a reminder, this advice in particular hits home on both looking forward and back:

Remember that you can write the "narrative" of your own life: As for looking backward, celebrate past personal achievements and keep them in front of you; make a "trophy case" of mementos to remind yourself of where you come from and what you've done so far. As for looking forward, be deliberate in your choice of future priorities in life; write up a personal mission statement of where you're heading and what steps you're actually taking to get there, and then update it regularly.

This is also relatable:

Confidence has been hard for me. I was a confident child but lost my confidence with adolescence. I harbored a lot of body image anxiety for a long time - still have some. And of course as a 6 I struggle with doubt and indecision.

For me, relearning confidence is two-pronged: one part is in blindly trusting that things will be okay. It's like closing my eyes in water and believing that I'll float. It's actually pleasing, but it's difficult. I have to keep shushing the voices in my head that tell me I need to check and make sure I'm not sinking. The other part is in acknowledgement that me having self-confidence is healthy for me and it's positive for others, too. I'm afraid of confidence in some ways - I don't want to be the idiot who messes everything up because I'm convinced I'm right even when I'm not. But there's a difference between confidence and arrogance, and it's important to be self-confident. Being afraid all the time is even less helpful than being confident but wrong.

So I guess in response to whether it's acting or sincere, I think it's both. I think you should be sincerely confident in your self-worth. I try (and struggle) to afford myself the same degree of compassion and empowerment that I would automatically give to anyone else. But when I talked about closing my eyes and trusting before, that's acting. It's like suspension of disbelief. You just have to pretend like everything's going to be okay... and then usually... it is. And if it's not, hey, at least I'm a 6, lol.

I think I'm going to have to generate some mufflers for those voices in the head.

 

[Fidelia]

I think that confidence comes from learning how to navigate new situations successfully. That doesn't mean a lack of failure, but rather the security that comes from knowing what you will do when you encounter failure (which is an inevitable part of becoming good at something).

For example, when I am preparing music students for a performance, we choose music that allows for a margin of nervousness etc so they are going to be successful, even if they don't play their very best. However, we also talk about what could go wrong and how we can deal with those issues - practicing sufficiently, practicing actually performing the piece, what to do if they start at too fast of a speed, where they could go back to if they or the accompanist loses their place, how to handle it if their instrument goes out of tune or the music falls off the stand, what to do if they have a memory slip in a piece they've memorized, what the etiquette is for the audience they are playing to, what to do if they forget something they need for the performance, how to be gracious whether they win or lose and so on. By having rehearsed what to do when they encounter these problems, they are not surprised if something happens, and there is a plan of attack in place that allows the audience not to have to worry for them.

I've also found that confidence often comes from tackling something you find difficult or scary which involves some risk and self-sacrifice to accomplish and getting better at it. As you successfully overcome one area, it gives the assurance needed to try the next.

Ideally, children borrow confidence from the adults around them until they have been walked through new experiences and have learned enough to develop their own sense of self-identity. When this doesn't happen, I believe that confidence is still achievable, but the person needs to recognize that they can't skip over all of those intermediate steps that give them courage to try new things. These smaller in between steps (sometimes things as simple as learning to make a phone call or ask for help or go into an unfamiliar store, etc) are foundational.

I've found that most people avoid tasks when they are unsure of how to attack them, or they believe they are too daunting. The more they avoid them, tyhe more daunting they become. So I guess for me, confidence is also bound up in learning to break new experiences into bite-sized chunks that are doable. There is some value in finding someone that can help you to do this in one area, but once you learn, I think the same process can apply to many different disciplines and experiences.

Confidence also comes from knowing whose needs you can provide for and who you are important to - whether emotionally, or through the knowledge or skills you can offer, or physical help you can give. Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes in a positive light can lend enough confidence for you to see your own self as someone that has something to offer the world. I believe this is one reason why people often say that serving others offers them enormous satisfaction and payback, exceeding the investment they have made by far.

Knowing yourself - where your strengths and weaknesses lie also gives a sense of confidence. You know where you can be most successful, and it is easier to recognize whose help you need to access or what areas need shoring up. You are less likely to try deal with your insecurity or unsureness in offputting ways and instead to go about remedying the problem. There is nothing worse than being in a job that you are not well suited for. Once a person finds work that is fulfilling and which fit their skills, it is extremely motivating and energizing to come to work.

 

[RDF]

Is this a general rule of thumb or more for Fi focused people? Although I would hazard my take from it is everyone has that personal side to them and as such should consider this. […]

Let me put it this way:

There are self-help books that help the reader improve Fe skills, such as networking, social skills, etc. A good example is “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi, which is a best-seller on networking. Then there are also self-help books that help the reader improve Fi skills, such as setting goals, defining personal values, and creating narratives for focus and self-improvement. A good example is Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," which is a self-improvement best-seller.

Out of the two types of books, Fe-users are probably going to relate best to Ferrazzi's book on networking skills. But they can also learn from Covey's self-improvement book; in fact, Covey's book would probably provide them even greater benefit over the long-term, since Fe-users are naturally going to be weak in that area. Even if Fe-users don't see the benefit of self-improvement books as a rule, a little knowledge can go a long way in an area where one is weak.

Similarly, Fi-users are probably going to relate best to Covey's self-improvement book. But they can also learn from Ferrazzi's book on networking skills; in fact, if they want to get ahead in the business world, Ferrazzi's book would probably provide them even greater benefit over the long-term, since Fi-users are naturally going to be weak in that area. Even if Fi-users don't see the value of networking, a little knowledge can go a long way in an area where one is weak.

And so on. You get the picture.

 

[Cellmold]

And so on. You get the picture.

I do indeed, well explained, thanks.

 

[miss fortune]

- knowledge your capabilities and what you can push yourself to do

- knowledge of what depths you can survive and that you did survive them

I'd say that those two have worked just fine for me

 

[Ginkgo]

This is my confidence -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

The opposite of egotism.

I feel like it probably relates to [MENTION=15886]superunknown[/MENTION]'s thought.
I've found ways to induce it, and I'm admittedly a bit too cocksure about that when I'm not actualizing the process of "flow". What can you do?

 

[Lady_X]

i used to be shy when i was a kid...until i came to the conclusion that it was okay to be different. that everyone was different. that just because some people talk louder doesn't mean their opinion is more valid. like...we're all equal and everyone's voice has value...so...i stopped caring rather or not my opinions were the same as others and that sometimes it's important to speak up and say the thing no one else is saying.

so...whatever confidence i have just comes from that i think...just not being intimidated by other forms of expression and just owning mine....realizing whatever it is is equal and just fine.

 

[Cellmold]

i used to be shy when i was a kid...until i came to the conclusion that it was okay to be different. that everyone was different. that just because some people talk louder doesn't mean their opinion is more valid. like...we're all equal and everyone's voice has value...so...i stopped caring rather or not my opinions were the same as others and that sometimes it's important to speak up and say the thing no one else is saying.

so...whatever confidence i have just comes from that i think...just not being intimidated by other forms of expression and just owning mine....realizing whatever it is is equal and just fine.

Id love to be able to do that. But my confidence seems to keep needing to be topped up and the method always changes.

 

[Lady_X]

Id love to be able to do that. But my confidence seems to keep needing to be topped up and the method always changes.

What do you mean by that? That you need affirmation?

 

[Cellmold]

What do you mean by that? That you need affirmation?

Possibly so. Probably parental issues, or I am just a secret narcissist who cant get enough attention.

 

[Lady_X]

Possibly so. Probably parental issues, or I am just a secret narcissist who cant get enough attention.

Oh everyone probably needs some level of external validation. I think I probably frame it differently as being seen and understood but it may come from a similar place. Know what I mean?

 

[Galena]

AA, do you know many people in your non-internet life who you are compatible with below the surface level?

 

[Cellmold]

AA, do you know many people in your non-internet life who you are compatible with below the surface level?

That's a perceptive question.

The answer is a definite no and it's driving me a little insane. Whenever I think I can open up to someone and share what I want to say or an idea I've had, I usually get a non-committal "oh OK" and then....that's it.

Of course I wouldn't mind if they even gave a critique, but no...usually just dismissal. These days I just don't bother and generally I find myself devoid of much to say that is substantial.

 

[kyuuei]

Now I am the first to admit I am often lacking in that most evasive of soul-filling creatures: confidence.

But how does one attain confidence? And whats more, how does one maintain confidence?

Sorry if any of this is bad sounding advice... it is only my own personal experience.

For me, confidence started out as acting. I wasn't confident at all--but showing it didn't really help.. and in fact made me doubt myself more. At least if I hid it, only I knew that I was scared and shy. I don't remember being overly vocal as a little kid, and I still recall many situations where in my head I knew what I wanted to say.. but in reality, I just stood back and said nothing.

In high school, I had confidence in the sense that I didn't care about the opinions of my peers.. They all seemed stupid and ignorant to me. Which sounds a bit narcissistic, but considering I was bullied a lot at the beginning, it comforted me to think this way.

When I decided to join the army, I had zero confidence in myself. I sucked at running, I wasn't very strong, I had never touched a gun.. I was a wimpy little girl and I was shy and quiet to boot. Nothing really indicative of someone cut out for the job. That wasn't who I REALLY was, or wanted to be, but that was what I tended to show others.

Anyways. No one cares if you are confident or not. They tell you to do something, and you do it, confidence or no. Lacking confidence, they pick on you more. I found just talking a bit louder and walking a bit straighter--small adjustments in my outward demeanor--kept leering authoritative eyes off of my back some.

I think you actually gain real confidence when you start 1 of 2 things: in the case of your ability in x.. when you start to succeed at x or start liking x. And within yourself in general.. whenever you decide that what you are and how you do things is not only acceptable, but comfortable. I started to like who I was becoming when I joined the army.. I realized I had a voice I was lacking in school. A passion for strength and improving. My confidence now comes from the fact that I like who I am, and I am passionate about what I do.

Acting won't get you long-term-anything. But sometimes, and many times, small adjustments and sentiments tend to be contagious.. they spread like a virus. If you forbid yourself from saying negative things, even if you think negatively.. the way you arrange your thoughts in your head tends to change, so that you can more readily express yourself out loud without worry. If you tell yourself you will not look straight at the ground anymore when you are walking, then you start to notice all the times you really do.. and you feel the adjustment in looking at the world coming towards you, instead of immediately down at your own feet.

I have a lot of fears.. and many are fairly irrational. I am constantly in a state of adjustment. Of being outside of my comfort zone. Either you pull up some magic confidence from somewhere, or you start to get anxious very quickly. Dealing with stress is something confidence does very very well.

In some cases it seems confidence is best when an individual is thinking less in-depth in a specific context. Although usually that context is of an immediate physical one. Not to mention the trap between adequate confidence and becoming over-confident, missing necessary risk assessment.

I think someone trying to actively seek confidence in their lives has little worry of being overly confident. I'd start to worry about one when you stop worrying about the other.

At other times however preparation and planning brings security and confidence to a person. When contingencies are created a person can happily accept the defeat of one aspect of operation, because they know there is that safety net to fall back on. Although I am curious as to how far people dig into their contingencies and once they are all defeated, how they cope.

I get defeated a lot too. You just sort of have to trust the way of things. Life has this great tendency to work out when things fail. I've had failures turn into great blessings and great lessons. Like I said.. How you spin things is a big deal for yourself. I can dwell on having a lying ex that costed me quite a bit of money.. or I can realize that I was pretty naive back then, inexperienced, and I now have so many life-long friends based on the people I met through him. The former qualities are still there--but they're pathetically unimportant to the bigger picture. I am confident that I will still meet and date a great guy in my life.. I don't get all jaded and bent up about it. I don't doubt my own abilities and my own looks, despite cruel things said and done to me even recently in my life.

If I doubt them.. the cruel things still happened. They don't go away when I doubt myself. It isn't the reaction that fixes the situation. I don't think, "Oh, that guy called me a man and said I should eat carpet if I want to be this way.. Maybe I should never leave the house again and stop trying to date.." That doesn't fix the fact the guy said it. That doesn't solve anything. Now.. Understanding he was upset, and said cruel things because his temper got the best of him and that's human nature, to cut right to something to hurt despite maybe regretting it later? Or, even if he was genuine, understanding that not everyone is going to agree with the way I am and how I do things, and that's just okay? That sort of fixes it. That's at least a step in the right direction. He's entitled to his opinions of me. And I'm entitled to tell him to fuck off if he doesn't like who I am. Plenty of other people do.

This being said; are there really any sets of genuine advice that have a more general application for confidence, outside of the one who gave it?

Know who you are, and like that person.

If you don't like who you are.. change it. Start small. Don't say "I hate being anxious." That's enormous. Say, "I don't like that I don't finish tasks." or "I don't like that I don't have any talents." That's something more manageable. You can create real, concrete goals and start making efforts towards things like that. Pick up a task and finish it. Look at some talents like cooking and start working on it.

Don't get in an existential life crisis when you have to change what you are doing to be who you are. I am not a different person when I am wearing a dress. I used to be really, REALLY caught up about this issue.. people treated me differently when they saw me dressed in a feminine way. It made me so crazy that I rejected ALL women's clothing for a long, long time. Even when I started liking dresses, I felt like I was almost betraying myself to wear them. Now, I feel like I have a practical balance between what I naturally like and what suits the situations I am in. I just had to realize that dresses are suitable for many situations, and that rejecting them was also giving up a piece of who I was.. because I have a lot of practicality in my personality too. I didn't change as a person just because I started wearing more flattering clothes. Even if others did change, *I* didn't.

Find something you're good at. Even if you suck at everything, the cool part about being good is that almost 100% of the time the good/talented people threw a shit ton of hours into something. If you're the world's worst cook, and you spend enough hours practicing, you will eventually become a somewhat decent cook--which will surpass naturally talented cooks that don't ever practice so they have no idea how good they are. When you have something you're good at, you tend to be at calm and peace. My best friend was never a confident person until she became an English teacher.. does she know everything about everything? No. But after 6+ years of it at school, and almost 6 more years in dedicated English college education? It's fair to say she can handle most things thrown her way in the subject. Which made her more open as a person overall. Even if everything else is confusing and awful.. she's good at that. and she can fall back on that.
Perhaps illustrated in one of my proudest moments from her. A date had said, "Well, what have you really done with your life?" .. What a dick, right? .. Anyways, her response? "... What have I done? I've gotten an education that I paid for myself, I am part of a system that educates children so that they have the skills they require to swim in this dog-eat-dog world, and I volunteer a lot of my time and energy to my community. If that's not enough for your highness, then I really think my prince is in another castle." I don't know if, lacking her current career, she would have been able to answer that question without crying at how blatantly cruel that was out of no where.

 

[Galena]

That's a perceptive question.

The answer is a definite no and it's driving me a little insane. Whenever I think I can open up to someone and share what I want to say or an idea I've had, I usually get a non-committal "oh OK" and then....that's it.

Of course I wouldn't mind if they even gave a critique, but no...usually just dismissal. These days I just don't bother and generally I find myself devoid of much to say that is substantial.

If that is so, it's not narcissistic to be feeling starved for attention and contact. It's normal. What's not is when someone can't get enough even when they do have intimate support.

 

[kyuuei]

That's a perceptive question.

The answer is a definite no and it's driving me a little insane. Whenever I think I can open up to someone and share what I want to say or an idea I've had, I usually get a non-committal "oh OK" and then....that's it.

Of course I wouldn't mind if they even gave a critique, but no...usually just dismissal. These days I just don't bother and generally I find myself devoid of much to say that is substantial.

You're talking to the wrong friends, for sure. I've had my friends give me some crazy ideas, and we've discussed for hours on end on whether those ideas were good or not, or whether we could make them work or not.. It sounds like you're talking to people who just don't care about what you have to say. Which is ... whatever, I guess, but they're not your friends if that is the case.

If you told me an idea, I'd be working with it actively, and I wouldn't consider us anywhere near close friends.

 

[Redbone]

i used to be shy when i was a kid...until i came to the conclusion that it was okay to be different. that everyone was different. that just because some people talk louder doesn't mean their opinion is more valid. like...we're all equal and everyone's voice has value...so...i stopped caring rather or not my opinions were the same as others and that sometimes it's important to speak up and say the thing no one else is saying.

so...whatever confidence i have just comes from that i think...just not being intimidated by other forms of expression and just owning mine....realizing whatever it is is equal and just fine.

I would say this, too. It's something my sister taught me, I forgot it over time, then remembered it again.

Added to this is knowing and fully committing to the course of achieving whatever it is I want. That gives me a tremendous amount of confidence.

 

[gromit]

I think there are 2 sides to it (or maybe 2 types of confidence).

1. based on past successes, knowledge of your capacity to perform

2. more of an internal confidence based on self-worth, independent of performance


The first is perhaps more straightforward. In absence of the second, though, the first is kind of tough to come by. Are you talking more about the second?

 

[kyuuei]

I think there are 2 sides to it (or maybe 2 types of confidence).

1. based on past successes, knowledge of your capacity to perform

2. more of an internal confidence based on self-worth, independent of performance


The first is perhaps more straightforward. In absence of the second, though, the first is kind of tough to come by. Are you talking more about the second?

It is important to recognize that one can affect the other.

In the example I used--I am not at all confident in my ability to speak French. I suck at it, and I know I do. However, I am confident and comfortable with who I am, and so making mistakes doesn't embarrass me--which is good, I've sounded like a total slut for days on end in French without ever meaning to.

On the other side of things, while I was extremely lacking confidence in myself when joining the army, and I was literally shaking with fear when I went to go get my rifle for the first time, my ability to learn the material made me confident in myself overall. When I first started, I knew nothing at all.. but I was excited to learn, and I enjoyed shooting right from the first shot. It was okay that I didn't know how to be perfect at it or anything, I enjoyed the practice and the mistakes made me learn. Later, I was scared of the idea of teaching a class to other soldiers.. I'd never taught a class to anyone else before--I'd always been the student before then. It was outside of my realm. I was teaching the basics of the rifle itself. After having studied it for the course of nearly 4 months, I was really confident in my knowledge of the basics of the subject, and so the class went smooth and I sounded confident as a result--which in turn made my self-confident in my general abilities.

Both are important.. but if you lack both, take an interest in the more concrete one.. Picking up a new task usually opens up a new social network, with like minded people of various experience levels, and gives you something physically concrete to seek.

It is really hard to say, "I want to be confident." It is much easier and actually tangible to say, "I want confidence in my ability to cook." or "I want to be confident when going into an interview."