• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

How do you expand kindness?

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
I've been curious about this for a while, as I've started to absorb the relationship between kindness to others, kindness for one's self, well-being, and calmness. I recently bought a book by Pema Chondron called Start Where You Are. The premise is that by accepting the pain and difficulty in your own life without pushing it away, and by sharing the things you already have (as opposed to pushing away your pain and clinging to your happiness) you can increase kindness and compassion. I think she's onto something.

What are your thoughts on kindness? on Pema's advice? Challenges associated with being kind? Benefits? Stories? Whatever?

One of the pitfalls I see is in being a fake and exhausting yourself. The balance between honesty, genuineness, and kindness has always interested me. I suppose it points to the fact that even in one's quest to be more kind, people have to be patient and kind to themselves.

Who's the kindest person you've ever met in real life?

For me it's probably this bass player I played with in college. Kinda-nerdy, but really soft spoken and you could tell he was really listening to you when you talked to him. Super-chill guy.

What can a person do to expand kindness?
 

Abhaya

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2008
Messages
97
MBTI Type
INFP
Kindness towards all is great. We should strive to expand it as much as possible. Dare we go to the point of Jesus' level of kindness and love?

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28).


I have trouble with this but realize its value. I am not familiar with Pema Chondron but a really good book on this subject is Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh. This book changed my life and it is really pretty simple. Simplicity is often the best anyway.

As far as the kindest person I have ever met, well, I know it is cliche but that would have to be my mother. She really is an example of a person that loves all. It amazes me.
 

luminous beam

♪♫♪♫♪♫
Joined
Feb 12, 2008
Messages
744
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
yes.

I've been curious about this for a while, as I've started to absorb the relationship between kindness to others, kindness for one's self, well-being, and calmness. I recently bought a book by Pema Chondron called Start Where You Are. The premise is that by accepting the pain and difficulty in your own life without pushing it away, and by sharing the things you already have (as opposed to pushing away your pain and clinging to your happiness) you can increase kindness and compassion. I think she's onto something.
What are your thoughts on kindness? on Pema's advice? Challenges associated with being kind? Benefits? Stories? Whatever?
from what you say, the premise of her book and the advice she gives makes sense to me. it sounds like she's teaching how to let yourself feel and accept pain, the hardest feeling to accept of them all. it is probably the hardest because it humbles you to know that you're flawed and hurting and makes you vulnerable addressing and accepting this. in other words, she is teaching you how to re-attach yourself emotionally (for those of you who are pros at emotional detachment aka a defense mechanism). if you can handle being vulnerable around others, you will most likely treat them w/kindness because exposing yourself to emotion reminds you that you're human. emotion is universal, if you can identify with your own you can identify w/others' (this is known as empathy). if you see others as equals and can relate to them, i don't really see how you couldn't be kinder and nicer to people.
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
MBTI Type
GONE
I think true kindness and compassion are supposed to come from empathy and concern for others and not from ego? And definitely not from a sense of obligation.

Or maybe it is, when you realize people are connected and need to look out for each other.

I think the worst place for kindness and generosity to come from is fear of karma or fear of loss of social standing or need to prove publicly to judgemental people that you're generous, etc.
 

Mole

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
In a horse race, I always back the horse called, "Self-interest" -

Because I know he is trying to win.
 
Last edited:

colmena

señor member
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
1,549
MBTI Type
INXP
I think true kindness and compassion are supposed to come from empathy and concern for others and not from ego? And definitely not from a sense of obligation.

Or maybe it is, when you realize people are connected and need to look out for each other.

I think the worst place for kindness and generosity to come from is fear of karma or fear of loss of social standing or need to prove publicly to judgemental people that you're generous, etc.

Do you think that just because the intention isn't of the utmost integrity, that people can't learn through experience?

Surely compassion comes from experience anyway (whether that be from self-development, or rubbed off from others), fulfilling a sense of obligation might just be a forceful way of starting a presumably more rewarding experience. Although I would state that it shouldn't be short-term for a bit of piece of mind.
 

helen

New member
Joined
Nov 20, 2007
Messages
241
MBTI Type
INFJ
I find it difficult to extricate my ideal of kindness from my faith and religious beliefs, so I'll have to express it in those terms.

Believing in Christ's sacrifice for me should fill me with such humility and gratitude towards him, that these feelings flow over naturally into kindness and empathy for others, knowing that he made the same sacrifice for them. I am more or less kind depending on how focused my thoughts are on Christ.

When you go through a spiritual conversion (especially to Christianity, which is what I am familiar with) there is this whole process of coming to realize your weaknesses, failings, and that you are generally unacceptable. After hitting bottom like this, you realize that if Christ has accepted you anyway, you must have the humility and courage to accept yourself. Tillich said that one must have "the courage to accept that you are accepted despite being unacceptable." I really like that. I don't see how it could fail to lead to more kindness towards others and oneself.

Perhaps the ideas you mentioned in that book are a secular version of what I am trying to describe?
 

Mercurial

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2007
Messages
93
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w6
I think the worst place for kindness and generosity to come from is fear of karma or fear of loss of social standing or need to prove publicly to judgemental people that you're generous, etc.

Agreed. People that view and use kindness as currency invoke my ire.

True kindess is self-fulfilling and doesn't need outside approval.

Social protocol can have a positive effect in that a person's underlying reasons for their actions can shift as they get older. The initial protocol can put the external habits in place until age and wisdom catch up. I guess that's my way of saying I'm not entirely against synthetic kindness--especially since it's better than social standing accomplished with machetes.
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
Kindness, to me, is about allowing someone to be his or her self while at the same time maintaining your boundaries. It's listening and being 100% present when they're talking to you. It's being accepting of the person, but not necessarily the behavior. It's making them feel comfortable while also making sure you, yourself, are comfortable. Kindness is love for your fellow person.. suspending judgment when they open up to you. It is never charity.. it is just as much a gift to he who gives it than to he who receives it.
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
MBTI Type
GONE
Do you think that just because the intention isn't of the utmost integrity, that people can't learn through experience?

Surely compassion comes from experience anyway (whether that be from self-development, or rubbed off from others), fulfilling a sense of obligation might just be a forceful way of starting a presumably more rewarding experience. Although I would state that it shouldn't be short-term for a bit of piece of mind.

I think as with many social behaviors, kindness can be encouraged or learned in childhood. Just like 'good manners'. Whatever gets the ball rolling.

Ideally children and adults also think about why they do what they do and why certain behaviors are encouraged and others not.

I guess in response to the OP it also depends on how you define kindness.
 

SquirrelTao

New member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
198
MBTI Type
INXX
In a horse race, I always back the horse called, "Self-interest" -

Because I know he is trying to win.

You'd have a hard time explaining my ISFJ mother then. She just got down to below 75 lbs. in weight while taking care of my grandmother. When her sisters got together and decided to put Grandma in a nursing home, my mother resisted at first. She tried to say she wanted to have Grandma stay with her a few more months. She believes there are two ways to live, like Christ or selfishly. She strives to live like Christ. When I ask her what of the people who selfishly take from her while she gives, she will not judge them by the same standard she judges herself. Not that my grandma is a selfish taker. She just has very high needs in her old age.
 

SquirrelTao

New member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
198
MBTI Type
INXX
My thoughts on kindness may not be those you'd expect from an INFP. I've suffered and seen others suffer up close and personally from misplaced kindness to people who did not deserve it. I see misplaced kindness to the undeserving as a form of cruelty to the deserving. By undeserving what I chiefly have in mind is people who are cruel to others in some way. I think they should be punished, not rewarded.

To state a general principle, I think cooperation would flourish more, without being taken advantage of so much, if cooperators would get reciprocation from other cooperators but non-cooperators would be held accountable.

By cooperators I mean people who are not putting themselves - as a part of the whole - ahead of the whole, whatever the whole is. (Provided it is a worthy whole.) I also mean people who are reciprocators of kindness. I mean people who play fair.

In short I believe that on net balance, there would be more kindness and less cruelty if the unkind and the unfair were held more accountable in some way, in whatever group they are a part of.
 

placebo

New member
Joined
May 11, 2008
Messages
492
MBTI Type
INFP
I think being kind is definitely ... really hard, when it comes down to serious situations. I mean, superficial polite kindness, is pretty achievable, but kindness in the sense of truly being accepting and compassionate to all people, is like aiming to be Jesus. The advice sounds pretty good though. Accepting pain, difficulty, and even all your faults in your life no doubt makes it easier to accept other people's similar pains and difficulties. I think by being able to accept yourself, it's easier to understand others. Like, it's more important to work to change yourself before you work to change others. I think genuine kindness is definitely a lot harder to do, until one has this kind of realisation and experience, but definitely something I would work to achieve. It is all beneficial, and I don't mean from the superficial kindness.

I can't name the kindest person I've ever met. Sometimes it's hard to tell. But there are definitely kind people out there, and thank goodness.

About expanding kindness, well I just assume it'd work best like a sort of contagion. Be kind to people and perhaps they will be kind to others. People are pretty easily influenced I think, and an act of kindness will have the ability to uplift a person and make them more prone to perform an act of kindness too...... I think.
 

Mole

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
"Self-Interest", to place

You'd have a hard time explaining my ISFJ mother then. She just got down to below 75 lbs. in weight while taking care of my grandmother. When her sisters got together and decided to put Grandma in a nursing home, my mother resisted at first. She tried to say she wanted to have Grandma stay with her a few more months. She believes there are two ways to live, like Christ or selfishly. She strives to live like Christ. When I ask her what of the people who selfishly take from her while she gives, she will not judge them by the same standard she judges herself. Not that my grandma is a selfish taker. She just has very high needs in her old age.

You have a wonderful mother and your mother thinks you are wonderful too. Even my mother thinks I am wonderful too.

But how interesting - we have laws against nepotism here. This is because we know that mother-love is not disinterested.

And if mother-love is not disinterested surely it is interested, perhaps self-interested.

But OK, I take your point - next time I am betting on a horse race, I will bet on, "Mother-Love", to win and, "Self-Interest", to place.
 

vince

New member
Joined
Oct 8, 2007
Messages
320
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w
A big challenge I face with being kind is that a lot of new folks I meet, get very suspicious of me and perhaps think I'm phony. It's not always received very well. A person's background determines a lot of how they deal with kindness (both giving and receiving).
 

Brendan

Guerilla Urbanist
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
911
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I've been curious about this for a while, as I've started to absorb the relationship between kindness to others, kindness for one's self, well-being, and calmness. I recently bought a book by Pema Chondron called Start Where You Are. The premise is that by accepting the pain and difficulty in your own life without pushing it away, and by sharing the things you already have (as opposed to pushing away your pain and clinging to your happiness) you can increase kindness and compassion. I think she's onto something.

What are your thoughts on kindness? on Pema's advice? Challenges associated with being kind? Benefits? Stories? Whatever?

One of the pitfalls I see is in being a fake and exhausting yourself. The balance between honesty, genuineness, and kindness has always interested me. I suppose it points to the fact that even in one's quest to be more kind, people have to be patient and kind to themselves.
I think of things like knowing when to be kind and blunt as tools for production.

For instance, if I deem my own intervention to be necessary or desireable, I'll decide, okay, do I need to be kind and understanding, or blunt?

If two of my friends are mad at eachother and tempers are flaring, and physical confrontation seems likely, I'll say something like, "you two are being fucking idiots. If you'd chill out we'd be able to solve this problem. So, as soon as you're ready to get over your own egos, I'll be waiting."

Or if someone I know is being hurtful because they're frustrated and feel powerless or seem in distress, I'll say something like, "I know that it can be extremely frustrating, and it can seem like it's not worth it, but going about this the way you are is doing you more harm than good."

Same sentiment. Different tones cause different outcomes.
 

SquirrelTao

New member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
198
MBTI Type
INXX
A big challenge I face with being kind is that a lot of new folks I meet, get very suspicious of me and perhaps think I'm phony. It's not always received very well. A person's background determines a lot of how they deal with kindness (both giving and receiving).

Isn't that sad? Especially when they want their cynical opinions to be confirmed.

But I guess even I've been guilty of this. I used to think a girl at work was phony because she was always so smiley and almost gushy in a way when greeting me. Then when I learned she was originally from the Phillipines, I realized she was actually being genuine. Women from cultures like that seem to be dripping with so much sweetness and to exude so much warmth. I guess they're capable of being phony, too, but they always seem to turn out to be genuinely nice.

Then I think of the man in church who was always smiling, every single time we looked at him, and how we despised him as children. We always made fun of him. I wonder why we did that.
 

Synapse

New member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
3,359
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4
This deviation into kindness is a process from negative and positive polarities in thinking and the interaction and attraction with the people that are drawn together as a consequence of the energy you expedite outwardly from the self. Which depends on confidence, esteem and the ability to accept the flaws and strengths and just be without sinking into a lack of belief in the self.

Kindness affects us from upbringing and social interaction. Lack of nurturing in a person's life will create a fall out that expands to all areas. Lack of love and human contact on any level will do that too, so will a lifetime of criticism and abuse. All of it will reinforce negative traits that increase the propensity to stop being kind, to be guarded and cynical of peoples intentions.
 

luminous beam

♪♫♪♫♪♫
Joined
Feb 12, 2008
Messages
744
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
2w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
looks like the INFPs took over this post lol
 
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,026
MBTI Type
ENTP
How does one expand kindness?

By thinking and feeling seriously about how little kindness there is in the world... learning about the misery that abounds... talking with people about how they feel and what their dreams are... sooner or later, if the thought of "how much better the world would be with more kindness" doesn't impel you to be more kind and spread joy in the world... you're a lost cause.

As for the discussion being held by SquirrelTao and co... well, there may be a way of 'rationally' disbursing kindness... but then it starts looking more like politics. Where and how does one draw the line? Is there a line? Should there be?
 
Top